Takahashi Soup
by Black Dragon6
Summary: Ranma and Ataru are brothers. I really don't know how to explain it better than that.
1. Family Values

The scene opens to a heavily decorated plush living room, complete with a roaring fireplace and a big, comfy-looking chair in the middle of a large carpeted area.  
  
Sitting in the chair is a geeky-looking guy with dark hair and glasses, wearing a terry cloth robe, and holding a fake corncob pipe in his teeth.  
  
Smiling amiably, the young man took the pipe out of his mouth to speak.  
  
"Hello zere, and velcome to ze first revised edicion of Takahashi Soup, zat lovely conglomeracion of ze most psychotic examples of anime zat are available to ze general public. I am your host and author, Black Dragon, ze Lord of Chaos." BD smiled warmly, then replaced the pipe in his mouth.  
  
"You may note zat I have an unconvincing, vaguely European accent, and I assure you it is merely for ze ambiance, and zat my spelling ability has in no vay been crippled. Vith zat said, I vould like to move on to zis revision of ze fic."  
  
Black Dragon pretended to take a few puffs from his pipe, and then leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers. "As many of you may know, I sometimes include short interludes such as zis before certain edicions of my works. Zis is the manner in vich I vill prelude zis particular story. However, zis is not, as certain ignorant cretins may suppose, an 'omake', as zey so crudely accuse, but a timely edicion of ze arts vich I like to call 'Jusenkyou Theatre'. I vill place an edicion of Jusenkyou Theatre at ze prelude to each chapter of zis story, to explain ze incomprehensible plot, slide ze chapters back into ze continuity, and give ze hastily introduced and underemphasized characters some level of personality and perhaps even a backstory."  
  
"In today's edicion of Jusenkyou Theatre, I vould like to explain ze turn of events zat have influenced zis revision. You see, vile this vork vas supposed to originally interweave ze fine works of Ranma 1/2, Urusei Yatsura, and ze wonderful Inu-Yasha, certain events totally vithin my control have influenced ze removal of one of zese series from ze proverbial plot line." BD stopped for a moment to take a few more fake puffs from his pipe.  
  
"I had originally intended ze story to progress with Ranma and Ataru together for a vile, only giving clues as to Inu-Yasha's part in ze story through hasty and unexplained cameos. I vas zen going to introduce a part of ze story vere Inu-Yasha steals ze shikon jewel from its guardianship in ze hands of Sakura ze priestess. Zen Ataru was to accidentally take ze jewel himself, zus creating ze element zat vould join ze characters, leading up to a totally implausible romance between Sakura and Inu-Yasha. Later, I vas going to have Sesshomoru go crazy trying to kill Ataru. Good times, indeed."  
  
BD cleared his throat. "However, it has occurred to me zat ze Inu-Yasha plot line diverges so much from zat of Ranma and UY zat I could not include ze vital elements of ze Inu-Yasha plot vithout almost making zem up myself. And I further recognized zat Inu-Yasha's addicion, while interesting and neat, added almost nothing to ze story, and vould severely detract from ze later development of ze plot, if I ever get around to doing zat. Ze decision vas concluded ven I noted a particular comment posted on ze message board on Delphi." BD took out a piece of paper from his pocket, unfolded it, and then held it at arm's length away from his face. "Ze comment vas as follows, and I quote, 'If it vasn't for zat part vith Inu-Yasha at ze beginning, zat story vould kick all kinds of ass."  
  
BD folded the note back up and then slipped it back into his robe. "And zere you have it. In ze revised vork Inu-Yasha is no more. His contract has been rescinded," he turned away from the camera for a moment, "and I vould like to zank Ranma Saotome, Attorney at Law for his assistance vith zat," and then he turned back, "and zat particular character vill now busy himself vith other important duties. Right, Inu-Yasha?"  
  
A grunt came from behind the camera. "Just hurry up, will you? My coffee's getting cold. And would you stop it with that damn accent?! It's creeping me out!"  
  
Black Dragon chuckled darkly. "Apparently zis is not zis dog's day."  
  
BD sighed happily and steepled his fingers under his chin. "I zank you, dear reader, and zus I give you ze revision of ze chapter zat started it all-"  
  
"Started it all?" Inu-Yasha scoffed from behind camera 3, "Started what? You haven't done a second chapter yet!"  
  
BD glared at the half-demon for a moment, then returned to gazing at the camera calmly. "Once again, I present to you, ze reader, chapter one of Takahashi Soup: Family Values. Vith Jusenkyou Theatre, zis is ze Black Dragon. Zank you."  
  
With that, he nodded sharply, and then sat in his chair and waited.  
  
"................................................................................................."  
  
And waited...  
  
"................................................................................................." *Ahem*  
  
And waited some more.  
  
"Inu-Yasha! Fade out already!"  
  
"Which button is that?"  
  
"On the left! I mean, ze left! No, no, ze other left!"  
  
(Fade out)  
  
Takahashi Soup  
  
by Black Dragon  
  
Disclaimer is as follows: Rumiko Takahashi owns everything. Hence the title. I'm going to do something I've never even ATTEMPTED before: use a canon plot line and not make up any new characters. Okay, fine, so it's more than one plot line, and they sort of screw each other up, but I AM going to try and hold to the no new characters thing. Just this once. Damn it, I can already feel my resolve breaking...  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Family Values  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
Genma Saotome walked down the dirt road furiously, his angry gait kicking up such clouds of dirt that his regular karate gi began to gray from the layers of dust.  
  
"100,000 yen! Bah! What a rip-off! Nobody scams Genma Saotome out of that kind of money!"  
  
Soun Tendo trailed behind him, scratching his head. "It's a real shame. To think that people let an old woman cheat them like that."  
  
The current subject of their ire was an old woman who owned a large shop in this particular village. Supposedly, the old hag was some kind of witch who was famous in the area for casting powerful curses. It was rumored that people came from far and wide to seek her help in spiteful revenge.  
  
Though at that kind of price, Genma couldn't imagine who would be stupid enough to actually pay the stupid hex.  
  
"Yes, Tendo, it looks like we're going to have to find some other way to deal with the master. Maybe hire a dancing girl to sedate him, and then drop him in the river?" Genma supposed, scratching his chin in thought.  
  
Soun shook his head. "I don't think so Saotome. Remember how that worked out last time?"  
  
Genma winced. The girl had ended up shoving the money, paid in advance, down his throat after having to put up with Happousai for just forty seconds. "Well, maybe not. But anything's better than paying that much for some ugly crone to pretend to cast a spell!"  
  
"Well now, you're no spring chicken either, fatso."  
  
Genma and Soun jumped at the voice, then whirled around to look behind them.  
  
Glaring at them from the middle of the road was a short old woman, perhaps half Genma's height, with a face so contorted with age that it looked to be almost falling off.  
  
Genma frowned. "What do you want, you old bat?"  
  
She looked sharply at him. "You ate all my crackers. I demand reimbursement!"  
  
Genma and Soun sweatdropped heavily.  
  
Genma's expression went flat. "Your crackers?"  
  
The woman nodded. "Yes. There was a big plate of them in the waiting room. Between the time that you arrived and the time you left, they all disappeared."  
  
Genma's expression didn't change. "Aren't they there for customers?"  
  
"Of course," the crone said indignantly, "however, as you didn't purchase anything, you were not customers."  
  
"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!" Genma raged, stomping up to the old woman. "At 100,000 yen a curse, you expect people to buy your services?! And you're still too cheap to give away free food?! HA!! I'll bet you're not even a witch! Just some gypsy out to make money off of fools!"  
  
"It seems you managed to keep your wallet closed; I must not be very good at it," she said with a perfectly straight face. "Think I'm a fake, do you? Well, how about a demonstration? Perhaps one that will teach you to be a little more respectful toward your elders."  
  
Though Genma just rolled his eyes and stood still, Soun began to look about the road they were standing on. The people that had previously been walking along the road had all scattered, and were now either heading away from the confrontation or hiding behind obstructions of various sorts. Taking his cue from the villagers, Soun himself began to inch away from Genma.  
  
The pudgy martial artist watched, nonplussed, as the old woman began to move her pointer finger through the air in front of her, as if she was drawing something.  
  
"Neewo-eemo-kynee-sywaa..." The woman chanted hoarsely as she finished the inscription in the air, and then took a gourd that had been fashioned into a bottle and splashed its contents on Genma's leg.  
  
Genma looked down as the watery, vaguely red fluid stained his pant leg. "Are you almost finished? I have better things to do than stand around and watch magic shows, old woman."  
  
"Almost done," she assured him. "Keeyombi!" Suddenly the lines she had drawn in the air became visible, appearing as a complex array of symbols emblazoned in blue light.  
  
After a moment, they faded, and the witch crossed her arms over her chest with a satisfied smirk on her face. "There! It is done."  
  
Genma looked himself over skeptically. "I don't feel any different. Must not be much of a curse. Is that because you had nobody to pay your little 'maintenance fee'?"  
  
She ignored the jibe. "Genma Saotome, I curse you, and any future progeny you may have, God forbid, to live your life accosted by phenomena of the highest degree of improbability, and people of the strangest manner and temperament."  
  
Genma scoffed. "It sounds like how my life is now. I ran into you, didn't I?"  
  
The old woman shrugged, then turned away. "Do as you will, Saotome. Oh, don't worry about the crackers. You did allow me to practice my craft, after all." Then she smiled suddenly, which sent shivers down Genma and Souns' backs. "And don't say I didn't warn you."  
  
Genma frowned as the old crone walked away swiftly before shaking his head and turning away.  
  
"Saotome? Are you all right?" Soun asked worriedly.  
  
Genma chuckled. "Don't worry yourself about me, Tendo, that was nothing but a fancy trick of the light. It's all done with mirrors and such! She's no witch!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
'Well I'll be damned. I think that old woman really was a witch.' Genma thought, frowning. Which meant that he, and his entire future bloodline, really was cursed.  
  
It also meant that the guy telling him that aliens had just landed in the village square was serious.  
  
"I-I sw-swear! Th-They're right over there! They told us to bring them our finest champion for a last chance to save Earth from enslavement! We don't have a champion, so I thought you could help! You're a martial artist, right?"  
  
Genma sighed and nodded glumly. No point in trying to avoid it, if the aliens were going to enslave the Earth anyway. Besides, if he could mop this up himself, then maybe he'd get some of the hard-earned respect he deserved! "All right, all right. Take me to them."  
  
Genma was actually pleasantly surprised when the alien turned out to be, not a smily, one-eyed beast with hordes of tentacles, but a really big fat guy with horns and fangs. The alien seemed to sit in the air about a foot off the ground, and was wearing what appeared to be a tiger-striped bodysuit.  
  
"M-Mr. Inv-vader, here is our hero! ...... I guess..." the man nervously swung his arms toward Genma, and then quickly ran away, afraid of being caught in-between the two.  
  
Mr. Invader nodded as he looked over Genma. "So you're the hero of the Earth, huh?"  
  
Genma shrugged. "I'm the only one here, so I might as well be." Why had the aliens chosen a remote backwater village near Osaka to launch an invasion. He HAD to be cursed.  
  
Mr. Invader grinned. "Well, this may be easier than I thought. What is your name, Terran?"  
  
Genma crossed his arms over his chest. This fellow didn't look so tough. "My name is Genma Saotome, invader!"  
  
"Good! I, Mr. Invader, leader of the Oni race of alien invaders, in accordance with planetary conquest code #4555 from rulebook 7, formally declare my intention to conquer Earth and enslave its populace!"  
  
Genma smirked slightly and adjusted the bandana covering his head. "Oh? You and what army?"  
  
Mr. Invader point behind and above Genma. "That one."  
  
Genma turned and sweatdropped. Hundreds of flying saucers hovered idly in midair, all covered in the same tiger-striped pattern. While none of them seemed particularly dangerous-looking, they were all rather big, and there seemed to be no shortage of them.  
  
Genma turned back toward Mr. Invader. "So... uh, what do I have to do to save Earth?"  
  
Mr. Invader blinked. "Why, defeat all my ground troops, which are in position past the mountains to swarm the village, then wipe out my fleet of UFOs, which you just saw. Quite simple, really."  
  
Genma sweatdropped again, then gulped. "Uh... listen, perhaps we can talk this out?"  
  
The alien blinked. "Talk what out? There's nothing to discuss. I want to enslave Earth, you don't want me to enslave Earth."  
  
Genma nodded apprehensively. "True. But... what if I made you a... personal deal?"  
  
Mr. Invader quickly shook his head. "No way. Sorry, but I need to conquer one more planet to reach quota this month, otherwise I can kiss my annual bonus goodbye, and I can't afford that. I just had a daughter, you know."  
  
Genma bigsweated as he tried to think his way out of this. "Oh, really? That's a coincidence! My wife is actually pregnant right now! Ha ha ha!" His nervous laugh trailed off as something occurred to him, and he snapped his fingers.  
  
"Tell me... Mr. Invader... do you have a husband lined up for your daughter yet?" Genma asked slyly.  
  
The alien blinked. "Well, I... no, actually. I had someone in mind for that arrangement already, really, but..."  
  
Genma grinned. "Well, how would you like her to be married to the son of the hero of the Earth?"  
  
Mr. Invader looked down at Genma critically, and then fingered his lip, considering. "Keep talking, Terran."  
  
"It's simple," Genma explained. "My son, should I have one, will marry your daughter as soon as they become an appropriate age."  
  
"Thus replacing a costly military invasion with a diplomatic interracial marriage." Mr. Invader considered, nodding to himself. "We'll gain closer ties with Earth, even if we won't have them as slaves, and I can even manage to appease those whiny liberal brats back on my home planet that keep picketing in front of my house. I like the way you think, Saotome!" He then looked sharply at Genma. "But what if you have a daughter rather than a boy?"  
  
Genma started to sweat some more; he had been hoping the creature before him wouldn't think of that. "Well... uh..." He suddenly pointed west. "A couple thousand miles that way, there's a nation called France. Why don't you take them as collateral?"  
  
Mr. Invader looked toward where he was pointing. "France, huh?"  
  
Genma nodded quickly. "Yup! You won't even have to fight them! Just fly overhead and they'll surrender immediately!"  
  
The alien nodded in satisfaction, and then took Genma's hand and shook it. "Saotome, my boy, we have a deal! EARTH IS SPARED!!!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"And that, dear, is how I saved the Earth from enslavement by alien beings," Genma finished, grinning to himself.  
  
Nodoka smiled back at her husband even as she kept breathing heavily to overcome the pain of labor. She had been like this for several hours now, and Genma had been by her side, trying to help distract her with his stories from when he was training.  
  
"You really defeated their entire ground army?" She asked breathlessly.  
  
Genma nodded somberly. "And then their overwhelming space force. It was a terrible battle, but I do not regret the lives I took, for the Earth is safe, thanks to me.  
  
Nodoka looked up at her husband adoringly, and was about to ask another question, when suddenly her body suffered a contraction.  
  
Genma began to panic as his wife cried out suddenly, and before the man knew what was happening, the room had filled with nurses, and he was being pushed out of the room.  
  
For a good while he paced from side to side in the waiting room, apprehensive as any new father could be.  
  
'What if its a girl? Oh, good lord in heaven, PLEASE let it be a boy! If its a girl, then I can't marry him to one of Tendo's daughters! And what if that alien comes back? Oh please, please, PLEASE be a boy!'  
  
Luckily, before Genma could began biting his fingernails in nervousness, a nurse emerged and tapped him on the arm.  
  
He immediately whirled on the woman, grabbing her arm and effectively startling her.  
  
"Well?? Is it a boy or a girl?!"  
  
The nurse started in surprise, and barely stuttered out, "B-B-Boy."  
  
Genma turned around and quickly gave a prayer of thanks. 'Yes... I'm safe...'  
  
"Two boys, actually."  
  
Genma blinked, and then slowly turned toward her. "Two?"  
  
The nurse nodded, getting her bearings back. "Yes! You're the father of fraternal twins!"  
  
Genma stared at her blankly.  
  
"That means they're born together, but they look different," she explained.  
  
"Of course! I knew that!" Genma insisted, and then began walking back toward the delivery room.  
  
Genma entered to see Nodoka sitting peacefully on the bed holding her children, as calmly as if she hadn't been experiencing inhuman levels of pain just moments before.  
  
Absently noting Genma's entrance, Nodoka began to inspect the boys for differences in appearance and immediate mannerisms. A rather simple task, as one of them was bawling his eyes out and drooling on himself, while the other was generally trying to cringe away from the noise.  
  
Genma looked the children over and beamed. "Ah! Two sons! Nodoka, my dear, you've made me the happiest man alive today!"  
  
Nodoka merely hummed a short agreement as she started to clean off the one who was still crying.  
  
Ignoring his wife's lack of enthusiasm, Genma began to look over his new heirs.  
  
He immediately took favor to the one that wasn't sniffling to himself. This one has a slightly thicker body as well, while the other looked just a bit underweight.  
  
"Well, since we only came up with one name in case it was a boy, I think we should call this one Ranma." Genma nodded seriously to himself.  
  
"It's a good name," Nodoka mused. "As for this one... how about... Ataru?"  
  
Genma blinked. "Ataru? What kind of a name is that?"  
  
Nodoka shrugged. "If you can think of a better one..."  
  
Genma frowned to himself, then relented. "Well, Ataru it is then. They'll make fine martial artists, I'm sure!"  
  
And thus, the legend of Ranma and Ataru Saotome had begun.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
15 Years later...  
  
Genma sat still on the ground, legs folded and palms together in perfect meditation, his mind engrossed in the ways of the universe, and man's unfolding fate.  
  
'When will those boys finish down there? I'm hungry!'  
  
Genma's deep contemplation was disrupted by a light cough behind him, and the heavy-set martial artist slowly stood up and stretched. "So? How did it go?"  
  
The old man, a martial arts master significantly weakened by the ravages of time, offered a contemplative smile. "Your boy, Ranma, has much potential, and is very strong. Too strong, in fact, to benefit from anything I could teach him. There is nothing for him here."  
  
The old man was about to continue, when Genma nodded sharply and interrupted. "I thought that might be the case, yes..." Genma turned away and crossed his arms in contemplation.  
  
"My son Ranma has almost mastered physical unarmed combat. Its strengths, weaknesses, and its subtle lethality. Indeed, through the years he has taken to fighting like a swallow takes to flight, and is the embodiment of strength and tactical wit."  
  
The master nodded along slowly. "True, true. He really is a remarkable boy. But actually, it's the other one I wanted to talk to you about..."  
  
Again, Genma nodded. "Ah yes! And Ataru! The other side of the same coin, Ataru has mastered the non-combative aspects of Anything-Goes Martial Arts! Retreat, survival and stealth!"  
  
The old man sweatdropped. "It doesn't really count as martial arts if you just run away."  
  
Genma ignored the man, still in his 'reflective contemplation' mode. "Yes, growing up together, the boys inevitably chose different paths in their training. Ranma, the fierce warrior, gives himself to combat, refusing all else in the pursuit of victory. Ataru, like a Ninja, seeks tactical advantage, never allowing an opponent to corner him and hiding with such skill that it boggles the mind!"  
  
"One of the villagers caught him using those very skills to spy on the women's baths this morning..."  
  
Once again, the man was ignored. "They are as night and day, and yet, as one, they are the very embodiment of Anything-Goes! Purity and noble strength, combined with cowardice and shadowy guile!"  
  
"The village girls took him out on the street and started to beat him with hoes and rakes," the aging martial artist explained, walking up next to Genma. "Somehow, he escaped."  
  
Genma glanced over at him, mildly miffed that the old man had ignored his dramatic monologue.  
  
"Several of the village women have also expressed... 'concern' over some of Ataru's actions over the last two days," the man said, a hint of warning beneath his voice.  
  
Genma rolled his eyes. "Boys will be boys." 'Damn it, I knew I should have tried harder to keep Ataru away from the influence of women!' As if it was even possible. Ataru had developed an inexplicably accurate sense for detecting and finding attractive women. Ranma, thankfully, had not picked up Ataru's talent, or even desire, for finding and harassing pretty girls. In fact, Ranma had developed the opposite problem, in that they tended to come to him.  
  
Genma shook his head sadly, and then realized that the old man was trying to get his attention.  
  
"That may be true, but you should explain that to them, not me." The martial artist explained, smiling and pointing behind Genma.  
  
Slowly turning around, the master of the Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts beheld a fair-sized mob of angry looking villagers, most of them female and almost all of them armed with brooms, staffs, and assorted farming equipment.  
  
"Mr. Saotome? We'd like to have a... talk with your son."  
  
Genma sweatdropped big time.  
  
"You know, that reminds me... I've got to go to China! Goodbye!" Off like a rocket, Genma jumped over the fence blocking the yard from the village road, and ran swiftly in-between some houses as he navigated the small town.  
  
Ataru may have known more ways to run away than Genma had ever thought of, but he was still the one who had taught the boy.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Gimme me back my cookies!" Ranma growled, running at top speed alongside a forest stream.  
  
"Never!" Ataru shouted back, running ahead of his brother underneath the forest canopy.  
  
It was one struggle of many. The battle that commenced that day to decide the fate of the dozen chocolate chip morsels was a battle that had been fought hundreds of times before. Such struggles were the epitome of the classic rivalry between siblings. Right and wrong were issues for discussing after the fact. At that moment, there was only the chase, and the inevitable struggle for dominance.  
  
*Chomp* "Wow! These are still hot!" Ataru remarked to himself, still keeping up an admirable running speed.  
  
"NOOOOO!!! I PAID for those!!" Ranma yelled, and then leapt into the air.  
  
Okay, so maybe they were just hungry. But the dramatic psychological undercurrents are still there, right?  
  
Determined to recover the rest of his purchase, Ranma made it look like he was coming down at Ataru in a flying kick. Ataru adjusted his path predictably, and as Ranma descended at high speed, he grabbed the branch of a nearby tree, rotated completely around it at high speed, and then launched himself at his brother.  
  
Now, most people that had met Ataru and heard his story would say that Ataru had utterly wasted most of his life, having gone on a 10-year martial arts training trip and never having learned to fight, or in fact done anything especially useful or productive the entire time he was on the road.  
  
They were right, of course, but that didn't mean Ataru had walked away from his experiences with NOTHING. Even if sparring between Ataru and Ranma was hopelessly one-sided (because Ataru would never make a decent effort, and fell too easily), Genma had continued them in the hopes that the scrawny teenager would start taking his training a little more seriously and learn to fight back.  
  
Thus, Ataru had become VERY good at dodging.  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" *Crash!* *Smash!* *Bam!* Toom!* Ataru winced as he ducked his head to the ground, inadvertently causing his brother to fly into a wooden storage shed that had been built by the stream by some of the villagers.  
  
Ataru snickered to himself as he swallowed another cookie. "Nice landing, bro."  
  
Ranma dug himself out of the pile of tools and shattered wooden boards that had fallen atop him, growling and ready to tear his sibling's head off.  
  
Then he stopped, blinked, and pointed behind Ataru. "Wow! She is HOT!!"  
  
Ataru immediately whirled around. "What?! Where?! Who?! Where is-" Ataru stopped talking as he felt a hand fall onto his shoulder. "Uhhh..."  
  
*Thwack!* Pow!* *Wham!* *Pow!*  
  
Ranma picked up the plate of cookies, cradling them protectively in his arms.  
  
"Ugh... don't you think that was a little much?" Ataru groaned from the ground.  
  
Ranma snorted. "Save it, wouldja?" Ranma didn't like using distraction tricks-they were more Ataru's type of thing-but dammit, nobody took his cookies and got away with it!  
  
Within moments, Ataru was back on his feet and tenderly rubbing his head. It never failed to amaze Ranma how Ataru managed to benefit from the sparring that Genma made them do even though his brother never fought (not that the boy was a pacifist or anything; it was pretty much sheer cowardice and indifference). Ataru was the only person Ranma knew that could evade him so well for an extended period of time, and thanks to simply trying to hit his brother during their sparring matches, Ranma was also a great deal faster than he would have been otherwise. Also, Ataru had eventually developed a remarkable recovery time as a result of all the damage he had taken, though he still claimed an inexplicable aversion to pain.  
  
"C'mon Ranma! Give me one!" Ataru begged, licking his lips.  
  
Ranma turned around as he ate his snacks. "You already ate some, dope. Go buy your own."  
  
"But I don't have any money!" Ataru whined, making a half-hearted grab for the cookies.  
  
"Then what'd you spend it on? We both took that job cutting wood!" 'Not that you did any work,' Ranma added mentally, annoyed.  
  
"I spent it on food, just like you!" Ataru shouted back, swiping for the cookies again.  
  
Ranma held it a little further out of reach. "Then leave my food alone, dweeb!" Ranma planted his foot on Ataru's chest and launched him into the stream, causing a large shower of water and mud as Ataru fell into the onrushing stream.  
  
Ranma turned away. At 15 years old, Ranma already a superior physique that Ataru had always envied. Trim, but not skinny, Ranma was solid muscle. His jet black hair was tied into a short ponytail at the base of his head, and Ranma had said a few times that he'd tie it into a pigtail once he found some good string. On the training journey he had adopted a taste for Chinese clothing, although he also wore his gi often during training.  
  
Ataru, on the other hand, was everything that his brother was not... and less. Scrawny and undeveloped, Ataru was very skinny, but lacked any apparent muscle mass. Ataru had unkempt brown hair that he kept shorter than his brother. He preferred casual clothes at all times, and was currently wearing a pair of old jeans and one of the numerous white t-shirts he owned.  
  
Ranma finished his snack and began licking his fingers. Behind him, Ataru muttered irritably as he wrung out his shirt.  
  
"Ah, that was good." Turning to his brother, he smirked. "So, you want some cash? I heard there's a guy who wants someone to help build a fence near the edge of town. I've already got enough money, so you'll be on your own though. How about it?"  
  
Ataru blinked, then shook his head as he shrugged on his still-damp t-shirt. "No go bro. I don't think I'd be very welcome there right now."  
  
Ranma stared for a moment at his brother, then rubbed his forehead. "Oh God... you DIDN'T."  
  
Ataru sweatdropped. "Hey, you know, she was there, she started flirting, and I took a chance! I don't know what everyone is so worked up about!"  
  
Ranma grabbed his brother by the collar of his shirt and lifted him up. "'Flirting'? What, did she not punch you in the face as soon as she saw you?"  
  
Ataru blinked. "Well... okay, yeah, she did, but still, she was smiling at me afterwards! Mixed messages, you know how it is!"  
  
Ranma dropped Ataru onto the ground, his hands shaking as his eye twitching. "Ataru... didn't everyone TELL you not to mess with the mayor's daughter?! Because her father is very protective?! And very powerful?! You're lucky we don't have an angry mob after us!"  
  
At that very moment, Genma burst through the surrounding foliage, skidding to a halt as he found his boys.  
  
"There you are! Stop standing around like morons and start running before they find you!" Genma yelled. Then he took off in the same direction he had been heading, not waiting for his children to catch up.  
  
"Well, so much for being lucky, huh?" Ataru sweatdropped and began to stretch, like he was preparing to run a marathon.  
  
Ranma lifted a shaking fist into the air before him as he grit his teeth. "One of these days Ataru... mark my words... I am going to kill you."  
  
Ataru just rolled his eyes. "You say that every day."  
  
"Shut up and run."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
1 year later...  
  
Soun Tendo was a happy man.  
  
However, this joy did not stem, as some might guess at first, from an morally optimistic or peppy state of being. Indeed, many would even say that the patriarch of the Tendo Dojo was a stressed, miserable wreck of a man, whose very life and mental well-being hung on his three precious daughters, without which the man surely would have lost his will to live and shoved off long ago.  
  
Today, however, the man had reason for celebration.  
  
At last, after so many years, he had been contacted by his old friend Genma, with whom he had made a solemn promise. A promise he would never forget, unfortunately. A promise to unite the children of the remaining schools of Anything-Goes Martial Arts in holy matrimony.  
  
It was really sort of like a funny cosmic science project. Take two independent, volatile chemicals that refused to bond with each other, and callously pour them into a big vat of other violently reactive concoctions, and you had the Nerima situation, but without aliens. Soun and his promise were simply a catalyst, to position and direct the introduced reactants, and then stand by helplessly as everything went to hell.  
  
But, aside from the pointless analogy and gratuitous foreshadowing, Soun's daughters weren't so thrilled about the prospect as he was.  
  
"Don't we get any say in who we marry?" Akane, the youngest, complained loudly, clearly the most displeased with the idea.  
  
Soun stood firm. "It was decided before you were born. If Genma and I have children, then they will marry to unite the two schools of Anything-Goes Martial Arts. Genma had twin boys, I hear, so at the very least, one of you has to marry one of them."  
  
"Really Daddy, arranged marriages are SO old fashioned," Nabiki drawled, munching on a cracker.  
  
Kasumi put a hand to her cheek. "Oh my. This is so sudden. He has twins, you say? I hope they're not younger than me."  
  
"I'll bet they're both perverts. All boys are perverts!" Akane groused, crossing her arms over his chest.  
  
"Oh Akane," Nabiki chided, rolling her eyes, "you never know; they might be cute!" She turned toward Soun. "How about it Daddy? Are they cute?"  
  
"They're not younger than me, are they? Younger men are so... young." Kasumi asked, a worried expression across her pretty face.  
  
"What kind of guys are these two, anyway?"  
  
Soun sweatdropped. "I... I have no idea. I've never met them."  
  
"............................" Silence. Outside, a tumbleweed could be seen rolling across the road (which was unusual, especially considering the heavy rain, never mind the geography). Until it reached an intersection, where it was run over and crushed by nameless, faceless people who could care less about plot development.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
A passing redheaded girl spit repeatedly in disgust as she wiped bits of wet tumbleweed off her face, after she had been sprayed by a passing car.  
  
"Stupid plants..." Suddenly remembering a far more crucial issue that had been recently introduced, the busty pigtailed girl wearing Chinese clothing turned to face behind her.  
  
"Yeah, well I don't care if that dork thinks it's a good idea! I say the whole thing sucks!"  
  
Onlookers' eyes widened as a large, wet panda emerged from the haze of the downpour down the street, running at a surprising rate as it barreled toward the redhead.  
  
She growled, and then grabbed the panda's arm as it swung at her. "Choosing my fiancee..." She then flipped over the panda's head, and thus flipped the panda, slamming it hard into the ground. "Without even asking!!"  
  
She flicked her pigtail over her shoulder, and looked down at the fallen animal condescendingly. "I'm going back to China. Suck on THAT, old man."  
  
Suddenly, another figure made itself known. On the fence next to the canal, another girl walked along at a casual pace, shaking her head. She was arguably just as beautiful as the first, but was taller, had short blue hair, and wore a plain white t-shirt and jeans, which didn't seem to fit right on her body.  
  
"Ranma, come on man. You never know! They might be hot! And I mean, they're literally just HANDING them to us!"  
  
Ranma's eyes narrowed. "Give it a rest Ataru. I can't believe you're taking this so lightly! I mean, doesn't it MEAN anything to you anymore to be like that?"  
  
Ataru looked down at herself, and then shrugged. "Well, sure, I mean, it's a pain, but in the long run, isn't it more important to find a major babe to marry?"  
  
"You sicken me," Ranma muttered.  
  
At this point, Genma had gotten his wet panda bulk up off the ground, and raised a sign in the air. [You don't even have to marry one of them Ranma] Genma flipped the sign. [Ataru could do it!]  
  
Ranma growled. "What're you, stupid?!"  
  
"Yes," Ataru quickly interjected. They ignored her.  
  
"You KNOW that Ataru's gonna screw it all up anyway! Why even waste time when we could be looking for a cure?"  
  
Ataru feigned having a pain in her heart, clutching her breast dramatically. "That hurts, bro. Right here."  
  
Ranma turned toward her brother/sister. "Oh, stuff it. No woman in her right mind would put up with you."  
  
Ataru chuckled. "Aw, give me a break, man! Look, I promise I'll be good, okay? Besides, it couldn't hurt to check it out, right?"  
  
Ranma's left eye twitched. "YES, it could. Remember the last time you said that?"  
  
Ataru rolled her eyes. "Dude, come on, it wasn't like it was ME who lit you on fire."  
  
"YES, it was!" Ranma shouted.  
  
"Well, not on purpose."  
  
Ranma glared at her cursed sibling for a long moment, then grabbed the sign post that was being swung at her head.  
  
"Give it a rest, will ya?!" Ranma shouted, then spun around and smacked the panda across the face with the road sign, knocking it clean into the wall Ataru was standing on, and nearly causing her brother turned sister to fall.  
  
Then she sighed heavily. "All right. Fine. You wanna go ahead with this, go ahead. But I swear, once this thing falls apart, I'm leaving for China, period!" Ranma growled. At times she really wondered which curse was worse; turning into a girl, or having to put up with his brother and father.  
  
Genma got up in a dizzy, and unsteadily raised a sign. [That's the spirit!] Flip. [If you'll excuse me, I think I'll rest here a moment.] *Thud*  
  
"It's YOUR turn," Ranma stated firmly, his eyes on the road ahead of him as he walked.  
  
"But Ranma-!" Ataru whined, only to be cut off.  
  
"I dragged his furry carcass along last time; now it's your turn! Just do it!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
A cold shudder blasted through Akane's spine as a knock on the door sounded. She wasn't exactly sure why; sure, she had a very bad feeling about this whole situation, but she was already gearing herself up for a worst-case scenario and taking inventory of all the weapons she had stashed around the house in case the need to defend herself arose. Surely, that would be enough, right? Even if they did turn out to be total perverts, as she expected, how bad could they possibly be?  
  
Soun and Nabiki rushed to the door, eager to greet the new arrivals, while Kasumi followed at a more sedate pace, fretting about the possible age of their visitors.  
  
Soun reached the door and threw it open immediately.  
  
A grinning, bright-eyed bluette stood before him, and then saluted.  
  
"Yo! Ataru Saotome here! Are you Soun Tendo?"  
  
Soun blinked, understandably confused. The girl was wearing a white t-shirt which, while it wasn't thin enough to turn transparent in the rain, was molded around two rather large breasts which the article was never made to conceal. The person before him was a girl. "Uh, yes, I'm Soun Tendo..." hadn't Genma said one of his sons was named Ataru?  
  
Ataru nodded. "Cool! My Pop said we could crash here! 'Scuse me!" Ataru made his way past Soun, and then stopped as soon as she saw Nabiki. "Va va voom! How you doin'?" She asked, grinning widely.  
  
Nabiki blinked, and then narrowed her eyes upon realizing that the person in front of her was female. Ignoring the strange introduction, Nabiki pushed past her father to look out the front door.  
  
Upon seeing a red-haired girl dragging an insensate panda up to the front porch (muttering all the while about lazy jerks), she turned to her father, annoyed. "Daddy, are these those friends you were expecting?"  
  
Soun shook his head wildly.  
  
Ranma got up to the front door, and then realized that she had an audience. Putting a hand to the back of her head in embarrassment, Ranma bowed. "Uh, I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about all this."  
  
Soun blinked. "You're... Ranma Saotome?"  
  
Ranma nodded.  
  
Soun very slowly turned around, where the other girl was quite openly admiring Kasumi. "And you're... Ataru Saotome?"  
  
Ataru nodded absently. 'Damn, she has a nice bod!' Her eyes were drawn to Akane as she entered the room. 'Hello, what's this?'  
  
Soun began looking back and forth between Ranma and Ataru. "And your father... is Genma Saotome?"  
  
"Unfortunately," Ranma admitted.  
  
Soun nodded slowly in understanding, the pieces of the puzzle finally assembling themselves into coherency.  
  
Then he fainted dead away.  
  
Ranma blinked as the tall girl with brown hair sighed, and the younger girl with black hair dragged Soun into the living room. The last sister followed them, muttering about misinformation and stupidity (and casting uneasy glances at Ataru).  
  
Ranma waited until the procession had left the room, and then turned to Ataru. "Okay, I admit it. That went WAY better than I could have possibly hoped."  
  
Ataru grinned. "Hey, what did I tell ya? It's clear sailing from here, bro!"  
  
Ranma's eyes went flat. "How do you figure that? We've still got to explain to these people that we're guys."  
  
"Well, yeah, besides that."  
  
"Growf!" [Idiot! You kicked me while I was down, didn't you?!]  
  
"Hey Pop! You're awake!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
After things had been sorted out among the Saotomes (meaning that Genma had been thrown into the backyard, a prominent lump on his head), the two cursed brothers took their places in the living room as Soun was roused into consciousness.  
  
"But Genma said he had two BOYS!" Soun cried, staring up into the ceiling. How could Genma do this to him? And the man wasn't even around to explain himself!  
  
"Uh..." Ataru opened her mouth, but stopped when she caught a sharp warning glare from the redhead next to her.  
  
Nabiki snorted. "Well, you should have made sure! Does THIS look like a boy to you?!" For emphasis, she reached out and squeezed Ranma's chest, causing the pigtailed girl to grimace badly.  
  
Ataru snickered slightly. "You know, actually-" *Thock!* The blue-haired girl was silenced with a lightning-fast jab to her cheek, and was still quite dizzy when Ranma grabbed her by the collar and pulled her ear next to her mouth.  
  
"Idiot!" She whispered, "don't just go and tell them like that! This is important!"  
  
"Hey, is something wrong?"  
  
Ranma blinked and released Ataru as she looked up. "Uh, hey..."  
  
Akane smiled down at her. "My name's Akane. Want to be friends?"  
  
Ranma blinked once more. "Uh-"  
  
"Sure! I'll be friends with you!" Ataru shouted, jumping up and putting her arm around Akane's shoulders. "We'll be best friends! And we'll go to slumber parties and play truth or dare and get in big sweaty pillow fights and-" *Crack!*  
  
Akane had been a tad weirded out by how the girl had started rambling, but was still very concerned when her new "friend" locked up in agony after she heard that strange cracking noise. It seemed to come from below, but when she looked down, the only thing that seemed out of place was that Ranma appeared to have laid his hand lightly on Ataru's foot. "Ataru? Are you okay?"  
  
"Mommy..." the bluette squeaked.  
  
Ranma stood up calmly, and then smirked as she wagged her finger in front of Ataru's face. "Now sis, let's not be TOO friendly and smother our hosts, eh?"  
  
Akane sweatdropped and waved her hands in front of her. "No! No! It's all right! She's just... enthusiastic!"  
  
"I'll say," Ranma muttered.  
  
Akane composed herself. "We have a dojo in the back. Why don't I show you around?"  
  
Ranma blinked. "Dojo? Okay, sure..."  
  
Akane walked toward the hallway, looking over her shoulder as Ataru hobbled along with a limp. "Are you all right?"  
  
Ataru cracked a fractured smile and grinned weakly. "I will be once my ankle grows back..."  
  
"Yeah," Ranma intoned ahead of them, "I've been getting a lot better at that."  
  
Akane blinked, having not a single clue as to what they were talking about, and then forgot about it as she jogged ahead of Ranma to lead the way to the dojo.  
  
Ranma whistled to herself as she walked into the center of the practice hall. "Not bad... not bad at all."  
  
Akane smiled. "You like it?"  
  
Ataru nodded seriously, observing Akane from behind. "Oh yeah. Spectacular, even."  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes as Akane stepped into the hall.  
  
"So," the youngest Tendo daughter spoke, hoping to break the ice, "which of you is the better fighter?"  
  
Ranma immediately jabbed a thumb at himself. Ataru immediately pointed a finger at Ranma.  
  
Akane blinked. "Well, you agree on that easily enough..." truth be told, she was expecting a bit of debate, or maybe even a fight, over who was the better martial artist. Neither of them really looked very powerful, and the redhead's petite body made it seem even more that she would be rather weak.  
  
Shrugging, Akane turned toward Ranma. "Want to have a little match?"  
  
Ataru blink-blinked, while a large sweatdrop rolled down Ranma's head.  
  
"Uh..."  
  
Ataru cut Ranma off, thankfully, and jumped in front of Akane. "No, wait! You don't want to mess with him, trust me! He'll tear you apart! That guy is brutal! I should know! He's always-" *Clonk!* Ranma's fist landed lightly upon Ataru's head, shutting the young lecher's mouth quite effectively.  
  
Akane blinked. "'Him'? 'Guy'? 'He'? Who are you talking about?"  
  
Ranma's left eye twitched, and she grabbed Ataru by the collar and propped him up straight. "Say Ataru-CHAN, why don't you give Akane a little warm-up first, eh? Then we can see about another match."  
  
Akane shook her head. "I can't fight her! She has a hurt ankle!"  
  
Both 'brothers' blinked, and Akane looked down at Ataru's foot, only to see that she was putting weight on it, with no visible discomfort.  
  
"Uh... ow! Oh! The pain! Make the hurting stop! Please! Oh!" Ataru grabbed her foot and then proceeded to hop around the dojo, moaning and crying in an utterly unconvincing manner.  
  
Ranma coughed into a fist. "Wrong ankle, Einstein."  
  
Akane giggled as Ataru sweatdropped, and then fell into a light fighting stance. "Oh, don't worry. I'll go real easy on you!"  
  
Ataru blinked, and stopped hopping around. "You promise?"  
  
Akane smiled brightly and held up a palm. "Cross my heart and hope to die."  
  
"Wonder how long that'll last..." Ranma muttered to herself.  
  
"Well... okay... I guess..." Ataru scratched the back of her head as Akane prepared herself.  
  
"You ready? Okay, here I come!"  
  
The following two minutes were perhaps the most amusing moments Ranma had ever experienced (it was funny to watch Ataru try to pick up girls as well, but after watching that so many times, it had gotten old).  
  
Ranma knew from experience that Ataru's incredible skill at dodging when caught in a fight didn't come from any sort of concentration or focus, but merely gobs and gobs of experience. He had to TRY in order to avoid a punch, but as soon as he did, instinct built from years of having been beaten into the ground took over, and it was all but impossible to touch the man.  
  
"Rrrrgh..." Akane was feeling the type of frustration that Ranma experienced everyday, only tenfold. She was used to HITTING her targets, and hitting them hard. As she stopped making her blows sloppy and weak on purpose, Akane began to put more force in her attacks to try and make them more accurate.  
  
It was all to no avail. Ataru stayed well away from the offensive, emitting yelps and eeps even as she jumped out of the way with many feet to spare.  
  
The most frustrating part for Akane was that, along with pretending that she was panicking when she was dodging her easily, the stupid girl hadn't thrown a single punch! Not even a feint!  
  
"All right," Akane growled, "Now it's for real!"  
  
"What?!" Ataru shouted, "Whoa! No way! You said you weren't going to-Yipe! Hey! Waugh! Not so close! Gyah! Not in the face! Not in the face!!"  
  
Akane pressed her offensive some more, and then grit her teeth when Ataru's back fell against the wall of the dojo. "What kind of martial artist are you?! Hyaaa!!" Launching a roundhouse, Akane put all of her strength and momentum into a final strike, aimed to drop Ataru instantly if it connected.  
  
It never did.  
  
*Crash!!* Akane found her foot stuck in the dojo wall as Ataru's image seemed to... disintegrate. Almost as if she had just disappeared.  
  
Yanking her foot out, Akane whirled around to face her opponent.  
  
Only to find that she wasn't behind her, either.  
  
Dropping her guard slightly, Akane looked back and forth across the dojo, toward the hole she had put in the wall, and then again toward the entrance.  
  
Finally, she turned toward Ranma. "Hey, where'd she go? What happened?"  
  
Ranma rolled her eyes. "Ataru may not be much in the muscle department, but he... er... she can hide with the best of 'em." With that, Ranma slowly raised one hand to point up at the ceiling.  
  
Akane looked up, and sweatdropped.  
  
Ataru sweatdropped as well, as she hung by her fingernails onto the ceiling of the dojo. "Heh heh... uh... hey there..."  
  
Akane stared at Ataru for a moment, then laughed suddenly. "Ha ha! You're really good!"  
  
*Thud!* Ataru immediately lost her grip on the ceiling and fell straight to the floor. "I am?" She asked, totally baffled, as she lifted her head off the floor.  
  
"She IS?" Ranma asked, just as confused.  
  
Akane nodded. "Well, yeah, anyone who can dodge as well as she can must have worked really hard to train!"  
  
Ataru blinked, then laughed. "You got that right! 'The path of a martial artist is fraught with peril', you know! Traveling to foreign lands to train in the wilds and dangerous forests, and all that! It was really hard!"  
  
"Yeah," Ranma said wryly, "What with me having to carry half your stuff, and you always skipping out on training to go slumming."  
  
Ataru snorted and crossed her arms over her chest. "What you call 'slumming', I happen to think of as 'socializing'."  
  
"That's because you're a moron," Ranma muttered.  
  
Akane sweatdropped as the two siblings began shooting glares at each other. "Uh... look, I'm sure you're both kind of tired right now, what with just getting back for your trip. I think Kasumi was filling up the bath a little while ago. Why don't you two take a soak?"  
  
Ranma and Ataru looked at each other, and then each one shrugged.  
  
"Sounds good to me."  
  
"You wanna join us, cutie?" *Whack!* "Ow! I was just kidding! Jeez!"  
  
Akane giggled a bit as she watched the two girls go. They were kind of goofy, really, and the taller blue haired one definitely made her uneasy, but overall, they seemed like nice enough girls.  
  
She fingered the gi for a moment, and then grimaced. She had worked up quite a sweat trying to get Ataru.  
  
"You know... maybe I'll take her up on her offer." Sure, the girl kind of creeped her out, but she seemed very friendly. A little feeling in the back of her mind wasn't anything to be wary of, was it? She left for her room to get a fresh set of clothes.  
  
That was quite possibly the most optimistic thought that Akane Tendo would ever have from that point forward, for the rest of her miserable life.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Ha ha! Score, bro! They're all babes! This is gonna be great!"  
  
Ranma ignored his brother as he rested on his side of the furo, his towel atop his head. "Yeah, well, be that as it may, we can't keep on letting them think we're girls, obviously." Ranma sighed. "I saw Pop talking to Mr. Tendo. I guess he changed back. By the time we get down, Tendo will probably have the whole story, so we should probably just go down like this and let Pop do the explain'in."  
  
Ataru nodded thoughtfully. "Well planned, well planned."  
  
Unlike their cursed forms, in which Ataru was taller and more filled out than Ranma, Ranma had if anything gained even more on his brother on height and mass, while Ataru was still as scrawny as ever. Ranma had occasionally wondered why the comparison more or less flipped in their cursed forms, but that inquisition had been mostly crushed beneath a disgust and general loathing for the curse and whatever magic caused it.  
  
Ranma got up. "Well, that's long enough. Let's get down there."  
  
Ataru nodded and stood up himself.  
  
*Clack*  
  
Both brothers turned as the door to the changing room opened, and a very naked Akane stepped through the doorway, only to stop and blink as soon as she saw them.  
  
Both boys blinked back. Ataru's mouth hung open slightly, and a bit of drool escaped.  
  
Inevitably, Akane's gaze wandered down a little bit, confirming that they boys too, were naked.  
  
Slowly, and calmly, Akane turned around and left the bathroom, closing the door behind her.  
  
Ataru chuckled to himself, then turned to his brother. "See? See?! We haven't been here an hour, and we've already seen one of them naked! See? This was a great idea!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"  
  
Ranma massaged his forehead. "Ataru, just get dressed so that you're not still naked when they throw us out, all right?"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Nabiki winced as Akane's scream tore through the house, and frowned as her little sister tore down the stairs and hefted up the dining room table.  
  
"I'll drown them in the bath tub! That's what I'll do!"  
  
Nabiki blinked. "Drown who?"  
  
Akane turned towards her. "There's a couple of perverts in the bathroom!"  
  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Well, why didn't you just beat them to death right then and there?"  
  
"Because I got SCARED, that's why!" Akane retorted.  
  
"Uh... hey..."  
  
Akane, Nabiki, and Kasumi (who had been listening to the former two in worry) all turned toward the staircase.  
  
Ranma grimaced and scratched the back of his head nervously. "I'm Ranma Saotome... sorry about all this."  
  
Behind him, Ataru made a "victory" sign with his fingers and shoved them past Ranma's shoulders. "And I'm Ataru Saotome! Now about this engagem-URK!!"  
  
Ranma twitched slightly as he dug his elbow a little deeper into Ataru's gut. "Timing, Ataru. Timing," Ranma growled.  
  
At that moment, Soun emerged from the guest room with a heavy-set man wearing a white gi and a white bandanna over his head. "Ah! There you are! Very good! This is perfect! Everyone, sit down!"  
  
Nabiki crossed her arms over her chest. "I can't WAIT to hear this one..."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"And here sirs, we come to legendary training ground Jusenkyou, Valley of Cursed Springs!" The Chinese guide turned around as he gestured to the numerous springs in the valley.  
  
Ranma snorted. "Ah, this place doesn't look so tough. We came all that way for this?"  
  
Ataru yawned, and let his pack (noticeably smaller than the others') fall to the ground. "So what's the deal? Do we get to go swimming, or what?"  
  
The guide blinked. "Oh, you very strange, no sir? Nobody use these springs any more. Is too, too dangerous to... sir? Sirs? You listening? Is very important!"  
  
The guide was, in fact, being totally ignored as Ataru once again proved his remarkable immunity to work. "But we can't do that! It's dangerous! What if we fall down?"  
  
"So what if we fall down?!" Genma shouted, "You'll just fall in the water! Maybe it'll finally make a man out of you!"  
  
Ranma blinked, and then looked up in wonder. "That's weird... I just felt a twinge of irony..."  
  
"But Pop..." Ataru whined, "we've been traveling all day! Let's stop to eat and rest first! Come on!"  
  
Genma twitched, a vein popping up on his forehead. Then he lowered his eyes. "Ranma, would you assist your brother please?"  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Stupid old man... why can't you just do it yourself?"  
  
Before Ataru could sneak away, Ranma had grabbed him by his shirt collar and lifted him up.  
  
"You traitor!" Ataru accused.  
  
"That would imply that I was on your side at some point," Ranma reminded him, and then hurled his brother into the training ground.  
  
"Aiyah! Sir! What you doing?!" The guide yelled, gaping.  
  
Genma adjusted his belt. "I like to call it 'parenting'."  
  
"You would, wouldn't you?" Ranma muttered.  
  
"AAAAAAAH!!" Ataru yelped as one of the springs rushed up at him, and he barreled headfirst toward the water.  
  
In that split second, the young Saotome called up all his lessons, his training, his instruction in the art to help him. This was what he had trained for, what he had suffered for ever since he had left his home all those years ago...  
  
And then he just as quickly threw it all out the window and opted for blind panic.  
  
And so, Ataru grabbed one of the bamboo poles that were sticking out of the spring, barely stopping his fall before he wrapped his arms and legs around it, firmly securing himself a bare two feet above the water, and whatever rocks or animals might be below the surface.  
  
"Hey Ataru," he heard Ranma say, "You're supposed to land on top of them!"  
  
"Yeah right!" Ataru yelled back, "How the hell am I supposed to..." Ataru trailed off as he saw both his brother and father alighted upon bamboo poles, keeping their balance on one foot. "Show-offs."  
  
Ranma smirked as Genma attacked, and jumped up in the air. "You're no match for me, old man!"  
  
Unfortunately for Genma, Ranma was quite right. Trying to hit Ataru during sparring matches had led to extraordinary jumps in Ranma's natural agility, and after Genma had tried probing his son's defenses, he found himself flying toward one of the springs as Ranma jumped off of him.  
  
Ranma chuckled to himself as Genma hit the surface of the water. "What's the matter Pop? We done already?"  
  
"Good!" Ataru shouted, still hanging onto his bamboo pole, "let's get out of here and eat!"  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes, and then returned his gaze to the disturbed spring as bubbles began to surface on the water.  
  
*Goosh!* A huge, wet, furry panda broke the surface of the spring, and bounded up to land on one of the bamboo poles, seemingly ignorant of the distribution of mass it now presented.  
  
Ranma gaped, and pointed at the beast, his hand shaking. "Wh... Wha... What is... It... It's wearing Pops' glasses and gi!" Indeed, the man's wire-frame glasses were hanging off its ear, yet another thing that the dumb animal hadn't realized.  
  
Ataru's eyes widened. "Holy Raisinettes! That panda ate Pop! And my camera's still in my backpack! Damn it!"  
  
The guide shook his head wearily. "Sir fall into Spring of Drowned Panda. Is very tragic story of panda who drown in cursed spring 1,500 year ago. Now, whoever fall in spring take body of panda. Is very cursed spring!"  
  
"What?!" Ranma sputtered, "You didn't say anything about-UGH!!!"  
  
Unfortunately for Ranma, Genma had purposefully shut out the guide's rambling so as not to distract him from the fight, as it was clearly distracting Ranma. That Ranma might have a good reason to listen to the man, or that the man was explaining why he feeling rather off-balance right now hadn't occurred to him at all.  
  
And so, a fierce punch landed, and Ranma was sent flying off across the valley, eventually landing in a spring of his own.  
  
Ataru gaped at what was happening, and gulped loudly as he realized that he could, for all he knew, be just a few feet away from becoming a dog or something.  
  
Of course, after his brother hit the water, something else came to his attention. One that clearly superceded the crisis that his family was currently suffering.  
  
'There's a girl around here!' All else was cleanly forgotten.  
  
And thus, Ataru had absolutely no idea who the cute, busty redhead emerging from the water in a soaked training gi was. Of course, if he had given it two seconds' thought it would have been clear, but Ataru didn't exactly have a wonderful attention span.  
  
Jumping off his bamboo support to land safely on the ground, Ataru immediately ran for the disturbed spring, zipping between the dangerous pools of water with skill and agility that one would never normally associate with the lazy, clumsy teenager.  
  
Ranma, in a particular, was very surprised when she saw her brother suddenly shoot towards her and then dive toward the water, especially concerned as she was that she had been transformed into some manner of animal.  
  
*Splash!*  
  
"Bleagh! Ataru! What the hell are you doing?!" Ranma sputtered.  
  
"Don't worry! I'll save you! Hang in there!" Ataru shouted fearlessly, grabbing Ranma around the waist.  
  
"Save me from WHAT?! I'm on the edge of the spri-GYAH!!!" Ranma was then subjected to an EXTREMELY unpleasant sensation from a part of her body that she was not familiar with at all. "Don't touch me!!" *Slam!!* *Pow!* *Thwack!* *Bash!*  
  
Genma, still in panda form as he watched from the edge of one of the springs, sweatdropped heavily along with the guide, who had walked up next to him.  
  
Ranma drove a last fist into Ataru's gut, and then growled as she tossed the sorely beaten girl onto the ground surrounding the spring.  
  
It wasn't until she got out of the water herself that she realized something was wrong, and took another long look at Ataru.  
  
"Blue hair... rounded hips... BREASTS..." Ranma's left eye started to twitch quite badly, and being very careful not to look down at her own chest, she turned her head toward the guide. "What spring is this?"  
  
The guide shook his head sadly. "This spring of drowned girl. Is very tragic legend of-"  
  
A scream of outrage, fury, anger, and a lot of other synonyms for being mad erupted throughout the valley, sending birds, rabbits, and one panda in particular, scrambling for cover.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma sighed heavily, sitting at the dining room table. "And so that's the story..." He grit his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut. "Jeez... I haven't been able to sleep well since it happened. It's just so horrible, you can't even imagine..."  
  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Being a girl?"  
  
"No!" Ranma shouted, "Being felt up by my brother!" The entire Tendo family immediately facefaulted.  
  
Ataru looked indignant. "Hey! Do you think I WANTED to touch YOU like that?"  
  
A vein popped up on Ranma's forehead, and he slammed a fist on the table as he faced Ataru. "Well you sure ACTED like it back at Jusenkyou!"  
  
"Hey, if I'd known it was YOU..."  
  
Soun ignored the bickering teenagers in favor of Genma. "So, how exactly does this curse work?"  
  
Genma scratched his chin in thought. "Well... how shall I explain this... I know!" Genma moved his hand as if to grab Ranma by the back of his shirt.  
  
"Touch me and you die," Ranma said sharply.  
  
Genma's hand stopped short, and he sweatdropped. "Riiiiight..." Then he grabbed Ataru by the back of his shirt instead.  
  
"Hey! What're you-GWAAAAAA!!" *Goosh!* Ataru landed smack dab in the middle of the koi pond, and quickly surfaced, his hair now a dark shade of blue. "What the hell was that for?!"  
  
Genma nodded and crossed his arms over his chest. "As you can see, the curse is activated-" *Splash*  
  
Ranma lowered his water glass, smirking as the panda glared down at him, "-With cold water," he finished.  
  
Soun suddenly appeared over his old friend, and quickly poured a stream of very hot water on him, converting him back to human.  
  
"Yow! It needn't be quite THAT hot, Tendo!"  
  
Ataru drudged inside, and wasn't paying attention when the boiling water hit him too. "Yowch! Hey! What's the deal?!"  
  
Soun smiled. "And you change back as well." Soun clapped a hand on Ataru's shoulder, and then pushed him forward until he was positioned next to his brother. "Well then, your problems aren't so bad after all, are they?"  
  
He pointed to Kasumi. "Kasumi, she's 19."  
  
Then at Nabiki. "Nabiki, age 17."  
  
And finally, he pointed to Akane. "And you've already met Akane, she's 16."  
  
Soun clapped the other hand on Ranma's shoulder. "Just choose any one you want, and she'll be your new fiancee!"  
  
"Yes! The moment of truth!" Ataru cheered. Ranma considered hitting him, but decided against it.  
  
The Tendo girls all developed huge sweatdrops.  
  
Nabiki gulped. Looking at the situation, she really would prefer to not be part of this at all. While they guy with the pigtail WAS seriously cute, and had the muscle to boot, he also turned into a girl, which was not the kind of thing she wanted in her knight in shining armor. The fact that the other one shared that affliction was coupled with the fact that he really wasn't very pleasant to look at, and seemed way too focused on their bodies as he looked over them.  
  
Kasumi's thoughts mostly mirrored Nabiki's, but there was an added concern. As the oldest, it would fall to her to marry one of them if both of her younger sisters absolutely resisted the idea. She was also a little more concerned with the less superficial nature of the boys. While Ranma seemed to have some mature common sense and wit about him, he also seemed a bit bitter and cold. And while Ataru seemed very warm and friendly, he... well.... seemed VERY warm and friendly. And rather dull upstairs, too.  
  
Needless to say, Akane's take on the whole matter wasn't so kind. Somewhere along the lines of "The first one to pick me gets a foot where the sun don't shine". All other considerations were considered extraneous.  
  
Ranma felt a general sense of unease as the girls began sizing them up, and Soun waited patiently.  
  
He turned toward Ataru. "This is your thing Ataru. Go for it."  
  
Ataru grinned. "Yes!" Then he looked them over critically. "But which one should I choose...?"  
  
Suddenly, he turned toward Soun. "Can I take more than one?"  
  
Soun blinked. The three Tendo sisters blanched.  
  
Nabiki took a chance and pushed Akane forward. "Oh, he definitely wants Akane!"  
  
"What?" Akane shouted.  
  
"Of course, it's perfect!" Kasumi agreed happily.  
  
Ataru blinked. "I want Akane, eh? ......... Okay!" Then he launched himself forward.  
  
*Thwack!!* Akane's haymaker smashed straight into Ataru's face, stopping the boy before he could tackle her.  
  
"Keep your distance!" She growled, and then turned toward her sisters. "Why should I marry him?!"  
  
Nabiki grinned. "Well, you hate boys, right?"  
  
"Well, you're in luck!" Kasumi added, "He's half girl!"  
  
Akane clenched her teeth. "Why would I want to marry a pervert like that?!"  
  
Ranma chuckled. "Man, looks like she's got your number already, eh Ataru?" Then he felt Soun's hand on his shoulder. "What?"  
  
Soun cleared his throat, gaining his daughters' attention. "Be that as it may, I'd actually much prefer if you'd both choose a fiancee."  
  
Ranma's expression went perfectly neutral. "Excuse me?"  
  
Soun nodded. "Though the goal is to unite the two schools of Anything-Goes, the actual agreement was for any of Genma's children to marry mine."  
  
Genma blinked, and then rubbed his chin. "Ah, quite right, Tendo. I hadn't thought of that."  
  
Nabiki and Kasumi's faces darkened.  
  
"Oh my. Father, is this really necessary?"  
  
"Great... well, at least this just leaves the cute one."  
  
"Wait a minute!" Akane shouted, slamming her hands flat against the dining room table, "Don't think you can dismiss me! I refuse to go along with this! There's no way I'm going to marry some pervert!"  
  
Ataru's eyes narrowed. "You have something AGAINST perverts? Huh?"  
  
Akane blinked. "What?"  
  
Suddenly, Ataru was right in front of her, his brown eyes bearing down on her. "Let me guess. You also hate lechers too, eh? No doubt."  
  
"Er..." Akane wasn't exactly sure what to say; the conversation was quickly spiraling out of her control.  
  
Ataru turned away, throwing his hands up in the air. "And next we'll hear of complaints of playboys and neurotics! You sicken me, Akane Tendo! You should be ashamed!"  
  
Akane winced, and then, ever so slowly, lowered her head. "I... I'm sorry. I guess... I guess I was wrong..."  
  
Ranma found a clock on the wall, and fixated on the second hand. "Three... two... one..."  
  
Akane's head snapped up. "Hey! Wait a minute!"  
  
The pigtailed boy shook his head sadly. "Mentally outmaneuvered by Ataru. OUCH."  
  
Akane glared at the lecherous teenager as he chuckled. "Why you little..."  
  
Ataru grinned. "Hey, it was just a joke!" Then he leaned in close to her. "Say, since we're getting married and all, why don't we get to KNOW each other tonight? Eh? Eh? What's with that glint in your eye? What are you-HEY!! Stop!! No!! You're choking meeeaaggh!"  
  
Ranma watched as his brother tried to pry himself away from Akane's iron grip, and then turned toward Soun. "Look, seeing how I'll be obligated not to marry into your family if she kills my brother, let's make this decision pending, all right?"  
  
Soun sweatdropped heavily. "All right. Sounds fair." Then he spoke a little louder, to Akane, "Akane, could you loosen your grip just a little bit? I don't think Ataru can breathe like that."  
  
"I'm gonna hit you until candy comes out!" Akane screamed, holding the Saotome boy in a headlock.  
  
"It's going to be one of those years, isn't it?" Nabiki wondered aloud.  
  
"Somebody help meeeeeee!!"  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
End Chapter 1 


	2. Love, Hate, and Oreos

The scene opens up in a small room with a fireplace, centered on a young man with dark hair and glasses, wearing a formal evening jacket and sitting in a large, plush, velvet chair.  
  
"Hello, and welcome to the first official installment of Jusenkyou Theatre. Once again, I would like to thank all you readers, who, like the moth that keeps beating his head against a glass pane to get to a source of light and heat powerful enough to completely incinerate it, insist upon returning to my humble archives to have their misplaced, optimistic hopes for a good half-hour of quality entertainment crushed like beetles beneath a steamroller."  
  
"Smashing analogy, Drags old boy," came a voice from off-camera.  
  
Black Dragon turned his head to the side, smirking. "Why, thank you." He then turned back toward the camera. "For the convenience of those that neglected to view my critical Takahashi Soup chapter 1 revision, I have placed a note of considerable importance in what would otherwise be the disclaimer. Reading the revision will help clear up any misguided expectations for Inu-Yasha to appear, and also serve to explain to the ignorant just what the hell this is."  
  
"In this edition of Jusenkyou Theatre, I have arranged a little fireplace discussion between me and another L33T fanfiction author of admirable esteem, a Mr. Joshua Temple, the first."  
  
BD gestures to his left, and the camera pans out to show the whole room. Sitting in a chair right next to BD's, at a 90 degree angle to it, is a man with very short black hair wearing a red velvet robe and holding a pipe in his hand.  
  
Black Dragon continued. "We bring you this discussion as part of a service provided by Anifics.com, the Internet's PREMIUM communications node for intellectual writers of good taste, and Canadians. We feel it is our obligation-no! Our duty to bring the most important issues of the anime world to the attention of the ignorant fools of the web!"  
  
Josh then leaned forward toward the camera. "However, that would require considerable effort on our part, so instead, we decided to ramble on randomly for a few paragraphs and hope it looks like intelligent discussion."  
  
BD nodded his head. "Quite right, Temple. Quite right."  
  
He then leaned back in his chair, and turned toward Josh. "I say, old chap, how do you like this current update environment? I must say, I have three menus' worth of archive sites bookmarked, and can barely find a date that matches the current year."  
  
Josh nodded somberly. "Quite so, old sport. I find it sheer foolishness on the part of these writers." Frowning, he leaned back in his chair and raised one hand to point accusingly at the ceiling. "In my day, one posted something and kept at it! I guess these new pups don't have the craftsmanship of their elders." He chewed on the end of his pipe irritably.  
  
Black Dragon shrugged. "Oh, I don't know about all that. I believe you're mistaking endurance and determination for skill, chap! I would hardly say they lack craftsmanship. I say, you HAVE to give that Jason Wong credit; the man is a genius." BD sighed deeply in regret. "However, it's been roughly a year, and sadly enough, he might as well have given us a notice that he was done with it all. Would've been bloody decent of him..."  
  
Josh snorted, and took a puff of his pipe before pulling it out of his mouth. "Bah! Why should I applaud a man for disappearing into the night? I ask you, what good is one's skills if one never uses them?" He replaced the pipe in his mouth and leaned back comfortably, content that he had gotten his point across. "Although the opposite is just as bad. You should know what it's like to churn out a stream of mediocrity."  
  
BD raised his hands as if gesturing for peace. "Clearly the man has surrendered to greater priorities, but you must acknowledge the vivid craftsmanship of what work the lad has already created! Why, it is art in itself! To see the magic of creation is to-" Black Dragon stopped as Josh's last sentence sorted itself out in his mind. Then he directed a flat stare at his companion. "Mediocre. Very clever. Your wit is sharp as always, Temple. And that isn't necessarily a compliment."  
  
Josh rolled his eyes. "Magic of creation? The only magic I see is a disappearance of a drunkard when his tab comes due. Not only that, but he told the most AWFUL jokes." He took another deep puff from the pipe, and then smirked. "As for wit, I would rather retain what I have, instead of spiraling into an incoherent mishmash."  
  
"Which brings me to the rather unfortunate condition of your sense of humor," BD remarked drolly. Then he frowned. "Seriously though, you speak almost as if you know the man."  
  
Josh smiled slightly, "Well old friend, let's just say I've buried my share of... um..." Josh momentarily evaded eye contact as he searched for the right word,"...problems." Satisfied, he took his pipe out of his mouth and jabbed the handle at BD. "Besides humor is relative, you know.. Certain things I find amusing and certain other things, quite notably of questionable taste, you find amusing. Let's be gentlemen and leave it at that."  
  
"Buried?" Black Dragon repeated, staring. "Does this have anything to do with the 'incident' 4 months ago on the 2nd floor apartments? They're STILL trying to dig through all that cement to find all the bodies, you know. And I must say, all that drilling creates quite an unbearable racket."  
  
Josh leaned back and took an especially long drag on the pipe, exhaling the smoke luxuriously. "Oh, no, not at all. Besides, you understand how it is. You know how attached I get to my potato crisps. Those cub scouts deserved what they got. And besides that, I'm surprised you could hear anything, what with your ears in that condition. I did tell you that inflammable was a misleading word."  
  
BD frowned at that and scratched his head irritably, which caused an usual amount of hair to fall out and settle on the chair. "Indeed... quite misleading..." the frown grew into a scowl as his irritation began to build. "One would almost wonder why they bother to use the word, when they could just label it 'flammable', and-" he shook his head suddenly. "Nevermind. Getting back to amusement, you really do have the oddest taste. For one thing, I cannot IMAGINE your writing fetish for turning men into women and forcing then into obscenely short sentai-style miniskirts." Black Dragon reached behind his chair as he spoke, and pulled out a large bottle and a small glass. As he finished talking, he poured himself a glass of the liquid, and then held the bottle out to Josh. "Scotch?"  
  
"Yes, thank you." Josh took the bottle and poured himself a glass, and then set the bottle down on the floor. "Well, at least the burns cleared up nicely." Then he smiled and adopted a disgustedly pleased expression. "Ahh, yes, the miniskirts..." he took a sip of his scotch, then smiled across at BD. "Well, I happen to hate certain characters and find a need to punish them. Is that such a... how did you put it... 'fetish'?"  
  
BD sweatdropped. "For the sake of my readers, I think I'll forgo the obvious response to that question." He raised his glass to his lips, then lowered it again, frowning deeply. "I just remembered... I don't drink."  
  
"*Cough!*Weenie!*Cough!*"  
  
Glaring across at Josh, BD put his glass back down. "Really, I just wonder why you insist upon punishing those characters that are most likable."  
  
Josh grinned and emptied his own glass before replying. "It builds character, don't you know. Think of how much Ranma has learned from his curse in my stories."  
  
Black Dragon leaned over and rested his chin on his hands, looking thoughtful. "You mean, like how to overcome adversity and respect the quiet strength of the fairer sex?"  
  
Josh pulled an unmarked plastic jug from next to his own chair, and proceeded to refill his glass with it. "Why, no. Things like how to walk in heels and skirts, and how to do hair and makeup. Have to torment the poor lad, or lass, with what he fears most. Tis' the only way he'd learn." He finished pouring his drink, and once again removed his pipe to point it at his host. "I for one do find YOUR refusal to use the curse in any way most odd. What is the point if you remove that truly vital characteristic?"  
  
BD looked indignant. "In all fairness, I do not refuse the plot device entirely. May I point out that Ranma maintains his cursed status in two of my major works? Here, I'll show you." He then turned away, "I say! Inu-Yasha! Could we get some clips of Yagami 1/2 shown in here?"  
  
An annoyed voice came from far off-camera. "Buzz off! I'm on my break!"  
  
BD sighed. "Bloody lazy mutt... in any case, this very story is also of note, as it not only maintains Ranma's curse, but gives the same to the Moroboshi lad."  
  
Josh shook his head. "That's why I never use dogs as servants. No, just give me good, old fashioned secret underground organizations. Sure they're creepy, but there's plenty of fodder, and they can kill fairly well." He stuck his pipe back in his mouth and smiled fondly as he took a sip of his drink. "I remember that Ataru boy. Now there's someone who'd enjoy the curse a bit much. Good idea. The more curses the better. No if only you'd see it fit to put some fukus in the story."  
  
BD glared at him. "Dear chap, I fear that if you don't discontinue this line of discussion, I'll have to demonstrate just how efficiently this 'dog' kills. I can assure you, he does better than 'fairly well'. Isn't that right, IY?"  
  
"15 More minutes."  
  
BD grit his teeth and clenched his fist, looking as if he was ready to burst into a fit of anger. "Bloody, God-damned unions!!" For a moment, he unintentionally glanced into Josh's cup, and halted his tirade. "I say old chap, what is that you're drinking? It's dark blue."  
  
Josh looked curiously at the jug that the liquid came from. "You know, I can't quite remember. I seem to have found it in the park. I will tell you that it is most tasty." He quickly emptied the cup, and then refilled it with the jug. "You know, I've faced many a threat for my works." He stopped pouring his drink for a moment, pausing in thought. "Mostly from you, actually. I'm just saying some fanservice may help you out."  
  
BD rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Fanservice, hmmm?" Then he leaned forward. "So, I should somehow insert Rayden into this story, and have him bang several secondary characters?"  
  
Josh blinked. "The Catholic man? I'm not sure he would do that. Not proper for him."  
  
"Actually, I was thinking of the space pirate. It seems terribly unlikely that he'll get any, otherwise."  
  
Josh shrugged. "I can't really help you there; you know I can't abide Star Wars." He paused, and then frowned, looking critically at the other man. "You know, I'm not sure why I didn't notice before now, but... you have no pants."  
  
BD nodded slowly. While he was wearing a formal jacket, he actually was wearing only his boxers below the waist. "Fascinating."  
  
Josh nodded, raising his cup. "Indeed."  
  
Takahashi Soup  
  
by Black Dragon  
  
Well, it's chapter 2, and I have inexplicably managed to hold onto my resolve not to add new main characters. Technically. The old lady doesn't count as a new character.  
  
In lieu of an actual disclaimer, I'd like to make a note here. It seems to me that several of my readers have understandably neglected to look at the revision of Takahashi Soup. I advise that they do so, as it has a rather vital change applied to it. Namely, the removal of one of the main characters, and a replacement plot involving aliens. Just a heads up.  
  
I'd also like to give a heads up to Kwak Jun, who mailed me twice so far commenting on this story. I received your e-mail, but every response is sent back to me with some vague error message. I don't think I can reply to your address. Sorry.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Love, Hate, and Oreos  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
"But Nabiki! Kasumi! It's just not fair!" Akane pleaded, almost in tears with frustration. "Why should I have to marry him?"  
  
Nabiki shrugged as she watched TV, seemingly oblivious to Akane's distress. "I dunno. Because we were quick enough to get out of it, and you weren't quick enough to counter?"  
  
Kasumi's smile seemed a bit strained. Not because she was angry or upset with anyone, but more because she had had time for the full reality of the situation to grow on her conscience. "Now Akane, Ataru doesn't seem... THAT bad..."  
  
Nabiki held back a snicker. "Kasumi, PLEASE, don't even try. Before she loses whatever faith she still has in you."  
  
Kasumi kept going however, even as Akane fumed at her. "At least he seems very affectionate. And he does seem to really like you-"  
  
"-And your breasts, legs, and tight little butt," Nabiki teased, causing Akane to start twitching.  
  
"-and Ataru really does seem to want to make this relationship work," Kasumi finished, a sweatdrop on her head.  
  
"-So that he can finally get to the honeymoon," Nabiki added playfully.  
  
"Nabiki, you're not helping at all," Kasumi complained, "I'm trying to help Akane see the bright side of this."  
  
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "And thus it falls to me to help Akane see reality." She then reached across the dining room table and poked Akane, who had her head down while silently contemplating her misery.  
  
She raised her head at Nabiki's prodding. "Reality, huh?" She said in a dreary voice.  
  
Nabiki nodded sharply. "Right. These are the facts: Ataru is a despicable pervert and the personification of everything you hate about boys. There is no way, despite all the clueless optimism that Kasumi can dredge up, that you will 'warm up to him'. There is, likewise, no way that you'll convince Daddy of this and get the engagement officially dropped on your own."  
  
Akane took a long look at her sister, then lowered her head again and sighed. "So suicide really is the only answer, huh?"  
  
Nabiki and Kasumi blanched.  
  
"No! No! That's not what I'm saying!" Nabiki insisted. Calming down, she went on. "I was just getting to the other little fact that realistically, nobody can MAKE you go through with this."  
  
Akane blinked. "Go on..."  
  
"I mean, even if everyone on the planet says you're married, ultimately, if you don't want to act like a wife, then you don't act like a wife, right?"  
  
Akane nodded. "Go on..."  
  
"And certainly, nobody can force you to let this creep have his way with you."  
  
Akane nodded again. "Go on..."  
  
Finally, Nabiki shrugged. "So, if he touches you, just give 'em the old one-two. He'll either take the hint and back off, or you'll kill him. Either way, Daddy will HAVE to recognize that the engagement just isn't going to work out."  
  
Akane looked fascinated. "Go on..."  
  
Nabiki blinked. "Uh... that's it. There's nothing more to it than that."  
  
Akane nodded again while scratching her chin. "Go on..."  
  
"Akane, are you all right? You seem a bit dazed," Kasumi asked worriedly.  
  
Akane shook her head a bit to snap herself out of it. "Sorry. I guess I'm just a bit tired. I should get some sleep." She smiled at Nabiki. "Thanks Nabiki! Good night!" Giving a short wave to her sisters, she walked out of the room and began to ascend the stairs.  
  
"Wait a minute," Akane said to herself, stopping. "...... Did Nabiki just get herself off the hook for trapping me with that guy by telling me to stop complaining and deal with it?"  
  
She frowned and glanced back down the stairs. Then she shook her head.  
  
"Oh, the heck with it. I just want some sleep."  
  
The young woman trudged up to her room and slammed the door shut behind her.  
  
Once on the other side of the doorway, she yawned mightily and stretched, preparing herself for a night of rest after a day of panic and misery.  
  
*Shoooo* *Wham!*  
  
"Gyah!" Akane jumped forward as a huge steel wall slid down from nowhere and hit the floor behind her.  
  
Spinning around in panic, she found that that entire side of the room was completely cut off.  
  
*Shoooo* *Wham!*  
  
"Gyaeee!" Jumping up in surprise again, Akane turned to see that another wall had slid down over the wall that faced outside, and more importantly, possessed a window.  
  
"Heh heh heh... surprised, my dear fiancee?"  
  
Akane squeaked in fright as she heard the voice in her room, and slowly backed herself into the steel barrier that kept her from the hall door.  
  
Suddenly, but not quite unexpectedly, Ataru burst from her closet, breaking the door down and throwing a number of dresses and blouses all over the room.  
  
"Surprise!" Ataru yelled maliciously, chuckling with an insane edge.  
  
"A... Ataru..." Akane mumbled quietly. Then a vein appeared on her head, and she pointed angrily to the large steel barricades covering any possible escape route. "What the hell are these?!"  
  
Ataru stopped chuckling and blinked. He turned to look at the large plate of steel covering the window. Then he turned back to look at Akane. "So, is this a trick question, or what?"  
  
Akane grit her teeth as her battle aura began to build. "How did they get here, and what are they for?"  
  
Ataru grinned and crossed his arms over his chest. "Why, I put them in, of course."  
  
Akane's battle aura winked out. "Wait... you installed retractable blast doors in my room while I was downstairs talking to my sisters?"  
  
Ataru nodded. "Plus a trap door in front of the bathroom toilet." He scratched his chin thoughtfully as he looked up at the ceiling. "Come to think of it, I'm not really sure why I did that. I mean, I nearly killed myself trying to saw through the plumbing like that... bored, I guess."  
  
He stopped suddenly and coughed into his fist before leering openly at Akane. "As for what they're for, they're to keep out any..." Ataru idly twirled a finger around in the air as he fished about for the right word, "unwanted interruptions." His grin became wider and decidedly more malevolent. "And conveniently, they also serve to trap you in here with me while I have my way with you!"  
  
Akane paled considerably, and began to tremble as she backed into the steel wall. There was no way out!  
  
"N-No... no... NO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Akane screamed, jerking herself upright and throwing her sheets, which now almost perfectly matched her face, over the edge of her bed.  
  
Her pajamas clung to a sheen of sweat that had developed over her entire body, but she felt as if someone had just dumped a wheelbarrow of snow on her.  
  
'Oh, thank God... it was just a nightmare...'  
  
Ataru blinked. "Oh. It looks like you're already awake."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
*KAPOW!!* *CRASH!!!*  
  
Kasumi stumbled as the entire house shook violently, and gasped as her tea tray pitched forward along with her, threatening to spill the exquisitely prepared refreshment all over the floor.  
  
*Chingk* The tray went flat, shaking the tea cups slightly as equilibrium was unexpectedly restored. Likewise, Kasumi quickly regained her balance as a strong hand took hers and held her up.  
  
Ranma sighed, holding Kasumi up with one hand and the tea tray with the other. "I TOLD you that asking Ataru to get Akane up would be a bad idea."  
  
Nabiki got up and stepped into the backyard, craning her neck to look up. "Wow. Good altitude." Ataru was apparently too high for her to make out, but in blasting through the ceiling, attic, and then the roof itself, he had managed to build up a considerable dust trail that marked his path into the stratosphere.  
  
After making sure Kasumi wasn't going to fall, Ranma placed the tray of tea on the table and sat down. "Well, at least she can take care of herself. That makes my job easier."  
  
Nabiki smirked. "What, are you always keeping track of your brother and keeping him out of trouble?"  
  
"You laugh," Ranma muttered, "but if I don't, who will?"  
  
Nabiki shrugged, still smirking. "Ever think it might be more trouble than it's worth?"  
  
Ranma snorted. " I KNOW it's more trouble than it's worth." Then he sighed. "But I can't just stand by and do nothing. He's my brother, you know?"  
  
Nabiki nodded as if she sympathized, but the fact that she was still smirking ruined the effect. "Ah, yes, I understand. No matter how often, painful, or stupid, you'll always be by your brother's side." She clasped her hands over her chest and sighed melodramatically. "Ah, brotherly love! How moronic!"  
  
Ranma stared at her expressionlessly. "I'll bet you just have a ball Friday nights, spending all evening alone with that great personality of yours." He turned away and took a sip of tea.  
  
Nabiki blinked rapidly, and then her eyes narrowed. "Clever."  
  
"Well, you did make it awfully easy for me," he said casually, not even looking back at her.  
  
As Nabiki fumed, Kasumi put down her own tea from where she was sitting across from Ranma. "Well, I think it's sweet that Ranma cares about his brother like that."  
  
Despite her smile, Ranma couldn't help but groan. "PLEASE don't describe it as 'sweet'..." He gulped down the rest of his tea, and then let out a deep breath as he put the cup down. "Incoming."  
  
"Huh?" Nabiki mumbled, "What are you-"  
  
*WHAM!!* A huge blast of dirt erupted into the sky from the back yard, and the house shook slightly once again at the high-speed impact.  
  
"Wow, this tea is really good. Can I have some more?" Ranma asked Kasumi, smiling.  
  
Kasumi sweatdropped as she nodded and poured Ranma some more tea, a bit shaken.  
  
Ranma turned toward the back yard. "Hey Ataru, you okay?"  
  
"Eh, I'll be fine," Ataru muttered, pushing himself up off the ground a bit uneasily. "She didn't have to hit me," he muttered, "I didn't even touch her or nothin'..."  
  
"The boy has a remarkable constitution, Saotome," Soun said appraisingly, rubbing his chin.  
  
Genma nodded sagely from where he sat across from Soun. They had already finished breakfast, and were watching everything from the back porch. "Indeed, Tendo, indeed. Conditioned by years of being beaten to a pulp in training and suffering romantic rejections too numerous to count, Ataru has become nigh invincible, physically and emotionally." Genma smirked and turned toward his old friend. "He'll make a perfect husband for Akane!"  
  
"Because he's a stable bulwark that can withstand all the possible challenges of such a relationship and take care of my daughter?" Soun asked.  
  
Genma blinked. "Well... actually... I was going for 'spineless punching bag that will endure any trial for a chance to score', but I suppose your definition works too, Tendo."  
  
Soun sweatdropped. "Your impression of your son doesn't exactly inspire much confidence within me, Saotome. How about Ranma? I really think it would be best if he were to marry one of the girls as well."  
  
Genma nodded slowly. "Yes, I realize that. However, getting Ranma to do anything like that is a bit... complicated."  
  
Soun raised an eyebrow. "Complicated how?"  
  
"Oh, mostly a few legal issues here and there that need to be taken care of," Genma said uncomfortably. His explanation only further confused Soun, however. "You know, little things like finishing my will and making some other 'final arrangements', filing for some good health insurance... And then I'll have to make sure I'm surrounded by witnesses at all times for the next few weeks."  
  
Soun sweatdropped. "Saotome?"  
  
"Nothing permanent, just until the boy cools down. You know how it is, Tendo. Teenagers today can be very irritable when their parents try to interfere with their lives like that."  
  
Soun stared at his friend with an eyebrow raised. This didn't sound much like him at all. Ranma had supposedly spent pretty much all his life with Genma, and been through the very strictest training regimen since they had managed to seal up Master Happousai. How could the boy be so independent, and how could Saotome stand for it?  
  
"Now, Saotome, I don't mean to try and tell you how to raise your boys, but I really think it's time you put your foot down!" Soun suggested gruffly, his arms crossed. "Why, if you really think that Ranma will throw such a tantrum because of something so silly as being forced to marry against his will, I'll be more than happy to back you up, old friend."  
  
Genma chuckled nervously. "Thanks Tendo, but it's not really the engagement that I think will upset him."  
  
Soun blinked. "Then what's the problem?"  
  
Genma sighed. "Well, in truth, I've already made some plans to help Ranma into the engagement... I just wish I had been completely sober while I was making them..."  
  
"Saotome?"  
  
"You'll see, Tendo, you'll see." Genma adjusted his belt and sighed heavily, dreading the task that awaited him.  
  
"So, you claim that she hit you and you DIDN'T deserve it?" Ranma asked, raising an eyebrow. "That's a first."  
  
"I KNOW!" Ataru yelled, stretching his neck to one side, and then the other to work out the kinks. "That really hurt, too! I got pulverized before I even got a chance to touch her!" Ataru complained.  
  
"Pre-emptive strike," Nabiki muttered, "Akane's either getting smarter or just more paranoid."  
  
"You only THINK there's a difference," Ranma said to her, before turning back to Ataru. "Well, maybe you can cop a feel later and then run away to compensate."  
  
"Really?" Ataru asked hopefully. "You won't trip me on my getaway?"  
  
Ranma frowned, but scratched his chin in thought. "Well... she did hit you awfully hard... and I can't say I like her very much..."  
  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow as she took a sip of tea. "So, wait, you actually use logical reasoning to weigh emotional factors against your conscience when making a purely ethical decision?"  
  
"Not entirely," Ranma responded, "there's also apathy to consider."  
  
Ataru nodded seriously. "To say nothing of any potential personal gain that may be involved."  
  
Nabiki blinked. "Well... I'm impressed."  
  
"Aha! There you are!"  
  
Everybody in the room turned toward the stairs to see Akane stalking toward them, her Glare of Death focused on Ataru at full power.  
  
Ataru sweatdropped. "Well, I can change that quickly enough... uh... are you angry at me for some reason?"  
  
She grit her teeth. "Gee, YOU THINK?! What do you think you're doing, sneaking into my room like that?!"  
  
"Oh... Akane, I actually sent Ataru up there to wake you up. You were running late," Kasumi explained helpfully.  
  
Akane's glare died, and she blinked rapidly in confusion. "You... wha?"  
  
Ranma sighed and stood up, clapping a hand onto Akane's shoulder. "Akane-"  
  
"Don't touch me."  
  
"Okay!" Ranma acquiesced, jerking his hand away, "Akane, seeing how Ataru is, unfortunately, my brother and all, and as your future brother-in-law, I'm going to have to insist that you actually wait until he actually deserves it before you hit him."  
  
Akane's eyes narrowed at him.  
  
"I mean, you'll get plenty of opportunities; there's no reason to waste all this energy when he technically hasn't done anything wrong yet."  
  
"Thanks a million, bro," Ataru deadpanned.  
  
"So, who gets to judge what deserves a beating?" Akane asked Ranma, glaring at him.  
  
Ranma blinked. "Uh... well, I suppose it'll be pretty obvious..."  
  
"So, I can decide on my own." Akane concluded.  
  
For some reason, Ranma had a really bad feeling about where this was heading. "Uhhh..."  
  
*Slam!!* Ataru winced as his brother had his head smashed into the stairs, and sweatdropped heavily. "So, um... did you sleep well?" He tried, desperately searching for a topic of conversation that wouldn't lead to him getting floored.  
  
"No," she growled out, remembering her last dream with a clarity that made her skin crawl.  
  
"Ah," Ataru mumbled, chewing on his lower lip. "Well, we had a pretty big evening yesterday, didn't we?"  
  
"Stop talking," Akane commanded.  
  
As Ataru considered the possible advantages of refusing her against the certainty of being creamed, Ranma had finished spitting out splinters from forcing his head out of the stairway.  
  
"Hey! What the hell was that for?!" Ranma growled threateningly.  
  
Akane began eating her breakfast, pointedly not looking at Ranma. "You deserved it."  
  
"For WHAT?!" Ranma challenged.  
  
"I don't have an answer to that," Akane admitted between bites, still not looking at Ranma. "If I start caring, I'll let you know."  
  
Ranma's eye twitched, and his fists clenched and unclenched. "Why you little..."  
  
*Splash*  
  
Ranma blinked as water rolled down her bright red hair, and she turned an exasperated stare toward her father, who was holding an upturned, empty glass over her head.  
  
"What'd ya do that for?" Ranma muttered in a calm, bored tone.  
  
Ataru snickered slightly as he ate his breakfast. "Ooh boy, somebody's asking for it."  
  
Genma swallowed deeply, trying to keep all signs of nervousness and abject fear from his voice and expression. He did quite an admirable job, considering how much he dreaded having to go through with this. The plan HAD fallen together way too conveniently when he thought of it.  
  
"Ranma, you and Ataru are starting school today."  
  
"Pft!" Ataru spit out his tea and coughed a few times before slamming his teacup down. "School?! You've gotta be kidding me! We just got here!"  
  
Genma nodded firmly. "You'll be going to Furinkan High along with Akane and Nabiki, boy. I've already submitted the paperwork for both of you, and there's a pack for each of you next to the door."  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Fine. Whatever." She turned to face her father fully, and put her hands on her hips. "However, that doesn't explain why you just turned me into a girl. There are less painful ways to get my attention."  
  
"Huh? Painful? Does changing hurt?" Akane asked curiously.  
  
Ataru cleared his throat. "He didn't mean painful for himself," he whispered to her.  
  
A few droplets of sweat appeared on Genma's brow, even as he reinforced his "expression of ultimate parental authority". "Ranma, you'll be attending Furinkan as a female."  
  
*Clop* *Sploosh* Ataru's tea splashed over the dining room table as the cup slipped from his hand.  
  
Everyone in the dining room, plus Soun, who was still outside, turned their heads to stare at Genma, confused and bewildered expressions on their faces.  
  
Ranma frowned, then stuck her pinky in her ear and twisted it back and forth. After a few seconds of this, she frowned deeper. "That's weird. There's nothing in my ear. But I must have heard you wrong, because I just heard you tell me that I'm supposed to attend school like this. And even YOU would never say something so stupid, because I'd never go along with it, and I'd likely hurt you severely for trying to make me."  
  
Genma swallowed deeply. "Boy, I know that it'll be hard for you, but it's for the best. Cold water is a lot more common than hot water, so-"  
  
"-So you expect me to believe that you care, and go along with this moronic idea of yours? Mi'right?" Ranma said irritably, hands on her hips.  
  
More sweat appeared on Genma's brow. "I just thought it'd save you a lot of trouble-"  
  
"-By making me go as a girl?" Ranma interrupted again, lowering her head. She formed a fist with one hand, and began to massage that wrist with her other hand. "So, you made an idiotic decision that would make me go through the rest of the school year as a girl, to save me the trouble and embarrassment of having to explain my curse." She raised her head again, and glared hard at her father. "Guess which one I'd prefer?"  
  
"Ranma, I-"  
  
"-Not that I really care or nothin'," Ranma began, glancing toward her brother, "but does Ataru have to go through with this too?"  
  
Ataru's head jerked up. "That is an excellent question!"  
  
"N-No," Genma stuttered, "b-because he might t-take advantage of the si-situation."  
  
Ataru blinked. "Hey... I hadn't considered that." He started to rub his chin. 'Legitimate, pain-free access to the girl's bathrooms... the locker rooms... the showers...' he started chuckling slightly as he grinned to himself. Then he rethought that last point. 'Well, maybe not the showers.'  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Whatever. Like I said, I don't really care. I 'aint going through with this. Period."  
  
Genma crossed his arms over his chest, presumably to look more authoritative, but likely to stop himself from flinching. "You don't have a choice, boy. I've already submitted the forms. As far as Furinkan is concerned, Ranma Saotome is, and always has been, a girl."  
  
*Thock!* Genma doubled over as Ranma punched him in the gut.  
  
"Right," Ranma deadpanned, grabbing the front of Genma's gi. "Well, we'll see about that." Then she hoisted the man's considerable bulk over her shoulder and began to walk into the guest room.  
  
She stopped a moment to glance at her brother and the Tendos. "I'll clear this up. Be back in a bit."  
  
*Slam* As the door to the guest room closed, the Tendo family sweatdropped heavily.  
  
Ataru shook his head and returned to his food. "And THAT is THAT."  
  
"Oh my," Kasumi began, raising a hand to her face, "I hope Ranma is able to work things out with his father. It does seem unfair to have to go to school as the wrong gender."  
  
Ataru grinned. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about it."  
  
*WHAM!!* Kasumi stumbled for the second time that day as the foundation of the house shook violently, and Ataru immediately jumped up and grabbed her around the waist.  
  
"Kasumi! Are you all right?!" Ataru yelled, very much appreciating his current view as Kasumi leaned forward onto him. 'Man, she's pretty stacked!'  
  
Ataru grinned happily as Kasumi flushed and began stuttering, but then frowned as the room seemed to become unreasonably warm.  
  
'PLEASE let that be the hot passion of a young couple in the short prelude to sensual union!' Ataru prayed to himself as Kasumi right herself and backed away. He then turned around to see that Soun and Akane were both bearing down on him, battle auras blazing; Soun's head had manifested into a huge demonic entity that stared down at him with a gaze promising pain and death, while Akane accomplished the same exact effect without the demon head by brandishing a large wooden mallet.  
  
'Darn.'  
  
"How DARE you touch Kasumi, you filthy little sicko?!" Akane seethed, holding the mallet handle with such a grip that it threatened to break in her hands.  
  
"YOU WILL PAY FOR DEFILING MY LITTLE GIRL!!!" The demon-head screeched.  
  
Kasumi sweatdropped as she stepped away from Ataru. That had been very immature of him, but still... "Father, Akane, don't you think you're overreacting?"  
  
"Probably," Nabiki piped in between mouthfuls, "but it's still pretty hard to feel sorry for him."  
  
Akane and Soun apparently sympathized with Nabiki's point of view, as they continued to converge on Ataru, who had frozen like a deer in the lights of an oncoming car.  
  
Ataru quickly unfroze as his finely-honed survival instincts kicked in. He immediately adopted a panicked expression and pointed fearfully behind Akane and Soun. "LOOK!!! I'TS AN ALIEN SPACECRAFT!!!"  
  
Akane and Soun stopped advancing, and looked down at him with "how stupid do you think we are" expressions.  
  
"What kind of a pathetic trick are you trying to pull?" Akane said, resting her oversized hammer over her shoulder.  
  
Ataru held his index finger up, as if addressing a point. "That wasn't actually so much a 'trick', as it was a 'pathetic bid for time'."  
  
Akane raised an eyebrow. "Time for wha-"  
  
*SLAM!!* *CRASH!!* *KAPOW!!*  
  
Akane and Soun wobbled unsteadily as the house shook some more, taking them by surprise.  
  
"W-Wait! Ranma! We can talk this out like adults!" came a panicked shout from another part of the house.  
  
*WHAMMO!!* "I'm not an adult, I'm a teenager!" *SMASH!!*  
  
Akane covered her head as a short rain of plaster fell from ceiling, and then grimaced as the final tremor caused the entire house to groan in protest of the abuse.  
  
Then she remembered that she was in the middle of dishing out divine punishment, and turned her attention back toward Ataru.  
  
Or, at least, the space that Ataru had occupied a split second ago.  
  
"What the... how did... where'd he go?" Akane mumbled, searching around the room, and remembering to check the ceiling. Next to her, Soun's gigantic head followed her gaze, similarly confused.  
  
"Wow, he IS good," Nabiki admitted, standing up, "I couldn't have done more than blink, and he was gone."  
  
Akane growled. How could such a weenie have so much dexterity and skill? It just wasn't fair!  
  
Nabiki gathered up her book bag, and walked toward the door. "Well, I'm going to school. See you guys later!"  
  
"GOODBYE NABIKI, HAVE A GOOD DAY!" Soun's demon head roared.  
  
"Father," Kasumi chided, "please, calm down." Soun flushed in embarrassment, and his aura promptly deflated.  
  
"Nabiki, wait!" Akane called out, "let me come with you!"  
  
"No can do!" Nabiki refused, wagging a finger at her, "the dysfunctional duo need somebody to lead them to school, and since you're the fiancee..." she gave a little wave, then jogged off through the front door.  
  
"I don't think I like her," Ranma muttered as she re-entered the dining room. She had caught that "dysfunctional duo" comment. Not that she would deny that it was true, but it was still a rude thing to say.  
  
"Oh, Ranma, did everything work out okay with your father?" Kasumi asked, a worried expression on her face.  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Well, I wouldn't say that, but I definitely won't be going to school as a girl, so I'm happy." She lifted up the tea pot, and then frowned when she realized there was nothing left.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go heat up some more water," Kasumi took the kettle and then headed to the kitchen. "Our hot water heater has acting up as of late; we try not to use it other than for baths. I'll just be a few minutes."  
  
"It's all right, Kasumi," Akane protested, hefting her mallet in one hand and her bag in the other. "We don't have time right now. We can just stop at Dr. Tofu's on the way to school." She turned toward Ranma, "But FIRST, you help me find your brother."  
  
Ranma stared at her, then looked at the mallet she was holding tight in her hands. "Your body language is telling me that you want to hurt somebody. Did Ataru actually do something this time?"  
  
Akane glared at her. She contemplated putting the mallet to use then and there, but figured that if she knocked Ranma out, then Ataru would likely get away, plus she'd be late. "YES, he did something! That pig felt up Kasumi!"  
  
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Well, we certainly can't let him get away with that, can we?"  
  
Turning, Ranma raised her leg in the air, and then slammed it down on the dining room table, causing the short legs to shatter instantly under the force, and bringing the table top down hard onto the floor.  
  
The remaining Tendos all jerked back in surprise, and all sweatdropped as Ranma lifted one corner of the table up.  
  
"Owwwwwww..."  
  
Ranma rolled her eyes. "C'mon man, we've gotta go. I don't have time for you to play your stupid games."  
  
"Table... heavy...... bones... crushed...... need... Tylenol..."  
  
Ranma grabbed the back of Ataru's shirt and hefted him up. "Well, we're stopping by a doctor's office on the way to school, so maybe we can help you out." Ranma dragged Ataru to the front, then stopped by where their bags had been placed. "Are you going to take your own pack, or am I going to have to carry it for you?"  
  
"The light... so bright... so warm..."  
  
Ranma rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah... lazy jerk." Taking up both packs in her other hand, Ranma dragged Ataru out the front door. "Hey Akane, you coming? I don't know where this 'Furinkan' place is!"  
  
Akane squeezed her eyes shut tight, and emitted the most miserable sigh that Soun had ever heard.  
  
"Right... right.... coming."  
  
As Akane left, Soun turned back to his tea in contemplation.  
  
"Well, I must say, Ranma seems a bit... tense... but you have to admire his attitude."  
  
Kasumi smiled and nodded. "I know, father. He seems like a very nice boy." She turned away, and began walking toward the guest room. "I should check on Mr. Saotome."  
  
Soun nodded absently, and took a long sip of tea. "Hmmmmm..." he frowned, looking down into his tea, which had by now cooled significantly.  
  
"Oh my!" Kasumi's voice came from the hallway, attracting Soun's attention. "Mr. Saotome, you shouldn't try to set your arm by yourself like that! Here, let me help, and then we can see about a splint for that leg."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"That really hurt, you know!" Ataru whined, rubbing the lump on his head while glaring at Ranma, who walked easily atop the fence alongside the sidewalk. He himself was walking next to Ranma on the sidewalk, while Akane followed behind him (she didn't dare let him out of her field of vision).  
  
Akane, for her part, was stunned. "'Really hurt'? Forty seconds ago your eyes were glazed over like you were gonna die!"  
  
"Like you'd get out of this engagement that easily," Ranma said, snickering slightly, then she turned around to face Akane while walking backwards. "Ataru may be a real sad excuse for a martial artist, but he can take a beating like you'd never believe."  
  
Ataru continued glaring at her. "Yeah, and who's always doing the beating, anyway?"  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Well, usually it's a throng of girls."  
  
Ataru sweatdropped. "I meant besides them."  
  
"Well, there's the girls' fathers, brothers, and boyfriends."  
  
"Er... besides them too."  
  
"Mothers?"  
  
"Oh come on! There was only that one... uh, two-wait-four times that I've been beaten up by an old lady!"  
  
Ranma smirked and held up a hand with all her fingers spread out. "Five times. Remember the fun house incident?"  
  
A second sweatdrop joined the first on Ataru's brow. "That doesn't count! I didn't deserve that one!"  
  
Ranma snorted. "Yeah, right. I suppose that fire just started itself. Just like the other eight dozen."  
  
"You can't prove anything!" Ataru challenged, pointing a finger at his brother-turned-sister.  
  
Akane, meanwhile, was massaging her head. "Oh please, God, no... what have I done to deserve this?"  
  
"Maybe you killed someone in a previous life," Ranma ventured. Then she stopped and rubbed her chin. "Actually, considering your temper... have you killed anyone in this life?"  
  
Akane whipped her head up to deliver a scathing reply to Ranma, but froze up when she found Ataru's face just centimeters from hers.  
  
"Oh Akane, come now, we're just having one of those mandatory family arguments!" Smoothly, but none too subtly, he snaked an arm behind Akane. "You know, we're going to be family soon, so-"  
  
*Th-whack!!*  
  
Ranma cartwheeled her arms as Ataru smashed into the fence, and barely managed to recover her balance in time. "Geez! Would you watch where you're hittin' him? I didn't do nothing!"  
  
"Oh, shut up!" Akane shouted, facing the busty redhead and her brother, who was trying to pry his head out of the chainlink fence. "All right you two! Before we get to Furinkan, let me get one thing perfectly clear: THE THREE OF US ARE STRANGERS, ALL RIGHT?!"  
  
Ranma blinked. "You mean I have to pretend I don't know Ataru?"  
  
Akane blinked, then slapped her face in exasperation. "NO. I meant you two don't know ME."  
  
"Ah," Ranma mumbled, chewing on her lower lip in thought. "Well, I was just asking, 'cause it sounded like a pretty cool deal before."  
  
Ataru would've replied, but was still trying to tug his head free from the fence.  
  
Akane groaned. "Well, fine! I don't care what you two do! But as long as we're at school, I don't know you two, and you don't know me!"  
  
Ranma rubbed her chin. "But... well... we LIVE together. I mean, I guess I can see where you're coming from, since we don't really KNOW each other, but-"  
  
"That's not the point!" Akane shouted, "I don't want to be associated with you two! No matter what happens, pretend like you've never seen me before!"  
  
Ranma seemed to go into deep thought, mulling this over. Ataru, meanwhile, gave a final, mighty tug, finally managing to wrench his head from its steel prison.  
  
He immediately turned toward Akane, a genuinely hurt expression on his face. "But Akane, I'm your fiance!"  
  
"THAT'S what I don't want anybody to know!" Akane growled. "While we're at school, you're not to speak to me, speak ABOUT me, or even get within a twenty-meter radius of me! Understood?!"  
  
"But what if some creep tries to hit on you?" Ataru reasoned, "how can I come to your aid and provide a legitimate excuse to protect you from him if I can't even come near you?"  
  
Akane couldn't keep from laughing. "Ha! As if you could put a stop to it! And besides, they don't get any creepier than you!"  
  
"Hey, I take some offense to that," Ataru mumbled half-heartedly.  
  
Akane wasn't finished though, and poked Ataru in the chest with her finger as she glared down at him. "And while we're on the subject, I don't CARE what anybody says, you and I are NOT. GETTING. MARRIED."  
  
Ataru blinked. "So...... we get to make out, but we can still see other people?"  
  
Akane's face turned absolutely red from a critical combination of righteous anger with a dash of embarrassment. "WE ARE NEVER-"  
  
"Hey, how about this," Ranma interrupted, looking thoughtful, "let's say that one of your friends introduces us to you. After that, can we act like we know who you are, or do we have to pretend that we hit our head or something and forgot?"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Akane screamed, before turning toward Furinkan and running with all her might, screaming the whole time like a madwoman.  
  
Ranma blink-blinked. "What?? It was a fair question!"  
  
Ataru smiled slightly and shook his head. "Ranma, Ranma, Ranma. Even as a woman, you still don't know a thing about them."  
  
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And you do?"  
  
Ataru grinned. "Of course! The answer was obviously the amnesia one! Clearly your ignorance scared her away!"  
  
Ranma rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Shut up and follow her."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Akane panted heavily as she came upon the entrance to Dr. Tofu's clinic, her steps becoming leaden as weariness overcame her. It wasn't really that long a run, but she had been ill prepared to take off like that, and had used up a lot of breath screaming.  
  
"I'm... almost... there..." Akane mumbled between breaths, holding her chest.  
  
After a moment, she stretched a little bit, and then leaned against the sign post outside Tofu's office as she regulated her breathing.  
  
"They're probably lost now... ha! Serves 'em right," Akane muttered to herself. "If I don't have to deal with them at all, that just makes everything easier."  
  
"Were you talking about us?" Ranma asked.  
  
"GAH!!" Akane yelled, jumping away and falling on her rear.  
  
Ranma and Ataru simply watched her sputter and stumble, standing calmly next to the clinic.  
  
"H-How d-did you find your way here?" Akane asked, shaking considerably as she hugged her bag to her chest.  
  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Uh... we followed you. I mean, no offense or anything, but you're really not all that fast."  
  
Ataru rolled his eyes. "Says the guy who claimed he could lap that Olympic gold runner."  
  
"Hey!" Ranma yelled, turning toward him, "I was real close and you know it! He had a head start, and you tripped me near the end!"  
  
Ataru sweatdropped. "That was actually the opposite of my point, even if you just proved it."  
  
Meanwhile, Akane had clasped her hands together while she was sitting on the ground, and was even now begging for mercy.  
  
"Oh PLEASE, if there's a merciful God, let this just be a bad dream or something..."  
  
Ranma frowned. "Do you have time to be praying like that? If we don't get my hot water and get going, we're going to be late for school. You should have prayed before we left."  
  
Akane chose to respond by covering her ears with her hands and chanting "Shut up" over and over again, like a mantra.  
  
"Well hello, what have we here?"  
  
Ranma, Ataru, and Akane all turned toward the voice, the last of the three with shining, hopeful eyes.  
  
A man with short brown hair made into a small ponytail and wearing a pair of wire-frame glasses approached the small group, holding a skeleton model with one hand.  
  
"Hello Akane. Who are your friends?" Dr. Tofu asked, smiling pleasantly at the young man and the redhead pleasantly as he waited to be introduced.  
  
Quite to his surprise, Akane leapt at him and grabbed onto his waist, smothering her face in his chest. "Oh Doctor Tofu! Please help me! Get me away from these lunatics!"  
  
Tofu blinked rapidly, unsure of what to make of Akane's reaction. "Akane, wait! What's wro-"  
  
Before he could finish, Ataru had clasped his hand that wasn't occupied with the skeleton between his own. "Can you help her, Doc? The girl's gone mad, I tell you! Mad! You must help her!"  
  
Akane immediately let go of Tofu and smacked Ataru upside the head. *Thwap!* "If you don't shut up, YOU'LL be the one who needs medical attention!"  
  
Ataru winced. "Never mind... I think she's back to normal now."  
  
As Dr. Tofu stared at the spectacle before him, he felt a slight tugging on his shirt, and turned away.  
  
Ranma bowed politely to the man as soon as she had his attention. Then she jabbed a thumb at Akane and Ataru, the former of which was choking the latter. "Don't listen to them. We're actually here to get some hot water for me."  
  
Tofu blinked. "Oh. Hot water? Not a problem, young lady."  
  
The doctor turned away to retrieve the water, but stopped when he felt Ranma tugging at his shirt again, and turned back around. "Something wrong?"  
  
Ranma coughed lightly into her hand. "Please call me Ranma, not young lady."  
  
Tofu hardly thought that an unreasonable request, and nodded. "All right."  
  
Ranma continued. "That was your free complimentary warning. I'm afraid the next one will cost you an arm and a leg. Literally." She hadn't said it with any malice or anger, but somehow Tofu got the feeling she was being serious.  
  
He blinked, unsure of how to respond to that.  
  
As it so happened, he didn't have to, since Akane unexpectedly grabbed his arm and yanked him behind her into his clinic.  
  
"Come on Doctor Tofu! We have to get Ranma's hot water! There's no time to lose!" She continued dragging Tofu into his office until the door slammed shut behind her, babbling desperately the whole time.  
  
Outside the clinic, Ranma scratched her head, then smirked and turned toward her brother.  
  
"I think she likes him."  
  
"What?!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Akane, are you feeling okay?" Tofu asked slowly, watching as the youngest Tendo daughter leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. Usually Akane was almost disturbingly nice and proper around him, but today she seemed exceedingly stressed. "Whatever it is Akane, you can always talk to me."  
  
Akane looked longingly at the good doctor, gazing deeply into his concerned, caring eyes. "It's... it's those two out front! They..." Akane struggled to calm herself as all of her recent frustrations tried to pour out at once.  
  
Tofu saw her searching for a way to describe it, and gently laid a hand on her shoulder. "It's all right, Akane. Take your time. I'm here to help."  
  
Akane sighed and smiled up at Doctor Tofu, eternally glad that there was at least ONE decent male in Nerima. "Well... you see, those two out front... they're our houseguests. My dad knew their dad from when they were training a long time ago, and it turns out that they actually agreed to have us marry to unite the schools," Akane's tone grew intensely disgusted around "marry". "One is a psychotic idiot, and the other one is an unforgivable pervert."  
  
Tofu nodded silently, matching the descriptions to the two siblings. He assumed that Ranma was the "psychotic idiot", given how she had threatened him like that, which made the other one the "pervert", though he hadn't been doing anything lecherous at the time.  
  
"It just isn't fair!" Akane groused, "before last night, I was perfectly happy! Now my own family is trying to get me married to that sick creep!"  
  
Tofu nodded sympathetic and squeezed Akane's shoulder. "Well, it does seem awfully early for you to get married. You're still children, after all." He removed his hand and then stared seriously at Akane. "Akane, if this gets out of hand, then I want you to know that you can always come talk to me, and if things really start to get bad, you can even stay here for a little while until things blow over or we get a chance to work things out." Akane looked like she was ready to jump at his invitation right then and there, so Tofu raised a palm to forestall her response. "But first, I want you to try and find a creative way to deal with this, okay? I care about you, but I don't want to become so deeply involved if it can be avoided, and you really need to learn to deal with these kinds of problems on your own."  
  
Akane lowered her head and sighed. "Okay... I guess you're right..."  
  
Dr. Tofu smiled at her. "There now, I'm sure it'll be okay. Besides, from what I hear, you can take care of yourself if he gets a little pushy. Now how about that hot water?"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Akane couldn't help moping as she opened the front door of Tofu's clinic, pondering over what Dr. Tofu had said.  
  
'Deal with it on my own? Why should I? I didn't get myself into this mess, it's all Dad's fault! Why should I have to suffer for his stupid mistakes?!'  
  
Her hand clenched tighter around the handle of the kettle she was carrying as her rage increased.  
  
'Even Dr. Tofu simply cast me aside and told me that I was on my own! How could he?! I thought he was different!!'  
  
Stepping outside, Akane grabbed the hot kettle up between her two hands, and snarled fiercely as she prepared to crush the metal container out of sheer misguided fury.  
  
"Ataru, where the hell did you get that gasoline?!"  
  
Akane blinked, and the beginning of what would have surely been a great tirade of pointless destruction fizzled out.  
  
"I found it in the little shed over there. Now stand back."  
  
"NO!! Give me that match, you idiot! No, Ataru! I am NOT going to let you set fire to a doctor's office!"  
  
Akane turned to stare incredulously at the two siblings. Ranma was currently planting her foot in Ataru's face, while simultaneously holding a single match far out of the young lecher's reach.  
  
"Oh, like you would handle this any differently if it were YOUR fiancee!" Ataru challenged, pulling away from Ranma.  
  
"I WOULD handle it differently, you nimrod!" Ranma growled. "No fire, and that's final!"  
  
Akane's left eye twitched, and she immediately contemplated re-entering the clinic and begging Dr. Tofu for sanctuary. If he still didn't want to right away, she could always offer him something in return. Like some free help around the office, or her life's savings, or her body, or-  
  
It was about this time that a desperate message of pain finally broke the barrier into Akane's brain, informing her that she had been holding onto Ranma's steaming hot kettle for far longer than was strictly healthy.  
  
"YAAAAAH!!" She shouted, throwing the container in the air.  
  
Ranma and Ataru immediately turned at Akane's shout, and quickly assessed what was wrong.  
  
Ranma took the initiative, and made a run for Akane's position.  
  
"Hey! Would you be careful?!" She shouted, stopping in front of the youngest Tendo girl.  
  
*Klank* With careful ease, Ranma plucked the kettle out of the air on its way down, saving its precious contents.  
  
"Geez! You almost spilled it all! What's wrong with you?" Ranma snapped, pouring some of it over her head.  
  
The change quickly swept over him, and he frowned slightly as the water rolled down his head. "Kinda hot, isn't it?"  
  
"GEE, YOU THINK?!" Akane shouted, holding out her hands and waving them in the air in a laughable attempt to cool them.  
  
She had just started blowing on her palms, when Ataru deliberately stepped up right in front of her, looking down with his arms crossed over his chest.  
  
"And just what you doing in there?" He said, glaring at her.  
  
Akane glared back. "Getting Ranma some hot water!"  
  
"For five minutes?" Ataru challenged, "I guess hot water isn't all you got!"  
  
A vein popped out on Akane's head, and she started shaking as she grit her teeth.  
  
Ranma sighed and walked past both of them, grabbing Ataru's arm as he passed. "Let it go, Ataru. She's really not worth it, anyway."  
  
"I see how it is!" Ataru continued yelling back at his fiancee, even as Ranma dragged him forward. "Well, fine! Two can play at that game! I was planning to cheat on you anyway, but now it's justified! Take THAT!"  
  
Akane groaned and grabbed her head with her hands, trying to sort out her anger, urge to flee, and need to get to school.  
  
'Creative solutions... creative solutions... creative solutions......... hmmm... maybe if I had a T-bone steak, a piece of string, and a mountain lion...'  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"So this is Furinkan, huh? I'm not impressed." Ataru frowned deeply as he looked over the school, as if he was any judge of what a good campus might look like.  
  
Ranma shrugged, walking up next to him. "Yeah, well, we're here, and we're going to be here for a while, depending on how long it takes the Tendos to get sick of you and kick us all out of their house."  
  
Akane, who had been following listlessly behind them with her head down, immediately perked up hopefully. "You really think Dad would do that?"  
  
Ranma blinked, turning toward her. "I thought it was a given. Why?"  
  
Akane lowered her head again miserably. "Forget it. You don't know Dad. He's too stubborn to give up on something that he really has his heart on." 'It figures that one of the few times Dad decides to pretend he has a spine and stick to something, I end up having to suffer for it.'  
  
"Hey, is there some sort of sports event going on? Look, all those guys are gathered around in padding and stuff." Ataru put a hand over his forehead as he scanned the field, looking at the throng of jocks. "It almost looks like they're waiting for-" *Zoom!* Before he could finish that thought, Akane rushed past him with such speed that Ataru was almost bowled over just from the wind in her passing.  
  
"What in the-" Ranma muttered.  
  
"Akane, I love-" *BAM!!*  
  
"Date me Ak-" *SLAM!!*  
  
"Er, maybe I'll just leave n-" *KAPOW!!*  
  
"I give up! Please don't hu-" *THWACK!!*  
  
"Help! Help! Somebody hel-" *POW!!* *CRACK!!*  
  
Near the rear of the crowd, a hockey player sweatdropped as he watched the oncoming hurricane of violence, while next to him a soccer player tugged on his sweater collar nervously.  
  
"Well, she certainly seems to be getting into it today," the soccer player remarked.  
  
The hockey player sighed. "Aw, geez... I hate fighting her when she has PMS. I swear, it gets worse every month."  
  
His companion nodded. "Yeah. Almost makes you wonder if it's really worth all the trouble, coming out here every day and being beaten to a pulp, even though none of us will likely ever beat her, much less date her."  
  
The hockey player blinked, then put a hand to his mask in thought. "Is it worth it?"  
  
The two boys turned to look at each other, realization finally dawning.  
  
*CRASH!!* *WHAM!!*  
  
Akane breathed heavily as her last two opponents fell, her hands clenching and unclenching. "What?! That's it?! Get back up, you weaklings!! I'm not done yet!! Do you hear me?!"  
  
Mass groaning was her only response.  
  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Well, you have to give her credit for efficiency."  
  
Ataru whistled. "48 seconds. Good time."  
  
Ranma snorted in response. "Feh. I could do better."  
  
"Hey Saotome!" Yelled a voice from above.  
  
Ranma and Ataru both looked up to see Nabiki leaning out of a window on the second story.  
  
"Don't worry about Akane, she goes through this every day!" Nabiki assured them. 'Though she certainly burned through them quickly today.'  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Well, I guess it doesn't involve us, and it's not like she's in trouble, or anything. Let's go."  
  
Ataru wordlessly followed his brother, but turned to look at Akane as she caught a rose out of the air.  
  
'A rose? Where'd that come from?'  
  
"What fools these mortals be," Kuno began, his bokken held before him at the ready.  
  
Akane was already moving to vent the rest of her frustration on her long-time antagonist, when suddenly an idea popped into her head. After all, no matter how much of a dolt Kuno was, so long as she didn't have marry or live with him, he was certainly better than Ataru, right? So why not use one infatuated idiot to get rid of the other?  
  
"Oh Kuno! You've got to help me!" Akane said pleadingly, collapsing onto her knees.  
  
Ataru stopped following Ranma as Akane suddenly fell to her knees in front of the older guy in the blue kendo outfit. He was just a bit taller than Ranma, with brown hair similar in shade to his own, and had an intolerable pretty-boy look about him, even if he didn't seem to be playing the role very well.  
  
"Hey! What's she doing?"  
  
Ranma halted and looked back. "Hm?"  
  
Kuno blinked, and there was a slight popping noise as his brain blew several fuses. Akane was asking him for help? Fortunately, he had never used his brain much anyway. "Help? My love, your will is mine! Any task that you require completed awaits only your command, and I will-"  
  
"Yeah yeah yeah," Akane interrupted, worried that if she took too long, school would start without her. "Look, this pervert over there's been bothering me a lot, okay? I need you to smite him or whatever." She pointed helpfully across the schoolyard at Ataru, who blinked and pointed to himself in confusion.  
  
"A pervert, you say?!" Kuno shouted, raising his bokken into the air. "Foul womanizer! A true man seeks the company of fair maidens through honorable means, such as striking down his love upon the field of battle! I shall smite thee, and vanquish thy lustful spirit!"  
  
Ranma turned toward Ataru. "I think he's talking about you, dude."  
  
"Wonderful. I must have gained a reputation when I wasn't looking," Ataru muttered miserably.  
  
Kuno leveled his weapon at Ataru. "Speak, fool, and tell me the name of one who would dare harass my dearest love, the most beautiful flower, the fierce tigress Akane Tendo!"  
  
Ranma raised an eyebrow and clasped his hands together over his head, stepping up beside Ataru. "Well well well. It looks like the tomboy's got a boyfriend."  
  
Ataru blinked. "B-B-Boyfriend?! He's her boyfriend?! That's no fair! Nobody told me she was taken!"  
  
Akane winced hard as Ataru shouted out in surprise, and then hid her face in her hands. At least a quarter of the school must have heard him, and the way that she was clearly siccing Kuno on Ataru, incorrect conclusions could easily be drawn.  
  
Kuno smirked at Ataru. "'Boyfriend' is such a pitiful, crude word to describe the unbreakable bonds of love between me and the beauteous Akane! Truly, we are more akin to lovers, or even those joined by the eternal string of holy matrimony! 'Tis more a thing of fate and-"  
  
"KUNO!!!" Akane shouted at the top of her lungs, startling the kendoist out of his rant. "Stop talking and beat him up!" Her face was completely red, and she was unconsciously ripping her bag apart in her hands.  
  
Kuno blinked, and then slowly nodded. "It is as my love commands. Stranger, know that you face the invincible Tatewaki Kuno, the undefeated rising star of the kendo world! Surrender now, or I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, will strike you down where you stand!" He raised his bokken into the air, and a single bolt of lightning streaked through the sky in the background.  
  
Ataru scratched his head, then shrugged. "Okay. I surrender."  
  
*Thud!* Akane hit the ground face-first.  
  
Kuno grinned and turned away, his wooden sword resting on his shoulder. "Surely what you lack in courage and charm, you make up for in sense."  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "If only..."  
  
"Very well knave, since you show such intelligence as to properly recognize your betters, I shall-"  
  
"Hey!" Akane ran up in front of Kuno, and grabbed him by the shirt before yanking his head down to face her. "What the heck do you think you're doing?! He's not allowed to surrender! You have to hurt him!"  
  
Kuno blinked rapidly. "But, my love, twould not be honorable to-"  
  
"Shut up! You're too stupid to know what's honorable!" Akane spat, before pulling Kuno around and shoving him toward the two Saotome brothers. "That pervert tried to touch me! Now go punish him!"  
  
Ranma stared expressionlessly as Kuno situated himself. "You know, Akane, maybe it's just me, but I'm starting to get the feeling that you're using your boyfriend in a spiteful, petty attempt to hurt my brother."  
  
Akane glared at him. "He's NOT my boyfriend! Shut up or you're next!"  
  
Kuno sighed deeply. "Though it pains me deeply, for my love I would forsake even my honor. Lecher, today you will feel the wrath of the Blue Thunder! KYAH!!"  
  
"Gwa!" Ataru shouted incoherently in panic as Kuno lunged for him, bokken poised for a powerful downward slash.  
  
*Pap* Kuno's view of Ataru blurred, and his bokken stopped in mid-swing as a hand shot up and grabbed the weapon's edge.  
  
The kendoist blinked in surprise. The boy with the pigtail stood before him, holding his weapon calmly. The other was nowhere to be seen.  
  
Behind Kuno, Ataru wiped the sweat off his brow. "Whew! That was close!"  
  
"Augh!" Akane yelled, not having noticed when he ran up next to her. "How... when... what are you doing here?!" She demanded.  
  
"Avoiding getting creamed, mostly," Ataru offered dryly. Then he glared at her. "Hey, if you already have a boyfriend, why didn't you say so? I could've chosen one of your sisters!"  
  
Akane grit her teeth, seething. "Kuno is NOT my boyfriend!" She let out a yelp immediately following that statement, as Ataru had enveloped her in a big hug.  
  
"Oh Akane! I knew it was a lie! You'd never give yourself to another man, would you?"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"  
  
Ranma glared hard at Kuno, who was still gaping at him as if waiting for a mirage to fade away.  
  
"All right Kuno. The name's Ranma Saotome. The guy you just tried to deck was Ataru Saotome. That does it for introductions."  
  
*Thwack!* Ranma snapped his leg up, and Kuno staggered back as Ranma pegged him in the chin while letting the boy's weapon go.  
  
"You dare?!" Kuno growled.  
  
Ranma's expression didn't change. "Look, you're right on the money about Ataru, but he didn't do nothing yet. So if you want to get to him, you gotta get through me." Suddenly, Ranma smirked. "And even if some miracle allowed that to happen, you'd still have to catch 'im, and to be honest, you're not quite up to the task."  
  
Kuno fumed. "Your mockery is your downfall, cretin! Have at thee!" Kuno wrenched his bokken to the side, and then lunged forward, aiming to cut straight into Ranma at the chest.  
  
*Crack!* Ranma met Kuno's bokken with his fist at precisely the right angle to snap the wooden stick like a dry twig, and let Kuno finish his follow-through with nothing but the splintered handle of his weapon.  
  
When the kendoist stopped to gape at his shattered sword, Ranma grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled down, similar to how Akane did before.  
  
*Thock!* Ranma brought his knee up to slam into Kuno's face, then let go and spin-kicked the older boy in the head. Kuno did a full 180 as he wobbled to the side, and then fell dumbly to the grass below.  
  
"Feh. Nothin' to it." He then turned to look across the field, and frowned as he watched Akane beat Ataru into the ground with her bag. "Hey, are you guys comin'? We're gonna be late!"  
  
Up on the second floor, Nabiki idly rubbed her chin as she thought over what she had just seen below.  
  
"Did that guy just take out Kuno?"  
  
"Man, that kid is good!"  
  
Nabiki frowned. She had to give her little sister credit; manipulating Kuno into attacking the Saotomes was a good deal smarter and more graceful than the manner in which she handled most of her problems (which she somehow thought would all go away if she hit them enough). In fact, she herself had been planning to offer to get rid of the engagement for Akane (for a fair sum, of course), and then use Kuno to beat away Ataru, and likely Ranma too.  
  
Of course, that was no longer feasible for Nabiki or Akane. Ranma had just laid the smackdown on Kuno like she had never seen before, and almost looked bored for all the effort he put into it. Not only that, but he had done so to defend his brother from being beaten on for no good reason.  
  
'Getting rid of these two may take a little more thought...'  
  
"Come on Akane, it was just a hug. You don't have to act like he groped you," Ranma reasoned, leading the engaged couple to the front entrance to the school.  
  
"He DID grope me!" Akane shouted angrily! By now her school uniform was looking rather rumpled and worn, and her hair was in total disarray.  
  
Ranma blinked. "Oh. Well, you DID get that dork with the sword to attack him." He then glared at her. "By the way; don't do that. If you've got a problem with Ataru, deal with it yourself. Don't try and get your boyfriends to do it for you."  
  
As Akane glared heatedly at Ranma, Ataru reached an arm over Akane's shoulders. "'Aint he the greatest?"  
  
*Crack!* *Pow!*  
  
"There," Ranma remarked, watching as Ataru fell twitching to the ground, "was that so hard?"  
  
Akane snorted and stalked past Ranma toward the school.  
  
"Wait!"  
  
Akane stopped in her tracks, and lowered her head. "What do you want?!" Akane hissed, "we're not supposed to know each other, remember?"  
  
"Actually, that's what I wanted to ask you about," Ataru clarified, getting up off the ground. "So, just to make sure it's all clear, I don't know you, and I don't Ranma, right?"  
  
*Thud!* Akane facefaulted.  
  
Ranma shook his head. "No, you know me! I'm your brother!"  
  
Ataru raised an eyebrow. "Well, yeah, and I'm her fiance, but I don't know her, right?"  
  
Lying on the stairs to the entrance, Akane's body twitched.  
  
Ranma scratched his head. "Oh, right... I actually think that you know me, but I don't know you."  
  
Ataru blinked. "We can do that?"  
  
Two rather plain-looking girls stepped up to the school entrance, their eyes centered on the two unfamiliar boys standing before the steps.  
  
One of them noticed the groaning form of a girl on the steps, and recognized her. "Hey Akane, who are these guys?"  
  
"She doesn't know," Ataru quickly answered, turning towards them, "and since she doesn't know me, and I don't know her, and we're certainly not engaged or anything, would you like to go out with me this Friday?"  
  
Akane twitched again.  
  
*Conk* Ranma lightly bopped Ataru over the head. "Slow down there. I know that we don't know her, but she might know us."  
  
Ataru shot him a look. "That hardly makes sense."  
  
Ranma shrugged. "And the rest of this does?" He turned to Akane. "Akane, can you help us out here?"  
  
Akane just groaned.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Class, today we have two new students joining us. Every say hello to Ataru Saotome."  
  
Ataru bowed shallowly to the class, and quickly began ordering the girls in the room from most attractive to least so.  
  
The teacher frowned and looked down at his papers. "Saotome, it says here that you're supposed to be transferring along with your sister, Ranma Saotome. Where is she?"  
  
Ataru blinked. "Uh, sister? Oh! Ranma! Right... er, well, she... um, I mean, he... uh..." the entire class stared oddly at Ataru as he stumbled over the pronouns. "My... sibling... had some business to take care of at the administration's office. Ranma will be along in a moment."  
  
The teacher blinked, then shrugged. "Well, all right. Please take any empty seat you like."  
  
Slumped over her desk, Akane tried her best to shut herself off from the rest of the classroom by covering her head with her arms.  
  
At the moment, the only thing she had to be thankful for was that she had gained so much time by sprinting all the way to Dr. Tofu's. Otherwise, she would have surely been late to class, which would have attracted even more unwanted attention.  
  
"Pst! Hey Akane! Who was that stud you were with out front that took out Kuno?"  
  
Akane sighed, not uncovering her head. "Please Yuka, not now..."  
  
"Well, how about that other gorgeous hunk of man-meat that you had the divine luck to get to touch out there?"  
  
Akane's head immediately shot up, and she glared at Ataru, who sat opposite Yuka, on the left side of her desk.  
  
Ataru grinned at her. "Hey beautiful! What's your name?"  
  
Akane grit her teeth. "WHY are you sitting right next to each other? I said to act like we're strangers!"  
  
Ataru blinked. "That's exactly what I'm doing. Whenever I transfer, I find the cutest girl in the class, get a seat next to her, and then bother her until I get a date with her."  
  
Akane slumped forward onto her desk again. "Has that ever worked?" She mumbled.  
  
"Occasionally. Sometimes they'll want a date with Ranma, and offer to go out with me to get me to hook them up." Ataru shrugged. It didn't really bother him that they only put up with him to get to his brother. After all, it was more action than he would've gotten as an only child.  
  
Akane frowned. "Speaking of Ranma, is he really trying to get the vice principal to change his records?"  
  
Ataru nodded. "That's what he said."  
  
"I was just wondering what was taking him so long. It shouldn't take very long to fix such an obvious mistake in the transfer."  
  
Ataru shrugged. "Well, with Ranma, things can get pretty complicated."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Look, I don't see what's so hard about this," Ranma said calmly, trying his very best to keep his cool, "the forms say I'm a girl. I stand before you, with a picture I.D., as a boy. The forms are clearly wrong. So you can just change what the forms say, and I'll be on my way."  
  
The Vice Principal sighed as he looked at the Daikotu Martial Arts Club membership card. "Well, I don't doubt that you're Ranma Saotome, though this thing would hardly stand up as a credible form of I.D." he slid the card across the desk over to Ranma, "now, normally, things would happen exactly as you just described, no problem."  
  
Ranma's eye twitched. "Normally?"  
  
The man shrugged. "I'm sorry, but I received specific instructions from Genma Saotome that if you were to show up as a boy and demand that the records be changed, that I was to refuse, and splash you with this glass of water here." He quickly took up a glass of water sitting on his desk, and then tossed its contents at Ranma.  
  
Ranma calmly grabbed a picture off of the vice principal's desk and held it up, deftly blocking the spray of liquid.  
  
The vice principal blinked. "Hey! That's my picture of my family!"  
  
"What are you whining about?" Ranma muttered, "it's in a frame." Then he tossed the glass-framed photo over his shoulder.  
  
*Crash!*  
  
Ranma then leaned over to rest his arms on the VP's desk. "Just make the changes, and this will be nice and painless, for both of us.  
  
The man's face contorted slightly, and then he stood up and pointed to the door of his office. "Get out. Now."  
  
Ranma's eyes narrowed. "Change the forms. Now."  
  
"Or what?"  
  
"Or I'll just changed them myself!" Ranma shouted angrily.  
  
"Ha!" The VP laughed, "you think I'm just going to stand by and let you go through my files? You'll have to get through me, first!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"In English, a contraction is a vital part of fluent speech. Though using a complete phrase, such as 'He would not do that', or, 'I did not do that', the speaker can-"  
  
The teacher stopped his lecture as the door to the classroom opened, admitting a young man with a pigtail, wearing what looked like a red silk shirt and black pants of the same material. "Can I help you sir?"  
  
Ranma nodded, and walked up to the man's desk, giving the class a short wave. "Yeah. I'm Ranma Saotome. I'm supposed to be in your class."  
  
The teacher blinked, then looked down at Ranma's chest. Then he looked up, frowning. Unless the boy in front of him was a girl deliberately trying to fool others, he was definitely male. "Uh... the documents said that-"  
  
"I know," Ranma said, shrugging, "I'm supposed to be a girl. That's why I was late, actually. Had to clear that up with the vice principal."  
  
"Oh. Well, then that's no problem." The teacher quickly made some marks on his attendance sheet and the papers he had been given. "Well, I was in the middle of a lecture, Mr. Saotome, so why don't you take a seat over there, next to your brother."  
  
Ranma nodded and walked to his seat, ignoring the stares and whispers from around the class.  
  
"Aw man, I thought we'd get another girl in this class..."  
  
"Wow, what a hunk!"  
  
"I can't believe he's actually related to that dork next to Akane..."  
  
"Hey, that's the guy who knocked out Kuno this morning!"  
  
"No way! In our class?"  
  
"He's so cool!"  
  
Ranma reached his desk, and slipped his bag underneath before sitting down. Then he turned toward Ataru.  
  
"Still awake. Impressive. You planning on actually working this year?"  
  
Ataru ignored the jibe. "Hey, what took so long up there?"  
  
Ranma snorted. "Pops made it difficult for me to get things fixed. But I took care of it."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
The bruised, aching hockey player from the battle earlier that morning squinted through his goalie mask as he looked up. "Well I'll be. That IS the vice principal up there."  
  
The soccer player, who was limping along while using his companion for support, nodded. "I told you. And he IS wearing bugs bunny underwear! The rumor was right! Hiroshi owes me 500 yen!"  
  
The subject of their attention was, much to his mortification, currently suspended at the top of the school flagpole, tied to the shaft and gagged with torn strips of what used to be his own clothes.  
  
"Wonder how that happened," the hockey player mumbled, rubbing a sore area on his thigh. Akane had been more brutal than ever, but luckily, a lot less thorough. He and his companion had regained consciousness less than half an hour after they had been brought down, and hoped to be the first ones to the nurse's office before the daily rush.  
  
"What I wonder," the soccer player began, pointing to the base of the flagpole, "is what this big, thick cable is."  
  
Indeed, there was a thick, black cable running along the ground from the school. The end opposite the wall it looked to be ripped out of was placed at the base of the flagpole, where the rubber covering had been stripped away, and the copper wires were wrapped around the large pole.  
  
*BRZAAAAAAAAACK!*  
  
Both athletes jumped back in surprise as blue-white electric arcs suddenly lashed about all around the pole, concentrated mostly on the hapless fool tied to it.  
  
"MMMMMMMPH!" The vice principal shouted around the gag as his body convulsed painfully, only to stop suddenly as the current was cut off.  
  
The two students on the ground blinked.  
  
*BRZAAAACK!* "MMMMMMMPH!"  
  
*BRZAAAACK!* "MMMMMMMPH!"  
  
*BRZAAAACK!* "MMMMMMMPH!"  
  
They slowly turned to look at each other as several much shorter jolts blasted through the flagpole.  
  
Finally the hockey player shrugged. "Well, as much as I'd love to stand here and watch this, my arm 'aint gonna set itself."  
  
"Yeah, come on." The soccer player agreed.  
  
The two made their way into the school as quickly as they could, entering the main hallway connected to the nurse's office.  
  
"Hey, it's all dark in here," the soccer player commented. Though a few windows gave the enclosed hallway enough light to move around in without fear of walking into something, usually the lights were on all day.  
  
*Click* *Click* *Click* *Click*  
  
The two athletes turned down the hall to watch as a girl tried operating the lightswitch while another girl stood by, frowning.  
  
*Click* *Click* "It just doesn't make sense! How could all the bulbs in the hall go bad at the same time?" The first girl planted her fists on her hips as she stepped away from the light switch.  
  
Her friend shrugged. "Got me." She then reached for the switch. *Click* *Click* *Click* Having no better luck, she turned to her friend. "There must be something wrong with the wiring or something. Maybe I should just leave it on? They might just start working again later."  
  
The other girl considered it. "No, just turn it off. They'll get it fixed eventually."  
  
*Click*  
  
As the girls left, the two athletes turned to look at each other once again.  
  
"We probably shouldn't look too far into this."  
  
"Right. We're just bystanders."  
  
They shared a nervous chuckle as they staggered towards the nurse's office.  
  
*Knock* *Knock*  
  
The door opened, revealing a gorgeous, shapely woman with long, black hair. She sighed at the sight of the two boys, who were trying their best not to leer. "Hockey goalie and soccer captain, hm? All right, you get your pick of cots." She frowned. "I'm telling you, you idiots had better stop killing yourselves trying to beat that poor Tendo girl. I honestly don't see what you morons think you'll get out of it all."  
  
"Sorry Miss Sakura," they both recited habitually, while thinking, 'Getting beaten up by Akane, only to get sent to be cared for by Sakura! All that, and we get to skip English class! Life doesn't get any better than this!'  
  
The two boys wobbled into the office, leaving Sakura at the door, shaking her head sadly. She knew very well that they had no intention of stopping.  
  
She was about to enter her office after them, but looked in the hallway and frowned. "That's odd... what happened to the lights?"  
  
She stepped over to the lightswitch across the hallway. *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click*  
  
"Did all the bulbs burn out at once? No, couldn't be..." *Click* *Click* *Click* *Click*  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
At the Tendo household, an uneasy calm had settled over the small home as its three current occupants wasted away the day.  
  
It was calm due to the fact that over half the residents were currently absent. While Kasumi cleaned and Soun and Genma played board games, there was little around to cause any significant disturbance, what with all the teenagers at school.  
  
It was uneasy due to the fact that Genma was playing Shogi with his arm in a sling, bandages around his face, and ice packs on his head, ankles, and knees (luckily for him, it had turned out that, while his legs were badly hurt, neither one was broken). Really, the uneasiness was limited to Soun, so the calm wasn't so heavily afflicted at all. Genma, for all the pain he had been in, seemed to be weathering it rather well.  
  
"Saotome, are you absolutely sure that you don't need to see a physician? I know one that works nearby, he's even something of a family friend. He's an excellent chiropractor as well..."  
  
Genma smirked and waved his good hand slowly. "For the tenth time, Tendo, I'll be just fine. The boy really didn't put his heart into it this morning, I can assure you."  
  
Soun frowned into his tea. "Saotome, I must ask, why did you want Ranma to go as a girl?"  
  
Genma snorted. "Well, I was pretty hammered, so I thought it would help keep him in line, maybe teach his some discipline." He tugged on his sling a little bit. "You can see how well that worked out. Other than that, I was hoping it would keep him from getting a girlfriend before we could pair him with Kasumi or Nabiki."  
  
Soun blinked. "Getting a girlfriend? Is that a serious threat, here?"  
  
Genma nodded gravely. "I tell you, Tendo, the boy's a chip off the old block. He must have at least half my charm, and all of my good looks. It's a curse as much as a blessing, I tell you."  
  
Soun sweatdropped. "Indeed, Saotome." He didn't have the heart to tell his old friend that the bandages obscuring half of his face were a great improvement.  
  
"Not only that, but the boy's very protective of his friends, female, or otherwise," Genma said, frowning, "I'm afraid that once the ladies get a hold of him, it's beyond my power to make him stop seeing them." Genma shrugged. Ataru was actually far more effective in such situations than he was. Many women were unwilling to put up with Ataru, even to be around Ranma. It was a remarkably convenient solution to getting Ranma to split up with any unusually persistent girl that managed to get close to him, and in the end, the only one who was really hurt was Ranma.  
  
Soun sighed. "Actually Saotome, that brings me to another important point. Do you always let Ranma treat you like this?"  
  
Genma raised an eyebrow. "I don't 'let' the boy do anything, Tendo. He does what he wishes, and unfortunately, it's reached the point where it's beyond my power to stop him."  
  
"Surely though, you must have taught the boy something about discipline. I mean, his behavior is inexcusable!"  
  
Genma nodded sagely. "Ah, quite right, Tendo. That is my greatest failure in the boy, and yet, also my greatest achievement."  
  
Soun blinked in confusion.  
  
Genma elaborated. "Ranma and Ataru are free spirits, if nothing else, but while I've managed to make Ataru utterly spineless and submissive, he has become weak and cowardly. Ranma, on the other hand, I've managed to mold into a man among men; the boy is strong, fearless, and yields to no man's will but his own." He sighed. "Unfortunately, that includes mine. I tried to teach both my sons to obey me at all times, and I've always been able to bully Ataru into obeying me, so long as it doesn't involve him fighting, but Ranma always took it upon himself to be as different from Ataru as possible. He long ago started to defy me, and when I beat him into place, he doubled and redoubled his training for the sole purpose of being able to beat me when I told him what to do. It worked wonders for his regimen, but, well... you know..." Genma tugged some more on his sling, "it's been hell trying to travel with the boy when he won't listen to me, but Ataru's as lazy and dull-headed as they come, even if he'll do whatever I say."  
  
Soun crossed his arms over his chest and stared at his old friend, deep in thought. "I see. One is your pride, the ultimate culmination of years of hard work and training, that has surpassed your designs and transcended your ideals. The other is your pleasure, a helpless moron that you can manipulate at will for personal gain, but with no ambition, skill, or drive."  
  
"Unless you count his sex drive," Genma mumbled.  
  
Soun looked down at the Shogi board, though the game had lost its interest in the wake of their discussion. "Well, surely you must have instilled a sense of honor in the boy. Perhaps that could be used as leverage against him?"  
  
Genma shook his damaged head sadly. "I'm afraid not, Tendo. I taught Ranma specifically so that I could use him that way, but with all his roaming around looking for martial arts masters to help him advance himself, he eventually developed his own twisted sense of honor. Most of it involves not listening to me," he grumbled, "oh, where did I go wrong?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know Mr. Saotome," Kasumi said, stepping in to serve the two men some lemonade, "Ranma may be very rough, but I think he turned out to be a wonderful young man, despite your efforts."  
  
Genma smiled and took his glass. "Why thank you, Kasumi!" Then he paused, blinking, "I think..."  
  
Soun grinned as he took his own lemonade. "Now Saotome, we both know that thinking is hardly your strong suit! Ha ha ha!"  
  
"Ha ha ha! Don't you know it, Tendo!" Genma agreed, laughing himself.  
  
Then, far too suddenly, both men stopped laughing and looked down at the playing board.  
  
"Well, maybe going to school can keep them out of trouble," Soun thought aloud, waiting for Genma to make his move.  
  
Genma snorted. "Yeah, right." Then he stared hard at the playing board. "Tendo, are you sure the board was like this before?"  
  
Soun blinked innocently. "Before what, Saotome old buddy?"  
  
"Uh... never mind."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ataru grinned and chuckled darkly as he looked at the pail of water lying in the hallway, completely unguarded.  
  
Very slowly, he picked it up by its handle, gently lifting it to stomach level while staring at his reflection on the top.  
  
'Girls' locker room, prepare yourself... for Akari!' he arranged his grip so that he held the pail by its sides, and slowly lifted it up. 'Panties, bras, legs and breasts! All mine! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!'  
  
"Ataru Saotome?"  
  
"Gyah!" *Clank!* *Splash!* Ataru wobbled unsteadily as the bucket slipped from his hands and fell to the floor, splashing its contents harmlessly on the floor, and getting not a drop on the lecherous teenager.  
  
"Urgh..." Ataru groaned, then turned listlessly to see who had startled him.  
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" A pretty girl with shoulder-length black hair stared at him worriedly, hugging her book bag to her chest.  
  
Ataru's brain quickly changed gears, and he stood up straight and slipped his hands in his pockets in a pathetic attempt to look manfully casual. "Yeah, I'm Ataru, what's your name, beautiful?" He smiled in his usually lecherous way.  
  
The girl seemed to think to herself for a moment. "You don't remember me?"  
  
"We have second and third period together," Ataru immediately stated, as if reciting from a book, "in second period, you sit in the fourth row, second column, starting from the outer wall. In third, you sit in the back row, third column, behind the flat-chested blond chick with big ears."  
  
She blinked rapidly, amazed and likely a little weirded out by the way he had been able to set all that out so quickly. Then she cocked her head to one side slightly. "You don't remember who I am though?" she asked, a little disappointed, "oh well. I guess it's not fair to expect you to. I didn't recognize you until the teacher told the class your name."  
  
Ataru blinked. "We knew each other before today?"  
  
Shinobu nodded, then stared oddly as Ataru put his index fingers on either side of his head, and squeezed his eyes shut tight.  
  
After a few seconds, his eyes snapped open again, and he spread his arms wide, smiling happily. "Shinobu Miyake! I used to play at your house when I was ten while skipping out on martial arts practice!" He quickly embraced her while she was surprised at the display of memory. "It's so GOOD to see you again!"  
  
"Th-Thanks!" Shinobu stuttered, forcing herself from Ataru's embrace. 'Did I just feel his hand on my rear?' Cautious, but willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now, she blushed a little bit and played with the strap to her bag. "Wow, you remembered all that?"  
  
Ataru grinned, and then tapped his head. "I can remember every girl I've ever met with a moment's notice!" Ataru bragged. Then his smile became a smirk and he smoothly moved an arm to loop behind her back. "And besides, I could never forget such a pretty girl as you." Truth be told, Shinobu had been a dorky-looking, unattractive creature at age ten, and Ataru had only stuck around her because she tolerated his company better than most others, and because her mother baked really good cookies. Now, however...  
  
"So, you moved here from Hokkaido?" Ataru asked idly, trying to hide his excitement at having gotten his arm all the way around Shinobu's back without being slapped.  
  
Shinobu nodded, still blushing. While she felt a little uncomfortable being held so closely by someone she had realistically just met, she had to admit that the attention felt nice. While she was certainly attractive, she was pretty much in the same lot as much of Furinkan's female population when having to play third fiddle to the heavily sought-after Akane Tendo (who left most of the remotely desirable males in pretty bad shape, physically), and the attention-grabbing Sakura (who largely left the school's boys too distracted to bother with lesser females).  
  
"So, I was just heading off to lunch. Would you like to join me?" Ataru asked, trying not to let his natural urges ruin the moment. Getting this close to a girl without being hurt was a rather significant achievement, and until she got pissed off at him, he had the childhood friend thing going for him too.  
  
Shinobu nodded happily. "Yes, I'd like that!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Stand now, foolish infidel, and face your doom!" Kuno shouted, wincing as his jaw stung from the speech.  
  
Ranma blinked and turned around. He had just been about to sit down and eat his lunch when Kuno had run cafeteria.  
  
"What do you want?" Ranma asked irritably. The kendoist clearly looked in no condition to fight, and had bandages wrapped around half his head.  
  
Kuno raised his bokken up above his head. "I seek recompense for your earlier mockery, Saotome! No one makes a fool of Tatewaki Kuno!"  
  
"I don't see why they'd have to," Ranma said, "you do such a wonderful job by yourself."  
  
Kuno fumed as chuckles erupted from the small crowd that had started gathering around the two fighters. "SILENCE!! After you taste the bitter grain of utter defeat, we shall see who has the last laugh!" He lowered his bokken at Ranma. "Defend yourself!"  
  
Kuno's first move was a short thrust toward Ranma, aimed to nudge him toward the defensive so that Kuno could use the greater reach of his weapon to its fullest effect.  
  
Ranma's first move was to grab the bokken as it was thrust toward him, stopping it dead.  
  
"Wh-What? Knave! Unhand my weapon! Urgh..." Kuno began tugging at his bokken, but was unable to budge it from Ranma's iron grip.  
  
Ranma sighed. "Listen, Tatewaki..."  
  
"That's upperclassman Kuno to you, fool!"  
  
"Yeah, okay, whatever. Do you really think you should be fighting in your condition? From how hard I hit you, I wouldn't be surprised if those bandages were the only things keeping your head in one piece."  
  
"Ha!" Kuno scoffed, "you think too highly of yourself, Saotome! The Blue Thunder's skull is as thick as any man's!"  
  
Ranma stared at the kendoist as he kept struggling with his bokken. 'Geez, it's not even a challenge to mock him any more... this is a big, fat waste of my time.'  
  
*Yank* Ranma pulled the bokken away from Kuno, and then grabbed one end in each hand. *Snap!*  
  
Kuno's eyes widened as he watched Ranma break his weapon in his hands. "Ho-How d-d-dare you-"  
  
*Pow!*  
  
Ranma turned away as Kuno hit the ground, quite satisfied with the outcome of the "battle". "I knew the loser couldn't take another hit to the head."  
  
He largely ignored the crowd around him that had started clapping and cheering in amazement, quite used to easily impressed crowds (by his standards, anyway). Walking toward one wall of enthusiastic students, the crowd parted like the Red Sea in front of him. Thus he was quite surprised when the gap closed in front of him, and he was suddenly faced with a wall of smiling teenage girls.  
  
Ranma was overcome with a sense of deja vue, and he shuddered as his mind flashed back to the Ninja training grounds he had visited in the past, and their co-ed hot springs. That had almost turned out very messy, and not necessarily the unpleasant type of messy.  
  
"Uh... is there some reason you're all standing there staring at me?" He asked bluntly. He had always been slightly claustrophobic when a group of people closed in around him. When he couldn't solve the problem by forcibly launching them away, it tended to make him a little irritable.  
  
The lead girl, a brunette with fairly long hair blushed slightly while holding a clipboard to her chest. "I'm Yuka Hajiko, president of the Student Council! It's nice to meet you Mr. Saotome!" She bowed deeply.  
  
Ranma groaned slightly. "Student council. Great. Let me guess, there's some kind of rule against beating up other students, right?"  
  
Yuka blinked, then laughed out loud. "Rule against beating up students? Why would we have a stupid rule like that?"  
  
Ranma cocked his head slightly to one side. "So what's this about, then?"  
  
Yuka gestured for Ranma to walk alongside her, and the small group of young women all began to move toward a big, empty table that a few girls were reserving for them.  
  
"Well Ranma, do you mind if I call you Ranma?" Yuka asked hopefully, smiling brightly when Ranma casually nodded. "Well Ranma, we need your help in the formation of a new club on campus. I came up with the idea just today as you were mopping up your first fight with Kuno."  
  
Seeing Ranma raise and eyebrow at her, Yuka elaborated. "We don't need you to participate or anything... although that would certainly be welcome. I just wanted to get some critical information from you for the purposes of the new club. Then all we need is the Vice Principal's go-ahead and then everything's official!" She frowned. "Actually, I already tried to get his approval, but he wasn't there."  
  
Ranma nodded knowingly. "And won't be for some time. Whatever it is his suit's made of, it isn't cheap; I had to struggle just to tear it straight."  
  
Yuka blink-blinked, then turned toward Ranma. "What?"  
  
"I said, 'so what information do you need, exactly?'" Ranma lied, sitting down at the table. He noted that all the girls sat down at the same table, leaning toward him to various degrees.  
  
'Maybe it's a martial arts club?' He thought, 'Can't be. Nothing but girls here. Maybe a girl's martial arts club? But then why would they want to talk to me? They don't know about my curse...'  
  
"Oh, you know, just some basic stuff. Like your hobbies, a little about your family, personal history, virginity..."  
  
Ranma blinked and jerked his head to the side to look at the girl. "What?" Then he blinked again as a blue package was held up before him.  
  
"Oreos?" Yuka offered, smiling brightly.  
  
Immediately forgetting every other part of the current situation, Ranma smiled pleasantly for the first time in the conversation as he took the cookies. "Hey, thanks a lot!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Wow, you really went on a 10-year training trip? You must be really good!" Shinobu marveled at her current lunch companion, who attempted to look modest.  
  
Ataru made a play of brushing his fingernails against his chest and then observing them. "Yeah, you could say that I've picked up a thing or two."  
  
Shinobu took a bite of her sandwich. Ataru had suggested that they eat under a tree in the school yard, and while she would have liked to spend lunch with her friends, she had to admit that the idea was too romantic to pass up. Even if Ataru didn't look like much, and his hands were way too free, he did pay her a lot of attention, and Shinobu liked it.  
  
Shinobu swallowed her food, then turned back to Ataru as another curiosity arose. "So, are you as good as your brother? I heard he beat up Kuno this morning!"  
  
Ataru raised an eyebrow and shrugged while smiling. "Better, in some ways."  
  
She blinked. "Really? Then why didn't you take care of Kuno yourself?"  
  
"Well..." Ataru trailed off, stalling for time while he tried to put a positive spin on absolute cowardice. "I don't like violence very much. Martial arts is good and all, but we should find other ways to solve our problems!"  
  
Shinobu nodded slightly, and turned back toward her lunch. "That makes sense."  
  
Ataru grinned and slowly reached his arm behind Shinobu's back. "Besides, I'm a lover, not a fighter..."  
  
'Almost...' Ataru had just about reached the critical point when his eyes suddenly snapped wide open. Shooting to his feet, Ataru's head jerked toward the school cafeteria like a compass pointing the way north, and the young lecher froze, his face a mask of utter seriousness and determination.  
  
Shinobu watched all this with wide eyes, startled. "Ataru! Are you okay?"  
  
Ataru didn't turn toward her. "There is a great disturbance in the Force."  
  
Shinobu blinked. "What?"  
  
Ataru didn't elaborate. "Forgive me, but I must leave now. Can I meet you at five o'clock tomorrow afternoon? We can have dinner."  
  
Shinobu was fairly creeped out by the way Ataru had asked her out without looking at her, but accepted anyway. "Okay. At five. Where can I meet you?"  
  
"Front gate. I've wasted too much time already! Farewell!" In an exceedingly overdramatic manner, Ataru broke into an impressive sprint, dodging the occasional student as he made haste toward the cafeteria.  
  
"Oh Ataru," Shinobu said aloud, clasping her hands together. "I don't know what's wrong, but I hope you'll be okay..."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
*Crunch* *Crunch* *Gulp* "My idea of a romantic getaway?" Ranma tapped his chin in thought. "Well, I suppose it would be a trip up to the mountains. You know, fresh air, trees, streams, that sort of thing. That way I could get some training in, too."  
  
Several of the girls at the table nodded as they took notes in little sketchbooks.  
  
Yuka was no exception, and held her pen at the ready as she asked the next question. "Training? Well, then that brings me to the next obvious question: do you train with or without a shirt?"  
  
Ranma blinked, wondering what that could possibly have to do with anything. "Well, I suppose if it's hot, I might train shirtless."  
  
"Excellent!" Yuka exclaimed, making some quick marks in her notepad, "that will certainly add some flavor to our planned photo gallery!"  
  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Hey, what club is this going to be, exactly? You never told me that." He reached for another cookie and popped it in his mouth.  
  
Yuka blushed and looked away. "Well... it's a special kind of club... it's really hard to... well..." suddenly she giggled and bowed her head, turning redder. "I'm so embarrassed!"  
  
Ranma blinked again, and then swallowed his cookie. "What are ya embarr-" *Tap* *Tap*  
  
Feeling someone tapping on his right shoulder, Ranma turned to the right to see who it was. Except that when he looked to his right, nobody was there.  
  
"Looking for somebody?"  
  
Ranma jerked his head to the left, and saw Ataru standing at the head of the table. Apparently he had moved there quickly, as the girls nearest to him jumped in surprise at his voice.  
  
"Ataru! What are you doing here?" Ranma growled, standing up.  
  
Ataru chuckled evilly, causing those nearest to him to scoot away. "Oh Ranma, I'm afraid you're getting slow if such a stupid trick caught you so easily!"  
  
Ranma grit his teeth. "What do you want, moron?"  
  
Ataru smirked. "Want? Oh, I already got what I wanted."  
  
Ataru held up a blue, partially opened package, and Ranma's eyes widened.  
  
"Bwa ha ha!! The cookies are mine!" Ataru laughed.  
  
"NEVER!!!" Ranma shouted defiantly, and lunged for the other boy.  
  
Ataru leapt away, and in fact jumped straight up high enough to grab hold of the scaffolding set in the roof of the cafeteria.  
  
Ranma was unfazed by the feat, and located the nearest empty bench. *Bam!* Slamming a foot down on one end, the entire thing flipped upward, and then teetered back as if it was going to fall down on Ranma. *Wham!* Instead, Ranma kicked the entire thing up toward the ceiling, where it crashed into the webs of lights and wires and steel like a boomerang into a matchstick house.  
  
Ataru jumped away at the critical moment and made a break for the front door, ignoring the shouts of surprise and panic that followed as metal and glass rained down on the unfortunate students of Furinkan.  
  
Ranma launched himself up into the air, and did a somersault before aiming himself at the portion of the wall directly above the door.  
  
*Crash!!* The door frame burst outward, and the doors themselves became a projectile that nearly crushed Ranma's thieving brother as Ranma kicked through the cafeteria wall.  
  
Back inside the cafeteria, Yuka sat back down, chewing slightly on her pen.  
  
"Well, that was... unexpected. Maybe I should bring him pocky next time instead."  
  
Shrugging, she looked up to address the other girls at the table.  
  
"Is there any other business left to discuss?"  
  
One girl raised her hand and stood up. "I think we should contract Nabiki Tendo to obtain and supply pictures for us."  
  
Yuka nodded, frowning. "That's a good idea, but we'll need extra funds..."  
  
"We could buy the negatives from her and develop as many copies as we need! I'm in a photography class!"  
  
"Then we could charge members who want a complete personal collection for the photos to cover our costs!"  
  
Yuka beamed. "Good idea! I'll speak to her immediately after we get permission from the Vice Principal. Anything else? No? Well then, I proclaim the unofficial first meeting of the Ranma Saotome Fan Club complete!"  
  
Several of the girls around the table cheered, and they all started to pack up and get ready to return to class.  
  
One girl turned to Yuka. "Yuka, shouldn't we help Ranma or something? I mean, this seems to be causing kind of a big mess."  
  
Yuka raised an eyebrow. "Help Ranma? Why? All that dork Ataru did was take the cookies. Besides, Ranma can take care of himself." She gestured dismissively to the mess of collapsed scaffolding in the middle of the cafeteria, and inadvertently also drew the girl's attention to the number of students trapped under it and trying to get free.  
  
"Well, yes, I understand, but I still think we should try to contain the situation somehow before it gets out of control."  
  
Yuka rolled her eyes at the other girl's worrying. "Don't be silly. What's the worst that could possibly happen?"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
(30 minutes later)  
  
*Crunch* *Crunch* *Gulp* "Man, let me tell you, these things taste a LOT better when you've earned them like this."  
  
Ranma sat cross-legged on the ground, eating his cookies pleasantly. His clothes were charred, and his entire left sleeve was missing from his shirt, while his legs and feet were bare from mid-thigh down. If it weren't for the fact that Ranma himself seemed largely unhurt, one might speculate that he was trapped in a burning building, and then leapt to freedom only to land in a lion's cage.  
  
Next to him, Akane stared listlessly at what was left of Furinkan High. While she was totally free of any sort of physical damage, cosmetic or otherwise, she had a look of disbelief and misery on her face that contrasted strongly with Ranma's current satisfaction.  
  
Half the school building (namely, the top half) was gone. The other half, though mostly intact, held several piles of burnt debris, and somehow a pool of acid had formed in the chemistry labs that threatened to eat away at the floor and drip into the basement. The gym was still on fire, and currently keeping the firefighters busy while paramedics carried off burn patients and treated concussions.  
  
"How did this happen..." Akane mumbled to herself.  
  
Ranma sighed, and quickly ate another cookie. "It was an accident, really. I was trying to keep damage to a minimum."  
  
Akane twitched.  
  
"Quite a big 'accident'," Nabiki remarked, walked up next to her shell-shocked sister and poking her in the side to try and get a reaction. "What caused the fire?"  
  
Ranma flinched. "Well... usually it's Ataru, but this time it's actually my fault..."  
  
"Your fault? How do you figure?" Ranma and Nabiki turned toward one of the paramedics. He was helping another man with a stretcher, which held the charred, delirious body of a middle-aged man.  
  
Nabiki blinked. "Hey, that's the Vice Principal!"  
  
"So that's who he is, huh?" The paramedic asked. "Yeah, we found this guy at the foot of the flagpole, next to an electric cable that had been ripped out of the building wall, where the fire started. Looks like the idiot tried to mess with the wiring for some reason and started the fire after electrocuting himself." The man scratched his head in confusion as he stared down at his patient. "What I can't figure out is why he took all his clothes off and ripped them up into strips..."  
  
Ranma laughed nervously, looking away. "Uh, yeah, imagine that... what a dweeb..."  
  
The paramedics carried the stretcher away, and several more stretchers passed before a particular one approached.  
  
"Hey, can you guys hurry it up? I'm not getting any healthier here, you know?" Ataru berated the men carrying him. As he laid back on the stretcher, arms tucked comfortably behind his head and one leg crossed over the other, he looked more like he was sitting in a hammock than a stretcher.  
  
"Hey, are you sure you're even injured?" One of the men asked angrily.  
  
"Are you sure you're a doctor?" Ataru shot back. "Can't you see all the blood on my clothes?!"  
  
Indeed, there was a large red splotch of liquid wetting Ataru's shirt, and the boy also had a number of small burns and bruises.  
  
The paramedic's eyes narrowed. "That's red paint. We found you in the supply closet."  
  
"With a dented can of red paint on my head," Ataru reminded him. "Now less talk, more lift."  
  
Ranma scarfed down the last of his cookies quickly as Ataru passed by.  
  
"Hey bro! No school tomorrow!" Ataru cheered, giving Ranma the thumbs-up.  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I kinda figured that. You going to the hospital?"  
  
Ataru grinned and nodded. "Yuh-huh! Soft beds, 24-hour room service, and all the nurses I can grab!"  
  
"Okay. What time should I expect them to throw you out?"  
  
Ataru considered it. "Around sevenish."  
  
"I'll see you at 6:30," Ranma said, then turned away as Ataru was loaded into the ambulance.  
  
Ranma began to walk toward the front gate, but then noticed that Akane was still staring at the school.  
  
He turned toward Nabiki. "Hey, is she going to be okay?"  
  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow toward her sister. "I think so... but she may need some help getting home."  
  
Ranma nodded in understanding, and then went back toward Akane. Then he picked her up and slung her over his shoulder before walking back to where Nabiki was waiting.  
  
"Hum... she's heavier than she looks," Ranma remarked.  
  
*Thwack!* "Ow!" Ranma's head pitched forward as Akane slammed her elbow into it.  
  
"I heard that! Don't think that just because I'm catatonic I can't hear you insult me!"  
  
Nabiki giggled as Ranma mumbled irritably. "Oh Akane, calm down, would you? At least we don't have school tomorrow."  
  
Then she sidled closer to Ranma. "Say, Ranma? Could you do me a big favor? You see, there are these friends of mine who need some pictures..."  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
End Chapter 2 


	3. Return of the Big Guy

"Okay, so what do we have so far?" Arak asked tiredly, rubbing his head in irritation.  
  
Ranma Yagami sighed and held up a piece of paper. "So far we have 'Family Guy' and 'Josh Temple's seifuku fetish'. I don't think that's gonna do it."  
  
Rayden slammed his fist (the one that wasn't occupied with a mug of powerful alcohol) on the table, causing the surface to crack, and the papers and books on copyright law to jump up. "Enough of this sissy legal crap! Just point out what you want me to crush and I'll crush it!"  
  
Arak groaned. "Knock it off, you genetically enhanced ogre. We're not facing a tangible opponent here; you can't crush it."  
  
"Bah! Just point me in the right direction!" Rayden protested, digging in his trench coat for a blaster with his free hand.  
  
"I should probably explain this to the readers," Ranma mumbled.  
  
"Bah! I'll crush the readers, too!" Rayden yelled, finding a thermal detonator instead of a gun and pulling it out.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" Death yelled, slapping the weapon out of the space pirate's hand, "we're trying to AVOID lawsuits here!"  
  
"You see," Ranma began to explain, scratching his head, "upon the release of the last chapter of Nexus II, there were several inquiries as to a particular line stolen..." Ranma trailed off as Arak and Death cleared their throat and respective skeletal equivalents, "... er, borrowed from a show that Black Dragon wasn't aware anybody but himself watched. And to answer the question you're all thinking right now, yes, he is a moron."  
  
Arak continued. "Up until this point, he has been successfully and secretly interweaving his stories with his life's experiences, which mostly, as in, entirely, involve television, comics, and video games. And, up until this point, not a bloody one of you noticed. Or at least, none of you cared enough to say anything."  
  
"People noticed the Family Guy line, though, and since then, BD realized that he had to create a more complete disclaimer to cover his ass, since his entire writing 'career' is nothing but a shabby fabric woven of the stolen threads of popular entertainment."  
  
"Nice metaphor," Arak complimented. "Anyway, the bastard told me and Rayden from Supernova to do it, and then sent pyromaniac Ranma and Death to help. And then, because he's really busy with Mario Kart right now, he decided to make it into a Jusenkyou Theatre feature to save time. It hasn't been working out well."  
  
Ranma's eye twitched. "I TOLD you! Stop calling me a pyromaniac!"  
  
Arak snorted. "When you stop lighting Rayden on fire for fun."  
  
Ranma crossed his arms over his chest. "You're just jealous 'cause you can't do it." He then tossed a purple spark at Rayden's foot, which ignited and started burning his pants.  
  
The space pirate was too drunk to notice, however, and merely continued chugging down Corellian brandy as the fire spread up his leg.  
  
"In any case, we should get back to this," Death said, tapping a finger on the desk. "Family Guy covers me, the NII line, plus that one gag back in the beginning of the last chapter. Temple covers all the reference to Ranma in a miniskirt, or him not being in a miniskirt. What about samurai?"  
  
"Akira Kurusawa," Ranma said, scratching his chin. "I think. Or maybe it was Ruroni Kenshin. One of those."  
  
"I WILL KILL KENSHIN HIMURA!!!" Rayden declared for no reason, thrusting a fist in the air. Next to him, Arak idly picked up a bucket of water and dumped it on the super-soldier's leg, dousing Ranma's flame.  
  
Death sighed and began writing on the list. "We'll just have to write them both down." After he finished, he jabbed a skeletal thumb at Rayden. "How much more does he have to drink before he loses consciousness?"  
  
Arak snorted. "He's not even close. He has the constitution of a Saurian. So what's next?"  
  
"Star Wars," Ranma said, rolling his eyes, "DUH."  
  
Arak glared as Death wrote it down.  
  
"Okay, good. Now we're getting somewhere."  
  
"We should also include Starcraft, Master of Orion I, II, and III, as well as Babylon 5," Arak noted.  
  
Ranma blinked as Death wrote it down. "When did he use Babylon 5? Has he even SEEN that show?"  
  
Arak shrugged. "I think he made fun of it once."  
  
"GRRRRRRAAAUGH!!!" All of the assembled characters jumped back as Rayden suddenly flipped the table over with both hands, scattering all the papers and books. "ALCOHOL... DROWNING MIND... VISION... GOING RED... MUST KILL!!!" He then turned around and stomped out of the room, looking for random innocent people to mutilate.  
  
".............. oh well. He'll tire himself out eventually," Ranma figured, turning back to the list.  
  
"Ooh! Ooh! I know another one!" Arak said brightly, "Jedi Knight II!"  
  
"Wait, doesn't Star Wars cover that?" Ranma asked, confused.  
  
Arak thought about it, then shrugged helplessly. "I'm not sure. It's a game that's made by a different creator than the movies."  
  
"Well, crud," Ranma then noted that Death was hanging his head. "Yo, reaper man, what's wrong?"  
  
"Aw, hell," Death muttered, pointing out the door after Rayden, "it's that drunk lummox out there. Every time he goes on an alcohol-induced rampage, I work overtime. The jerk."  
  
"We'll also have to include every Final Fantasy game ever made, just in case," Arak said, ignoring his companions.  
  
"And all the Command & Conquer games. Plus Metal Warriors. Oh! And-" Ranma's additions were cut off by a sudden beeping noise.  
  
Death sighed deeply and looked down at the beeper hanging on his hip. "There he goes. One down. Two... three...... seven?!" The skeletal incarnation then stalked angrily out the door. "At least kill them one at a time, you freak!!"  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes, then went back to picking up the table again. "Anyway, there's also Penny Arcade and MegaTokyo."  
  
Arak took up the list and began writing. "Morrowind... Warcraft..."  
  
"King of Fighters, Street Fighter, and Soul Caliber, plus Metroid and Star Fox," Ranma added, counting off on his fingers.  
  
"Plus Mony Python, Indiana Jones, and that curly-haired guy from Old School," Arak said, finishing the sheet of paper.  
  
Ranma blinked. "Just Will Farell?"  
  
"Yup," Arak confirmed, "he was the only thing worth taking from that whole stupid movie. That's one page."  
  
Ranma sighed. "And we're not even finished with TV shows and video games yet without adding Futurama and Fallout. And we haven't even gotten to anime or any fanfic authors other than that Temple guy."  
  
"We could just blame everything on the Temple guy and forget the other fanfic authors altogether."  
  
"What about the funny stuff?"  
  
Arak sighed miserably. "All right, all right... Do we need to include any religious proclamations involving Dr. Suekeiichi Kaiton and the glorious scripture that is his writing?"  
  
Ranma nodded. "Several. And then we can grab a few of those leftover deadwood characters from Nexus as ceremonial sacrifices."  
  
"Sweet," Arak concluded, then turned as sudden noise came from the entrance.  
  
*Bam!* The door burst open, and Rayden dashed in while giggling madly.  
  
"Oh, VERY FUNNY! Give me back my arm, or I swear, you're gonna be stuck in limbo until the universe implodes!" Death's voice came from a distance past the door, and Rayden merely waved the aforementioned limb in the air as a trophy.  
  
"Come and get it, bonehead!" The space pirate yelled, chucking the bony arm across the room.  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "You know, it would have been a big help if you had just stayed gone."  
  
Rayden blinked, and then looked at the list on the table. "Are you STILL working on this? Here, I'll do it!"  
  
Both Ranma and Arak blanched as Rayden snatched up the paper and began writing hastily.  
  
"No, wait! Stop! Oh... aw, damn..."  
  
Takahashi Soup  
  
by Black Dragon  
  
Revised disclaimer: I'm sorry about stealing all the stuff. Not the stuff from the space ships, just the stuff that the space ships are based on. This includes every action or sci-fi movie that's ever been made, plus Tremors and excluding E.T. I once blasted a guy who looked like E.T. once. And then I took his stuff. Anyway, the jokes mostly come from late night shows on Cartoon Network, so give the guys on Adult Swim a heads up. Same thing for all comedy anime, except Lost Universe, because I don't like Lost Universe. Not enough space pirates. And the space pirates that are there always lose. What's up with that, portraying space pirates as wimps? It's dumb. And so is Rahxephon, or however you spell it. Dammit, either have big robots fight, or have people shoot each other! We can't take this stupid metaphorical, enigmatic, try-to-guess-what-the-hell's-going-on plot! Wait, what was I doing? Oh yeah. I'd like to thank Josh Temple for screwing up BD's head; I never liked that dip. The disclaimer thing recognizes that much material, though technically not plagiarized, has been modified from other fanfic authors. Mainly, every fanfic author that dislikes Akane and can spell most of the words correctly. Also, Kaiton rocks, as does Jose Argao. And so do webcomics. And normal comics. Especially Calvin & Hobbes. I'm sleepy. I think my friends just planted a sedative in my neck, and my arm is on fire. I need a drink. I hope that (the disclaimer trails off into a series of incomprehensible ink smudges)  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Return of the Big Guy  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
[I can feel it. My mind, I mean. It's breaking apart, piece by piece. Every day, I can feel the precious sand that is sanity and peace slipping between the fingers of my mind, and I can do nothing but watch and cry as I descend slowly into the darkness. Blood stains the cage of my soul as my heart desperately tries to escape its black prison. But there is no hope. I'm not sure that there ever was hope.]  
  
[They've all betrayed me. Forsaken me. Stabbed me in the back and watched me bleed with their apathetic gazes. Ranma, Nabiki, Dad, even Kasumi simply sits and stares as I am torn, piece by piece, from the cold, fragile grip I have on reality. It doesn't matter to them. They cannot comprehend my suffering, and because they know this, they have not tried. I can feel them, my sisters, at night. Laughing. I can see them in my mind. Breathing happy sighs of relief that it wasn't them.]  
  
[I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Though it's been less than a week, it feels like an eternity. And every moment stretches on to infinity as I stare upon my black fate, the blight upon my soul, the evil parasite that waits outside my room, like a vile spider patiently awaiting his prey, waiting, waiting, waiting to satisfy his horrible pleasures.]  
  
[I have started making daily trips to nearby Shinto temples. Purification... meditation... it makes me feel less dirty. Less hunted. But still, even as the cold water creeps down my trembling form, still, I think of HIM, and suddenly I shudder and my spine turns to ice as I suddenly began to think it's HIM there around me, that it's HIS wet fingers trickling down my thighs, and in the darkness, I lash out blindly, trying to get away, clinging to that last bit of hope that my muscles can support my tainted spirit and shattered mind. I've been banned from three shrines already, due to having caused considerable property damage and hurting several people. I'm afraid that a fourth, which hasn't banned me yet, will have the authorities on standby to take me away if I show up again. But I must continue, I must try.]  
  
[They tell me I'm too anxious about this. That I'm paranoid. But they don't KNOW. They don't know what it's like to have those crawling, beady eyes on them. They don't know what it's like to be touched by those greasy, twitching hands. They've never had to stare so deeply into that hideous, leering face.]  
  
[I know that I don't have much time left until I finally snap. Maybe I've already snapped, and I just haven't realized it yet. But I do know that if I do go down - and, if this FILTH, this PARASITE stays, I will go down - I'll take that bastard and his arrogant good-for-nothing brother down with me.]  
  
Her hand twitching badly, Akane finished scrawling the last of the hiragana symbols and swallowed deeply, taking her time as she carefully closed her diary. After the book was closed, she took a key hidden in her sock and locked the hinge that kept the book sealed before sliding it under her bed.  
  
Realizing that her anxiousness had generated a light sheen of sweat over her body, Akane slowly made her way toward her bedroom door on the way to take a bath.  
  
Shuffling slowly, and casting nervous glances all about, she cautiously reached out for her doorknob.  
  
"AAAAAH!!! AAAAAH!!! AAAAAH!!!" A spark of static electricity from the brass knob had Akane scrambling away from the door screaming, until her body clamped her hands over her mouth in an act of good judgment totally independent from her mind.  
  
Akane's eyes slowly returned to their normal size, and she breathed deeply before taking her hands off her mouth. "It's okay... there's nothing wrong... just a little static shock... your room is NOT booby-trapped... that's right Akane, just get up and walk out..." her body slowly responded, as if a separate entity unattached to the head that was issuing it commands. "That's right, just walk out. Good girl! Yes, you are a good girl! We won't let that nasty Ataru get you! That's it! Just think happy thoughts..." Opening the door without further mishap, the youngest Tendo daughter made her way easily to the bathroom, mumbling to herself the whole way.  
  
Back in her room, there was a long moment of silence.  
  
*Shoop* Then her window opened, and Ataru flipped down from the window frame, taking a quick glance around to make sure the room was absolutely vacant.  
  
"Hum dee dum da dum," humming to himself, Ataru fished Akane's diary from beneath her bed, and then fished a pair of extra-thin tweezers and a piece of wire bent into a zig-zag pattern at the end from his pocket.  
  
"La dee da dee dah... one for the money, two for the babe, three yen says she loves me, I've got it made!" With that odd, pointless rhyme, Akane's lock gave way to Ataru's expert lockpicking skills, and he grinned as he flipped the book to the latest entry.  
  
"Let's see now............ darn. No proclamations of love for me... Wait! What's this about hands on her thighs?" He began to take a closer look at the end of the diary entry, rather than simply scanning for key words. "Whoa. Dark."  
  
Then he started at the beginning, reading all the way through. "Wow... these are way better than Ranma's journal entries!"  
  
"I KNEW IT!!" Ranma shouted, swinging through the window himself and kicking Ataru in the back.  
  
*Thud!* "Ow!" Ataru groaned as he got up, recovering the diary in the process.  
  
"I knew you were reading those! You always knew exactly what to do to piss me off! Plus, you always knew where I hid my cookies!" Ranma accused, holding a fist in front of him while he glared at his brother.  
  
Ataru chuckled weakly. "Yeah, uh... well, it's water under the bridge now, you know?" Then he frowned. "What are you doing here, anyway?"  
  
Ranma's angry demeanor melted. "I was, uh, waiting for you to finish, actually. These things are pretty good reading."  
  
"Okay, just give me a minute."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
In the deep recesses of space, the Hubble telescope floated in its tedious orbit, its complex optical machinery capturing data in an endless stream to be analyzed by countless scientific minds striving to unlock the secrets of the universe.  
  
One of those secrets was inadvertently answered when a bright blue flash appeared in front of the telescope, and a large saucer-shaped space ship with a tiger-stripe pattern blasted into realspace only meters from the viewing satellite.  
  
*WHAM!!!* The UFO swerved to avoid the Hubble, and ended up clipping the side of the device, launching twisted bits of broken metal into the vast emptiness of space, and sending the Hubble on a rapidly decaying orbit that would eventually cause the satellite to fall into the atmosphere and utterly crush and kill Prince Toma within his tree island in a horrible, tragic accident, to the great disappointment of no one.  
  
Had the telescope possessed the necessary equipment, it would have picked up a rather agitated tachyon pulse emission being beamed from the UFO that would have translated to something like "Where the hell did you learn to navigate?! Stay on the right side of the gymonin particle current, you moron!" followed by a transmission of a picture of a hand with the middle finger raised.  
  
Instead, the damaged, but still technically functional hunk of sophisticated machinery whirled around, and thus its cameras got a nice, good picture of a swarm of similar flying saucers emerging from hyperspace in a massive armada.  
  
The officials at NASA headquarters promptly excused themselves from their instruments, and the building resonated cheers and groans as one group of scientists handed over significant wads of cash to another group. A third group watched the exchange, then returned to their instruments to search the alien fleet for signs of Elvis, wishing to conclude their bets as well.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
*Slash!* *Bok!* *Thwack!* Kuno finished his final stroke with a flourish, turning on one foot as the head of the straw practice dummy bounced onto the ground and rolled away.  
  
Kuno grinned as he held his bokken straight up. "My dance of swords is both beautiful and horrifying, is it not, Sasuke?"  
  
In a tree far off in the corner of the garden, an unusually short man in Ninja clothes with a squirrelly face nodded eagerly. "Why yes master, that thought did cross my mind." Sasuke frowned. "But Master, I must ask, are these practice dummies supposed to be effigies of a sort? They seem rather plain, but I couldn't help but notice that half of them have dead brown grass for hair, while the others have black wigs with attached pigtails."  
  
Kuno snorted. "Sasuke, your skills of perception once again astound me."  
  
Sasuke goggled slightly at the praise, and hastily bowed while blushing. "Th-Thank you Master! I-"  
  
"I was being sarcastic, you idiot!" Kuno yelled, gritting his teeth, "for ANY fool can see that these weathered sacks have been painstakingly crafted to resemble those two wretches that dare interfere in the affairs of my heart! The ones with brown hair are the very image of the repugnant lecher, Ataru Saotome, and the ones that bear pigtails, the perfect resemblance of his Neanderthal brother, Ranma Saotome!"  
  
Sasuke sweatdropped, but nodded. He knew better than to tell his master that he had no idea who those people were; as a Ninja retainer, it was his responsibility to go out of his way to find out about Tatewaki's latest obsessions so that he may offer advice. Not that anybody ever listened to him, but still, it was his job.  
  
"I see Master. And what exactly have these foolish mortals done to warrant your wrath?" Sasuke asked curiously.  
  
"HA!!" Kuno barked, jabbing his wooden weapon into the air, "the lecher has committed the very gravest of crimes, Sasuke: he hath molested that divine flower which I worship, the fierce and lovely Akane Tendo! She herself asked for my aid in vanquishing him, and at her will, I strike!"  
  
Sasuke sweatdropped again. Since the school had been destroyed, Kuno had spent the week striking at nothing but straw dummies, and Sasuke had to wonder if his master even knew where Akane lived, for all he doted on her.  
  
Wait a minute. Doted on Akane?  
  
"But Master, what about your most recent obses-er-love? I believe you were stalk-uh-courting the graceful and beautiful Miss Sakura?" Kuno had, a little over two weeks ago, replaced half the Akane posters in his room with one of a gorgeous raven-haired woman in a nurse's garb, and ranted about a heavenly priestess coming to care for him. Then, two days before the school was destroyed, the Kuno residence had received a restraining order in the mail referring to the same woman, along with school orders for young Tatewaki to seek medical care off the premises in the future. The Kuno lawyers had and still were fighting the restraining order, but Sasuke was still wondering if his master had actually given up that pursuit in the short time before he had been forced to abandon Furinkan.  
  
Fat chance. "Oh, my heavenly priestess! Divine angel that brings men back from the light of death itself! What simpleton would dare suggest that I break her tender, fragile heart with the pursuit of another?"  
  
Sasuke blinked, then nodded seriously. "I see Master. So then, you are giving up on the lady Tendo?"  
  
*Thwack!* *Thud!* Sasuke yelped as a thrown rock to his forehead sent him hurtling to the ground. "Owwwww..."  
  
"You fool! Akane Tendo, as powerful as she is, could not bear such a trial either, were I to deny her my heart! With no other choice in sight, the path is clear: I would take them both, so that both can warm their hearts by my touch!"  
  
Sasuke rubbed his head as he got up, wondering if Kuno's explanation was actually his own, or produced by the head wound generated from the rock. Then, after a moment, his head DID clear, and he answered his own question easily.  
  
"Of course, Master. I believe you were saying something about the men which these dummies represent?"  
  
Kuno blinked. "Ah, yes! Of course! And the pigtailed ones are effigy to that vile scoundrel, Ranma Saotome, who dared to perform the most vile of grievances by interfering in an exaction of vengeance against the former miscreant!"  
  
Sasuke blinked. "Master, you refer to the act of Ataru as the gravest of crimes, and the act of Ranma as the vilest of grievances. Which is the more serious of the misdeeds?"  
  
*Whack!* "Ow!" Sasuke whimpered as Kuno's bokken came down on his head.  
  
"Idiot! Keep your simplistic questions to yourself!" Kuno growled. Then he rested his bokken on his shoulder and looked up toward the sky.  
  
"Ah, look! A shooting star! If you even HAVE ambitions, Sasuke, feel free to wish upon it." Kuno lowered his head and grinned. "No doubt a man of such pitiful stature must want for something. As for myself, I possess all that a man could desire."  
  
Sasuke gulped as he rubbed the two bumps on his head. "Master, I don't wish to ruin the mood, but I have serious doubts as to the nature of that... 'shooting star'. For one thing, it's noon, and the sun is out. For another, that object appears far too close to be in the regions of space. And lastly, it moves too slowly to be any sort of natural projectile..." Sasuke trailed off as his mind followed his own words to the most obvious (not likely, but given this was Nerima, obvious) conclusion.  
  
"No way! It's a UFO!" Ataru yelled, leaking gasoline on the ground in a trail behind him.  
  
"You jest!" Kuno yelled, looking up once more at the sky. "You jest not!" Sure enough, a flying saucer floated overhead, moving toward a specific point in the city. It had a silvery metal core that was spherical in shape, and around that was a large ring section with a tiger-stripe pattern that rotated independent of the core.  
  
"Oh my gosh, there are more of them!" Ataru yelled, pointing to the sky, "it's an invasion!"  
  
"You're right!" Sasuke shouted, trembling, "they've come to conquer Earth! We have... to......" then the retainer Ninja turned around and stared at the teenager behind him, "wait, who are you?"  
  
*Whack!" "Ow!"  
  
"Moron!" Kuno yelled, momentarily distracted from the space fleet, "is it not obvious that he's the one the effigies around me are supposed to represent?!" He then went back to staring at the sky.  
  
"Of-Of course Master!" Sasuke said hastily, rubbing his thrice-bruised cranium. Looking at the dummies and then back at Ataru, Sasuke guessed correctly that he was the brother without the pigtail. "So... what are you doing here? And what's with the gasoline can?"  
  
*Clang!* "OW!!" Sasuke grit his teeth in pain as the metal can bounced off his head.  
  
"Isn't it obvious?!" Ataru yelled, looking indignant.  
  
Sasuke nodded hastily, his conditioned response taking over. "Of course! Forgive me!"  
  
"Sure," Ataru mumbled, fishing in his pocket, "just give this to your master." Ataru handed him a letter, then produced a match and struck it on the sole of his shoe.  
  
Sasuke stared at the letter and blinked. Then he turned toward Kuno, who was gaping at the sky two feet away.  
  
Slowly, he began to turn back toward Ataru. "Pardon, but why-WHOA!!!"  
  
*Fwoom!* The retainer Ninja's eyes widened as he beheld the Kuno mansion engulfed in flames, with dark clouds of smoke slowly rising into the midday sky. Ataru was nowhere to be seen.  
  
In the midst of his gaping, Kuno eventually inhaled some of the air around him, and inevitably smelled his home burning.  
  
"*Gasp!* The vile invaders have already begun their offensive! They've destroyed the Kuno stronghold!"  
  
Sasuke chuckled weakly, and held up the letter. "Actually, the arson was just here, and left this message for you, Master Kuno. Furthermore, the arson was-"  
  
Without waiting for his servant's explanation, Kuno snatched up the letter and opened it. " 'My dearest windbag: If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your grubby paws off my girl.' Ah, wait, it says 'my brother's girl.' There are extra words written in the margin and placed with little arrows. Hmmm. 'This is a warning. Next time I'll get you, or maybe your crocodile in the front. I mean, I'm not going to bother trying to light the crocodile on fire, at least, not if it's in the pool, but I'll think of something nasty to do to it. Seriously, why do you keep that thing out? It seems like-' " Kuno yawned as the letter continued dragging on.  
  
Sasuke gulped as he watched sections of the Kuno household collapse, vital supports having been burned through to ash. "Master, shouldn't we call the fire depar-*Whack!* Ow!"  
  
"Silence Sasuke! Whoever wrote this drivel is apparently incapable of being brief. I will skip to the final sentence. 'Anyway, that's why your Buddha statue is covered in fish scales and has a spraypainted mohawk now; don't bother trying to charge me for the damage, and don't you dare even think of bothering my innocent and loving brother, Ataru, because if you do I'll beat your ass all the way to Taiwan. Sincerely, Ranma Saotome.' " Kuno twitched.  
  
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Ranma? Pardon Master, but I actually believe it was-"  
  
"RANMA!!!" Kuno yelled, gritting his teeth and throwing his arms into the air, "you have crossed the final line, wretch!! I will track you down and squeeze the life from your bones!!" Then he noticed something on the bottom of the letter, which he was holding in the air within his clenched fist. "What's this? 'PS: I noticed a girl's room while I was looking around your house for neat stuff to loot. Do you have a sister, and, if so, is she hot?' " Kuno twitched again. Then he took some writing materials out of his pockets and set them next to him. "Sasuke! Take a letter!"  
  
The Ninja retainer gulped, and cast a final look at the Kuno household before sighing and squatting down next to his master, taking up the brush.  
  
"'Dear most foul enemy: I see naught in this criminal act but a clear and despicable declaration of blood feud, and I will respond in kind. I will come to thee to take your life soon, though my offense will be an open challenge, and not cowardly sabotage. I invite thee to spend thy remaining moments living life to the fullest extent possible, as I will soon extinguish your mortal flame, and do not wish to deprive you of ample time to prepare for death. Best wishes until I destroy you, Tatewaki Kuno.' " Kuno then cleared his throat. " 'PS: While my sister Kodachi does possess an attractive bodice, I would strongly advise thee to take thy affections elsewhere, as her personality leaves much to be desired.' "  
  
Sasuke sighed as he finished writing the letter, knowing full well that no good would come of this.  
  
Kuno let a lone tear escape from his eyes as he gripped his hand into a fist and looked up at the heavens. 'Ranma Saotome, you will pay dearly for this offense!'  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Ah, Earth! It's been far too long since I've last been here!" Mr. Invader grinned as his command ship floated over Nerima at a leisurely pace, the entire might of the royal Oni space fleet floating along behind it. Then he sighed. "It's quite unfortunate really. Lum was somewhat interested in this marriage proposal I had going. But if the Senate says Earth's gotta go, then Earth's gotta go."  
  
The giant alien leaned back in his command chair, rubbing his chin. "I just hope I don't run into the hero of the Earth again. That would be quite awkward, at this point."  
  
"SIR!! We have a serious problem!!" An technician shouted from his post, obviously panicking.  
  
"What?! What is it?!" Mr. Invader jumped up from his command chair, looking up wildly.  
  
The technician gulped. "S-Sir... we're blind! Our sensors have been blacked out by a smokescreen!"  
  
Mr. Invader blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he growled and grabbed the technician by the front of his tiger-striped jumpsuit.  
  
"What are you talking about?! We have the most advanced sensors in the galaxy! Immune to the most sophisticated forms of jamming and countermeasures! Why, they have only one weakness at all!" Suddenly his eyes widened in horror. "No..."  
  
The technician sighed and nodded slowly. "Yes. A large wood fire sprung up directly below us as we were cruising, and we were directly in the center of the heat vortex when we were hit."  
  
Mr. Invader let go of his subordinate, slowly backing away. "Burnt carbon fiber, delivered in a concentrated stream at a temperature just higher than the that of the air around it... Curses! How did they know?!"  
  
The technician shrugged helplessly as other crew members scrambled about in panic. "It seems impossible for them to have gathered that information, but somehow they did. And then they managed to trap us in their primitive smokescreen using a method that we couldn't possibly see coming: a sudden bonfire that was ignited right below our path at exactly the right moment."  
  
"These Terrans are tactical geniuses!" Mr. Invader shouted in dismay, sweating slightly. "But no matter! The attack must commence!"  
  
"But what should we do?" A different crew member asked, pointing to the numerous screens around her that displayed static, "all our instruments are scrambled! With this smokescreen up, we can barely see where we're going!"  
  
Mr. Invader started to sweat some more, considering his options. Calling the rest of the fleet and asking them to come out of standby to find them and assist them in flying blind could cause great panic and a huge loss of morale in the main forces, as well as exposing a large, disorganized force to a potentially very organized ambush. Of course, NOT calling them and simply wandering about until they crashed or was taken down by that same ambush wasn't much better.  
  
"Sir? What should we do?"  
  
Mr. Invader sighed. "I'm afraid that I don't have a solution... so I'm going to do what my wife always tells me to do in these situations."  
  
The saucer crew exchanged cautious glances.  
  
"Prepare to land! We're going to ask for directions!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Aw man, you've gotta be kidding me..." Ranma mumbled sourly, watching from a rooftop as the smoke-covered saucer slowly began to land in the backyard of the Tendo Dojo. "Figures they'd land where we're staying. Stupid aliens."  
  
Ranma was about to go back home to investigate, when something down the street caught his eye. Ataru was running around in circles with a large, bulging sack over his back, being chased by an unusually large crocodile with a collar that said [Mr. Green Turtle] on it.  
  
Ranma immediately forgot about the UFO, and scratched his chin as he decided whether to save his brother or sit back and watch.  
  
Eventually duty won out over amusement, and Ranma jumped across the rooftops toward Ataru's position. Then he made a final leap off of the last house, and landed in a crushing two-legged stomp right on the large reptile's head.  
  
Ataru blinked, then grinned. "Hey, thanks! That stupid thing's been chasing me for a while now! Every time I think I've lost it, it finds me again. I think it smelled something in my sack of swag."  
  
"Yes, speaking of swag sacks..." Ranma sighed, jerking his head toward the column of smoke rising into the air, "it wasn't anybody I liked, was it?"  
  
Ataru snorted. "It was Kuno."  
  
Ranma nodded, apparently deeming the act of destruction and theft acceptable. "All right then. Find any good stuff?"  
  
Ataru dropped the bag in front of him and started rifling through it. "Not so much good as valuable. This'll fetch some mighty good cookies."  
  
"......... Do you mean actual cookies, or are you using that as a metaphor that I probably don't want to hear explained?"  
  
"Take your pick," Ataru muttered, swinging the sack back over his shoulder. "By the way, did you see a bunch of UFOs pass by here?"  
  
Ranma nodded. "Yeah. One of them got lost in the smoke and just landed in the Tendos' backyard."  
  
"You're kidding!" Ataru exclaimed, his eyes widening. "Whoa... alien invaders dropping by the place where we're staying..." he paused and let that sink in for a moment. "So, are we going to go home now and investigate, or should we check into a hotel until everything's over?"  
  
"I would advise you check into a hotel. For as long as possible, actually."  
  
Both Ranma and Ataru blinked, then turned around to look at who had spoken.  
  
A short old man stood behind them, standing in the middle of the street. He was wearing the clothes of a Buddhist monk, complete with a monk's staff and a large conical straw hat.  
  
Ranma resisted a sudden, inexplicable urge to punt the old man like a football. "Uh... who are you?"  
  
"My name is Cherry, a wandering monk," the elderly man explained, "and you two are doomed!"  
  
Ranma and Ataru stared blankly at the man for a moment.  
  
Soon, Ranma broke the silence. "Oh yeah, I'm doomed all right. Doomed to spend the rest of my life putting up with freaks."  
  
Ataru shrugged. "Okay, fair enough. So... why are we doomed?"  
  
"I can see it in your features!" Cherry exclaimed, shuddering, "such horrible luck! You must have been born under a terrible sign!" Then Cherry cocked his head to one side. "But you both have precisely the same luck! How is it you were both born under identical signs?"  
  
Ranma sighed deeply. "We're fraternal twins. I'm only a few minutes older than Ataru."  
  
"Ah, I see. You have my sympathies," Cherry said, bowing.  
  
"For having the same sign, or being his brother?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Oh, the hell with this!" Ataru yelled, stomping away toward the dojo, "this is stupid! I have swag to pawn off; I don't have time to waste listening to this superstitious stuff!"  
  
"NO!!!" Cherry yelled in horror, "don't go that way! Any way but that way! That path leads to the very worst luck!"  
  
Ataru flinched and stopped, and then shrugged and turned around.  
  
"NO!!! Stop you fool! You'll be killed!!"  
  
Ataru twitched, and turned ninety degrees to the right.  
  
"Oh, the horror! Please, I beg of you, halt!!"  
  
"WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GO IF EVERY DIRECTION IS BAD LUCK?!?!" Ataru screeched, fuming.  
  
Cherry leaned on his staff, shaking his head. "Oh, the sorrow... to face such terrible circumstances at such a young age."  
  
"I've heard enough," Ranma muttered, walking past Cherry toward his brother.  
  
"No! You mustn't! You'll simply follow him into the depths of misfortune!"  
  
"Believe me, I'm used to it by now," Ranma assured the old monk sourly.  
  
"You don't understand!" Cherry insisted, shaking his head, "I see a dark curse upon you! People like yourselves are plagued by terrible luck all their lives, but today I can sense the energies peaking! If you continue on your current path..." Cherry trailed off as he noticed Ranma and Ataru split up, each one stepping onto the nearest sidewalk. "Uh... why are you-" *WHAM!!*  
  
Ranma and Ataru watched as Cherry sailed into the sky, courtesy of a 1995 Mitsubishi.  
  
"I guess age doesn't bring wisdom after all, if he hasn't even learned not to stand in the middle of the road without paying attention," Ranma concluded, heading off for the Tendo Dojo.  
  
Ataru snorted. "He doesn't know what he's talking about. Hell, I'm doing better than ever! I even got a date this past week!"  
  
Ranma nodded. "True. You even got lucky, didn't you?"  
  
Ataru blinked, then sighed. "Yeah, I wish."  
  
"Well, she agreed to go out with you again, didn't she?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"I'd call that pretty darn lucky for you," Ranma concluded, "now let's go find those aliens."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Mr. Invader, attended to by a pair of embarrassed Oni officers, sweatdropped and twiddled his thumbs as Genma held his face in his hands. Across the room, Soun and Nabiki gaped at the exchange going on. Kasumi and Akane were the only ones with calm demeanor; the former because she needed to be polite for her guests, and the latter because she had decided that the aliens were merely the latest batch of hallucinations she had been suffering recently.  
  
"Come on! We had a deal! You weren't supposed to invade Earth!" Genma insisted, his arms crossed over his chest as he looked at the giant in front of him crossly.  
  
Mr. Invader sighed, cursing his luck. Out of all the places he could have landed to inquire about the location of the capital, why did he have to land at the residence of the hero of the Earth? "Uh... well, I'm sorry Mr. Hero, but some other things came up, and it turns out I have to conquer Earth now. If I don't, they might slap me with a court martial and start slashing the Oni military budget!"  
  
Nabiki twitched. " 'Mr. Hero'?"  
  
"I'm not interested in your selfish excuses!" Genma shouted sternly, "we had a deal, and I expect you to honor it! After all, I've upheld my part of the bargain!" he smirked slightly.  
  
"Ah, so you have a son after all," Mr. Invader said, "well... maybe they can be married anyway! Why, I'll even grant your family a reprieve and not make you slaves!"  
  
Soun's eyes bulged. "Married? What?! Saotome, what is the meaning of this?!"  
  
Genma coughed loudly, holding up a hand in front of Soun's face. "Not NOW, Tendo..." Then he turned toward the Oni leader we had a DEAL, alien, and if you're going to ignore your obligation, I'm certainly not going to uphold mine." Underneath his bandanna, Genma was sweating. He desperately hoped that the alien wanted the engagement enough to forestall the attack, but if he didn't, Genma had no doubt that he would accept any chance he had of getting out of slavery.  
  
"Well, I am sorry to hear that... but I simply can't call off this invasion! It was ordered by the Senate! Turning back now could be construed as an act of treason! I hope you understand, but it has significant precedence over our childrens' union!" Mr. Invader sighed deeply. "Now, can someone please tell me how to get to your national capitol? I have a war to attend to."  
  
"Oh! Certainly!" Kasumi put down the tray of tea and began writing down directions on a pad of paper to hand to the alien.  
  
Genma was sweating now. The only option left to save the Earth that he could see would be to demand a chance to fight as hero of the Earth, like he had been called upon to do last time, and take on the entire Oni invasion force himself. Yeah, right.  
  
"Pardon me, sir," of the officers said, distracting his superior from his brooding, "but if you do seek a way to spare Earth... there IS an obscure diplomatic code that you could employ. It would probably not be of any use to these Terrans, but it's better than nothing, I suspect."  
  
"Hm? What's that?" Mr. Invader asked.  
  
"Well, according to planetary conquest rulebook #3, chapter 21, paragraph 8, interplanetary diplomatic marriages are considered of borderline import when considering invasion plans, and can be used to nullify the wartime declaration."  
  
The humans in the room sweatdropped, but their attentions remained riveted on the officer.  
  
"Specifically, the code calls for a contest of skill between the bride and groom. Theoretically, even though they're married, neither will want his or her race to lose and be shamed, though supposedly, if one member of the union loves the other enough, he or she will forfeit, resulting in a fluke outcome." The officer shrugged. "It's a rather absurd code of conduct, which is why it isn't utilized often."  
  
"Well it will be utilized now!" Genma shouted, "what test of skill is required?!"  
  
"Speed and coordination," the officer explained, "the groom will have ten days to catch the bride. On each day they are to start at the same time, with the bride given a four-meter head start. If the groom fails to touch a certain part of the bride, in this case, her horns, before she reaches a certain 'safe point', in this case, her flying saucer, then that day's race is concluded as a win for the bride's race. If, at any point, the groom race manages to successfully touch the horns of the bride during the designated racing period, then he and his race is automatically hailed as the victor."  
  
"So..." Nabiki rolled the description of events over in her head, "it's a game of tag?"  
  
"Precisely." The humans sweatdropped.  
  
"And this will allow me to legally withdraw from Earth?" Mr. Invader asked hopefully.  
  
"And this will save me from becoming either a slave or a cowardly outcast?" Genma asked more hopefully.  
  
The officer shrugged. "Potentially. Though I question any Terran's ability to keep up with us."  
  
"HA!!" Genma laughed, grinning, "you just wait! My sons happen to be two of the fastest people you'll ever meet!"  
  
Mr. Invader blinked. "Sons? As in more than one?"  
  
Genma nodded. "That's right. I happen to have two of them. So, if things do work out, I can honor our agreement and still keep my promise to you, Tendo."  
  
Soun frowned, then sighed. "I suppose you're right, Saotome. This is the future of all of mankind, after all."  
  
"Very well then!" Mr. Invader yelled, and then tapped a communicator on his wrist. "Lum? Could you come down here please? We have a little proposition to discuss concerning the fate of the Earth..."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma stopped short as his hand reached out for the doorknob, and cast a hesitant look out at the tiger-striped flying saucer sitting in the backyard, its normally shiny metal surface dusty with ash.  
  
"Come on, come on! I wanna see what the aliens look like! Hundred yen says they have tentacles!"  
  
"Tentacles?" Ranma scoffed, opening the door, "what is this, a hentai flick?"  
  
"If only," Ataru sighed sadly, shifting the weight of the sack on his shoulders.  
  
"Hey Pop," Ranma greeted casually as he entered the living room, and mentally cursed as he looked at the aliens. 'No tentacles. Dang, should've taken that bet.' "Welcome to Earth, fellas," with that general greeting, Ranma turned toward the stairs and headed toward his room.  
  
"Now wait Ranma! Don't leave just yet!" Genma shouted, grabbing his son by the back of the shirt.  
  
Ranma blinked. "Why not? They wanna talk to me or something?"  
  
"Indeed we do, young man," Mr. Invader said, grinning.  
  
Ataru was still at the doorway to the living room, having peeked in rather than simply entered (he wasn't so confident in his ability to protect himself should the invaders prove hostile). When he caught sight of the aliens, he was perplexed at first. And then he caught sight of the female, who was standing at the back, smiling.  
  
Bare, luscious curves greeted him as his eyes traveled over every inch of her body, which was insufficiently clothed in a bikini that appeared to be made of tiger fur. The girl's round, perky breasts settled perfectly in the revealing bra, allowing any beholder to see an eyeful of cleavage no matter their perspective. Finally, the head revealed a cute face with flawless complexion, framed by long tresses of dark green hair, the sideburns of which were wrapped into twin odangos that hung loosely next to the alien's chest.  
  
Ataru was amazed that these aliens were so human-like; in fact, the only way he could tell she wasn't of his species was that she had elongated canines, and also possessed two short, little yellow horns that sat upon her head.  
  
"Tag?" Ranma asked, snapping Ataru out of his drooling catatonia.  
  
Mr. Invader nodded. "That's right. If you win, then the Earth will be spared without my suffering any legal penalties. If you lose, then all of mankind is doomed to an eternity of enslavement and suffering."  
  
Ranma raised an eyebrow as he looked at the gigantic alien before him. "I don't think that's gonna be a problem. I mean, seriously, you guys have mastered interplanetary space travel, but you haven't figured out how to build a treadmill yet? You see, we humans have this wonderful invention called a 'gym'-"  
  
*Ahem!* Genma cleared his throat, bigsweating, "Ranma, I don't think it's the best time to be cracking jokes like that..."  
  
"I 'aint joking," Ranma insisted, crossing his arms over his chest, "I can't play tag with this weather balloon! Hell, if I just closed my eyes and ran in a random direction, I'd have a 50-50 chance to touch him!" A vein popped up on Mr. Invader's head, and he clenched his hands into fists.  
  
"Maybe," said a feminine voice from behind the overweight extraterrestrial, "but it won't be him you'll be facing."  
  
Ranma frowned as a teenage girl stepped out from behind Mr. Invader and openly appraised him.  
  
"So you're the son of the hero of Earth, huh? I guess I could do worse."  
  
A large sweatdrop rolled down Ranma's head. "The son of WHO?"  
  
Genma chuckled and clapped Ranma on the shoulders. "Never mind that, boy! The point is, you're going to get to play tag with this lovely young woman!"  
  
The alien nodded. "My name is Lum! You'll have ten days to touch my horns in a game of tag, or you lose!" She giggled and winked at him.  
  
"So that's your game, huh?" Ranma asked, raising an eyebrow. Then he smirked, and extended a hand for Lum to shake. "All right Miss alien, I'll-"  
  
"NO!! LET ME DO IT!!" Ataru yelled, launching himself forward and grabbing onto Ranma's leg.  
  
"Wh-What the?" Ranma blinked in surprise as Ataru began begging at him.  
  
"Please! Please! PLEASE let me play tag with her!!"  
  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Gee, I wonder why you're so eager," Ranma deadpanned, "don't you think that this is a job more suited for me?"  
  
"What, are you joking?!" Ataru yelled, indignant, "NOBODY can best Ataru Saotome at chasing girls!"  
  
Sitting nearby on the other side of the dinner table, Akane began to tremble violently, and cracks began to appear in the tea cup in her hands.  
  
"I'm afraid that's out of the question!" Soun said sternly, his arms crossed over his chest. "Ataru will marry Akane, and that's final!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" The occupants of the room, with the exception of Kasumi, all fell over backward as Akane screamed at the top of her lungs, waving her arms around like a madwoman.  
  
"The dark hand! It's coming for me!! Don't let it get me!! AIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!" Still screeching at the top of her lungs, Akane turned around and fled up the stairs to her room.  
  
Kasumi sighed. "Oh my. It looks like Akane needs her medicine again." Opening the closet next to the living room, she withdrew a dart gun, a hypodermic dart, and a bottle of horse tranquilizer before heading up the stairs herself, expertly preparing the device in her arms for use as she went. Everyone left in the room sweatdropped.  
  
Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "Truth be told, she's taking the prospect of marrying Ataru way better than I thought she would, considering how much she hates perverts." Everyone else left in the room sweatdropped again.  
  
It was about this time that Nabiki noticed Ataru's sack, which had opened when Ataru had dropped it to attach himself to Ranma's leg. "Whoa, what's this? Where'd you get all this stuff?"  
  
"That's a donation to the 'Please don't burn down my house again' fund," Ataru stated simply, letting go of his brother and sitting down cross-legged, "it's a very worthy cause. Well, if you don't have insurance, anyway."  
  
*Ahem!* Mr. Invader cleared his throat, focusing all attention in the room on him. "Can we get back to business now?"  
  
"Oh, right!" Ranma said, clapping his hands together. He promptly turned toward Soun. "What does Ataru's engagement have to do with this?"  
  
Soun opened his mouth to reply, only to have Genma shove him aside and answer before he could.  
  
"Nothing, really! Nothing at all! Soun was just worried that Ataru would... you know... take advantage of the situation... and then Akane would... er, get... mad... or something." Genma trailed off shrugging, and Ranma raised an eyebrow.  
  
"While that actually is a believable excuse, you said it in a really unbelievable way," Ranma said dryly, "what are you hiding?"  
  
"Uh, pardon me, but can I see you two gentlemen for a moment?" Genma and Soun turned away as the officer who had originally come up with this whole stupid plan beckoned to them, and walked over, eventually falling into a huddle with the officer and Mr. Invader.  
  
"Now, realistically, since this marriage is pending, both of the boys are technically an option, right?" Mr. Invader asked.  
  
Soun opened his mouth to protest. Genma slapped a hand over his mouth and nodded.  
  
"Well then," the large Oni explained, "since the race has no legal connection with the marriage, whoever races my daughter doesn't necessarily have to marry her. In this case, both boys are considered eligible fiances, and thus eligible contestants. The engagement is separate from the race, so the actual marriage arrangements have nothing to do with this."  
  
"All technically true," the subordinate Oni said, shrugging. "We're bending the conquest codes as it is, so I'm certain that little technicality doesn't make any difference."  
  
Soun frowned. "I still don't like it! Saotome, you saw how he was looking at that girl! What if he tries something with her?"  
  
Genma rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm sure that it would just shatter poor little Akane's heart to see Ataru touch another woman," he said sarcastically. After only a week, the Tendo/Saotome agreement was starting to look bad even to him. "Ataru will race. Ranma will marry. Deal?"  
  
Mr. Invader grinned and nodded. "Deal!"  
  
Ranma frowned, unable to hear the hushed whispering coming from the huddle across the room. "I don't like this."  
  
"Well it's too late now," Ataru insisted, "you already said I could race her!" *Thonk!* "Ow!"  
  
"FIRST of all," Ranma began, raising his fist from Ataru's head, "I never said you could take my place, I only didn't turn you down yet. SECOND of all, that wasn't what I was talking about!"  
  
Ataru snorted, focusing most of his attention on alien teenager across the room behind the huddle. "What, you're worried about what Pop and Mr. Tendo are gonna cook up? Get real!"  
  
"The last time Pop came up with a stupid idea, I had to electrocute the principal and ended up burning the school down," Ranma reasoned.  
  
"That wasn't entirely his fault."  
  
"Yeah, but I'm entirely blaming it on him."  
  
Ataru nodded sagely, and began rifling through his sack of swag, searching for an object that could be used as a weapon if Ranma's hunch proved correct. He wasn't planning on using it, but it was always more fun to see Ranma lay the smackdown with a heavy blunt object in hand.  
  
"Well, we've decided!" Genma and Soun faced their children along with the aliens. "Ataru will race against Lum!"  
  
"SCORE!!" Ataru shouted, pumping his fist in the air. Then he pointed at Lum, a bit of drool escaping from his lips. "You're MINE, babe!"  
  
Lum smirked, posing seductively as she leaned back on the wall. "I might not be so easy to catch."  
  
"Forget it baby! Nothing's going to keep me away from you!" Ataru leered, still drooling.  
  
Ranma calmly placed a hand under his brother's jaw and pushed it up, stemming the flow of saliva. "Save some drive for the actual race, woudja? Yeesh."  
  
With a disgusted grunt, Ranma shoved his hands in his pockets and walked upstairs.  
  
'This has the makings of a HUGE disaster...'  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
*And here we are, live, at the scene of a match that will determine the fate of mankind itself!*  
  
Ranma looked up at the loudspeakers expressionlessly as he stood on the side of the starting line. The short section of road had been outfitted with a number of grandstands for spectators, and commentators were stationed in towers on the right side of the street with their microphones wired into temporary speaker towers.  
  
Next to him, Shinobu Miyake stood with her hands clasped together anxiously, awaiting the beginning of the race.  
  
Ranma looked over at her. "So, you're Shinobu, huh? I'm Ranma."  
  
"Oh! Hello!" Shinobu bowed, and Ranma returned it. "So you're Ataru's brother? He's told me so much about you!"  
  
Ranma nodded. "For his sake, I won't tell you anything about him." Then he moved his face a little closer to hers.  
  
Shinobu blinked and leaned backward as Ranma stared into her eyes, a bit uncomfortable. "Uh... is there something wrong?"  
  
"Naw. Sorry about that." Ranma turned back toward the race, his hands in his pockets. "It's just that I've never met a girl that could actually stand to go on a date with Ataru. I admire that kind of iron will. I really do. To actually have the patience to look past... well... who he is, basically, and look for... uh...... well, point is, you actually like him."  
  
Shinobu sweatdropped. "He's not THAT bad..."  
  
Ranma swallowed nervously, and began to twiddle his thumbs, an action that utterly confused Shinobu.  
  
"I guess... what I'm trying to say is..."  
  
Shinobu began to feel nervous herself as Ranma looked her in the eyes again.  
  
"PLEASE don't break up with him!" Ranma finally asked, clasping his hands together and falling to his knees in a begging position. "He's been so much more tolerable this past week! Just, keep going out with him, please!"  
  
*Thud!* With her face planted firmly on the sidewalk, Shinobu failed to reply.  
  
Ataru chuckled darkly as he stood at the starting line, his eyes fixed on the rear of the girl in front of him. 'This is going to be SO awesome!' Ataru was giddy with excitement. Chasing girls had been a lifetime hobby for him, and a rather unrewarding one at that. The chance to finally utilize his most prized skill (one with absolutely no practical application) in a contest to save the world was simply an opportunity he couldn't pass up.  
  
Lum turned toward him and winked, causing a shudder of excitement to surge through the young lecher's body.  
  
"I hope you're ready to run, terran!" Lum taunted, sticking her tongue out playfully.  
  
Ataru grinned. "I'm always ready to run!"  
  
*And here we have the beginning of the race of the century!* A loudspeaker next to the track blasted, *Ataru Saotome has ten races to run in ten days, in which time he must manage to catch the alien princess Lum and touch her horns, or all of Earth is subject to extraterrestrial invasion and domination! Usually us commentators are supposed to remain neutral on who the winner will be, but I think that given the circumstances, I can speak for most here when I say that Ataru had better damn well win this thing!*  
  
A lone man then walked up to the starting line, and then raised a pistol into the air.  
  
*We'd like to take this time to remind you that Yamada's Bean Cake & Pastry Shoppe will be open late hours tonight, and is having a special 'end of the world 1/2 off' sale! Japan's best bean cakes, at 1/2 off! Buy now, before all of humanity is enslaved! Remember Yamada's motto: There are no beans in forced labor camps!*  
  
*Blam!!*  
  
Ataru started off at a slow jog as the gun went off, and grinned expectantly as Lum simply stood her ground, watching him.  
  
Even as Ataru sped up slightly, Ranma was already shaking his head on the sidelines, knowing that the alien princess was up to something.  
  
Ataru, however, had never let little things like that stop him.  
  
"Gotcha!" he yelled, lunging for the scantily-clad competitor. He was amazed that he hadn't even had to use his near-superhuman running speed, and was almost curious as to why Lum taunted him so much, if she was just going to give up.  
  
*Thud!* He was also amazed at how his opponent zipped upward into the air out of his reach, apparently free from any restraint posed by gravity.  
  
"Wh-What?!" Ataru gasped, watching as the greenhead stuck her tongue out at him. "No fair! Nobody told me you could fly!"  
  
Lum giggled as she floated ten feet up in the air, hugging her legs to herself. "You didn't do your homework!"  
  
"Oh, right! Like anyone can just walk to the local library and look up 'traits of supernatural alien babes'!" Ataru protested, shaking a fist in the air angrily.  
  
Lum stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry.  
  
Ataru grit his teeth. 'This... is not what I expected...'  
  
Ataru Saotome's inarguably superhuman agility and speed was of a very peculiar nature. Besides the fact that his ability to dodge and zip around with impossible fluidity and skill was apparently a function totally independent from his brain (which was probably a good thing, anyway), his jumping ability was something of half that of his brother's, and roughly a tenth as graceful. When running, Ataru was an easy match for anyone, but once the contest left the ground he was in unfamiliar territory.  
  
This was once again testament to Genma's complete and utter failure to impress the offensive aspects of Anything-Goes upon him, as the style specialized in mid-air combat and maneuvers. But then again, Ataru had understandably made the assumption that all he'd use it for is chasing girls (which was correct), and that those girls would be, if anything, more solidly Earthbound than he would (concerning this matter he was wrong, though it's difficult to imagine how he could have predicted otherwise).  
  
'Uh oh. Maybe I should have left this to Ranma after all,' Ataru thought, sweating as he scratched his head.  
  
Just three meters away and above the young lecher, Lum floated in lazy somersaults, obviously taunting her opponent to prevent the whole race from getting to boring.  
  
Ataru frowned at this, and then crouched down in preparation to run again. Lum had a definite advantage, but she was still underestimating him. He hadn't revealed his full speed to her, and if things came down to him jumping wildly to try and snag her, she wasn't too high up for him. Maybe he could still grab her!  
  
Lum started flying away backwards as she saw Ataru break out into a jog. "Is that all you have? If I'm too high for you, I can fly lower!"  
  
"Could you? Please?" Ataru asked hopefully, smiling in a manner that he hoped looked grateful rather than malicious.  
  
Laughing at him, Lum floated down a bare meter off the ground, still facing her opponent.  
  
*Whoosh!* Like a bullet, Ataru blasted forward, diving for the alien princess before she even got the chance to realize that she was vulnerable.  
  
*Glomp* "WOO HOO!!"  
  
*ATARU SAOTOME HAS DONE IT!!!* The speaker tower blasted triumphantly, *WITHIN TWO MINUTES OF THE BEGINNING OF THE RACE, ATARU HAS SUCCESSFULLY GRABBED PRINCESS LUM'S... uh......* The excited voice trailed off weakly.  
  
"ATARU, YOU IDIOT!!" Ranma yelled from the sidelines, "not THOSE 'horns'! Touch the ones on her head! HER HEAD!! HER-"  
  
Before he could finish screaming, Lum suddenly emitted a powerful lightning field around herself, causing all the spectators to shield their eyes from the bright lights as Ataru learned firsthand what it felt like to be a major semiconductor.  
  
Ranma sighed as the fried husk that was his brother hit the asphalt, physically paralyzed and mentally dazed.  
  
Lum was red with anger and embarrassment as she glared at her foe. "You... you pervert! I'm leaving!" She immediately suited actions to words, heading off for her spaceship at top speed without giving Ataru a chance to recover and give chase.  
  
Ataru twitched as he lied on the ground, his muscles spasming from the electric bursts. He hadn't been expecting that, but still...  
  
'That was SO worth it,' he thought, grinning as he recalled with crystal clarity the feel of Lum's exquisite breasts, supported by their soft, warm tiger-skin brassiere.  
  
"I hope you got a GOOD feel, bro. 'Cause you just blew the element of surprise." Ranma stared down at him, his arms across his chest. "You're screwed now."  
  
'Well, it was pretty much worth it,' Ataru amended in his head.  
  
"Just what were you doing back there?!" Shinobu yelled, stalking up next to Ranma and glaring down at her sort-of boyfriend. "Ogling other women on a date is bad enough, but to just reach out and grab one...!" Shinobu grit her teeth, and balled her hands into fists.  
  
Ataru gulped and sat up, having recovered from the shock. "No! No! It wasn't like that! I was just trying to get a good handhold so that I could go for the horns!"  
  
"Yeah," Ranma snorted, "and then you got such a good handhold, you forgot all about the horns."  
  
"Hey! That's not... uh... well..." Ataru tried to protest, but had to stop to think of an excuse for why he had given up an advantage of over six seconds. "Er... you know, she has a really big pair! It took time to get a good grip on 'em!"  
  
*Slap!*  
  
Ataru winced at the red handprint on his cheek as Shinobu stalked away. 'Okay, fine. The grope was almost worth it.'  
  
Then he noticed that a new crowd had gathered around him. One composed largely of people he didn't know, but who seemed understandably angry.  
  
'Okay, fine. This blows.' Ataru grinned weakly as one man grabbed him by the collar and hauled him up.  
  
"Just what the hell were you thinking, you jerk?!"  
  
"You'd sacrifice the future of the human race for a cheap feel?!"  
  
"You moron! We should just lynch you now and save everybody the pain of watching you screw up!"  
  
"Stop toying with the future of the Earth, you creep!"  
  
"Let's beat him up!"  
  
"Kill the idiot!"  
  
Ataru chuckled weakly as the man in front of him reared back a fist. "Oh, come on now! Boys will be boys!"  
  
"In a minute, this boy'll be paste!" The man punched forward for Ataru's head, only to strike thin air. Blinking, the nameless spectator realized that he was now only holding a shirt, and that his victim was nowhere to be found.  
  
"Hey! Where'd he go?!"  
  
"Look around! He couldn't have gone far!"  
  
"Over there! Behind the car!"  
  
"Let's see how fast that little punk can really run!"  
  
Ranma sweatdropped as he watched the crowd chase after him, then shrugged and headed back toward the dojo. Ataru had always been good at escaping angry mobs. He'd be fine. Eventually.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma chuckled slightly as he read the letter in his hand. "Kuno's declaring a blood feud? Oh boy..."  
  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow as she munched on some crackers. "Wow. Sounds like he's going all-out for real this time. He's done challenges before, but nothing this serious." She stopped to think for a moment. "Blood feud, huh? What does that mean, exactly?"  
  
Ranma snorted. "It means that now I don't have to wait for him to do something stupid before I beat him up." He crumpled the message into a ball in his hands and then tossed it in a wastebasket in the corner.  
  
"Hm. I can tell you're real worried," Nabiki said dryly, eating another cracker.  
  
Ranma leaned backwards, shrugging. "Kuno isn't much of a threat to me. Besides... right now, there are more important things to worry about." Without any sort of subtlety, he poked Ataru, who was sitting at the table next to him with his head face-down on the wooden surface.  
  
Though the young lecher didn't seem to be injured, his clothes were ripped and dirty in several places, and he looked horribly exhausted.  
  
"That's a good point," Nabiki admitted, jabbing Ataru's head with her finger. "You planning on winning that race, Mr. 'World's Best Girl-Chaser'?"  
  
Ataru groaned. Then he sat up. "Ranma... PLEASE take my place! You can take her, I know you can!"  
  
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "What happened to 'nobody's better than me at chasing girls'?"  
  
"I am the best at chasing girls!" Ataru insisted, "but you're the one who's good at catching them!"  
  
Ranma and Nabiki sweatdropped.  
  
"Kind of late to figure that out now, isn't it?" Nabiki questioned.  
  
"Not if Ranma takes my place!" Ataru protested, grabbing his brother's hands in his own. "PLEASE!! You gotta do this! Not for me, but for all of humanity!"  
  
Ranma sighed and snatched his hands away. "Stop begging, you twit. Yeah, I know more than just your ass is riding on this race, but I can't do it for you."  
  
Nabiki nodded reluctantly. "Yeah, I suppose if he doesn't learn to solve problems on his own, he won't get anywhere in life, huh?"  
  
"I don't care about that," Ranma clarified, "but I asked one of those Oni guys about switching runners and he said that I couldn't substitute once the race had begun. The whole thing is on Ataru's shoulders now."  
  
Nabiki sweatdropped. "We're screwed then, huh?"  
  
Ranma nodded somberly. Next to him, Ataru let his head fall back on the table as he returned to swimming in self-pity and hopelessness.  
  
*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*  
  
Kasumi's footsteps could be heard down the hallway as she answered the door. "Oh, hello! Can I help you?"  
  
"If it's for me, I'm not here!" Ataru yelled, loud enough to be heard clearly from the front door.  
  
After a few moments, Kasumi walked into the dining room, and Ranma blinked in surprise when he saw who followed her in. "Hey, look! Apple's still alive!"  
  
Cherry cleared his throat. "It's Cherry, not Apple."  
  
"Whatever. You okay? You still have a license plate imprint on your forehead."  
  
Cherry shook his head. "That's not important right now. I hear that great misfortune has befallen you, just as I predicted."  
  
"Well congratulations, Nostradamus," Ataru mumbled sourly, "now did you have anything helpful to say, or did you just stop by to gloat?"  
  
"Unfortunately, I can do little to aid one so horribly cursed as yourself," Cherry admitted, sitting down, "however, I can offer you my blessings, and perhaps look into the source of the deep misfortune you two share." He turned as Kasumi placed a cup of tea in front of him. "Thank you."  
  
Nabiki frowned. "What does his curse have to do with anything?"  
  
"Why, it's the cause of all their misfortune!" Cherry said sadly, nodding his head. "From here, things can only get worse. However, I will stay and offer what assistance I can."  
  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Stay? You mean, like, stay here?"  
  
Cherry sipped his tea as he nodded. "No thanks is necessary. It is my duty to help those in need." He then turned toward Kasumi. "I've been told you're an excellent cook."  
  
Nabiki, Ranma, and Ataru all sweatdropped.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
(Day 2)  
  
*And they're off! The alien Lum seems to be taking no chances this time, shooting straight off toward her spaceship! Ataru is in hot pursuit! HE'S ALMOST GOT HER!! HE'S... he's done for...*  
  
Ataru groaned as he skidded across the concrete on his face, having missed his lunge.  
  
'Damn... I need a new strategy...'  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Nabiki sweatdropped as Cherry scarfed down yet another plate of sweet potatoes. "So, how long are you going to be staying, again?"  
  
*Snarf* *Gulp* *Chomp* "Unhil Aharu'sh hroublesh haff *Smack* *Chomp* resholfed demshelvsh."  
  
Soun's left eye twitched. "You realize, of course, that if his troubles 'resolve' themselves the way they appear to be working out, the both of us will be shipped off to a forced labor camp, right?"  
  
Cherry stopped to think about that, then nodded. *Gulp* "You're right." Then he stood up and adjusted his robes with one hand with his other holding up his staff, a look of determination and zeal across his features.  
  
"Then we must not make light of the time we have left! TONIGHT WE HAVE SUKIYAKI!!"  
  
Nabiki and Soun facefaulted.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
(Day 3)  
  
Ataru took a deep breath as he slipped on his new shoes, their glossy white surface gleaming in the morning sunshine.  
  
'According to the cheap and uninformative ad in front of the store, these shoes have some vague but infinitely superior technology backing up their construction, and will somehow double my running speed and endurance!' he gripped his hand into a fist. 'That alien bimbo is going down!'  
  
*Blam!!* *AND THERE'S THE STARTING GUN!!!*  
  
"You're MINE, Lum!" Ataru shouted, taking off at a full sprint.  
  
*Thud!* And promptly falling flat on his face, having tripped over a loose shoelace.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
*Pow!* *Thwack!* Ranma hummed lightly to himself as he broke through Kuno's defenses with a short combo, jabbing him lightly and pulled back as the kendoist's katana sliced through the space his head had been moments before.  
  
"Knave! I have you!" Kuno shouted, pulling back for a lightning thrust. Given that his short rivalry with the Saotomes had escalated to blood feud status, Kuno had, naturally, exchanged his normal wooden practice weapon for the Kuno family blade. As if it made any difference.  
  
Ranma moved left and right as quickly as his opponent stabbed at him, twisting his upper torso while standing on one foot, which remained rooted in place.  
  
Kuno, having taken many small, but painful hits up until then, quickly exhausted the last of his energy from using his most vicious (and draining) offensive tactic, and let up his thrusts to put all his remaining strength into a vertical chop.  
  
"Too easy." Ranma caught the blade coming down between two fingers, holding it easily against Kuno's depleted strength. "Well, looks like I win."  
  
"What?!" Kuno shouted, outraged, "not while I'm still conscious, you don't!"  
  
Ranma stared at him, then shrugged. "Fine. Have it your way."  
  
Ignoring the ensuing carnage in the backyard of the Tendo homestead, Ataru was moping in the room he shared with his brother.  
  
"Oh man, oh man, oh man... why did I agree to this... this is all Pop's fault... why the hell did aliens have to land in OUR backyard..."  
  
*Crunch* *Crunch* *Gulp* Cherry swallowed the chocolate chip cookies he was eating, and patted Ataru on the back. "There, there. *Crunch* *Crunch* Your suffering will soon be over. *Crunch* *Gulp* I mean, after they put us all in chains and have us working mines, how much trouble could you get into?"  
  
Ataru grit his teeth, and glared at the saucer-shaped shadow that floated over the distant horizon. "Could you AT LEAST pretend like I have a chance?! It might help my morale a little bit if everybody didn't talk to me like I personally sold out humanity!"  
  
*Munch* *Crunch* "In all fairness, *Gulp* I was told that you DID insist on replacing a more worthy candidate *Chomp* *Crunch* just so that you could get a chance to touch your opponent."  
  
Ataru grimaced. "Yeah, maybe I did..." then he turned around, his teeth clenched. "But dammit, I don't care about that anymore! One good feel just isn't worth all this grief, plus being a scapegoat for the invasion of the whole bloody PLANET!!" He stood up and gripped his hands into fists. "I don't care if Lum is a babe, she's still the enemy, and I'm not going to let a really nice pair of jugs get between me and the salvation of the human race!! Not any more!!"  
  
Cherry nodded, shoving more cookies into his mouth. *Chomp* *Crunch* *Gulp* "Very inspiring. But you still have to win, you know."  
  
Ataru's optimistic rush immediately fled, and he slumped onto the floor miserably. "Yeah, I know." Then he finally noticed what Cherry was eating. "Hey, where did you find those?"  
  
Cherry stopped eating. "It was right here next to the bed on the far side of the room. Why?"  
  
Ataru blinked. "Are you a good runner? Like, a marathon runner?"  
  
Cherry looked at him oddly, cocking his head to one side. "I'm... fair, I suppose. Again, why?"  
  
"MY COOKIES!! You... you ate them all!"  
  
Cherry jerked in surprise at the shout, then slowly turned to see Ranma standing in the doorway, his aura ablaze with furious might, and a newly acquired katana in his hand.  
  
"I hope you get reincarnated as something small and ugly," Ataru mumbled sourly. Then he thought about that for a moment. "Well, smaller and uglier."  
  
Ataru turned away, not interested in witnessing the second of the two vicious beatdowns that would grace the Tendo compound.  
  
'I must beat Lum! I just have to!'  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
(Day 4)  
  
Ataru finished fastening the boots on his feet, and pulled on the metal springs attached to the soles to test them.  
  
Lum stared at him oddly, a bit worried despite herself. Those were large springs; even if they looked to be rather unwieldy, undoubtedly Ataru would be able to jump high enough to catch her.  
  
*Blam!*  
  
*Boing!* Ataru jumped to his feet, and immediately launched himself into the air.  
  
"Ha ha! You're mine now, you... uh..." Ataru looked around him as he reached the apex of his jump, but couldn't see Lum anywhere.  
  
Finally, he glanced behind him, and noticed that she was still standing where she was when the started, watching Ataru with her arms clasped behind her back.  
  
"Hey! Whaddya think you're doing?!" Ataru yelled, "you're supposed to be running away!"  
  
*Boing!* "Whoa!"  
  
Ataru was once again launched into the air, and quickly came to realize that he couldn't exactly control his spring-loaded boots as well as he had hoped.  
  
*Boing!* *Boing!* *Boing!* "Help! Somebody help me! I can't stop!"  
  
Lum giggled as she watched Ranma run after his brother. These races may not have been very challenging, but at least they were funny!  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Why do you think he chases other girls all the time like that?" Shinobu asked irritably, sitting at the Tendo dining room table. Across from her sat Ranma, who was sipping tea calmly, and between them on another side sat Cherry, who was practically mummified with bandages and gauze pads, and had one arm in a sling.  
  
Ranma shrugged, sighing. "Well, obviously he's a pervert, but as for where he gets it from..." he thought hard about it for a moment. "Ataru and I grew up together on the road. Most of the time we trained and slept in forest or mountain regions, or trained in dojos. There weren't any girls around most of the time, so we've never had much experience with them. The longest we were ever around girls were when were little kids, before we did the serious traveling."  
  
He frowned. "Ataru was always really interested in girls, but we really didn't get the chance to meet any, so it didn't really come up much. Until we were fourteen, and worked at this old inn to pay for a room and meal for Pop. After we got most of the work done, the owner told us to take a dip in their hot springs so that we'd be fresh to meet customers."  
  
Ranma grimaced. "Turns out they were mixed baths. Right in the middle of our soak, this attractive 20-year old woman walks in, minding her own business, and obviously pretty comfortable with taking baths with guys while naked. I was pretty embarrassed, but just looked away. Ataru went nuts. His sex drive has been on high gear ever since then, and since we were still on the road up until recently, the isolation made it even worse. He's been a little better since we've gotten back to civilization, but... you know..."  
  
Shinobu nodded slowly, looking somber. She supposed that Ataru had endured a hard life after all; maybe he did deserve some leeway. He was a teenage boy that had grown up without teenage girls. Who's to say that if she had grown up around only women, that she wouldn't be monstrously boy-hungry?  
  
"I guess that makes sense... still... he doesn't deal with girls very well." Shinobu liked being wanted, but she also liked her boyfriend to at least pretend he wanted something other than sex.  
  
"Well, can't fault him for that," Ranma said, leaning backward. "Like I said, we didn't run into many girls, so we didn't really learn how to deal with them."  
  
Shinobu frowned. "You seem to do pretty well."  
  
He shrugged. "Luck. I just treat chicks pretty much like I treat guys, just not as rough. If I just wanted to get into their pants, I'd probably be in the same boat as Ataru."  
  
Shinobu sweatdropped heavily. Given Ranma's rugged good looks, enticing musculature, and no-nonsense personality, she guessed that he could've gotten laid no matter how he "dealt" with women.  
  
"Well, maybe he'll get over it in time. He's not as bad as everyone says."  
  
Ranma snorted. "You kidding?"  
  
Shinobu rolled her eyes. "I'm just saying, maybe I can teach him to respect women, and not drive them crazy."  
  
"Drive them crazy," Ranma repeated in a dead monotone, "Shinobu, you haven't seen crazy. I'll show you crazy."  
  
Ranma turned toward the stairway and took a deep breath. "AKANE!! ATARU'S HIDING UNDER YOUR BED!!"  
  
*CRASH!!* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"  
  
Akane rushed down the stairs, splinters of her shattered door settling to the floor in her wake.  
  
*CRASH!!* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"  
  
"And out the front door," Ranma said before taking a sip of his tea.  
  
Shinobu sweatdropped. "Wow. That's pretty bad."  
  
"No, what's pretty bad is that you'll get the exact same response from her even when she's not in her room."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
(Day 5)  
  
"Intellectually, I think this this a step backward from yesterday," Ranma commented.  
  
"Oh, shut up," Ataru muttered, loading himself into the large wooden catapult. "I'm running out of ideas, okay?"  
  
*Blam!!* The starting gun went off, and Lum slowly floated away backward while keeping her eyes on Ataru, her curiosity overcoming any small fear that Ataru's plan would succeed.  
  
Ataru muttered a brief prayer, and then tugged hard on the rope attached to the catapult arm.  
  
*Wham!* A totally misplaced spring caused the front of the siege engine to jump up high, with the catapult arm still held solidly in place by a number of inappropriately applied nails.  
  
*Crash!* The audience winced as the entire contraption fell apart into a pile of scrap metal and malformed wooden boards, with Ataru buried underneath.  
  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Maybe you shouldn't have built it yourself."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"So anyway," Hiroshi started, scratching the back of his head, "we just wanted to stop by and say that we appreciate all that Ataru is doing for us, and, in fact, all of humanity."  
  
Daisuke nodded graciously. "Other people might say that he's a screw-up and a loser, and blame him for what's happening, but we don't! It's gotta be tough, trying to catch a flying alien chick with the pressure of alien invasion hanging in the balance!"  
  
Ataru grinned as the two schoolboys smiled at him admirably. "Well, thanks! It's nice to know some people appreciate my efforts!" Then his grin faded. "By the way, who are you?"  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke sweatdropped. "You don't remember us?" "We're in your class at Furinkan."  
  
"Well, it HAS been almost two weeks. Plus, you're not female," Ranma said, shrugging.  
  
"Whatever," Hiroshi said, sidling closer to Ataru, "point is, we wanted to ask you a question."  
  
Ataru blinked. "A question? About what?"  
  
Daisuke sidled over to Ataru's other side. "We heard that on the first day, you caught up with Lum, and sacrificed the moment of surprise to grope her breasts..."  
  
Ataru bigsweated. "*Gulp* Uh... yeah... about that..."  
  
Hiroshi scooted closer. "Never mind. We just want to know, once and for all..."  
  
Daisuke took a deep breath as he prepared to complete the inquiry. "Are her boobs real?"  
  
*Thud!* Group facefault.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
(Day 6)  
  
"You know, I cannot possibly imagine this one turning out right," Ranma deadpanned, watching as his brother finished strapping a large fuse-lit rocket onto his torso.  
  
"Just be quiet!" Ataru shouted, leaning over so that the rocket's head pointed toward an alarmed Lum.  
  
*Blam!!*  
  
Ataru quickly struck a match and lit the rockets fuse as his opponent flew away in a panic, and made sure to keep the rocket head aimed at her.  
  
*Fsssssssssssssssss* Finally, the fuse burned down to the base, reaching the explosive powder within.  
  
*KABLAM!!!*  
  
Ranma winced at the explosion, then rolled his eyes. "I told you that 'ACME' catalog was trouble."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
*Boot!* *Thud!*  
  
Cherry grunted as he hit the ground just outside the Tendo home's front door.  
  
"And don't ever come back!" Soun shouted, slamming the door shut.  
  
"But you musn't!" Cherry insisted, turning back around and walking up to the door. "If you refuse the goodwill of strangers, you will be cursed! Even more cursed! And believe me, you already have more curse than is healthy for a typical homestead of seven!"  
  
"Ha! 'Goodwill,' he says! Is that what you call eating all our food and lying around the house all day?!" Soun shouted from within.  
  
"But the Saotomes' horrid luck will doom you otherwise!" Cherry insisted, banging on the door.  
  
"I don't see how we can be any more doomed than we already are, and you're not helping anything!"  
  
Cherry sighed and sat down on the front porch. "It's no use reasoning with that man. The horrid black fate around his home has doubtlessly driven him mad already." Cherry sighed again. "At least I had enough time to place my sutras before he kicked me out. That should offer them some protection."  
  
Just then, the door opened, and a basket-full of shredded paper scraps landed over Cherry's head, burying him.  
  
"And stop sticking your stupid drawings on the walls of my house!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
(Day 7)  
  
Ataru took a deep breath, and then hit the "ON" switch that activated the massive movie studio fan.  
  
*Blam!!*  
  
Quickly running in front of the fan as it started up, he slipped into the harness of the hang-glider waiting there, and took firm hold as he was swiftly lifted off the ground.  
  
It wasn't until he was already airborne and moving at a good speed that he realized the folly of trying low-level gliding in a suburban area.  
  
"AH!! POWER LINES!! LEFT!! LEFT!! MUST TURN LE-"  
  
*BRRRZZAAAAAAACK!*  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Ay, tee, ay-ar-yoo! Ay, tee, ay-ar-yoo! Ay, tee, ay-ar-yoo, Ataru was his name-oh! Hummmmmmmmmmmm..." Cherry concentrated as he fell into meditation, praying for the luck and mercy of the gods.  
  
*Creak* Then the front door of the Tendo home opened up behind him, breaking his concentration.  
  
Ranma stared down at the monk expressionlessly. "You're still here?"  
  
"Yes, I am. And very fortunate for you, too." Cherry sniffed the air, then smiled. "Ah! Teriyaki beef tonight, I see! Very well, just let me back in, and I'll forget that whole ugly incident that landed me out here!"  
  
*Punt!*  
  
"Oh yeah. I've wanted to do that for SO long now." Ranma grinned and went back inside, not bothering to watch as Cherry sailed off into the distance.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
(Day 8)  
  
"This HAS to work," Ataru muttered, looking down at Nerima as wind whipped through his hair.  
  
"Now remember!" the pilot of the sky-diving plane yelled back at him, "after you catch that alien chick, you'll mention me as the guy that helped, right?! And mention my business?!"  
  
"Right!" Ataru yelled back.  
  
"Okay, good! ......... By the way, do you even know how to use that parachute?!"  
  
"I'll figure it out!" Ataru shouted, an edge to his voice. He would've had the man instruct him, but the jerk insisted that while he'd allow the use of his plane and chute for the good of the Earth, lessons didn't come free.  
  
Ataru gulped as he turned back toward the little squares far below that he guessed were houses. They were flying relatively low, but then, Ataru had never been in a normal airplane, much less one with open doors and depressurized cabins. "Think light thoughts, Ataru. Light, feathery thoughts... you can do this. You're doing this for all of mankind. And womankind. NEVER forget womankind!" Then he frowned. "Shouldn't they have fired the starting gun by now?"  
  
*WH-TANG!* Ataru jerked back as a bullet round pierced the left engine, causing sparks to fly as the heavy device began making unhealthy sputtering noises.  
  
*Kablam!!* The report of the starting pistol, trailing behind the bullet at the lazy speed of sound, was undoubtedly lost as the stricken engine exploded, blowing black smoke into the air and causing the plane to begin wavering back and forth unsteadily.  
  
"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!" Ataru whimpered as the plane shook mightily, frozen into inaction.  
  
*Click* *Click*  
  
"Eh?" Regaining some of his wits, Ataru realized that a weight had been lifted from his back, and then noted that his parachute was no longer attached to him. "What the hell?!"  
  
"Sorry kiddo," the pilot apologized as he secured the parachute, "but, ironically, I forgot to pack more than one parachute for this skydiving flight. Bye!"  
  
With those words he evacuated the plummeting aircraft, not even looking back as it spun out of control into the neighborhood below.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Well, just think of it this way, with a plane crash on your record, nobody can say you didn't try very hard to win," Nabiki offered.  
  
Ataru groaned. He was currently sprawled out on his bed, and was heavily decorated with gauze.  
  
"I'm just so relieved you're alive!" Shinobu said, clasping her hands before her chest. "How did you survive the crash?"  
  
Ataru slowly raised a hand, and then extended his thumb. "Seatbelts. They save lives."  
  
Shinobu and Nabiki blinked in amazement.  
  
"Oh, don't listen to him. It's pure inhuman constitution," Ranma muttered, rolling his eyes.  
  
"But you're wrong," Ataru moaned, "in fact... I'm afraid I may not live much longer... Shi... Shinobu..."  
  
"Y-Yes?" she responded, rushing up next to his bed.  
  
"Don't listen to him, he'll get better," Ranma insisted.  
  
"Please... it's my greatest fear to die like this..." Ataru mumbled, his eyelids flickering a bit.  
  
Ranma groaned and covered his face with his hands as a few tears leaked from Shinobu's eyes.  
  
"What?! What is it?! You don't want to die like this?!"  
  
"I don't want to die..." Ataru mumbled weakly, "... a virgin... so, if you could do me a really big favor and-"  
  
*Slap!*  
  
Shinobu dried her tears and smiled toward Ranma. "You were right! He's feeling better already!" She turned back to Ataru. "Please Ataru, get better. I don't even care if you win or lose, but just hang in there, okay?" With those words of support, she stood up. "I need to go back home. But I'll be out there cheering for you tomorrow Ataru. Goodbye!"  
  
Nabiki patiently waited until Shinobu was well out of earshot before daring to open her mouth.  
  
"That girl is either some kind of twisted manipulator that makes sex-starved jerks her puppets, or just REALLY desperate." Shaking her head, she stood up and walked toward the door. "Two more days, Ataru. Pull through. Or else. There are worse things than death or lifelong forced labor." With that threat hanging in the air, Nabiki exited the room.  
  
Ranma sighed deeply. "Ataru, whatever happens, I will, ultimately, pull your fat out of the fryer. You know that, right? But you screwed up big time on this one. I mean it."  
  
He turned to leave, but then stopped when he didn't hear a response from his brother. Slowly turning toward the bed, he observed Ataru's expression, marred slightly by the red handprint on his right cheek.  
  
It was... sad. Depressed. Hopeless. Defeated. Ranma raised an eyebrow, and frowned. He had seen Ataru get depressed before, but it was usually in short bursts, punctuated by a streak of apathy and followed by a longer burst that celebrated the joys of life (namely, women, food, and fire). Ataru was either too foolish or too horny to bother to dwell on his problems for long, and was always willing to get back to the pursuit of short-term happiness.  
  
His expression now was different, though. He looked like a broken man. Someone who had lost all that he had ever cared for, lost hope of getting it or suitable substitutes back, and lost the will to go on trying. This wasn't the Ataru he knew.  
  
Frowning deeply, and knowing what he had to do, Ranma left the room.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
(Day 9)  
  
*It's the ninth day of the race to determine the fate of Earth, and we're running a bit late! Ataru Saotome has inexplicably failed to appear, much like yesterday, but without any notice or assurances that he is still competing! Has mankind's last hope given up completely?*  
  
Lum looked around, worried, as the crowds of spectators began yelling things into the air, cursing Ataru's name and cowardice. She certainly hoped he hadn't given up! This was the most fun she'd had in years!  
  
"Well, I don't know what to say. I have to start." Shrugging, the referee raised his starting pistol.  
  
*Blam!!*  
  
Lum began to slowly float away from the starting line, scanning the area around her diligently, hoping to see her opponent, but with no success. Sighing due to a boring, empty victory, she took off at a comfortable speed toward her flying saucer.  
  
Back at the spectator stands, Shinobu winced at some of the nastier things that the crowd began shouting into the air. Where was Ataru?  
  
'I hope he's okay, wherever he is...... come to think of it... where's Ranma?'  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Goodbye, cruel, heartless bastion of civilization!" Ataru shouted, running through the streets with his backpack on. "The few pleasures you brought me will be remembered: cheap beef stew! Italian food! Nintendo! Monthly pornographic publications!"  
  
He wiped a tear from his eye, and then grit his teeth. "But the pain you have caused me will scar more deeply than an uncontrolled crash-landing aboard a burning airplane ever could! I'm through! If those freaky, crazy, sexy aliens want me, they can come and dig me out of a hole in the mountains!"  
  
Despite his determination, Ataru wasn't actually used to carrying his pack, and soon the fatigue of hauling its weight caught up with his zeal in running.  
  
"D-Damn... *Pant* *Wheeze* ... gotta slow down a little... *Gasp* ... the mountains 'aint going anywhere..."  
  
Ataru reached a small arch bridge, and collapsed.  
  
"Oh boy... this thing weighs a ton! I can't believe Ranma would carry this thing around along with his pack too! Geez!"  
  
He dropped it next to the railing of the bridge, and then sat down against it himself, catching his breath. "Well, this is it then. Fugitive from the human race. My decisions, based on my own selfish lust, have single-handedly doomed the Earth to suffer alien conquest because of my own incompetence."  
  
"Yes, you are a pathetic nitwit. But at least you admit it."  
  
Ataru flinched as he heard the familiar voice. "Oh no... Ranma."  
  
The pigtailed boy jumped out of the tree he was hiding in, and landed easily on the railing right above Ataru. "You're a bit late for your race today, slick."  
  
"Save it," Ataru muttered, lowering his head. "I know. I know that I'm pathetic, and that I should have left this to you, okay? But I didn't, and I'm an idiot for that." He grit his teeth. "You have no idea what it's like, do you? But how could you? I'm Ataru Saotome; I'm weak, stupid, and I'll do anything if a chick even smiles at me. But you, you're the great and mighty Ranma Saotome! You're strong, sharp, and women swoon as you walk by! I'll never measure up to you! So it's better if I just stop trying to live in your shadow and leave!"  
  
*Thwack!* "Ow!"  
  
Ranma shook his head as Ataru rubbed the bump on his. "Don't give me that crap. Ataru, you've never, in any way, resented me for ANYTHING. You're right! You'll never measure up to me! But you've never cared about that, and I sure as hell don't believe you care now!"  
  
Ataru sweatdropped. 'Ouch. Bulls-eye.'  
  
"Do I 'know what's it's like'? Please! You've never lived in my shadow! You've never aspired to be what I am! Instead, rather than exhausting yourself trying and then moping when you fail, you've always leaned on me and used me to help yourself, and was damn happy about it!"  
  
Ranma crossed his arms over his chest and looked away. "And... in some VERY small way... I appreciate that."  
  
Ataru blinked, stunned. "Eh?"  
  
"I'm not saying I like the way you are, or that I wouldn't be overjoyed if you cleaned up your act," Ranma amended quickly, still looking away, "but I'd much rather you always turn to me to help you out of a fix than always trying to deal with problems on your own and make things harder for everyone, or spend all your time competing and fighting against me all the time. You look up to me rather than see me as a benchmark or obstacle to overcome, and you've never really resented me for anything, even dealing with girls, and never really been jealous of me even though I'm so much better than you."  
  
Ranma took a deep breath. "To be... really honest... if I were you, I couldn't stand it, and would probably hate you. You take it all in stride, though...... What I'm trying to say is..."  
  
He finally looked at Ataru, who was staring back at him with a totally perplexed expression.  
  
"What I'm trying to say is... even though we were born on the same day, you'll always be like a little brother to me, and... uh..." Ranma trailed off, wondering if he should really end his touching emotional admission with "I love you".  
  
"Er... I...... don't hate you," Ranma finally spat out. "........... That much."  
  
*Sniffle* Ataru wiped a tear from his eye. "That was... so beautiful..."  
  
Ranma twitched. "Try and hug me and I'll break your arm."  
  
"It would almost be worth it!" Ataru cried happily, keeping a safe distance.  
  
"Anyway, my point is, you're depressed because you screwed up too badly, and for once you've actually thought ahead enough to decide that things truly are hopeless. So snap out of it, because I'm here to help you weasel out of your fix."  
  
"Thank you! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!" Ataru bowed repeatedly in front of Ranma, who grimaced in response.  
  
"Yeah yeah, okay, shut up. Now stand up straight."  
  
Ataru did so.  
  
*Boot!* *Splash!*  
  
"Ptooey! Ouch! What was that for?!" Ataru shouted, slogging to the edge of the river the bridge spanned.  
  
"Look at yourself, you dolt!" Ranma shouted irritably.  
  
Ataru looked down at herself. "Man! If only I could meet a girl with a bod like mine!"  
  
*Thwack!* Ranma's stone met Ataru's forehead without error, knocking the boy-turned-girl back into the river. *Splash!*  
  
"You're a girl, nimrod! A girl! Who doesn't look a damn thing like my brother!" Ranma grit his teeth as Ataru stood at the edge of the river, staring at him.  
  
"..................... And?"  
  
Ranma groaned and rubbed his head, realizing that he would have to explain every detail of his plan to the clod. 'Maybe things really would have been better if he had left...'  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
(Day 10, final day before the fate of the Earth is decided)  
  
*And once again it's time for the race to start, and the cowardly fool Ataru Saotome is nowhere in sight! I think I speak for most everyone here when I say: damn you Ataru, for your inconceivable stupidity!*  
  
Grumbling was generally in agreement with this sentiment, though there wasn't much of it. As most had deemed the whole race to save humanity a huge failure, the crowd on the final day was rather thin indeed.  
  
Lum sighed as she stood in the middle of the starting line, looking downcast. She didn't really care whether the Earth was conquered one way or another, but she was really looking forward to a last-ditch attempt by the Terran she was playing with. If nothing else, it would have proved to be entertaining.  
  
*Blam!!*  
  
*And there's the starting pistol! Now we just wait for the princess Lum to return to her spaceship, a journey which will mark the beginning of a brutal war against a vastly superior technological power! The cowardly defender is nowhere in sight! What a way for the human race to go!*  
  
Shaking her head sadly, Lum lifted off the ground and began to float away.  
  
"Wait! Stop!!"  
  
Lum's first instinct was to fly away at top speed, but then realized that the voice was that of a girl, and turned around. "What?"  
  
An attractive, busty blue-haired girl rushed up to her, hauling what appeared to be a kettle of hot water beside her.  
  
"I know where Ataru is!"  
  
Lum smiled happily in surprise, then blinked as something occurred to her. "But wait, he's supposed to be chasing me!"  
  
"Oh, he is," the girl said. Then she beckoned Lum closer with her finger.  
  
Lum approached cautiously, casting a wary glance around to see if he was going to spring from the sidelines. When she couldn't spot the lecher anywhere, she turned toward the girl. "Well? Where is he?"  
  
"Right in front of your face, stupid!" Ataru shouted, grabbing the top of Lum's head. "HA!! That was easy! I can't believe I didn't think of this before that stupid catapult idea!"  
  
"....................." Lum stared oddly at the girl.  
  
*..................... It would... appear that some young woman has taken it upon herself to win the game of tag in Ataru's stead. And while she's certainly more noble and thoughtful than that cowardly slime, this substitution is expressly forbidden by the already quite odd rules of engagement.*  
  
"That guy's right," Lum explained gently, "I'm sorry, but this doesn't count."  
  
Ataru shrugged and lifted the kettle over her head, pouring a stream of warm water onto her.  
  
"How about now?"  
  
*HOLY MOTHER OF MITSUBISHI!!! THE YOUNG WOMAN IS NO LESS THAN ATARU SAOTOME, IN SOME ELABORATE DISGUISE THAT'S DISPELLED WITH THE ADDITION OF WATER!!! THUS, THE TAG COUNTS AS A SUCCESSFUL WIN FOR EARTH!!! THUS, I'LL ACTUALLY GET TO USE THE MONEY I'M EARNING FOR THIS STUPID ASSIGNMENT!!! HOT DAMN!!!*  
  
"Wh... Wh... What?" Lum gasped, standing shock-still where she had started, even after Ataru removed his hand.  
  
The sparse crowd began to chant Ataru's name as the young man threw a fist up into the air.  
  
"Ataru, you did it!" Shinobu ran forward and enveloped him in a hug that he very eagerly returned.  
  
"Good job, boy!" Genma said, grinning like a fool.  
  
"You did it! I knew I could count on you!" Soun lied, coming up behind his friend.  
  
"You didn't screw up! Way to go, man!" Ranma clapped Ataru on the shoulder as Shinobu was pinching his cheek as revenge for him copping a feel.  
  
Lum stood at the edge of the crowd around Ataru, slowly coming to terms with what had happened. She was sorry, to be sure, but she didn't really care that she lost. She was mostly just sorry that it was all over. And that it had ended in such an anticlimactic way after Ataru's previous attempts had caused two explosions and a power outage.  
  
Of course, she shouldn't have been surprised; he had tried so hard the whole time, it only made sense that when it really came time to buckle down, he had put that effort toward an intelligent solution rather than a hopeless, though entertaining one. And all just to catch her.  
  
Lum blushed. He had been a little rough, but she didn't TOTALLY dislike being felt up the way she was on that first day of tag. The desire in his eyes as he looked at her, and the strength with which he fought to catch her, caused a small shudder of excitement when she thought about it.  
  
"Well daughter, it appears we've lost," Lum turned around as her father walked up to her. "Don't worry about it though; we may have lost this planet, but I get to keep my job." Then he grinned. "And you get a husband!"  
  
Genma bigsweated as Mr. Invader and his daughter turned toward him. "Uh, yes, well... here you are!" He grabbed Ranma's wrist and tried to tug him forward.  
  
Ranma didn't budge. "Pop? What's going on? And just what did he mean when he said that she gets a husband?"  
  
Genma chuckled nervously. "Oh, just a little technical detail that I had to hammer out in order to save Earth! Nothing important!"  
  
"Nothing important?" Mr. Invader scoffed, "I'd certainly consider my daughter's marriage to your son important!"  
  
Ataru broke free of Shinobu's minor retributions. "What? Ranma's getting married?"  
  
Ranma grit his teeth. "Pop..."  
  
"But Daddy," Lum protested pointing toward Ataru, "I don't want to marry that one! I want to marry this one instead!"  
  
All noise and speech stopped. Absolute silence reigned as many sweatdrops appeared.  
  
"What?" Genma asked, absolutely mystified.  
  
"Huh?" Ataru asked, similarly perplexed. "Why would you take me over him?"  
  
Lum giggled. "I like you! You're fun!"  
  
"Well I'll be damned," Ranma mumbled, dazed, "I don't know whether I should feel relieved or insulted."  
  
Genma shook his head. "But the agreement was for Ranma to marry Lum! You can't just change it!"  
  
"Actually, I can," Mr. Invader assured him. "I understand that your son has a previous attachment, but this is a diplomatic arrangement we're talking about here. And given the circumstances, I don't think it's unreasonable at all that my daughter be allowed to choose her husband."  
  
"But... but... I can't... I'm already..." Ataru began to stutter, pointing wildly every which way in seemingly random gestures.  
  
"Ataru! I can't believe you!"  
  
He turned around as Shinobu yelled at him, and then gulped as he saw her seething.  
  
"You never even told me that there was a marriage arrangement! You were probably trying to hide it, weren't you?! You're despicable!" Without even taking the time to slap him first, Shinobu stomped off.  
  
"No! Wait! I didn't know! This is the first time I've heard about this!" Ataru protested. He started to run after her, only to have his shirt snagged by Soun.  
  
"And what do you think you're doing, running off with some alien woman when you're supposed to marry MY AKANE?!?!" Soun yelled.  
  
"Mr. Tendo, seriously, get a clue. This is probably the one hope 'your Akane' has of recovering her fragile grip on her sanity," Ranma informed him helpfully, "and besides, it's kind of the fate of the world vs. the fate of your stupid pointless 'joining of the schools' engagement."  
  
"Boy's got a point, Tendo."  
  
"You'll pay for this, Saotome!"  
  
"Yay! Now it's official Darling! We're married now!"  
  
"I never thought the little creep had it in him."  
  
"NO!! PLEASE!! THIS ISN'T WHAT I WANTED!! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!!"  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
End Chapter 3 


	4. Balance of Fate

And now, a special presentation!  
  
Black Dragon Productions shamefully... I mean, proudly presents: Jusenkyou Theatre!  
  
The curtain opens up before a large wooden stage, revealing a great number of props and cardboard backgrounds lying about in disarray.  
  
In the foreground stands a geeky-looking guy wearing black clothes and big glasses.  
  
"Yo. Sorry about the mess. I'm Black Dragon, and once again, in lieu of doing an actual omake feature, I'm going to be cheap and do something far less amusing that requires almost no effort on my part."  
  
BD frowned. "Well, actually, this is different from last time. Because it's about time you readers started contributing something to the work, too!"  
  
He looked slightly annoyed as he crossed his arms over his chest. "I work on this stuff late at night, you know, along with all my college work! I'm probably going to get carpal tunnel syndrome before I even get a real job! And what do I get for it?! A few considerate people offer a nice word, and I get the occasional piece of artwork or detailed review! It's great, but come on! I work on a deadline! And I don't get jack! You'd think that for all the effort and time I put into this garbage, the least I could get is a-"  
  
Before he could continue, a sandbag attached to the ceiling by a rope swung down from the scaffolding above, slamming firmly into the side of the author's head, and knocking him onto the ground.  
  
"Get to the point, dipweed!"  
  
"Yeah! I want some screen time before all the readers leave in disgust!"  
  
BD groaned and pushed himself up in a daze.  
  
*Thwack!* "Ugh!"  
  
Unfortunately, he was dazed enough that he still hadn't realized what had hit him, and thus the sandbag struck him again coming back the other way.  
  
"Unnnnh..." Black Dragon very slowly got to his feet, and stood up dizzily. Just a few inches behind him, the sandbag continued swinging in a wide, heavy arc, mostly undisturbed from knocking BD's skull out of the way.  
  
BD shook his head to clear it. "Uh... right... well, anyway, I'm giving my readers the chance to contribute to the next edition of Jusenkyou Theatre."  
  
He smiled and adjusted his glasses. "That's right! I'm offering you all the chance of a lifetime, or until I get tired of doing these things again! You, the reader, will have the chance to offer a question to the BDP (Black Dragon Productions) character of your choice! Any character! Any version of any character! Or me, as if you'd want to!"  
  
BD spread his arms out. "Ever wanted to know about Snake's past? No! But you can ask him anyway! Want to know if space pirate Ranma's ever had sex? You probably do, so go ahead and ask him all about it! Want to ask Ukyo, who's been featured for a short bit in Yagami 1/2 and nowhere else, how she feels about essentially never showing up in any of my works?" He sweatdropped. "Maybe, but I'd prefer if you didn't. She's not too happy about that."  
  
He coughed into his fist. "Anyway, like I said, you can ask any question of any character who's been featured in any of my works. I will then take the most interesting and potentially humorous questions and ask them in the next Jusenkyou Theatre, before having them answered by the character in question! This is an exercise to see just how involved my readers are willing to get. If at all. If nobody offers anything, I'll probably do another Fosters commercial."  
  
"My apologies ahead of time, but only question per person. Also please try to avoid swearing. Send all responses to black_dragon74@hotmail.com. No questions offered through ff.net reviews or forum posts will be used. Offer no longer valid after chapter 5 has been posted. Not available in Taiwan. Sorry, no CoDs. Thank you." Black Dragon bowed deeply.  
  
"You know, you really are a lazy jerk," said a voice off-screen.  
  
"Just shut up and let's get on with it."  
  
Takahashi Soup  
  
by Black Dragon  
  
I thought that this would be far more useful to the average reader than a disclaimer.  
  
Eccentricity: (n) A method of distinction so cheap that fools use it to accentuate their incapacity.  
  
Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Balance of Fate  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
"Oh what a beautiful moooooooorning! Oh what a beautiful daaaaaaaaaaaay!" The youngest Tendo daughter skipped happily down the stairs, smiling brightly.  
  
"I've got a wonderful feeeeeeeeeling, everything's going my waaaaaaaaaaay!" Jumping over the last few steps, Akane landed on the bottom floor and spun around with a flourish.  
  
Ranma raised an eyebrow as he looked at her. Akane was bright-eyed and energetic. The bags under her eyes had vanished, the twitch in her smile was a memory, and she wasn't mumbling to herself between every sentence.  
  
"Dang. Just ten hours and you make a complete recovery. That's pretty messed up," Ranma muttered, picking up his empty plates as he started to stand up.  
  
*Wham!* Out of nowhere, Akane grabbed the back of Ranma's head and shoved it hard into the table.  
  
"Ow!" Ranma shouted, pulling his head back up. "What the hell was that for?!"  
  
Akane smiled brightly and giggled. "No reason! I just felt like it!" With a happy wave, she bounded out the door, swinging her bookbag in a wide arc at her side.  
  
Ranma's left eye twitched as he rubbed his nose. "I think I liked her better when she was crazy. Stupid alien."  
  
Soun sighed. Nabiki shrugged.  
  
Then the middle Tendo daughter scratched her chin. "Speaking of Lum, my room is right next to yours, so I heard a lot of commotion last night."  
  
Soun's body twitched, and he froze. Kasumi, who had entered to pick up the dishes, stopped and blinked in surprise.  
  
"However," Nabiki added, "it wasn't THAT kind of commotion. What's the story Saotome?"  
  
Ranma grimaced and leaned back, holding his head. "Last night was like a four hour struggle over sleeping arrangements. Pop and Ataru kept trying to throw Lum out, while Lum kept on trying to convince Ataru to let her stay and blasting Pops with lightning bolts. Eventually they got her out of the room, but she kept sneaking back in and snuggling up to Ataru." He sighed wearily and took a sip of tea.  
  
Nabiki shook her head. "To think that after all that pervert's been through, a beautiful woman just falls into his lap and he pushes her away."  
  
"Honestly, I can't really blame him," Ranma admitted, "Lum is trouble with a capital 'T', no matter how hot she is. I'm just surprised he's shown that much common sense."  
  
Kasumi frowned. "Either way, it's not right for them to make so much noise so late at night when people are trying to sleep. They must have kept you awake all night!"  
  
Ranma stood up and stretched. "Eh, don't worry. I found a way to deal with it."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Rise and shine, jerks!" Ranma yelled as he walked into the dojo, backpack slung over one shoulder.  
  
"Eh? Wha?" Ataru mumbled groggily, his eyes twitching open from the sudden influx of light.  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes as he walked toward the corner of the dojo where Ataru, Genma, and Lum laid. "Time for school. Here, let me help you out of those ropes."  
  
Ataru grimaced as Ranma kneeled down to undo the bonds that wrapped around him tightly from shoulders to ankles. "Man, they rebuilt the school already?"  
  
Ranma shrugged. "It's not like we were that thorough destroying it. Stay still, this knot is tricky..."  
  
"Okay, yeah... by the way, couldn't you have at least tied her up too?" Ataru asked irritably, jerking his head toward the unconscious Lum, who lay asleep in his lap.  
  
Ranma shook his head. "Too much trouble with that lightning trick of hers. Maybe I'll devise a counter for it later. Got it!"  
  
The ropes went slack around Ataru, and he stood up before dusting himself off. "So, how's Akane taking this?"  
  
"I just saw her skipping down the stairs and out the door," Ranma said flatly, "singing."  
  
Ataru sighed. "Well, damn. And I was so close to making it with her, too."  
  
"How do you figure?" Ranma asked, raising an eyebrow. "Was your plan to utterly break her spirit and mind, so that she'd eventually surrender her soulless body to you as an empty shell of the woman she once was?"  
  
Ataru frowned. "Well, no, but it looked like it was turning out that way."  
  
A loud yawn from below distracted the brothers, and they both looked down as Lum rubbed the sleep from her eyes.  
  
"Hey Lum. You sleep okay?" Ranma asked.  
  
She blinked drowsily, then frowned at him. "Next time you tie up darling, don't put him in the same place as your dad! We want our privacy!"  
  
Ataru twitched. "NO, we DON'T!" Frustrated, he walked past Ranma toward the door. "Come on bro, we have to get to school."  
  
Lum blinked and stood up. "Hold on darling! I'll come with you!"  
  
Both Ranma and Ataru jerked to a halt.  
  
'This... is not going to end well...' Ranma thought.  
  
'Oh HELL no! If she starts clinging to me at school, then I won't be able to make up with Shinobu! And I definitely won't be able to make out with Shinobu!' Ataru grimaced as the possible images of all that could go wrong bombarded him.  
  
"No! Not a chance!" Ataru yelled, turning around. "Lum, listen, I don't know what crazy idea you have rattling around in that big empty space you call a brain, but we are NOT married!" he yelled, swiping his hand sharply across the space in front of him. "We are not engaged! We are not a couple! We're not even casual acquaintances! Is that clear?!"  
  
Lum blinked. Twice. "What are you trying to say, darling?"  
  
*Thud!* Ataru fell face-first onto the floor. "Ranmaaaaaaaa..."  
  
Ranma groaned as Ataru started whining. "All right, all right. Geez." Suddenly, without changing his expression, he pointed behind Lum. "Hey, I think your flying saucer is on fire."  
  
"What?!" Lum turned around in a panic, not even stopping to wonder how a craft constructed from futuristic, super-resilient metals could catch fire in the first place. Once she had turned around, however, she did stop to wonder how Ranma could have possibly seen such a thing through the windowless back wall of the dojo.  
  
Fearing she had been tricked, Lum turned back around. Sure enough, both the object of her affection and his brother were nowhere to be seen.  
  
"Ooh! You won't get away with that!" Lum shouted ineffectually, lifting off the floor and looking around the room carefully.  
  
Failing to find any sign of the Saotomes other than their tied-up, still-sleeping father, Lum burst outside into the morning sun.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
*Splash!* "Bleagh! Ptooey! Hey, what're you doing?" Ataru complained as Ranma pulled him into the koi pond.  
  
"It's a disguise, stupid," Ranma said, dragging the soaked lecher out and then slinging her over a shoulder.  
  
"Whoa, hey! Careful! I'm more sensitive like this!"  
  
Ranma grit her teeth as she jumped over the boundary wall that surrounded the Tendo property. "Would you stop complaining when I'm trying to help you?!"  
  
Landing lightly on the other side, Ranma dropped Ataru heavily onto the ground.  
  
"Ow! Watch it!" Ataru rubbed her behind with one hand and her hair with another to relieve the aching and excess water. "Okay, fine, but why are we girls right now?"  
  
"'Cause she's only seen your female form once, and she hasn't seen mine at all," Ranma said matter-of-factly, "so even if she spots us, she probably won't recognize you right away."  
  
Ataru blinked. "Whoa... pure genius!"  
  
"Genius is easy when you're the only other one around," Ranma commented evenly, apparently unfazed by the compliment. "Now let's get to school." Adjusting her backpack over her shoulders, Ranma headed off, quickly followed by her brother.  
  
Moving at a quickened pace, the two Saotomes made it about halfway to Furinkan before they ran into Lum again, which was entirely because the alien princess had been flying around in random directions since leaving the house, not knowing where Furinkan was in the first place (and not having the clarity of mind to ask).  
  
"Darling!! Where are you?!"  
  
Ranma didn't turn toward her brother, and whispered as she kept walking. "Don't make eye contact. Move straight ahead."  
  
"Right. Gotcha." Ataru began to whistle innocently, which caused Ranma to groan and Lum to immediately focus on the pair.  
  
"Darling?!" Lum yelled, paying closer attention to the two young women down on the ground. Just as quickly, she dismissed them, and zipped away through the air, heading for the next street for searching.  
  
Ranma breathed a sigh of relief, and then turned around to chastise Ataru. Only to stop as she realized why Lum had moved on so quickly, even though Ataru had caught her attention. "Wh... Where did you get that?" She asked shakily.  
  
Ataru blinked. "What, this old thing?" She gestured down at the plain white and blue seifuku she was wearing, and Ranma took a step back involuntarily. "I got one just in case I need to disguise myself as a girl! Pretty slick, huh?"  
  
Ranma's eye twitched. "When did you put that on?"  
  
Ataru shrugged and gestured to the spot behind them. "Back there, somewhere." Then she patted down the skirt, which to Ranma's disgust was a deal shorter than was Furinkan's standard. "The skirt really isn't that bad. Though I'm wearing boxers, so I've gotta make sure it doesn't get flipped up, otherwise people'll get suspicious."  
  
Ranma's eye twitched again.  
  
The blue-haired girl then removed her backpack and offered it to Ranma. "I've actually got an extra set, if you want a disguise too."  
  
*Pow!* Without even thinking about it, Ranma's fist jetted toward Ataru's jaw, knocking the cursed lecher flat off her feet and throwing her into the wall lining the sidewalk. *Wham!*  
  
"Ugh!" Ataru groaned as bits of concrete fell down around her. "Ow... you coulda just said 'no'..."  
  
Ranma took several deep breaths, trying desperately to banish the image of her running around school in a girl's fuku. "I... uh, sorry about that... I was a little hasty, there." Then she blinked, and her eyes widened considerably.  
  
"Well, as long as you admit it," Ataru mumbled, prying herself out of the wall and smoothing her skirt. Then her head snapped up as Ranma zipped toward her. "No! Wait! I didn't do anythi-!"  
  
*Clap!*  
  
Ataru's eyes squeezed shut tightly as she waited for the blow to fall, too shaken to begin her normal routine of seemingly lucky dodges. A nanosecond seemed to stretch into infinity.........  
  
Eventually it occurred to Ataru that maybe the blow had never fallen, and that she wasn't stuck in an ultra-dramatic freeze-frame. Slowly cracking open one eye, she saw Ranma standing very close to her, struggling as she held something up in the air above Ataru's head.  
  
Slowly looking upward, Ataru beheld the curved blade of a heavy scimitar just centimeters from the top of her skull, being held up by Ranma's palms that had clapped together on either flat of the blade.  
  
Ataru blinked, frowning. Then, as if she wasn't just a hand's width away from having her brain cleaven, she calmly turned around to see who had attacked her.  
  
"Sha-Shampoo?!"  
  
Shampoo knew that she didn't cut a very intimidating figure. She had a pretty face that was free of scars and malformation, and a reasonably tall, but very curvaceous figure with hips that stuck out just right underneath an enticingly smooth waist. Her hair flowed down to her knees in a thick, elegant, purple cascade. Despite strenuous exercise, her muscle remained tight and lithe along her body, and her bust was the envy of many of her peers.  
  
Needless to say, the Chinese Amazon usually depended on the huge steel blade in her hands to tell people how dangerous she was. It was annoying not to be taken seriously at times, but Shampoo had long ago decided that she'd take looking harmless and beautiful over looking frightening and ugly. After all, she DID have the sword.  
  
However, there were times, such as when a target she had sworn to kill leapt up between her arms to give her a hug and a kiss, that the Amazon champion really wished she had a more warrior-like image.  
  
Ataru wrapped her arms eagerly around her assailant as she pressed her kiss harder, trying to force her way through Shampoo's hasty resistance. However, by the time Shampoo started trembling violently and Ranma had shouted "Run, you idiot!" for the sixth time, even the cursed lecher gave up the attempt, pulling away her lips while pressing her body harder against Shampoo's.  
  
"Come on Shamps! How about another kiss of death? Please?" Ataru grinned happily, a bit of drool escaping the corner of her mouth.  
  
*Wham!* Trembling with fury and turning red with humiliation, Shampoo slammed her forehead against Ataru's, knocking the lecherous man-turned-woman back enough for her to slam her knee into the bluette's stomach.  
  
"Urk!" *Thud!* Ataru landed flat on her back at the base of the wall Shampoo had been standing on, and would have groaned in pain, except that the position gave her a perfect view up the short Chinese dress Shampoo was wearing.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR, STUPID?!" Ranma shouted, still holding the scimitar firmly in place.  
  
Ataru wiped some of the blood from her nose (which wasn't due to Shampoo's headbutt at all), and smiled up at the Amazon. "Aw, c'mon! Don't tell me you're STILL angry about that tournament thing! Water under the bridge, baby! We're in Japan now! Let me show you around, eh?"  
  
Gritting her teeth, Shampoo pulled hard on her sword, unbalancing Ranma and placing the redhead in position for a punishing kick to the head that sent her sprawling into the street.  
  
Ataru blinked. "Whoa. Uh... say, just how serious are you about this killing thing?"  
  
"You shut up now!!" Shampoo yelled, her chest heaving as she pulled back in preparation for a jumping chop. "Shampoo kill!"  
  
"Gyah!" Ataru jumped back as the scimitar came down right in front of her, digging into the sidewalk. "You're telling me you seriously-whoa!" She ducked low under a horizontal slash, and then rolled backward to evade a kick. "You seriously came all this-yipe!-way just to-waugh!-just to kill me?!"  
  
Shampoo growled as Ataru leapt backward out of range and then sought cover behind a utility pole, peeking out at her. "Of course Shampoo come all this way kill you! Why else come?"  
  
Ataru actually looked hurt as she cowered behind the concrete pillar. "Well... I was... you know... hoping that you liked me..."  
  
*Thud!* Shampoo couldn't help but facefault at the admission, and massaged her head as she stood up again. "How you get stupid idea like that?!"  
  
"But... you issued this whole 'hunting you down and killing you' thing by kissing me!" Ataru protested.  
  
"That how it done! All Amazon do when beaten by other woman!" Shampoo shouted, her face burning.  
  
Back on the street, Ranma was sitting on the ground, watching the exchange with her head in her hands, and trying to decide whether to knock Shampoo out or flee the scene entirely.  
  
"But I bet not all Amazons kiss like you do!" Ataru offered, smiling brightly. "I mean, with tongue and everything?"  
  
Shampoo twitched mightily, and she grit her teeth as a red aura began to build around her. "Shampoo mean to kiss on CHEEK!! Idiot girl kiss on mouth!! One more thing humiliate Shampoo before tribe!"  
  
"So you don't like me at all?" Ataru asked timidly, looking like she was on the verge of tears.  
  
"Shampoo like MAN!!" The Amazon attested hotly, jabbing her sword at her target. "Have no problem if idiot girl like that, so long as stay away from Shampoo!" Then she stopped and reconsidered that last statement. "Really, not matter though, since Shampoo kill anyway."  
  
Choosing to ignore the last comment, Ataru grinned and strode out from behind the pole. "Well, if it's a man you want..."  
  
Ranma immediately got up, and calmly walked past Shampoo toward her cursed brother.  
  
"... Then baby, I've got all the-" *Wham!* Ataru was effectively silenced as Ranma grabbed the front of her face and slammed her head backward into the nearby utility pole.  
  
The redhead then turned toward Shampoo. "Look, I really don't know why you're being such a brat about this. So you lost one fight! It's not like the dolt hurt you or nothing, so stop being such a sore loser!"  
  
Ataru pulled her head out of the pole. "Oh, that sounds REAL rich, coming from-" *Wham!* Ranma promptly put it back in.  
  
Shampoo shook her head at the twins' antics. "Not try to explain to outsider. You not understand Amazon honor. Is way of warrior!" The she shifted stances, moving her body sideways while positioning her sword overhead. "Now you move now, or you die too! Obstacles are for killing!"  
  
"Nice philosophy," Ranma muttered, scratching her chin. To Ataru's alarm, she actually seemed to consider Shampoo's words. Finally, the redhead shrugged. "Okay, fine."  
  
"WHAT?!?!" Ataru shouted, horrified. "You're gonna let her kill me?!"  
  
Ranma wisely took several steps back. "I'm gonna let her try, at least."  
  
"But, but," Ataru stuttered, "you can't, man! We're family! We gotta stick together and-YAAH!!"  
  
Ataru ducked under a horizontal slice, and then dashed backward as the utility pole began to teeter over, its base having been cut clean through.  
  
Shampoo quickly checked that the pole wasn't about to fall in her direction, and then turned once more toward Ataru, her sword pointed forward. "Ataru, you run too, too long now! Is time to face death like warrior! You make good for Shampoo, and fight in last moments! Way of coward is-"  
  
*CRASH!!* The Amazon's speech ended prematurely as the large concrete pole fell down atop her, knocking her out instantly.  
  
At the base of the fallen pillar, Ranma dusted off her hands, smirking. "Kick ME in the face, will you?"  
  
Ataru blinked, and then looked worriedly at the mess of purple hair sticking out from under the concrete cylinder. "Do you think she's okay?"  
  
"You're welcome," Ranma mumbled sourly, "and she's probably feeling better right now than you will be if you don't shut up and follow me."  
  
Glancing at Ranma's retreating back, Ataru gave one last sorrowful look at the comatose Chinese beauty before dashing off after her brother. "You didn't have to hit her that hard, you know!"  
  
"I didn't hit her!" Ranma countered, searching the streets for something as she ran toward Furinkan, "I just pushed on the pole she cut!"  
  
"Oh, whatever!" Ataru shouted, trying to keep up. Without the motivation of a cute girl ahead of her or a sharp, pointy thing behind her, she had trouble keeping up with the super-agile redhead.  
  
"Besides, just what the hell did you think you were doing back there?!" Ranma shouted back, slowing down a bit so that Ataru could catch up to her. "Shampoo's out to kill you! Get that through your thick skull! Next time I might not be able to stop her without taking her down directly, and then she'll be after BOTH our hides!"  
  
"Oh, come on!" Ataru protested. "She's not that bad! And you've gotta love the way they issue challenges!" Ataru grinned.  
  
*Thwack!* Stopping long enough to kick her brother in the face, Ranma continued searching the streets until she found a small vendor cart on the sidewalk.  
  
"Ah ha! Wait here Ataru!"  
  
"Like I have a choice..." Ataru mumbled, lying on her back in the middle of the street as Ranma ran for the cart.  
  
A few moments later Ranma returned with two cups of steaming hot water in her hands and a disgusted look on her face.  
  
"Dirty old man, asking me out... he's gotta be three times my age!" Shaking her head, she kicked Ataru lightly in the side. "Come on. We should change behind some cover, so that he can't see. I might need to get water from him in the future."  
  
Ataru slowly got to her feet, and followed Ranma behind the corner of the canal wall. "... Still, you gotta admit, the girl's got persistence, following us all the way to Japan!"  
  
"Following YOU," Ranma corrected sharply, dumping the hot water over her head.  
  
Ataru snorted. "Oh, right, like you wouldn't have fought her if I hadn't gotten on that log first. You and Pop were the ones eating her prize."  
  
Ranma grit his teeth as he splashed the other cup into Ataru's face. "You only got on the log to introduce yourself and try and hit on her! And you didn't even defeat her! You just jumped around until she got so exhausted that she tripped and fell onto the ground!"  
  
Ataru smiled smugly and raised one hand, observing his fingernails. "It was a flawless victory, if I do say so myself."  
  
"It was a hideous affront to everything martial arts stands for." Ranma said flatly, crossing his arms over his chest.  
  
"Well gee, aren't we eloquent..." Ataru mumbled in response.  
  
"Just shut up and get ready to go," Ranma said, turning around pointedly.  
  
Ataru blinked. "Huh? Get ready? I am ready."  
  
Ranma turned around and stared at him expressionlessly. Then he squeezed his eyes shut tight and massaged his head. "Ataru..."  
  
"What?" The young lecher asked, honestly mystified.  
  
"The dress, Ataru. The dress."  
  
"... Oh! Right!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Wow Akane, you're sure in high spirits today," Yuka commented as Akane finished telling them all about the conclusion to the race that had taken place yesterday.  
  
Akane giggled, smiling brightly. "I sure am! With Lum around, that pervert Ataru can't get to me! Last night when he said he wanted to sleep in my room, Lum blasted him!" Her friends sweatdropped as she laughed heartily. "You should have seen it! He lit up like Hiroshima at the end of World War II!"  
  
"But Akane, isn't it awful having that alien in your house?" Sayuri asked, rummaging through her bookbag. "I mean, her race did try to conquer Earth."  
  
Akane shrugged. "We're past all that now; why hold it against them? Just so long as she keeps that perverted freak off of me."  
  
Yuka scratched the back of her head. "So, Akane... why exactly is this guy living with you, anyway?"  
  
Akane shuddered mightily, feeling some of her recent hysteria well up inside. "I... I don't really want to talk about it... Let's just say that my dad kept really bad company when he was younger."  
  
"Speak of the devil..." Sayuri muttered, staring over Akane's shoulder.  
  
Akane turned back to look, scowling. "Damn. Lum's not here..." But after a few moments, she shrugged her shoulders. Ataru didn't bother her much at school; there were plenty of girls here, and every one of them reacted less violently than she did to being harassed. Surprisingly (to Akane, at least), he had also kept true to her request not to reveal the engagement (for some reason, it escaped Akane's perceived realm of possibilities that Ataru would rather be able to freely hit on girls than brag about being her fiance or have an excuse to molest her in-between classes).  
  
"Pardon me..."  
  
The three girls turned around, startled at hearing a voice so close to them. When they had found the source of the voice, they stared.  
  
It was a boy about their age, if not a little bit older, but he was obviously not a student. It wasn't so much the lack of a uniform that betrayed this (Furinkan had a very lax policy concerning the uniform. Something around the lines of: "you don't dress up, we don't give a damn"), but rather that he seemed to be a traveler living off the road, from virtue of his heavy, dust-stained clothes and the massive backpack he carried. Why a man was going on a nature hike in a Tokyo suburb was anyone's guess, but that looked to be the situation.  
  
"Yes? Can I help you?" Akane asked, giving an occasional glance back at Ranma and Ataru to gauge what they were doing.  
  
"Ah, c-can you tell me how to get to... uh..." The boy tugged nervously on the bandanna tied around his forehead, which was yellow with black spots. Then he took out a small slip of paper from his pocket. "Um, d-do you know the way to... Furinkan High School? In, uh, Nerima?"  
  
Akane stopped watching Ataru approach and concentrated all her focus on giving the stranger a disbelieving stare. "You're kidding, right?"  
  
The boy groaned. "Oh, no! Am I in the wrong district again?"  
  
Akane sweatdropped. "No. No, you're not. THIS is Furinkan High School." She pointed to the large, conspicuous concrete slab next to the gate that had the school's name printed on it.  
  
The traveler stared at the sign as if he couldn't believe it. Not that the three girls were surprised, as he was obviously embarrassed about wandering around the place he was looking for without even realizing it.  
  
"HALLELUJAH!!" The boy shouted, throwing his arms up in the air and causing the girls to jump back in surprise. "Finally, I've made it!! This is it!! Ataru Saotome, today Ryoga Hibiki shall at last bring you to justice!!"  
  
"Who, me?"  
  
Ryoga blinked rapidly, then turned around to look at the boy who was pointing curiously at himself.  
  
"Ata... Ataru? Is... is that really you?" Ryoga asked, bewildered.  
  
Ataru scratched his head. "Uh, yeah, it's me, I guess... who're you?"  
  
*WHAM!!* Dirt blew upward in a tall, dusty cylinder as the lost traveler pulverized the ground with a surprise jump attack, obscuring the center of the impact. It had happened so fast that most people that had been watching the exchange closely were not aware that anyone had attacked until they saw the impact itself.  
  
Ryoga wasn't most people, however, and as the dust cleared, he was already searching for his victim, gripping in his hand the umbrella he had bundled atop his backpack.  
  
'Where did he go? I know I saw a blur pass by right before I hit...'  
  
"Who the hell are you?!"  
  
Ryoga turned around and moved into a defensive stance, aware that the angry shout hadn't come from Ataru.  
  
Luckily for said lecher, Ranma wasn't most people either, and had realized Ryoga's intentions quickly enough to throw Ataru over his shoulder and move out of the impact zone. It was lucky he had too, because he was certain that Ataru's brain wouldn't have had time to shift into "uncanny dodge" mode before moron had gotten smashed.  
  
Ryoga's eyes narrowed. "You stay out of this. It doesn't involve you."  
  
Ranma's eyes narrowed as well. "I didn't ask permission to interfere. I asked who you are. Answer the question, or that bandanna's going to be the only thing holding your skull in one piece."  
  
Members of the student body that had stopped to watch the turn of events swallowed nervously and began to back away. They remembered very well the kind of damage Ranma was capable of when he was upset.  
  
Ryoga frowned. He was too stubborn to let it show, or even fully admit it to himself, but the way this kid was staring at him, coupled with his tone of voice, had shaken him somewhat. Of course, Ryoga wasn't intimidated often by other men looking for a fight (as opposed to girls asking for the time of day, of which he was terrified), so he responded to the danger signals with the same kind of common sense and good judgment the Hibiki clan was famous for.  
  
"Ha! I'd like to see you try, little man!" Ryoga snorted and hefted his umbrella, pointing it straight at Ranma (who had finally dropped Ataru on the ground). "Why don't you get out of the way before you get stepped on or something?"  
  
*Fwack!* *Whup* *Whup* *Whup* *Whup*  
  
Ryoga blinked as his umbrella left his hand and jumped into the air, doing lazy somersaults as it went. Ranma stood right in front of him, and slowly lowered his leg out of kicking position, a calm expression on his face.  
  
"You can call me 'little man' if you want, I don't really care, but I'm not going to let you beat up my brother without even telling me why."  
  
Ryoga blinked yet again. 'Brother? Oh, right! That little worm had a twin brother, didn't he?'  
  
The lost boy frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. "I am-" *Thwack!*  
  
Ranma watched Ryoga stagger backward as his own umbrella fell to Earth and collided with his head.  
  
"Look out." Ranma deadpanned. Much of the surrounding crowd snickered.  
  
Ryoga growled, baring his elongated canines. "My name is Ryoga Hibiki! Now move out of the way, jerk!"  
  
Ataru scratched his head. "Ryoga... Ryoga... Ryoga... nope, doesn't ring a bell. Do you have a cute sister? I'd probably remember her."  
  
"No! I'm an only child!" Ryoga picked up his umbrella and moved his arm back. "And now your brother will be too!" He launched himself forward, causing the crowd to gasp.  
  
*Fwack!* *Thump* *Thud!* Making two bodily rotations with a single leg extended, Ranma once again kicked Ryoga's umbrella into the air, and then doubled around to sweep the lost boy's feet out from under him.  
  
"Slow down there, Dracula," Ranma murmured, dropping down so that he sat on the backs of his legs while balancing on the balls of his feet, "you sound like you're reasonably serious about the death thing. What's your problem?"  
  
In the surrounding crowd, the whispering began.  
  
"Why's Ranma getting involved in this? Let the pervert get what's coming to him."  
  
"I think it's great that he's standing up for that loser! He's so noble!"  
  
"Man, he's got this new guy at his mercy!"  
  
"I wonder what Ataru did to him? It's not like he'd bother a guy, and he said he was an only child, so he's not angry about his sister being groped..."  
  
Watching with her friends, Akane snickered gleefully. "Oh, this is great! First the alien, and now this guy! He'll be dead or gone by the end of the week!" Her laugh took on a more maniacal edge, and her friends began to inch away a bit.  
  
Ryoga twitched angrily, slowly pushing his face up from the dirt. "Saotome...... you-" *Thwack!*  
  
Ranma shook his head as the unnaturally heavy umbrella once again made Ryoga one with the ground. "Man, you'd think you'd have learned after the first time. Do you get struck in the head with large objects often?"  
  
More snickering came from the crowd, and a red, blazing aura began to collect over Ryoga's back.  
  
"Seriously though," Ranma relented, "when did you meet Ataru, and what'd he do? In all likelihood he does deserve whatever you want to give him, but I've gotta make sure."  
  
"Uhm, right..." Ataru began to back away. "Well, tell you what, I should get to class now, so tell me how it turns-OUGH!" his escape was foiled when Ranma grabbed the back of his shirt and held fast, nearly choking him.  
  
Ryoga did his best to calm down as he stood up, but really, talking about his problems wasn't his strong point. He was much better at smashing his problems into tiny pieces, really. The fact that he responded rather than attacking can be fully attributed to the fact that at the time, he couldn't decide which Saotome he wanted to strangle first.  
  
"In... junior high... years ago... we were in the same class..." Ryoga mumbled, his fists clenching and unclenching.  
  
Ranma blinked. "Junior high... oh! I remember! Ryoga Hibiki! Yeah! I remember you! How you doing, man?!"  
  
Ryoga ignored him and pointed a finger at Ataru. "You..."  
  
Ataru scratched his head some more. "Junior high...... nope, nothing. Though, I do remember this REALLY cute blonde that I asked out from back then."  
  
Ryoga grit his teeth.  
  
"Hey, remember me? Ataru's brother? Ranma? We used to fight over bread all the time! Remember? I always won?" Ranma tried unsuccessfully to get Ryoga's attention, letting go of Ataru.  
  
"Ataru..." Ryoga's fist shook in front of him. "That 'blonde' you remember was-"  
  
"Keiko Mebami," Ataru answered easily, reaching into the depths of his memory that held the name and image of every woman he'd ever met, "she didn't go to our school, since it was all boys, but she used to meet with this one dork and walk him home." Ataru snickered. "Heh! Now that I think of it, that idiot had the worst sense of direction I'd ever seen! And then I suckered him into introducing me to Keiko! What a rube!"  
  
Ranma sighed as Ryoga began to glow again, his aura giving him the image of a demon straight out of hell. "Ataru... this guy IS that dork."  
  
Ataru stopped laughing and froze, then slowly focused his attention on Ryoga, who was almost setting the grass on fire with the power of his aura. "Oh... uh... I remember you now! ......... Hello!"  
  
*SMASH!!* Ataru jumped out of the way as Ryoga plowed a fist into the ground he had been standing on.  
  
"Ataru... because of you, I have seen HELL!!" Ryoga shouted, yanking his fist out of the Earth.  
  
"Eh? I haven't seen you since junior high! What's your problem?!"  
  
"Because of you..." Ryoga's eyes clenched shut, and a lone tear ran down his face. "Keiko never forgave me for letting you tag along and harass her! My first love was shattered, and the pieces of my broken heart still lie there, at that accursed school!"  
  
Ranma sweatdropped. 'Whoa. Major drama queen.'  
  
Ataru sweatdropped as well. "What? That's stupid. You were in JUNIOR HIGH, man! You were a little kid! Move on!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!" Ryoga growled, raising a fist in the air. "I'm not done yet! Then , to add insult to injury, you didn't even show up for our fight! I challenged you to a fight in that abandoned lot, and even had a policeman lead me there so I'd make it on time, and you weren't there!"  
  
Ataru snorted. "Well, DUH. You know I can't fight. Why would I show up?"  
  
Ryoga's infuriated expression slowly changed into a malevolent one. "Well now the fight's come to you, you coward! Now you'll pay!"  
  
Charging forward, Ryoga cocked back a fist for the attack, already imagining the feeling of Ataru's bones shattering under the force of his knuckles.  
  
*Thud!* His movement was halted as Ranma jumped right on top of his head and kicked downward, driving the lost boy into the ground.  
  
"Now wait just a minute!" Ranma protested indignantly. "What about me?!"  
  
"Who the hell are you?!" Ryoga shouted into the dirt.  
  
"I'm his brother, remember?! You don't remember me at all?!" Ranma jumped off of Ryoga's head, positioning himself between the fanged boy and his brother.  
  
"No! Go away!" Ryoga slowly picked himself up off the ground, making a disgusted face at how much dirt was being ground into his shirt today.  
  
"But we used to fight all the time!" Ranma insisted. "I always beat you to the last piece of bread, and when you'd get angry and attack me, I'd always win! What about that?"  
  
"Don't be ridiculous!" Ryoga shouted angrily. "What kind of an idiot would go through all I've been through over some bread?! He'd have to be the dumbest loser on the planet!"  
  
Ranma frowned. "Hmmmm... that's actually a good point..." He crossed his arms over his chest. "However, I still can't let you kill Ataru."  
  
"Then you'll die with him!" Ryoga shouted, driving forward with his arms positioned to rip through Ranma's defenses.  
  
*Brrrrrrrrrrrring!*  
  
Both combatants froze as the bell rang, and slowly became more aware of their surroundings. Namely, how their surroundings were absent of other people.  
  
"Gah! Everybody's already gone to class! I'm late!" Not bothering with Ryoga any further, Ranma dashed away to the front doors of the school.  
  
"Hey, wait! How do you get to Ataru's class?! I still need to kill him! I don't think... I can... find... aw, crud..."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Man, two attempts on my life in one day!" Ataru muttered irritably. "And it's not even lunch yet! All I need now is for Lum to show up..."  
  
"Ataru, are you all right?" The young lecher turned around in his seat as Shinobu walked up to him. "I... I heard that some boy attacked you in the front yard..."  
  
"Oh Shinobu!" Ataru jumped up and hugged his sort-of-girlfriend, sighing deeply as he did so. "I was afraid I'd never get to see you again!"  
  
Shinobu blinked rapidly. "You... you were?"  
  
Ataru straightened his arms so that he held her by the shoulders at arms' length. "Shinobu, I just want to say that I'm sorry about what happened at the race. You know I'd never take that alien bimbo over you! You're the only girl for me!" He released her and took up one of her hands in one of his.  
  
Little flower petals seemed to materialize around Shinobu as Ataru stared deeply into her eyes. "Oh Ataru... do you mean it?"  
  
"The hell he does," a nearby girl muttered sourly, "why don't you try doing that without your fingers crossed?"  
  
"Why don't you try minding your own business?" Ataru countered irritably.  
  
"Feh. It would've been better if that fanged guy had squashed you."  
  
"Hey! Don't say such a cruel thing about him!" Shinobu protested. "That jerk came out of nowhere and just attacked him! He's nothing but a common thug!"  
  
"Yeah! What she said!" Ataru added.  
  
"Yeah, right!" Another girl said, standing up from her seat. "That poor boy, torn from his true love by your perversion! It's so sad! And then you don't even have the courage to stand up for yourself like a man!"  
  
"Give me a break!" Ataru shouted. "Keiko was only nice to Ryoga because she felt sorry for the dope! He couldn't find his way back to his own house without help! And the way he stuttered and stammered around her, she honestly thought he was retarded!"  
  
The girls considered this.  
  
"Well, okay, fine, but the fight thing still stands." The first girl said.  
  
"Uh huh, sure," Ataru mumbled, "do I LOOK suicidal to you? That guy could probably kick an SUV through a football goal! And he's out to KILL me!"  
  
"Yeah, so leave Ataru alone!" Shinobu insisted. "I mean, this all happened YEARS ago! What kind of guy chases down a childhood menace for that long! They were just kids, for crying out loud!"  
  
The opposing girls were still thinking of a suitable argument for that when the teacher entered the classroom.  
  
"Good morning, class. Please take your seats and quiet down." He put his briefcase down on the front desk, and then got out his attendance sheet.  
  
*Bam!* "Wait! I'm here!" Ranma shouted, bursting through the door and skidding to a stop right in front of the teacher's desk.  
  
The man didn't even look up. "So you are. You're late. Get a pair of buckets and go stand in the hall. And THIS time, try to go a whole day without destroying the school, would you?"  
  
Ranma stood shock-still for a moment, then cast a deadly glare at his twin brother (who happily waved back) and left the room to get a pair of buckets.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Once he had filled the buckets up with water, Ranma stood in front of his classroom door, holding the two weights solidly with his arms stretched all the way out to either side. In such a position the weight had the least possible leverage for him to support it, so at least he got some kind of workout from the meaningless punishment.  
  
"Stupid Ataru, makin' me late for class... only stopped to help him... could've at least told me..." he continued mumbling sourly to himself, and eventually made a mental note to force his lecherous twin to thank him the next time they crossed paths.  
  
"Yeesh. First we have to get away from Lum, then we have to sidestep Shampoo, and now this Ryoga guy is on our backs. We've never had this much trouble catch up with us in less than a month before!"  
  
"Ah, so I hear your wretched ways have finally been paying their dues. Karma is harsh mistress, is she not?"  
  
Ranma raised an eyebrow, and then slowly turned to see Kuno standing down the hall, smirking. In his hand was a steel katana, obviously of fine and expensive construction, but made for use, not for display.  
  
Kuno, being Kuno, was not unnerved or even confused when Ranma suddenly smiled slightly.  
  
"You know, after all the crap I've been through this morning, thrashing you is going to be refreshingly routine." Ranma grinned and let his arms drop to his side before putting down his buckets.  
  
Kuno chuckled haughtily. "You will not find me so easily vanquished, fiend, for I stand before you a new man!" He thrust a fist into the air.  
  
Ranma blinked. "'A new man'? What, did you hit your head and get amnesia?" It didn't seem terribly likely; Kuno's head had taken such ridiculous levels of damage before that Ranma seriously doubted it housed anything of importance anyway.  
  
"Nay, hold your pitiful attempts at witticism Saotome, for they merely accentuate your ignorance." Kuno rubbed his chin, as if deep in thought. "I have come to the conclusion, knave, that my earlier duels against thee have lacked a most crucial element on my part: the serenity and nobility for which one such as I is naturally entitled to."  
  
"Personally, if I were you, I'd be more worried about the lack of brains," Ranma commented quite seriously. "Of course, if I were you, then I wouldn't be me, so I might not have my perspective." Ranma mounted his chin on his fist in thought. "More to the point, if I were you, would I have your mind and soul, or just your body? Saying that I'm you kind of implies that I'd only be in your body, but then I hardly think I'd be picking fights with me, you know?"  
  
*Thud!*  
  
Ranma looked over toward where Kuno had stood, only to see that the older boy was lying face-down on the floor, out cold.  
  
He blinked. "Whoa... did I just outsmart him into unconsciousness?" Really, Ranma had just been fooling around to try and drag the fight out, since it didn't seem like he'd have much else to do during his punishment time.  
  
Sensing a presence approaching from behind, Ranma turned around, and raised an eyebrow when he saw who approached.  
  
*Clap* *Clap* *Clap* "Well done, Saotome, well done," the vice principal's glasses gleamed in the fluorescent lights as he clapped slowly, approaching the pigtailed youth at a measured pace. "Quite a display. But not quite as... complicated... as the one you put me through." Behind the administrator was another man, who was dressed in a formal business suit.  
  
Ranma shrugged, apparently unconcerned. "Yeah, I know. The thing is, Kuno really is stupid, and on some level, I kind of feel sorry for him." Then he smirked. "You're just a jerk, so I don't have to feel guilty about whatever I do to you."  
  
The vice principal chuckled darkly. "Oh, yes. About that..." then he pulled a slip of paper from his jacket. "Here. This is for you."  
  
Ranma calmly took the paper. "Let me guess: expulsion?"  
  
"Ha!" The VP barked a short laugh. "That would be too easy after the humiliation you put me through! Read the paper!"  
  
Ranma frowned and did so. "Hmmmm... pay for the damage to the school... pay for the excess electricity used... pay for your hospital bill..." he looked up at the grinning old man. "This is legal paperwork, not a school punishment."  
  
"Quite right, quite right." The VP grinned wider. "You have a sharp mind, though you have exceedingly poor judgment." He handed Ranma another slip of paper. "Here."  
  
"Ah, here we go," Ranma said, reading the new document, "cleaning all the toilets, scrubbing the furnace, dusting the basement, washing the administrations' cars... and so on and so forth."  
  
Ranma stopped reading and stretched. "So, you must know that I'm not gonna do any of that, so why don't you hurry up and explain what's keeping me from making another glow rod outta you?"  
  
"That would be me," the other man said, calmly stepping forward with a very strict and cold demeanor about him. "I am this man's attorney. Ranma Saotome, my client has every right at this point to enact legal measures against you that would result in a number of severe, life-altering penalties. He has declined to do so, unless you should continue these acts of violent aggression and disrespectful threatening. I can assure you though, that should my client come to harm, "harm" meaning of course any number of legally binding definitions, including, but not limited to, experience of, threat of, or thought of pain, that he should-"  
  
Before the lawyer was allowed to drone on any further, Ranma's hand whipped out and grabbed the front of his shirt. Then, before the wide-eyed vice principle, Ranma lifted the man high into the air above his head.  
  
"Okay. I understand," he said simply. Then his eyes narrowed. "You're first."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
*Brrrrrrrrrring!*  
  
Ataru sighed in relief once the bell rang that ended class, glad that another boring English lesson had finally concluded.  
  
Shinobu put away her books and walked over to her sort-of boyfriend, and then noticed that he was looking around the classroom for something. "Ataru? Is something wrong?"  
  
Ataru blinked, then turned toward her. "I was asleep during most of class; did Ranma ever come back in?"  
  
"Ranma? No." Shinobu answered hesitantly, wondering herself what had become of the pigtailed boy.  
  
"Aw, man! Now who's going to be my bodyguard?!" The lecher complained, slumping down into his seat. "Two pychos trying to kill me before class even starts, and Ranma just up and leaves?"  
  
"Well, he might be waiting for you still," Shinobu offered, heading toward the door.  
  
Entering the rush of students flowing out of the classroom, the couple soon found themselves in the hall. Though a great number of people were currently roaming around in preparation for their next classes, Ranma's telltale red shirt was nowhere to be found among the sea of drab school uniforms.  
  
"Well, this bites," Ataru muttered, "what if Ryoga shows up again? I'll be creamed for sure!"  
  
Shinobu blinked. "Didn't you say you were better than your brother in some ways?"  
  
Ataru frowned, and thought about it. "Yeah, now that you mention it, I guess Ryoga probably couldn't get me if things really came down to it. Still, I'd feel better if he was around."  
  
Shinobu giggled. "You and your brother are really close, aren't you?"  
  
Ataru chuckled alongside Shinobu. "I hope he shows up soon," he said nervously, not answering the question.  
  
"Oh, don't worry," Shinobu insisted, "we'll probably see him in class. All he had to do was stand in the hallway; how much trouble could he get into?"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Let's see now... 'the payload will only fly free of the arm when movement of the arm is arrested, as the payload is totally reliant upon the force of the arm's motion for momentum. Find the optimization of the following equation to determine the arc, in degrees, required for the farthest projectile distance.'"  
  
Ranma finished reading the problem out of the physics textbook in his hand and turned to look at the wooden catapult he had constructed. "What the heck's an 'optimization'?" He asked irritably, scratching his head as he looked over the data in the book.  
  
"Mmmph! Mmph!" In the arm of the siege weapon laid the vice principal's lawyer, bound to the point that he could only wiggle slightly as he tried to get free.  
  
Ranma sighed and closed the book. "Man, Ataru was right, making these things is harder than it looks." He turned around again to look at the vice principal, who was bound and gagged next to a pile of excess wood and tools. "Do you think maybe I should have gone for the slingshot instead?"  
  
"MMMMPH!! MMMMMMMMPH!!" The VP struggled vainly against his bonds, obviously terrified.  
  
"Aw, the heck with it," Ranma mumbled, closing the book and tossing it on the ground. "We'll do this with trial and error. Ready?"  
  
"MMMMMMMMMMMMPH!!" The lawyer cried, tears of horror streaming down his face.  
  
Ranma walked around to the back of the device, and took hold of the lever. "The book says that there should be something to stop the motion of the arm, but that requires a whole other part, so we'll see how it works without one." With that he pulled the lever back, releasing the latch that held the catapult arm in place.  
  
*Ka-chung!* *WHAM!!* The attorney was promptly slammed straight into the ground as the arm swung around in a 180 degree arc, only stopping and releasing its payload once it struck the other end of the base.  
  
Ranma stared mutely at the scene for a few moments before turning toward the VP. "Man, I'm glad I'm not taking physics this year. Your turn!" Ranma began to reset the arm, and the vice principal redoubled his efforts to break his bonds.  
  
"Okay... there! I guess I should stop the arm half-way or something..." Looking around, he found a medium sized rock, and then picked it up.  
  
*Thunk!* He jammed it into the front of the arm slot, and then dusted off his hands.  
  
"There! That should get some distance ... I guess." Then he walked back and slung the vice principal over his shoulder.  
  
While the man had been unable to get free, he had, amazingly enough, finally managed to chew through his gag.  
  
"Oh please!! Please don't do this!! I'm so sorry!! I take it all back!! I pardon you for all offenses!!"  
  
Ranma whistled happily as he lifted the man up and into the launch trough.  
  
"You can't do this!! It's inhuman!! I'VE GOT A FAMILY!!!"  
  
Ranma took hold the of the launch lever. "I'll be sure to send them my condolences." Then he saluted. "Ready to fly, captain?"  
  
"PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU!!" The man screamed. "I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT!!!"  
  
Ranma hesitated. "Really? Anything? ...... Can I have your job?"  
  
"What?!" He shouted indignantly. "Over my dead body!!" Then he remembered his current situation. "Mommy."  
  
*Ka-chung!* "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..."  
  
Ranma held a hand over his eyes as he watched the administrator fly through the air. "There! Now that's how it's supposed to work!" Then he crossed his arms. "Too bad though. I wonder what it would have been like, to be vice principal." It probably would have been more interesting than being a student, though Ranma hadn't really been serious about the offer.  
  
"There you are!!"  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"WaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"  
  
Sakura jerked to attention as she heard a swiftly rising scream come from outside, and turned away from the bruised football player she had been treating as she tried to ascertain where it was coming from.  
  
*WHAAAAM!!* *Crash!!* *Crumble* *Crunch* The part-time nurse and shrine priestess shielded her face as the wall of her office exploded inward, and then coughed as a cloud of dust rose in the room from the sudden rain of debris.  
  
After a few moments of waving the dust out of her eyes, she noticed that whatever had crashed through the wall had landed rather awkwardly atop a thankfully empty exam bed.  
  
Raising an eyebrow, she ignored the exclamations of her normal morning influx of Akane victims and approached the apparent projectile, which was surrounding by chunks of what used to be her wall.  
  
"Oh, great. It's the vice principal," she muttered. Not that she had any particular problems with the man, but any time the current authority came flying through a strong, solid barrier into your care, there was bound to be trouble.  
  
"All right, everybody out. I've got a serious patient now." She began to wave the group of massacred teenagers out the door, all of whom gave irritated grumbles and whiny protests as they left.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma's left eye twitched as he recognized the high-pitched voice. "So... found your way here, huh?"  
  
Lum smirked and crossed her arms under her breasts. "Did you really think such a stupid trick could distract me for long?"  
  
The pigtailed boy turned around. "No. I'm kind of amazed that it distracted you at all. Like you said, it was pretty stupid."  
  
Lum grit her teeth, revealing a pair of fangs that easily put Ryoga's to shame. "Be quiet and tell me where darling is!"  
  
"Why don't you just leave the dork alone?" Ranma reasoned. "He'll be back after school's over, anyway."  
  
"A married couple should stay together," Lum insisted.  
  
"Married couples don't usually go to class together," Ranma countered. "Kind of gets distracting, and makes it hard to study, ya know?"  
  
"Well, I need to keep an eye on him!" Lum said, grasping for reasons to be with her love. "Who knows what he's doing behind my back?"  
  
"Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!" Lum blinked as Ranma suddenly burst into laughter. "You honestly think that you can 'keep an eye' on Ataru? Gimme a break!" He trailed off snickering. "Look, I can tell you all about the things that he's doing behind your back, and if you're around, the only difference is that he'll be doing them right in front of you." Ranma turned away pointedly.  
  
Lum fumed. "That's not true! I'll get him to stop doing perverted things, even if I have to beat loyalty into him!"  
  
Ranma snorted. "Oh, spare me! I've been trying for years, Miss Invader, and you're nowhere near as good as I am. Save yourself some grief right now and fill out some divorce forms, Lum. All the couples counselors in the world couldn't save your marriage."  
  
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!" Lum cried, electricity arcing around her hand as she pulled her arm back.  
  
*BRZZACK!* Ranma's image faded from view as lightning crashed into the spot he had been standing just moments before.  
  
Lum blinked as she realized she had missed, then caught a flash of red out of the corner of her eye.  
  
"Hey! How did you get all the way over there?!" Lum shouted, pointing at the figure in the tree just a few meters away from where she was floating in the air.  
  
Ranma smirked. "I'm just that good. Which is why you should really think twice about bringing this to blows."  
  
Lum's eyes narrowed. "Was that a threat?"  
  
"No," Ranma said evenly, "this is a threat: throw another lightning bolt at me, and you're going to find out what it's like to fly without using your powers."  
  
"Ha! You're no match for me!" Lum boasted, flying higher up and charging her lightning field.  
  
"Bring it on, you stupid alien!" Ranma shouted, jumping away from the tree as it was suddenly consumed by streams of electricity.  
  
Ranma hit the ground and twisted, launching himself under two more electric bolts as he headed for Lum's position.  
  
He had no intention of hurting his new sister-in-law, but she had brought things to violence, and needed to be taught that one, all-important lesson: when it comes to combat, Ranma Saotome is tops, no questions asked. That she could fly and hurl energy bolts at him from relative safety only made the challenge more enjoyable, and the eventual victory that much sweeter.  
  
Ranma skidded to a stop, and a lance of energy blew a crater into the ground in front of him. "Hey, here's an idea: try aiming!" He shouted, grinning.  
  
"Hey, here's an idea: shut up and eat zaps!" Lum shouted back, throwing another barrage of lightning attacks at her foe.  
  
Ranma dashed backward, shielding his eyes as the ground in front of him burst open in a series of bright flashes. "Oh, yeah, great comeback! Is there something wrong with you, or do all of your race have the brains of Earth chipmunks?"  
  
Lum growled as her lightning field built up even more energy, and her horns elongated slightly. "Shut up! You can't dodge forever!"  
  
Ranma smirked. "I don't plan to. I just thought I'd give you a chance to give up and apologize before I humiliate you."  
  
"Ha! What're you going to do from down there?! Insult me into submission?!" Lum snarled.  
  
"Hey, not half bad! You're getting the hang of this snappy comeback thing!" Ranma praised, smiling brightly.  
  
*Ka-Zakk!* Ranma twisted away as another bolt lashed by him, and then his expression turned serious.  
  
"Seriously though, if you insist on pushing this, I have no choice." Ranma shifted his body, and took up an unusual stance, leaning forward slightly with his knees bent.  
  
"You have no choice... but to what?" Lum asked cautiously, a slight sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.  
  
"Behold, the Shisou Style Ninjitsu first master form: Anything-Goes revision!" Ranma held his stance, as if waiting for someone to "ooh" and "aah".  
  
He smirked. In his efforts to surpass his father and find ways to distract himself from his troubles putting up with Ataru, he had studied under several masters besides his father to complement his abilities. Though the Anything-Goes school already incorporated a significant portion of effective Ninjitsu into its teachings (which was no surprise, given the school's reputation for superior agility and underhanded tactics), the Shisou school had provided several special tricks that Ranma had found particularly interesting.  
  
Lum, with all her lack of experience with martial arts, wasn't terribly impressed with Ranma's knowledge of an advanced Ninjitsu stance, and almost casually launched a lightning bolt at him.  
  
"Shadow split!" *Ka-Zakk!*  
  
Lum gasped as Ranma seemed to split apart into four different images, each one darting away from the lightning impact in a different direction.  
  
Then the images all rushed toward her, zig-zagging across the grass in such a random pattern that it seemed purely impossible that they were anything but four separate people.  
  
"Gah!" *Zak!* *Zak!* *Zak!* "No fair! Nobody told me Earthlings could do things like that!"  
  
"You didn't do your homework!" One of the images replied, mocking Lum's own response when Ataru complained that she had superhuman powers.  
  
In her current confusion, however, Lum didn't have the collection of mind to figure out which image had spoken, and continued throwing lightning bolts frantically at every red blur she could see until she felt a sudden weight on her back.  
  
"Gyaah!" Before she could activate her full-body lightning shock, her arms were pulled back behind her, and her wrists were bound together with the same thin steel cable that the pigtailed boy had used to tie up the vice principal and his lawyer.  
  
*ZAK-ZAK-ZAK!!* By the time she did activate her full-body lightning shock, Ranma had already jumped away and landed in a nearby tree, all the while sticking his tongue out at her.  
  
"Whatsa matter? Did the big, bad Earthling teach you who's boss?" Ranma snickered.  
  
Lum glared hotly at him, gritting her teeth. "Why you! Just wait until I get free!"  
  
Ranma snorted. "No way. I 'aint waitin' that long." Then he crossed his arms over his chest. "Now Lum, I want you to understand that I went through all this to make a point, not just to be mean."  
  
Lum fumed. "And that point is...?"  
  
Ranma stared at her mutely for several seconds, holding his condescending expression perfectly. "......... I forget. But it has something to do with me being better than you." He turned around and waved it off. "Anyway, just tell me you'll leave and I'll take off the cable."  
  
"Urgh..." Lum declined to do so, and continued to struggle with her bonds.  
  
"Well, if that's the way you want it..." still grinning smugly, Ranma turned around to head back to the school.  
  
And came face to face with Shampoo.  
  
Shampoo's eyes narrowed as she carefully took in the features of the boy in front of her.  
  
"Uh... c-can I... uh... help you?" Ranma asked, his voice cracking as beads of sweat rolled down his head. 'All right, be cool. She's after Ataru's girl form, not you. Things are going to be okay.'  
  
Shampoo nodded sharply. "Shampoo remember you! You boy that run down by Ataru!"  
  
Ranma bit back a curse as he slowly began backing away. There had only been one occasion that Shampoo had ever caught up with them back in China that any of them hadn't been in their cursed forms; it just so happened that on that particular occasion, he had left to retrieve hot water for everyone, and had changed back before bringing the water to his father and brother. That water had been wasted, as Ataru and Genma had come racing by and knocked him over.  
  
The incident had been so short, and any apparent connection between him and the blue-haired girl so flimsy, that he felt sure that the Amazon wouldn't have recognized him.  
  
Unfortunately, Shampoo was proving to be a great deal sharper than he expected.  
  
"Uh... 'Ataru'? Who's that?" He asked, smiling nervously. He sincerely hoped that she assumed his nervousness was due to the scimitar she clutched in her right hand.  
  
Shampoo's eyes narrowed. "You think Shampoo stupid? She see you in China market when get run over by Ataru, then find here short time after, when Ataru here too!"  
  
More sweat appeared on his forehead. "Coincidence?" He offered.  
  
*Shing!* Shampoo cut a shallow horizontal arc in front of him, and Ranma twitched.  
  
"Okay, fine, maybe I have met the guy before, but that doesn't mean I know where he is!" Ranma hoped his voice hadn't cracked; for all his love of making cynical wisecracks, he knew he was a poor liar.  
  
Unfortunately, his mistake wasn't so subtle as a change in tone.  
  
"'Guy'? What you mean?" Shampoo asked suspiciously, "Ataru is woman!" Then her eyes narrowed again. "What you name? How you know Ataru?"  
  
Ranma swallowed deeply. He knew he could beat Shampoo in a fight, but he wasn't going to hurt her permanently, which meant that she'd be out to kill him for a LONG time. And unlike Kuno, she was a quite capable and competent fighter.  
  
Luckily (or perhaps not), he was saved from the interrogation by his previous foe, who had discovered that she could simply turn around and point her arms behind her to aim her lightning bolts, even with her wrists bound.  
  
*Zak!* *Zak!* *Zak!* "EEEEEYOOOOW!!" Ranma shouted as he was pounded with electricity, and then groaned before falling forward onto the ground.  
  
Lum smirked and zipped around. "Ha! That'll teach you to pick fights with me!"  
  
Shampoo blinked as the pigtailed boy before her twitched on the ground, smoke rising all around him. Then she looked up at the very odd girl floating in the air, whom she had managed to dismiss earlier in favor of the martial artist. The floating girl had a hairstyle very similar to her own, though not as long in back, and the floating girl's hair was a bright aquatic green. And, as if flying in the air and throwing lightning bolts wasn't odd enough, the girl also had little rounded horns poking up through her hair, and was wearing a somewhat ragged-looking tiger-striped bikini.  
  
The Amazon frowned. "Why you do this?"  
  
Lum blinked, not having paid much attention to what was distracting Ranma enough for her to get in a free shot. "I was getting him back for this!" She shouted irritably, jerking her head to one side to gesture toward her wrists.  
  
Shampoo scratched her head, wondering exactly what it was she had interrupted. "Is not important. Want find Ataru!"  
  
Lum blinked, then smiled. "Really? Me too!"  
  
Shampoo nodded, smiling. "You turn around, and me free, okay?"  
  
Ranma's head shot up. "Lum! Wait! You REALLY don't want to-"  
  
"Oh, shut up you!" Lum shouted angrily as Shampoo expertly sliced through the wire with her sword.  
  
"You know where Ataru be?" Shampoo asked, watching as the oni massaged her wrists.  
  
Lum shook her head. "No..." then she smiled evilly, and pointed toward Ranma. "But HE does."  
  
"Lum, you're gonna regret this..." Ranma warned, getting up and backing away slowly.  
  
"But not before you doooo!" Lum sang, electricity arcing around her.  
  
Shampoo shrugged and approached in a slightly less malevolent manner, her scimitar resting upon her shoulder. "You just tell where Ataru be, and not get hurt, yes?"  
  
"Hmmmm... actually, I'm thinking... no." Then he turned around and ran for the streets at full speed, lances of energy raining down from behind.  
  
'This has the makings of a REALLY bad day!' Ranma thought.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Akane stretched out her leg as she prepared to run laps for gym class, squatting low to the ground.  
  
"I know it's none of my business, but that pervert is a real sicko! I just don't want him taking advantage of you, Shinobu!"  
  
Shinobu frowned as she stretched her own leg along the railing next to the stairs. "If you admit it's none of your business, why do you say it like that? 'Taking advantage' of me." She brought her leg down and crossed her arms over her chest. "I may not be a martial artist, but I can take care of myself, Akane. Ataru's sex drive might be a little much, but he's not a rapist."  
  
Akane was about to disagree, when she stopped to think about it. "I guess you're right. He'd never have the guts to do something that serious."  
  
"Still," Yuka reasoned, not really as worried as Akane but still curious, "what do you see in that guy? All he ever seems to think about is sex." Then, after a moment, she added, "Well, sex and cookies."  
  
"What do YOU see in Ranma?" Shinobu countered, only realizing a moment later how stupid a question that was.  
  
"Well, that depends," Yuka deadpanned, "do you mean other than his rugged good looks, gorgeous body, and cool attitude?"  
  
Akane snorted. "Oh, come off it. Ranma's just like his brother; he's just more subtle about it."  
  
The girls ignored her, having expected something like that from the youngest Tendo. While most knew of and could sympathize with her fear of the lecherous Ataru, nobody could fathom the girl's aversion to his serious and combat-devoted brother, and so just dismissed it as part of her "all boys are evil perverts" attitude.  
  
"Okay, fine," Shinobu admitted, shrugging her shoulders, "Ranma's a great guy, but I want someone who can appreciate me as a woman, you know? I've talked to Ranma a lot, and it's like he doesn't even HAVE a sex drive. All HE thinks about is martial arts." Then she too stopped to rethink her statement. "And cookies."  
  
Yuka sighed dreamily. "Yeah... he's a lone wolf, who doesn't need anybody! What a man!"  
  
Shinobu and Akane rolled their eyes as they approached the track.  
  
Shinobu started first, and caught sight of Ataru, who was watching from the bleachers.  
  
Ataru, in turn, noticed Shinobu, and then waved happily, before blowing her a kiss.  
  
Blushing terribly, but grinning like mad, Shinobu quickly ran by to start off her laps, not wanting everybody to see her reaction.  
  
Having seen her reaction anyway, however, Akane sweatdropped heavily and grimaced in disgust as Ataru waved and blew a kiss to her, too. "That poor, poor girl..."  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma breathed heavily as he inched along the wall of the alleyway, trying to avoid making any loud noise among the numerous crates and garbage cans strewn about.  
  
He grumbled to himself, and seriously considered finding some water to change into a girl. Shampoo was familiar with his female form, so she'd pursue him even more aggressively than she had been, but it would at least get Lum off his back.  
  
Not that she would have been able to keep track of him as a guy, if she hadn't teamed up with Shampoo. Even if the Amazon was Earthbound, she had proven a far more capable hunter than the airheaded alien.  
  
"Speak of the devil," Ranma mumbled sourly, sensing someone jump onto the edge of the roof above him. Even before he turned around, he had already ascertained that it was Shampoo, as Lum wouldn't have landed so heavily.  
  
"Ah, you no can run forever," Shampoo said, smirking.  
  
"Hmph." Ranma didn't make any sudden effort to escape, slowly turning away and walking down the alley toward the street. "Maybe not, but you can't chase me forever, either. It's just a matter of who gives first." Truth be told, he was already quite sick of the whole situation. Running was Ataru's method of dealing with conflict; it was the way of the coward. Ranma vastly preferred combat, and had only put up with the chase thusfar because of the many problems involved with fighting Lum and/or Shampoo directly.  
  
"Ah ha! There you are!" Lum caught sight of Ranma from high above, and dove down to land next to her current ally in preparation for the pursuit.  
  
Much to her surprise, Shampoo suddenly held an arm out, her expression thoughtful.  
  
"Huh? What's wrong?" Lum asked, wanting to get back to torturing information out of the pigtailed boy.  
  
Shampoo smirked. "We do this wrong way, Shampoo think... there other way get information from man, yes?"  
  
Lum blinked. "Huh? Sorry, but Earth-Japanese is my third language, so..."  
  
"You just stay here." Shampoo commanded, racing along the edge of the roof and then jumping down at the entrance to the alleyway.  
  
Ranma tensed as Shampoo landed before him, and was prepared to jump to rooftops to escape, when he realized that the oversized sword that made up her primary threat factor was nowhere to be seen.  
  
When she smiled warmly at him, the pigtailed boy was only further confused.  
  
"You very fast, yes? Seem like good fighter. Shampoo think maybe not want beat information from you."  
  
Ranma blinked. "Huh? What are you getting at?"  
  
Shampoo's smile shifted into a lazy smirk. "You is good looking too. Maybe you tell Shampoo where Ataru is, and Shampoo... do favor in return?" Honestly, Shampoo thought the pigtailed boy would've made good marriage material for a lesser Amazon. Against her, of course, the boy wouldn't stand a chance, though, so any lasting relationship between her and the teenage martial artist was out of the question. A short, mutually beneficial one, however...  
  
Not that she'd ever been with a man in that way before, but after finally leaving the village after so long, and finally being away from Mousse's prying grasp and his watchful (if significantly flawed) eyes, it seemed as good a time as any to find out first-hand what many of her peers were always gossiping about, especially since it seemed to be the quickest way to locate her victim.  
  
Ranma, for his part, once again demonstrated his unfathomable immunity to the opposite sex. "Huh? What kind of favor? Like, cook dinner or something?" He scratched his head, wondering what Shampoo could possibly be offering that she thought was worth selling someone out to their executioner.  
  
Shampoo frowned. Either her Japanese was worse than she thought, or she simply wasn't being direct enough.  
  
Either way...  
  
Ranma's eyes nearly popped out of his head as the teenage warrior grabbed his hand and then pressed it onto her chest, spreading his fingers out with her own such that he lightly grasped the entirety of her right breast.  
  
Shampoo licked her lips suggestively. "You know what Shampoo mean now, yes?"  
  
"Mehgaddabababababaaa..." Ranma gibbered uncontrollably as his fingers gently probed the jiggly flesh of Shampoo's mammaries, held firm against the thin cotton fabric of the short combat dress she wore.  
  
The Amazon girl dismissed the incoherent babble. "You tell Shampoo where Ataru be, and Shampoo do whatever you want, yes?" She began to move Ranma's hand over her breast, flushing as his fingers massaged her pleasurably.  
  
'No!' Ranma's brain shouted. "Thappadagawahdooyaaaa..." His mouth mumbled. 'What the hell was that?! That was supposed to be 'no'! Get it together, man!' A mental kick to the head only managed to completely unhinge his jaw so that it hung open, and Ranma simply gaped helplessly as pleasurable sensations shot up his arm.  
  
Shampoo was beginning to think she might have overplayed the whole seduction bit, as her informant had gone from confident and serious to completely unintelligible in moments. Still, he wasn't running away or refusing her, and she was rather enjoying her current position.  
  
Unfortunately for all those involved, a third party chose that precise moment to wander in on the scene, lost as usual.  
  
"Hey! There you are! You're Ataru's brother!"  
  
Ranma's brain, which had degenerated into a chaotic storm of logic centers assaulting the libido and trying to restore normal function to his limbs and mouth, suddenly snapped back into order as a somewhat familiar voice shouted at him.  
  
Ignoring the current position of his arm and hand completely, Ranma turned and scowled at Ryoga. "What, you STILL can't remember my name?"  
  
Ryoga grit his teeth. "I don't give a damn what your... name..." he trailed off, his mouth going slightly slack. "Wh-What are you DOING?!"  
  
Ranma blinked, and then cast a glance at Shampoo, who was openly glaring at Ryoga. Then his mind reconnected the presence of his hand and reminded him where it was.  
  
Wrenching his hand out of Shampoo's grip as if it had been dunked in acid, Ranma tried his best to look dignified as he muttered, "It's none of your business."  
  
Ryoga shook his head to clear it, his face slightly red. Ranma was right, actually; it wasn't any of his business, and he had no reason to care. "Whatever! Just tell me where Ataru is!"  
  
Shampoo blinked. This man was looking for Ataru too? Just then, something that the fanged boy had said clicked in Shampoo's mind. "Wait! You Ataru brother?" Shampoo took a step back involuntarily, grimacing. She couldn't possibly expect someone to betray a family member because a girl was flirting with him. Well, maybe if she was trying to pry information from Ataru herself, but this young man certainly didn't seem the type to break so easily.  
  
"I'm tired of this! Spill the beans, already!" Lum, who had been watching Shampoo's interrogation attempt in a mix of disgust and riveted interest, floated down behind Ranma. "Talk or fry!" Electricity arced around her arms and shot between the tips of her horns.  
  
Ranma grit his teeth as he realized he was surrounded, and that Shampoo was once again preparing for a much rougher type of physical interrogation.  
  
With Ryoga's strength and damage potential, if he had gauged the boy's opening attack right, Shampoo's speed and agility, and Lum's capability to fly and hurl projectiles, there was simply no way he was going to get out of this in good shape.  
  
That was until he noticed that Ryoga already seemed to be bleeding.  
  
"Wha... Wha... Wha..." Ryoga mashed a hand over his nose to try to stem the flow of blood, his eyes locked onto the scantily-clad Lum. Were he capable of making coherent noises at the moment, he would have noted that ragged, tiger-striped lingerie hardly seemed to be appropriate street clothes.  
  
Unfortunately, he didn't recover speech capacity until well after Ranma had plowed his knee into the lost boy's face at high speed.  
  
"Outta the way, Dracula!" Ranma shouted, flipping over the stricken martial artist so that the larger boy covered his back from any oncoming projectiles.  
  
Of course, Lum didn't let a little thing like a (supposed) ally get between her and a target. "Ha! Divine retribution!!"  
  
*GA-ZAK!!* *ZAK!!* *ZAK!!* "Gwaaaaaaah!!" Ryoga trembled violently as lightning coursed through him, shocking him to the core. *Thud!* "Uuuuugh..."  
  
"Damn! Missed!" Lum said irritably, as if the fact was not apparent to everyone present.  
  
"I warned you about aiming first!" Ranma taunted, running backward as he watched smoke curl around Ryoga's twitching body.  
  
His danger sense flared, and he killed his backward momentum before flipping forward, landing well out of reach of Shampoo's weapons.  
  
The Amazon had exchanged her sword for a pair of bonbori, which were better for downing opponents without killing them. After all, the pigtailed boy seemed to be a worthy fighter, and it would be horribly wasteful to kill such a man over a pitiful coward like Ataru. "You not run and tell where Ataru is!"  
  
"Not in yer life!" Ranma countered, then skipped forward to avoid a lightning blast.  
  
"You tell now, or Shampoo hurt you bad!" Though menacingly worded, Ranma continued to find Shampoo's threats, if anything, sickeningly cute.  
  
"You can't catch me, and you know it! Just give up now!" Ranma boasted, keeping most of his awareness focused behind him in Lum's general area, and noting with much annoyance that Ryoga was getting back on his feet.  
  
Thus, he was unaware of the new presence in the area until it was too late.  
  
"Oh ho! Now I see that the house of Kuno is not the only institution you've managed to offend, Saotome!"  
  
Ranma's eye twitched, and a vein appeared on his head. "Kuno..." 'Well, at least he's after me, and not Ataru...... wait a minute! Since when was that good thing?!'  
  
Lum blinked as a boy in a blue robe walked up from behind Ryoga, brandishing a steel katana. "Huh? Who're you?"  
  
Kuno smiled broadly at the visage of mature loveliness that floated in the sky above him, and sighed deeply in contentment. "Merely another blade that would take this wretch to the edge of the abyss, my princess of the sky! Watch with wonder and amazement as I add my indomitable skill to thy own! Together, glorious princess, we shall banish this foul cretin to the depths where he belongs!"  
  
Shampoo, Lum, and Ryoga all sweatdropped.  
  
"Wait a minute!" The lost boy shouted. "We don't give a damn about this guy! We want to know where Ataru is!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Is right!"  
  
Kuno blinked, and rested his katana on his shoulder. "Well, if that is your only business, then I can divulge the location of th-GURK!!" Kuno was cut short as Ranma decked him with a flying roundhouse, and flew across the street from the force, smashing into a parked car with such velocity that the whole vehicle crumpled inward from the blow.  
  
"Go for the pigtailed guy!" Ryoga shouted. "If we can either bring him down or keep him away from the moron with the sword, we can find out where Ataru is!"  
  
"All right!" Lum cheered, shooting upward and charging her lightning field.  
  
"Shampoo take care of this quick!" The Amazon boasted, jumping forward in a flurry of motion.  
  
Ranma's eye started to twitch again. 'Ataru... wherever you are... I hope you're having as bad a day as I am!'  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Hello, ladies!" Ataru greeted semi-casually, walking into the locker room in her girl form.  
  
The teenage girls turned to look at the entrance, and then promptly went back to what they were doing, only lingering to take in the features of the girl that none of them had met before.  
  
Ataru's jaw went a little slack as she slowly took in the sight before her. So much bare skin! Exposed for all to see, its owners confident that they were safe from the prying eyes of lechers!  
  
Ataru desperately tried to contain an evil laugh. She had gone to some lengths to make sure she wouldn't get caught, and had even learned that Akane (the only girl in the class that could identify his female form) finished her laps ahead of most of the other girls, and was thus dismissed to go change early. After waiting for the youngest Tendo to leave, the sex-changing lecher was free to observe without fear of discovery.  
  
'Oh, GOD, YES!!! Look at it all! That fuddy-duddy Ranma doesn't know what he's missing!'  
  
Across the room, in preparation for a shower, Sayuri grunted as she struggled with the hook of her bra behind her back. "Darn... I hate these things... hey, Yuka, do you think you can undo my bra for me?"  
  
"Oh, okay, let me ge-WAAAH!" *Crash!* The brown-haired girl was shoved aside as the bluette who had greeted everyone a few moments ago dashed behind Sayuri.  
  
"I'll do it!" Ataru said happily, her hands twitching in excitement.  
  
Sayuri blinked, and then looked behind her to see the new girl smiling widely at her. "Oh! Okay, thanks!" She turned back around and lifted up her arms. "My mom buys those bras with the weird hooks that are hard to open; you might need to work the whole thing a little bit."  
  
Ataru started drooling as she went to work. 'This is the single best day of my LIFE!'  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Hi-YAH!!" Ranma struck Ryoga solidly in the stomach as he ducked under a lightning blast, and then quickly backflipped into the air when Shampoo closed from behind.  
  
Ryoga staggered, but managed to recover quickly enough to attack before Ranma landed. Grabbing several bandannas from his head, he began to twirl them in his hand, and then released them as projectiles, each cloth band gaining the properties of a spinning buzzsaw blade.  
  
Ranma dodged backward as the bandannas whirled past him, then dodged to the side as Shampoo tried to close again. He knew that if Shampoo managed to engage him at close range he'd be too distracted to dodge incoming projectiles, and he wasn't willing to take her out quickly, like he'd do if Ryoga tried to fight him up close.  
  
"I say... where be the wondrous angel Sakura? Most often I awake in her care..." Kuno slowly sat up from the shattered remains of the automobile he was kicked into, thoroughly dazed.  
  
This distracted all of Ranma's attackers, and the pigtailed boy noted that Ryoga and Shampoo formed a straight lined toward Kuno.  
  
"All right, time for the tricky stuff!" Ranma yelled, jumping to the side so that the Amazon and lost boy were directly between him and the kendoist. "Nightmare memory!"  
  
The two rogue martial artists jerked their heads back toward their opponent, only to see him blur and charged toward them. Ryoga and Shampoo immediately raised their defenses, only to gawk in confusion as the blur that they thought was Ranma simply zipped through them, leaving faded afterimages in its wake.  
  
*KER-SMASH!!* Ranma plowed a ki-powered kick straight into Kuno's chest, blowing the car apart totally, and sending the arrogant fool flying through the wall of the adjacent building.  
  
"What? How did he-?" *Kroom!* *Crash!* Ryoga's exclamation was cut off as he and Shampoo were blasted by twin black energy waves that had originated from Ranma's original position.  
  
Ranma smirked and turned around as Ryoga and Shampoo struggled to get up. "Behold, the Shisou style second master form: Nightmare cutter! I created the delayed blast revision myself."  
  
Shampoo grunted lightly as she stretched her neck to either side, getting the kinks out. "Is impressive... but you still not win." Such a technique WAS very impressive, but it hadn't held nearly enough power to knock her out. The Amazon frowned. If she had been the end target, though...  
  
"I don't really need to win," Ranma admitted. Then he looked up toward Lum, who was panting slightly. Obviously the alien girl wasn't used to expending so much power in such a short period of time.  
  
Ranma sighed. "I'm probably going to regret this, but..." he looked up at Ataru's self-proclaimed wife. "Lum, do you have any idea WHY this girl and that moron want to find Ataru?"  
  
Lum blinked. "Huh? Why?"  
  
"Shampoo kill Ataru for disgracing Amazon tribe!" Shampoo announced hotly, holding up one of her maces.  
  
"I'm going to crush that little coward like a soda can!" Ryoga shouted, baring his fangs as his hands gripped into fists.  
  
"Whaaaaaaat?!" Lum cried, whirling around to face her supposed allies.  
  
Shampoo frowned. "Why YOU want find pervert Ataru?" She asked. She had assumed that the strange demonic girl had had intentions similar to her own; Ataru seemed like the kind of lesbian that racked up a lot of indignant females on her trail.  
  
Lum grit her teeth. "NO!! I won't let you hurt darling!"  
  
THAT shocked Ryoga into immobility and had Shampoo shaking her head. Ryoga, knowing Ataru's male side, was astonished that such a beautiful and sexy girl would apparently fall in love with someone as pathetic as Ataru. Shampoo was merely frustrated that she had another obstacle to contend with.  
  
Shampoo stepped forward and jabbed one of her maces forward. "It not matter if you Ataru lover. You fight by Ataru side, you die. You step back now, then you live. Is you choice."  
  
Lum growled, and felt a renewed rush of energy fill her as she realized that she had put her beloved in danger by siding with Ranma's enemies. "You won't harm a hair on darling's head, or I'll zap you to dust!"  
  
Ranma grimaced as he realized that things were spiraling out of control in exactly the manner which he had feared. "Lum, wait, you REALLY don't want to beat that girl, she'll-"  
  
"Shut up and help me protect darling!" The alien princess commanded, once again refusing to listen to the pigtailed fighter.  
  
"Shampoo beat you quick!" The Amazon shouted, running around Lum in a closing spiral as to better avoid lightning bolts.  
  
Ranma was still debating what to do about the dueling women when he sensed danger from behind, and ducked a razor bandanna that would have clipped his shoulder otherwise.  
  
"We're not done yet, Saotome! I've come too far to let anyone stop me! Tell me where Ataru is!"  
  
"Suck fist and die, Hibiki!" Ranma shouted back, rushing his attacker.  
  
Ryoga saw Ranma trying to close the distance, and flung another barrage of bandannas at him, forcing the pigtailed boy to dodge backward.  
  
"You can't keep flingin' those things forever, Hibiki! You'll run out sooner or later!" Ranma taunted, building his aura around him.  
  
"Ha! How little you know!" Ryoga grabbed another handful of bandannas from his seemingly unlimited supply around his head. "I've been training to break Ataru once and for all, every single day, year after year, ever since he skipped out on our fight! You stand no chance against me!"  
  
Ranma snorted as the lost boy flung his weapons. "You've been training all this time to defeat a pathetic weakling. Compared to me, you... are... NOTHING." Shifting stances slightly, a black aura sprung up behind Ranma.  
  
*Shrak!* Just as the bandannas converged on their target, Ranma's aura exploded, and Ryoga goggled as the pigtailed boy split apart into four different images.  
  
"Shisou Style Ninjitsu first master form: Shadow split," Ranma said calmly, as if reciting from a book, "Saotome Anything-Goes revision, form three: Dread rush."  
  
With the four images standing so close to each other, Ryoga couldn't tell which one was speaking, and as the images faded from view, a definite sinking feeling settled in the pit of the lost boy's stomach.  
  
"Oh, phooey..."  
  
*Thrak!* *Pow!* *Smash!* *Crack!* *Thwack!* One at a time, coming from all different directions, blurred images of Ranma began to appear and strike Ryoga, each one launching a different attack and then fading from view once more.  
  
Were anyone around who wasn't too distracted with their own battle, they would have likened the assault to the imagined scene of a thousand wraiths descending upon and man and ramming into him at high speeds; as it was, Ryoga was quickly lifted off the ground from the attacks, whereas he was then bounced from fist to foot as the mirror images continued to beat him, never letting enough time pass between strikes that the fanged boy should touch the Earth.  
  
At last, the area exploded with black tendrils of energy, which then coalesced into a single Ranma image, which then rushed up and slammed Ryoga into the ground with an axe kick, completing the deadly combination. *Wham!*  
  
Ranma's chest heaved as he tried to control his breathing, having exerted himself heavily to pull off the advanced technique. "Feh. I knew he couldn't take it."  
  
*GA-ZAK!!* *ZAK!!* *ZAK!!* "Gyaaaaaaaah!" Ranma screamed in pain as a stray lightning bolt slammed into his back, and fell to ground as smoke curled around him.  
  
"Damn it-" *Zak!* "-stop moving-" *Zak!* "-and let me-" *Zak!* "-zap you!" *Zak!* *Zak!* *Zak!*  
  
Shampoo deigned to justify the request with an answer, and once again jumped aside as the torrent of lightning continued.  
  
She knew that she couldn't keep this up for long, though. Lum showed signs of only slight exhaustion, and at the rate and speed that the alien could throw lightning, Shampoo was exhausting herself dodging.  
  
Deciding to risk a more aggressive strategy, the Amazon did a backflip and flung one of her bonbori upward into the air.  
  
Lum paused in confusion, then looked up and realized that the colorful mace was coming down right toward her.  
  
"Ha!" She shouted, zipping out of the way of the flung weapon and twisting around for effect. "You missed m-" *Thwack!* The second mace, thrown straight at the alien, struck without error, and Lum crumpled onto the ground in a daze as the Amazon jumped toward her.  
  
"It over now!" Shampoo shouted, extending her leg for a kick.  
  
*Pow!* *GA-ZAK!!* *ZAK!!* *ZAK!!* *ZAK!!* *ZAK!!* A heavily charred Ranma watched impassively as a bright series of flashes engulfed the pair of dueling women, and he sweatdropped as they both fell onto the ground.  
  
When Shampoo slowly and shakily stood up over the insensate alien, Ranma raised an eyebrow. Lum's full-body proximity shock looked to be significantly more powerful than her thrown bolts; he was surprised that the Amazon was still conscious.  
  
Heavily dazed, Shampoo slowly tried to make sense of the hazy image lying at her feet.  
  
Quickly, she regained enough sense to remember exactly what she had just been doing. "Sh-Shampoo... Shampoo win! ... And now... Shampoo... rest now..." *Thud!*  
  
Ranma sweatdropped. Then he looked around at the devastation they had all caused. Lightning-blackened craters littered the streets, sidewalks, and grass, huge gouges could be seen anywhere little bits of cloth hung, and distant shouting about pickaxes and steamshovels could be heard from the damaged interior of the shop he had knocked Kuno into.  
  
Sighing deeply. The pigtailed boy picked Lum's body off the ground and slung her over his shoulder.  
  
"I hate my life," he mumbled. Then he began walking home.  
  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ataru happily munched on a cookie as he led Shinobu to the Tendo Dojo. He had just been out shopping with the girl, and as they talked she had begun enquiring as to his living arrangements, as he had just returned to Japan after so long.  
  
Ataru DEFINITELY liked where that inquiry was going, so he had hastily shortened the trip to purchasing a bag of chocolate chip cookies, and led his semi-girlfriend toward his current residence.  
  
He didn't stop to think about Lum. At least, not until he saw the aforementioned alien being carried home over his brother's shoulder, followed by a certain annoying little holy man.  
  
"Oh, dear! Your features today are horrible! Horrible, I say!! Great troubles will befall you!" Cherry insisted, poking Ranma in the back with his staff.  
  
"Can it, Orange! I've already been through it!" Ranma yelled, gritting his teeth.  
  
Cherry blinked. "Oh... well, then I guess you'll be fine. And it's Cherry, not Orange."  
  
"Whatever! Go away!" Ranma yelled, stomping further toward the dojo.  
  
Ataru and Shinobu blinked at the display, then moved faster to catch up.  
  
"Hey, Ranma! What's up, man? I haven't seen you since first period!" Ataru waved toward his brother, then froze as the martial artist glared at him.  
  
*Thud* Ranma dropped Lum unceremoniously onto the ground, and then stalked toward Ataru, his fingers shuddering with an eerie twitch.  
  
Ataru began to back away. "Uh... what are you-" *Snatch!*  
  
The lecher blinked as his bag of treats was suddenly ripped from his grasp, and gaped as Ranma turned away, stuffing cookies into his mouth.  
  
Ataru shouted, "Hey, those are mi-"  
  
"GRRRROOAAR!!" Ranma growled, snapping at Ataru like a feral animal as he cradled his stolen snacks.  
  
The lecher immediately latched onto Shinobu, his eyes wide with fear. "Okay! Okay! You can have the cookies! Please don't kill me!"  
  
Shinobu just stared, wondering what had happened to Ranma such that his clothes had gathered so many burns and cuts, as well as what had happened to Lum that she had thick bruises on her forehead and cheek.  
  
"Well now, that IS odd..." Cherry mused.  
  
"What, that Ranma's acting like a rabid badger?" Ataru guessed, only to swallow nervously as his brother glared dangerously at him.  
  
"No... I'm just looking at your aura..." Cherry rubbed his chin. "I didn't notice before, but your fates are very closely linked, you and your brother."  
  
"Huh? What do you mean?"  
  
Cherry nodded decidingly. "Yes, I'm sure of it now!" He suddenly stepped back, and then pointed to both the Saotomes. "Usually, you both have generally bad luck."  
  
"Duh," Ataru mumbled.  
  
Ranma simply grunted and continued eating.  
  
Then Cherry moved one hand down, while keeping the other parallel by moving it up. "However, when the luck for one of you gets really bad, it essentially 'drains' the misfortune from the other one of you! Thus, when one of you is having an especially bad or good time, then fate must shift between you two to maintain the cosmic balance! Astounding!"  
  
Ataru blinked. Twice. "Wait... so you're saying that since I've been having a great day, Ranma's been through hell?"  
  
Ranma grunted again, then lifted the bag up to spill the crumbs out into his mouth.  
  
"But wait," Shinobu reasoned, "what about when Ataru was competing with Lum? He was having a horrible time! Shouldn't Ranma have won the lotto or something?" Of course, nothing bad had happened to Ranma either, and he had been able to take the whole week off from school, but with all the misery Ataru had gone through it seemed like he should have gotten more out of it.  
  
Cherry just shrugged. "Luck isn't an exact science."  
  
"I see," Ranma said evenly, muttering his first coherent words since Ataru's arrival. "Anything else you got to tell us?"  
  
Cherry blinked. "No, not really."  
  
*Moosh* Ranma shoved the empty cookie bag into Cherry's mouth, and shoved the little man back, sending him stumbling. *Punt!*  
  
Shinobu and Ataru sweatdropped as they watched the monk disappear into the distance.  
  
"Wow... you really have had a bad day, huh?" Ataru ventured.  
  
"Shut up and bring the alien inside."  
  
"Yes, sir..."  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
End Chapter 4 


	5. Rules of Engagement

"Hello yet again, gullible and easily amused public, and welcome to the latest edition of Jusenkyou Theatre, the second half of a two-part question & answer joke session that I set up so that I wouldn't have to think of something funny to write." Black Dragon addressed the readers on a stage, dressed in an ill-fitting tuxedo.  
"While I wouldn't call the Q&A thing a 'success', as it turns out, there are a few oddballs who can get far enough into my bizarre alterverses that they would ask questions to people who don't exist. I don't get it either. But, whatever."  
BD nodded and was handed an envelope from off-stage. "Thanks IY." Then he turned again toward the readers. "Our first three questions are all from Albert Cheng, with the first one addressed, oddly enough, to me."  
He opened the envelope and held up the letter. "'You seem like the type to have a girls-with-guns fetish, do you? If so, why not have more girls with guns?'" BD frowned and looked up in thought.  
"Well, to answer this question, I'll need to go deep into the inner workings of my psyche, and explain how my personal fantasies/hallucinations contrast greatly with the necessary elements for effective writing. But that would be boring, so I'll just make something up."  
He coughed into his fist. "As a geeky young adult male, I have somehow managed to retain that same irrational fear of women that kept me single and dateless throughout all of high school. In order to try to assemble this fear in some reasonable spectrum for my conscious mind, it helps to imagine that all women possess powerful weaponry, as well as an instinctual desire to use it on me. Thus, it's not really a 'fetish' as it is a 'rationalization'."  
BD looked further down into the letter. "Ah! This is addressed to Mia Tokima. 'Don't you ever get tired of being known as Alexandra's twin? How do you deal with it?'"  
Black Dragon nodded happily. "Now that's precisely the kind of in-depth, colorful question we here at BDP appreciate! I'm very glad that Mr. Cheng brought this up, and all of you should be too!"  
He looked further down the letter. "Finally, our last question in this letter is for Dr. Yoshi Konta. I'll have him come out and read it."  
The diminutive scientist hailing from the Guardian timeline stepped out from backstage briskly, and nodded as he took the paper from his creator.  
"I see... 'when was the last time you took a vacation? What did you do for fun?'" Yoshi looked up thoughtfully. "Well now, that would be... two years ago. I took a short break from creating the next generation of hellish monsters for a few weeks of relaxation in Portugal. That got boring VERY quick. So I found the nearest terrorist cell, broke into a lab, and used it to create an army of giant mutant lemurs that took over the country for me." He put down the letter.  
BD blinked. "The whole country? Then what happened?"  
Yoshi shrugged. "Nothing. Nobody noticed. Technically, I still own the place. I was actually planning to sell it on E-Bay, but work in the FA sector has been an absolute HORROR lately. I just can't get a moment to myself."  
"Ah." BD sweatdropped as the little man walked off the stage. "Okay then. Next question comes from a fellow named Erok Sawe." He was handed an envelope. "Ah. Ranma and Asuka from Guardian. Get out here!"  
The police captain and her pigtailed subordinate strode up onstage obediently, and both took one side of the letter as they held it in front of them.  
"Let's see," Asuka began, "'Is it possible that Ranma and Asuka are engaged to be married?'" She immediately stopped reading, even though there was more to the letter, and raised an eyebrow. "Uh, no. Not at all."  
Ranma tried not to breathe a sigh of relief. Like he needed MORE woman problems. "Uh, okay. Moving on. 'Considering that Ranma's father is a thief and Asuka's father is the head of a major crime org, isn't it possible that-' wait, whoa, WHAT?!" Ranma suddenly jerked his head back to the part about Asuka's family.  
He couldn't read it over, however, because his captain had recovered from her mortified shock and had snatched the paper from his hands. "Ha ha ha! Well, we answered the question! No! We're all done here!" She quickly ripped the paper up into a thousand pieces, and grabbed Ranma's arm before dashing off-stage, her face a solid red.  
"Uh huh... next question..." BD was handed another envelope. "Next question is from Jonas Fredrikson. 'What is the difference between mana and ki? Are they simply two different names for the same thing?'"  
BD grinned. "Your question was addressed to whichever Nexus II fellow was best able to provide a solution. But that would be too simple. So we dragged out the entire Nexus II main team, excluding K, and with the addition of the priest guy that hasn't shown up yet!"  
Ranma, Rayden, and Kaze all walked out on stage, looking bored.  
"Ranma, we'll start with you. What's the difference between ki and mana?"  
Ranma blinked. "Well, that's easy. Ki is the stuff that I use. And mana is like... you know, different. Mages use that stuff."  
"Thank you for that Ranma, you've been absolutely no help," BD deadpanned. "Rayden?"  
The dark paladin grinned. "Yeah, I know that! Ki is a light, fruity alcoholic beverage served in the Kaimel region of Gheerhaldis. And I think you mean 'mone', not 'mana', which has a similar flavor, but only half the alcohol content."  
"You're an idiot," Black Dragon stated simply. "Kaze, your thoughts?"  
"Yes, he is."  
"I meant about the question."  
The bishop nodded. "It's quite simple, really. 'Ki' is an semi-ambient cohesive energy matrix that assembles around the spiritual flux of a patterned diemtrax, and is thus more potent and well-applied when used in quick or in fact entirely reflexive melee actions, but only at a maximum of twice per turn, with a combined roll of ten." He raised his index finger into the air. "Mana is an entirely paraphysical non-cohesive energy 'pool' that is assembled around the ley lines of a hercular body and flows without the structural integrity of a spiritual container. Thus it is able to form coherent energy patterns in the sub-plane to generate metaphysical complex energy fields of varying potency, though if the caster is struck while forming the necessary patterns, he or she must make a saving throw at -3 or fail casting, due to mana's unstable fluctuations." He stopped talking, then tilted his head slightly to one side. "Well, to put in layman's terms, that is."  
"How much of that did you just make up?" BD asked, sweatdropping.  
'He's onto me,' Kaze thought, keeping his face neutral. "In summary, the answer to your question is 'no'. They're completely different energies."  
"Thank you for that," Black Dragon deadpanned, watching the adventurers wander off the stage. "The next question is for Ataru Saotome, from this very fanfiction series, asked by Alan Podjursky! Whose name, by the way, can be rearranged to spell 'a plod jury sank'!" BD's expression turned serious. "That's what you get for complaining about my treatment of Akane. I've got more anagrams where that came from!"  
Ataru strode proudly onto the stage, waving. Then he took the letter BD was holding. "Lessee here... 'How long did you spend feeling yourself up after Jusenkyou, and where?'"  
Ataru stared hard at the letter, then he shook his head and looked up. "I'm not gonna answer that."  
BD frowned. "Well, you have to say SOMETHING. And make it funny."  
The lecher sighed and massaged his forehead. "Okay, okay... something funny..." After a few moments, he snapped his fingers. "How about this: What does Jusenkyou have to do with how much I feel myself up?"  
"That was gross. Go away." Black Dragon shook his head, and then took the next envelope. "Okay. Next one is from Phil St. Pierre, who hopefully doesn't hold my frequent French-bashing against me. It's for Ranma or Rayden... doesn't say which one... let's say Nexus... Ranma. Get out here!"  
Nexus Ranma again trudged on-stage, annoyed at having been called out twice.  
"All right, all right... 'If you were to wear a ring, would you go for the bling-bling effect or would you go for damage quality?'"  
Ranma stared at the letter for a few moments. "What the **hell** is that supposed to mean?" He looked helplessly toward BD. "What's a 'bling bling' effect?"  
Black Dragon shrugged. "I'm an anime nerd; you think I know? It's like some kind of rap thing."  
Shaking his head, Ranma thought about the question again. "Well... I guess I'd go for damage quality... I mean, like, how powerful the magic bolt that it shoots is or whatever." Then he frowned. "Though if I could have ANY ring, I'd want one that resurrects me, or maybe heals me when I'm hurt real bad." He looked thoughtful. "Do they have rings like that?"  
"I don't care," BD said bluntly, "though I must compliment you on providing the most useful and rational answer thusfar in this stupid omake. Now leave." Ranma did so, and BD grabbed the next letter.  
"Our next question is from Michael Hommon. It's asked to the nameless lawyer that got smashed in the last chapter of Takahashi Soup, and refers to that continuum, asking, 'Which and how many laws did Ranma break?'" BD shook his head. "Unfortunately, that nameless lawyer is currently in the hospital recovering from a broken-to use the technical medical term-'justabouteverything'. Thus, we have a special guest star covering this question! May I present Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law!"  
An older Ranma wearing a black business suit steps onto the stage, holding a briefcase. Upon reaching the center of the stage, he opened the briefcase, and then began assembling a projector screen.  
After a few moments, Ranma had set up the projector screen and projector unit, and turned to face the readers.  
He coughed into his hand to clear his throat. "My alterverse persona from this particular continuum is guilty of precisely six different infractions within the timeframe covered by all this flimsy prose. Exhibit A!"  
The projector showed an image of Ranma walking to school. Ranma pointed to his alter-self's white, sleeveless Chinese-style shirt. "This shirt and pants combination went out of style years ago! Exhibit B!"  
The next image showed a picture of Ranma landing in the enchanted spring at Jusenkyou. "Trespassing on ancient, forbidden cursed places! Exhibit C!"  
The next image showed Ranma kicking Ataru into a stream. "Littering in a public park! Exhibit D!"  
The next image showed Ranma kicking Genma into a river. "Polluting a protected river with endangered species! Exhibit E!"  
The next image showed Ranma releasing the lever on his catapult, and had captured the image of the nameless lawyer being slammed into the ground. "Construction of medieval siege engines without a permit! And finally, Exhibit F!"  
The final image showed Ranma launching the vice principal into the air with his illegally constructed catapult. "Huh? Oops. Sorry. Wrong slide."  
Ranma hit a button on the projector, and the image changed to one of Ranma scarfing down chocolate chip cookies while Ataru looked crestfallen from his position hiding behind Shinobu. "The greatest crime of them all: grand theft pastry!"  
BD nodded slowly. "That was absolutely ridiculous. Thank you." He turned back toward the readers. "And now, the last question, and it's about bloody time! It's addressed to Supernova Ranma. Come on out!"  
Black Dragon gestured off-stage. Nobody came.  
He froze, and waited. Still, nobody came.  
"Hey! Get up here!" BD shouted, a vein popping up on his head.  
"Pst!" Inu-Yasha poked his head out. "Dude, what's wrong with you? The Supernova staff got laid off, remember?"  
BD's eyes widened. "WHAT?!"  
"Yeah. Months ago. Don't you remember? Ranma Yagami fired them all, and Snake converted their dressing rooms into ICBM launch chambers. They were just sitting around and stealing office supplies all the time, and it's not like you were going to use them for anything."  
The author twitched slightly, and then grit his teeth. "Well, get Death off his bony ass and tell him to find them! I haven't discontinued that series, no matter how long it's been since I did an update on it!"  
BD turned back toward the readers and chuckled nervously. "Heh heh! Well, it would appear that Supernova Ranma is a bit busy right now, so I guess I'll answer that question!"  
"Let's see... 'How did you get a copy of 'Space Combat Maneuvers Stolen from Planet Jusenkyou'?'" BD stopped reading, and his eye twitched. "Now, with all due respect to Mr. Jose Garcia, just what are you on? It says right there in the title that it was stolen! And Ranma's a pirate! Do you think he just walked up to the fools and asked nicely?! Yeesh..." BD read on. "'And more importantly, is there an Amazon named Shampoo looking for him?'" BD snorted. "Space Amazons? Not if I want to finish that series before the sun burns out and all life on Earth is extinguished."  
Black Dragon sighed and shook his head. "Well, despite my fans' diligence and devotion, I'm fairly certain I've managed to avoid providing any useful information. I now present Takahashi Soup, Chapter 5. Thank you for your patience. Assuming you don't hate me by now."  
  
Takahashi Soup  
by Black Dragon  
  
Oh say can you seeeeeee, by the glare of my lamps, Takahaaaaashi's own works, are much better than CLAMP's!  
  
Chapter 5  
Rules of Engagement  
  
Ranma smiled as he stepped onto the bus, a gym bag slung over his shoulder, in a lighter mood than he had been in for weeks.  
Behind him, Ataru grumbled miserably to himself. "I still can't believe you're so happy about this. A three day class camping trip! Three days without TV or the internet or Kasumi's cooking!"  
"Three days of not being assaulted in the morning by Pops, not having to hear Mr. Tendo whine about your philandering, and not having to try and keep Lum away from school!" Ranma grinned. "This is gonna be excellent! It's been too long since we've been out in the wilds!" He took his seat, and Ataru sat down next to him, grimacing.  
"Bah. If I never have to see a tent again, it'll be too soon." Ataru mumbled to himself.  
Ranma simply whistled happily to himself, taking great satisfaction in his twin's discomfort.  
"Oh, it won't be that bad, Ataru," Shinobu assured him, sitting down in the seat behind the twin Saotomes, "at least we can spend some time together without Lum coming around and butting in."  
Ataru nodded reluctantly. "Yeah... I guess that'll be pretty nice."  
"So it's true?" Daisuke asked, poking his head past an annoyed Shinobu. "She really won't be showing up?" There was obvious distress in his voice, which was mirrored by Hiroshi's facial expression.  
"If there's a just and loving God, no," Ataru muttered.  
Ranma shrugged. Lum would cause trouble, to be sure, but mostly trouble to Ataru. Since the incident of being caught in a three-on-one battle to locate the lecher a week ago, he had resolved to avoid Lum in every way possible, as often as possible. It was mostly working out. "Personally, I'm just glad that this trip is for the sophomore class only. Having Kuno there would be a disaster."  
"Speaking of people that you're always beating up," Ataru said, "what did the vice principal want to talk to you about? I saw you talking with him a few minutes ago."  
Ranma shrugged. "Oh, he's just helping me out with some physics experiments, that's all."  
Ataru blinked. "What? You're not taking physics."  
"It's more of a hobby," Ranma explained, getting curious stares from most of the surrounding students, "today he's helping out with a problem involving friction and initial."  
"I think you mean 'inertia'," Yuka corrected him from the opposite side of the bus.  
"Whatever."  
  
As the listening students pondered the meaning of Ranma's explanation, Akane smirked to herself, taking a seat in the rear of the bus.  
There was no way she was going to let Ataru get away with a whole three days without being hounded by Lum. Besides giving him greater opportunities to harass her and her classmates, the little pervert just didn't deserve it.  
At first she hadn't bothered to interfere, assuming that Lum would catch wind of it herself, or at least be pointed in the right direction once she noticed her "husband" was gone.  
Surprisingly, the young pervert had put serious effort into making sure Lum wouldn't manage to find the camp site they were going to. He had spoken to the entire Tendo family ahead of time (except her, and of course Nabiki, who was simply bribed) to get them to withhold the exact location of his whereabouts for the time being. Then, as a decoy, he had left a note telling Lum that he was at a campsite located in the opposite direction from where they were actually headed. If the alien princess questioned him about it afterward, Ataru could simply look over his directions and claim that he had simply mistaken east for west.  
She had taken care of THAT quite easily, simply changing the note so that it provided the correct instructions.  
Akane turned her head to the side, staring out the window at Furinkan as she descended into deep thought.  
  
At the front of the bus, the homeroom teacher Onsen Mark began yelling instructions to the students.  
"Once we arrive at the campgrounds, you're to split up into your assigned pairs and immediately set up camp! No fooling around until the tents are up!"  
General grunts and murmurs of agreement were his response.  
A rumbling noise filled the bus interior as the engine started, and the whole vehicle jumped slightly as the driver accelerated forward while pulling away from the curb.  
It was only due to that bump that Akane caught the sight of a frantically waving arm out of the corner of her eye.  
Turning completely around, her eyes widened as she looked down at the street.  
"Hey! Driver! Wait! Stop!" Akane shouted from the rear of the vehicle. "Stop, quick! There's a man tied to the back of the bus!"  
"Damn, they found him already," Ranma muttered under his breath.  
  
The vice principal panted heavily as the bus finally left the school grounds, and looked over his torn, dirty suit.  
"Th-That's it... no more... I've been keeping this... strictly personal... for too long..." He finally caught his breath, and stood up, gripping his hand into a fist. "No more! That Ranma Saotome is a menace of society! I'll leave it up to the professionals! When he gets back to Nerima, he'll be facing an entirely different kind of detention hall!"  
Nodding sharply, the middle-aged man stood up and then turned around.  
And came face-to-face with a teenage girl with long purple hair, wearing a very short, floral-pattern dress, staring at him critically.  
The vice principal blinked, and then frowned. "Young lady, I'm not sure what you think the dress code is around here, exactly, but that outfit is hardly appropriate for the streets, much less school!"  
Shampoo's eyes narrowed. "Not care what you think of clothes. You tell Shampoo where Ataru is?"  
The VP twitched. "Well you're **going** to care, after I have a talk with your parents, Miss! You're coming to my office!"  
The frustrated man grabbed the Chinese Amazon's hand, and then began to pull her toward his office.  
With a flick of her wrist, Shampoo had reversed the grip on her hand, and took the man's larger hand in her own.  
Crack! "GYAAAH!" The vice principal screamed in pain and fell to his knees as Shampoo squeezed so tight that she nearly shattered bone.  
Shampoo tossed the weakling's injured arm to the side. Shnk! "You tell Shampoo where Ataru be, or Shampoo hurt too, too bad!"  
The VP's eyes crossed as the point of an unusually large scimitar barely touched his nose. "He j-just left on a bus to a c-campground! Th-Th-That way!" He pointed his good hand in the direction the bus had gone.  
Were he in any coherent state of mind, he would have offered a more useful answer, such as where the bus was heading, but through the pain-induced haze in his mind, the vague direction was all he could offer.  
Which was fine, since it was the kind of simple instructions that Shampoo dealt best with. The young Amazon withdrew her sword and took off in running pursuit after the vehicle.  
  
The vice principal grimaced in agony as he tenderly cradled his hand, which throbbed painfully with the slightest movement.  
"Th-Gasp-That's it... no more... They warned me that dealing with teenagers was hard, but..." He slowly stood up, and limped away to his office. "That's it! I'm outta here! I quit! Done! Finished! Gone!"  
As he reached the front of the school, the door opened, and Sakura nearly ran into the man. "What in-What happened to you? Are you all right?"  
The vice principal jerked back, then shook his good fist at Sakura, causing her to step back in surprise. "I QUIT, do you hear me?! I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!"  
The school nurse gave the VP an odd stare as the middle-aged man stalked past her into the hallway.  
"I resign! I'm through! Kaput! No more electric poles or siege engines or acid spills or battery jumps or psychotic, sadistic teenagers for me!!"  
Sakura sweatdropped heavily as the man continued toward his office, still limping badly, eventually moving out of earshot.  
She sighed. "Now what was all THAT about?"  
"Most ominous."  
"GYAH!" The nurse/shrine maiden yelped and jumped up, then glared down at her elderly uncle. "Don't DO that!"  
The diminutive priest shook his head. "I sense yet another dark tide of misfortune approaching."  
Sakura calmed herself and crossed her arms. "Is it those two kids again that you keep talking about?"  
Cherry nodded sharply. "Yes. I fear that without my guidance, their misfortune will consume them, and perhaps even all around them. I must go."  
Sakura nodded. "I suppose it's for the best." She began to turn away, then noticed that Cherry hadn't moved to leave. "Uh... by the way... why are you telling me this, exactly?" She asked as the thought occurred to her.  
Cherry immediately stuck his hand out, palm up. "I need train fare."  
Sakura's left eye twitched.  
  
"Ah, the great outdoors! Fresh air and hard exercise! It's good to be out in the woods again!" Ranma proclaimed proudly, standing in front of his tent with his fists planted on his hips.  
The martial artist was then blasted by a dust cloud, as his twin brother sprinted by at inhuman speeds. "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! HORNET ATTACK!!"  
True to Ataru's word (sort of), a single small insect of some winged species buzzed around randomly in Ataru's wake, completely disoriented by the dust cloud.  
Ranma stared at it for a moment, then turned toward where Ataru had run off to, cupping his hands around his mouth. "Ataru, get a grip! That's a honey bee!"  
"STINGER EQUALS EVIL BUG OF DEATH!!" Ataru shouted from where he had ducked into some shrubbery. "KILL IT!!"  
Ranma stared at the tiny insect, and then waved at it with his hand, causing the bee to zip away to safety.  
"Suddenly it all comes back to me why I hate camping outdoors... I really should have insisted on a different partner."  
Walking past the Saotomes' tent, Shinobu frowned and yelled to her boyfriend. "Ataru, be careful! There are ants crawling around all over those shrubs!"  
"OH, DEAR MOTHER OF GOD!!" Another dust cloud billowed up in Ranma's face as his brother shot past in the opposite direction, toward the river adjacent to the camp site.  
"GETEMOFFGETEMOFFGETEMOFFGETEMOFFGETEMOFF!!" Splash!  
Shinobu coughed and waved a hand in front of her face to disperse the dust. Ranma stared straight ahead, facing away from his tent, and his eyebrow began to twitch.  
Whoosh! A blue and white streak shot past Ranma into the tent a moment later, leaving a trail of water droplets that sprayed everything near its path.  
Hiroshi, who had been distracted from putting up his own tent that he was to share with Daisuke, scratched his head in confusion. "Was it just me, or... did Ataru's hair look... blue, just now?"  
"It was you," Daisuke grunted, trying to put the poles together, "now would you get back to helping me with this?"  
Still standing in the same position he was in before, a sweatdrop rolled down Ranma's head.  
Sssss Some steam poured out from between the tent flaps, and a sigh of relief came from within the nylon shelter.  
Shinobu kneeled down in front of it worriedly. "Ataru? Are you okay?"  
The lecher's head emerged, looking weary, but fairly relieved. "Yeah, I'll live." He looked up at his brother's back. "Good call on getting the kettle ready so quickly, by the way."  
A vein popped up on Ranma's head, and he turned around, gripping one hand into a shaking fist. "Ataru... within nine minutes of us arriving here, you have managed to completely ruin this **entire trip** for me..."  
Ataru blinked, and stared at his brother, who was glaring down at him and gritting his teeth.  
"So, what, does that mean we can go home?"  
Whomp! The third dust cloud of the day burst upward as Ranma stomped on Ataru's head with his foot, smashing his brother into the ground.  
Still fuming, the martial artist turned away and began to leave. "I'm gonna go find some trees and turn them into firewood."  
Shinobu sweatdropped, staring down at Ataru's struggling body. "Uh... okay... the axe is by the cooler."  
Ranma continued walking into the woods, cracking his knuckles. "I won't be needing it."  
  
Shinobu shook her head as Ranma walked away into the woods, and then looked down at Ataru, whose head was still embedded in the ground. "Your brother is scary sometimes..."  
Ataru pulled his head out of the dirt and then started scrubbing his hair with his hands. "Eh, once you get to know him, Ranma's not all that scary." He began to smack the side of his head, dislodging dirt stuck in his ears. "He acts like a badass all the time, but on the inside he's all heart."  
Shinobu cocked her head to one side, then nodded slightly. She supposed she could see what Ataru was talking about, though of all people, it seemed odd to hear it come from Ataru right after he was pummeled.  
Ataru dusted himself off. "But enough about him. Shinobu..."  
Shinobu blushed as her boyfriend took her hands in his own. "Y-Yes?"  
Ataru sighed softly, gazing deeply. "Ranma's going to be sleeping out under the stars, so I'll have the tent all to myself. That is, unless you want to-"  
Klonk! Shinobu's eye twitched as she smacked him over the head with the empty kettle. "Would you just stop?"  
  
Ataru shuddered and scooted closer to fire, attempting to find the critical point between unbearable heat and unbearable cold while he did his best to cook the treats impaled on his stick without burning them.  
Next to him, Shinobu pulled in her own stick and took off the marshmallows, casting a glance at Ataru's stick, which held chocolate chip cookies rather than sugar puffs. 'What is it with those boys and cookies?'  
Ranma, for his part, had forgone the fire entirely, and was lounging atop a tree branch, one leg hanging down easily, while staring up at the sky.  
The pigtailed boy blinked. "Hey! It's a shooting star!"  
The various students looked up, brightening.  
"Whoa! That's a heck of a comet!" Hiroshi said, surprised by how bright it was.  
"Quick! Everybody make a wish!" Sayuri said, clasping her hands together and closing her eyes.  
  
'Please cure Ataru of his excessive lust,' Shinobu prayed.  
'Gimme babes! Lots and lots of babes!' Ataru begged the star, drooling slightly.  
'Please give us more significant roles in the future,' Daisuke and Hiroshi wished, 'or at least some decent one-liners.'  
'Please give Nabiki a chance to get a good shot of Ranma in the shower soon; I paid for that picture in advance,' Yuka hoped.  
'Please let Akane find peace, or at least the inner strength to deal with her current trials at home,' Sayuri thoughtfully asked for her friend.  
'Please let the entire Saotome family die soon in some unimaginably painful fashion,' Akane wished, smiling brightly.  
'Please let those be Ataru's cookies that he's wolfing down,' Ranma hoped, peeking one eye open to stare longingly at the crisped and heated pastries.  
Because the martial artist still had one eye open, he was the first to notice that the shooting star was actually getting brighter, and had stopped moving across the starscape. "What the heck?"  
The other campers opened their eyes to see what was wrong.  
"You sure that's a shooting star, Saotome?" Hiroshi asked doubtfully.  
"Oh! I might have time for another wish!" Yuka said happily.  
Ranma was silent, though he made sure to get a better hold on his tree branch.  
Hiroshi's eye twitched. "I dunno... it's still getting brighter..." His eyes widened. "Oh my God! I think it's coming this way!"  
Daisuke gulped. "Houston, we have a problem."  
The two teenage boys turned to stare at each other. Then they high-fived each other.  
"All right!" "Yes!"  
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!  
  
Ataru got up unsteadily as the ground finished shaking, and all around him his classmates began to get back to their feet.  
"I... I don't believe it," Akane mumbled, "a real meteorite..."  
"Oh, how cool!" another girl exclaimed.  
"Hey, let's go see if we can find where it landed!" Daisuke said, grabbing the end of a blazing log and holding it up like a torch.  
"Wait! Check my face! Is it burned? Am I hurt?" Onsen Mark gasped as his students ran past him.  
Ranma rolled his eyes and jumped down before lighting tapping his teacher in the side with his foot. "Would you get up, you dope? You're fine."  
Ataru took Shinobu's hand and began to run after his fellow classmates. "Hey! What if the meteorite carried some aliens on it or something?"  
Within moments, Ranma had caught up to the pair, and was shaking his head. "With our luck, it probably will."  
A voice from far ahead penetrated the night air. "Hey! It's Lum!"  
Ataru, Shinobu, and Ranma all screeched to a halt, horrified expressions on their faces.  
"What?! But how?!" Ataru shouted, backing away.  
Ranma snorted. "I'd guess you either jinxed us by mentioning aliens, or you messed up the note and gave her correct directions."  
"Don't accuse me of screwing up the note!" Ataru yelled, pointing at his brother. "It was your stupid idea in the first place!"  
Ranma glared at him. "Oh, like you had any better ideas? Shut up!"  
Shinobu sweatdropped, and stepped between the twins, wringing her hands. "Hey, hey! Let's calm down! It's just Lum, right? Nothing too serious! At least we don't have any new aliens to deal with!"  
The voice from the impact site returned. "Hey! There's some kind of crow man lying here, too!  
Crash! "God damn it!" Ranma cursed as Ataru and Shinobu facefaulted behind him.  
  
"Man, what a freaky lookin' thing," Hiroshi commented as he stared down at the tiny creature that had fallen down next to the alien princess. It looked like a crow, but had a pair of arms in addition to wings, and was wearing monk's robes.  
Daisuke drooled a bit as he held his hand for Lum to hold. "Hey, I guess all aliens can't be beautiful. Need a hand?"  
Lum held her head dizzily, then shot up as Ranma approached with Ataru and Shinobu in tow.  
"Darling! You **are** here! I was so scared!" She said, relieved.  
Ataru grimaced. "Uh... yeah... hi." Then he frowned. "So, was that meteor actually your space ship?"  
The alien shook her head. "No, but I was flying around in the trees, trying to find you, and it surprised me!"  
Ranma picked up the crow by the back of its jacket. "Then I guess we'll be asking this guy once he comes to."  
Ataru nodded and pulled a canned beverage out from his own jacket. "Here, let me see 'im. This'll get him up."  
The young lecher popped open the can and began pouring the beverage down the crow man's beak, and was still at it when Onsen Mark caught up with his students.  
The educator immediately scowled and pointed at the can Ataru was holding. "Hey! This is a school trip! No alcoholic beverages!"  
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "We have aliens falling from the sky, and you're complaining about beer?"  
"Hey! I think he's coming to!" Ataru shouted, setting the drink aside as the crow man began to stir.  
The tiny alien shook his feathered head, and was overcome with a sense of dizziness that he immediately attributed to hitting something while flying escort on the mother ship.  
Looking up slowly, his eyes widened as he got a look at the young man stooped over him. "Whoa! Hic! What a looker! You are Hic! IT!"  
Ataru blinked. "Huh? What are you talking about?"  
The entire class watched closely in curiosity and confusion as the crow man took out a tiny walkie-talkie. "Okay, reel me Hic! in! P-Prin-Hic! Princess K will get her man!"  
VWOOSH! A sudden vacuum of air formed around Ataru and the tiny alien, and the young lecher shouted in surprise as he was sucked up into the sky.  
Ranma shielded his face as the wind storm settled, then stared into the sky, his eye twitching, as Ataru's form was swallowed by the shadows of the forest.  
"Why? Why does this always happen?" He muttered miserably, clenching his hands into fists.  
"Darling!" Lum cried, taking off into the sky. "Come back dar-WAH!!" Lum cried out suddenly as she was intercepted in mid-air.  
"Oh no you don't!" Ranma shouted, grabbing the alien around the waist and pulling her down to the ground. "You'll just screw things up even more!" Zip Zip Zip Ranma's arms became a blur, and the two teenagers' forms were momentarily obscured in a whirlwind of motion. "Shisou Ninjitsu special incapacitation technique! _Surprise binding_!"  
Before Lum could gather her wits enough to electrocute him, she found herself effectively bound in rope at the ankles, legs, shoulders, and wrists, and was dropped onto the ground as Ranma took to the trees.  
"HEY!! YOU STOP RIGHT THERE AND UNTIE ME!!"  
Ranma snorted. "You stay where you are and stay out of trouble. I'll take care of this." He moved his head slightly to look over the other students. "Nobody unties her until I get back!" With that declaration, Ranma turned away and leapt further into the forest, disappearing from view within moments.  
Back on the forest floor, Lum grit her teeth as she struggled fiercely with her ropes, to no avail.  
'How did he tie them so well so quickly? Where did he even GET rope so quickly?' Seeing no answer forthcoming, she began to yell at the teenagers surrounding her. "Hey! Stop gawking and get me loose!"  
Hiroshi made to approach, then gulped and hesitated. "I dunno... should we?" He mumbled.  
Daisuke sweatdropped as he watched Lum snarl and writhe while cursing, throwing out a loud electric shock at random, seemingly from sheer frustration. "I'm thinking no. Besides having to deal with Ranma when he gets back... Lum's not exactly making herself very approachable right now."  
Next to him, Shinobu nodded decisively. "He's right, anyway. Lum couldn't possibly do anything except make matters worse."  
There was general mumbling of agreement and weak protest at that.  
Then a single student walked forward from the circle of teenagers, surprising everyone.  
Akane smiled slightly. "Calm down, Lum. I'll help you."  
Lum stopped thrashing so much, and grit her teeth. "That jerk! When I get a hold of him I'm going to fry him to charcoal!"  
Akane's smile grew, and she began to untie the ropes despite Shinobu's protests behind her. "Oh, I'm sure you will."  
  
"Wh-Where are you taking me?!" Ataru shouted, riding along on the vacuum with the crow man carrying him by the back of his shirt. He wasn't sure how much of his weight the bird/alien was actually carrying himself, but frankly, he was glad for any more reassurance that he wouldn't end up making the sixty-foot fall to the forest floor.  
"Hic! I'm just taking you Hic! to our mother ship! Our prin-Hic!-princess needs a one-night bridegroom, if you Hic! know what I mean!"  
Ataru grimaced. "Isn't that a job for a crow MAN?" He didn't relish the idea of being forced to mate with a female version of the thing currently carrying him.  
The alien chuckled as the space ship came into view. "Our planet's a bit Hic! bare in the humanoid department, kiddo! Thought we'd give Earth a whirl!" The ship looked like a giant conch shell, with a single circular port on the rear end.  
Ataru groaned as he was sucked into the port by the strange air vacuum. 'Crow woman. Ugh.'  
  
Thud The other inhabitants of the space ship turned in surprise as their new guest was dropped heavily on the floor.  
One crow man, sitting atop a huge engine that generated the vacuum, frowned as he looked at the young man. "Hey, what's up? This is the best you could do?"  
The crow that had transported Ataru looked indignant. "What're ya Hic! talkin' bout? He's f-Hic!-fine!"  
The other aliens stared at Ataru.  
Ataru stared at the ship. Besides the normal array of high-tech-looking machines that he couldn't begin to guess the function of, there were numerous posters taped up on several walls and supports that had "Babies! Think babies!" printed on it. He shuddered.  
"Well... I don't know. The princess likes **handsome** men," an older crow man with a long white beard said.  
"Still, we're sort of pressed for time," another alien reasoned.  
"And since he's been forced on us..."  
Ataru could hear their mumblings, and immediately scrambled for the exit. "I'm leaving! Find some other stud!"  
"Hey!" The bearded crow yelled. "Stop him!"  
Glancing behind him, Ataru immediately noticed the crow man atop the engine-looking thing flip the switch on the side. "Oh, no you don't!"  
WOOSH! With a level of grace that one would never expect from the terminally incompetent boy, Ataru jumped up and clung to the ceiling of the spacecraft, managing handholds where there were none.  
"Ha! How do ya like that?!" Ataru shouted, grinning.  
The aliens blinked in surprise, and the bearded crow slowly nodded. "Good agility, if nothing else... maybe this one is of decent stock after all, despite his looks."  
"Hey, Hic! what'd I tell ya?"  
Ataru snorted. "Stock, shmock! I am SO outta......" the young lecher trailed off as he noticed something in the rear of the room from his new vantage point of the ship interior. A large metal cell, just larger than a typical person's body was connected to several wire outputs. The top of the cell was glass, and through it Ataru could just barely make out a figure...  
"Hey, there's something with breasts in there!" He said in shock, jumping down from the ceiling and zipping up to the cell with even greater skill and speed than he had just displayed.  
"Oh... my... GOD..." Ataru twitched, and a bit of drool leaked from the corner of his mouth.  
Lying in the cell was a striking young woman, wearing a black leather approximation of a one-piece swimsuit that seemed to deliberately display her excellently endowed chest in the best possible manner. In fact, the only indication that she was anything but human was that the hair on the sides of her head formed two remotely crow-like wing shapes.  
Ataru immediately turned around and grabbed the nearest crow man around the neck. "YOU!! I accept the whole bridegroom thing! Open the coffin! OPEN IT!!"  
The other aliens jerked back, startled by the sudden change in attitude. The bearded one in particular began to think that it wasn't such a good idea. "N-Now hold on! We need to think about this!"  
Ataru wasn't listening at that point, instead drooling quite openly over the glass shield keeping him from the interior of the coffin. 'Oh, thank you shooting star! Thank you!'  
The bearded crow shook his head. "No, I don't think so. This one will not do after all." Then he noticed that the alien who had chosen the mate was stumbling toward the sleeping pod controls. "Hey! Stop! You fool!"  
"Aw, whadda you know? Hic! Ish my job to Hic! choose 'em, right?" He reached the panel under the sleeping pod, and reached for the deactivation switch. "You want it Hic! open? Fine!" His hand jabbed for the device.  
WAAAAAM!! And missed, as the entire ship shook violently just long enough to throw the alien completely off-balance.  
Whang! That same crow man ended up banging his head on the solid metal next to the controls, and the sleeping chamber remained stable in its function as the shaking quickly stopped.  
  
"What... What was that?" The bearded crow asked.  
A different alien dashed toward a display. "Something struck the infrastructure of the ship!" He explained. Then his eyes widened. "INTRUDER!! Somebody's penetrated the outer hull and is making their way through the ship interior!"  
"What? Now?" The old alien groused. "What a time to be under attack!"  
Ataru finally turned around, having missed both the sudden vibrations and the recent exchange between the aliens. "Hey, what's the holdup? Open this thing, already!" He banged on the glass for emphasis, which caused all the crow men to wince and glare at him.  
The bearded crow man shook his head. "No. You simply will not do. We'll find someone else, but right now we have an emergency! Now go!"  
"What?! Go?!" Ataru shouted, staring down at the tiny creature. "After you guys dragged me here, now you're just going to toss me away?!"  
WHAM!! A second violent vibration shook the craft, and Ataru nearly stumbled over.  
Wang! Wham! Slam! Directly in his line of sight, the lecher's eyes widened as several bulging dents began to appear in a nearby door.  
"THE INTRUDER!! IT'S MADE IT HERE ALREADY!!" The technician crow cried out, waving his arms in panic.  
Ataru blinked. "On second thought... okay. Leaving sounds good right about now."  
KAPOW!! Everybody flinched back as the reinforced door burst from its frame, and Ataru considered breaking the sleeping cell open so that he could escape with the princess, and hopefully be rewarded for his bravery.  
Of course, once he saw who the "intruder" was, he didn't have much reason to flee.  
"Stupid rassafrassin space-age metals," Ranma muttered irritably, massaging his fist. He immediately spotted Ataru, who waved at him. "There you are. Come on. We're leaving."  
Ataru chuckled weakly as all the aliens present slowly turned to look at him. "Actually, it turns out things are cool! You can go back to the camp! I'll be back tomorrow morning!"  
Ranma raised an eyebrow, and his expression turned skeptical. "Okay, now I KNOW something's up." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not leaving without an explanation. A GOOD one."  
As Ataru began to stutter out some diversionary assurances, the bearded crow man looked Ranma up and down.  
'Hmmm... a more visible musculature, broad chest, flat stomach, chiseled features... yes, this one fits Princess Kurama's preferences perfectly!'  
The crow stepped forward, arms clasped behind his back in what he hoped was a diplomatic manner. "Pardon me, sir..."  
Ranma turned away from Ataru and looked down, his expression perfectly neutral. "What do you want? If it's about your ship, I'm not paying for the damage."  
The bearded alien sweatdropped. "Ah. Yes. About that... why, exactly, did you do all that?"  
Ranma jerked his head over toward Ataru. "I'm here for my brother. You guys abducted him, so you're responsible for the damage done to your ship in the rescue." He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small pamphlet. "Says so right here. See?"  
The crow man sweatdropped as he took the small brochure, which was titled [So You're Going to Invade Earth! Rules and tips for abductions, sieging, various probing and more!]  
"Ah... yes. I see. Very well. That wasn't what I was actually concerned about, anyway." He put the pamphlet away in his tiny jacket; it would probably come in handy later.  
Then he pointed toward the sleeping capsule. "In this capsule is our princess, the only female of our race. She is the only one capable of continuing our species, lest we die out completely in a mere century."  
Ranma nodded slowly, and craned his neck slightly to peek inside the coffin. "Huh. She's not much like the rest of you, eh?"  
The old crow shook his head. "No, she's not. Because of our princess' unique biology, she requires a humanoid mate in order to give birth to our kind. All that is required is that a single night of mating take place between the chosen male and the princess, and it will allow our species a whole other generation of offspring."  
Suddenly, Ataru stepped forward, smacking a fist into his chest, his expression utterly serious. "Yes! And they've chosen **me**!"  
Ranma's eyes widened, though with his eyes on his brother, he didn't notice the old alien try and contradict him. "You? YOU'RE the mate?"  
Ataru nodded seriously, gripping one hand into a fist and holding it up before him. "Can't you see? I can't stand by and reject these poor people when their species is in danger of extinction! I must accept my chosen role and do my duty! Not merely as a man, but as a sympathetic, civilized human being!"  
The crow men all sweatdropped, and turned to look at Ranma, who was staring at Ataru expressionlessly.  
".................." Eventually, Ranma sighed, and then shrugged. "I can think of lots of reasons why you shouldn't do this... but none of them are good enough to actually bother trying to stop you. So just this once, I'm going to pretend I believe all that bull you just handed me."  
"YES!!" Ataru cheered and pumped his arm up and down in the air as Ranma turned around to leave.  
"But-But wait!" The bearded crow yelled, grabbing onto Ranma's pant leg. "No! It's YOU we want as the mate!"  
"Grk!" Ranma jerked to a stop, and then whirled around. "What?"  
"WHAT?!" Ataru shook his head fiercely. "No! I saw her first! She's mine, you hear me? MINE!!"  
The old one shook his head in disgust. "Such a primitive, lust-ridden mind is unsuitable for Princess Kurama's mate. In addition, your brother lacks the... physical quality that our princess desires."  
"Hey! You got something to say to me?!" Ataru challenged, glaring down at the crow man's back.  
Ranma snorted and turned away again. "Bah. Forget it."  
"Wh-What? But why?!" The crow man asked in distress.  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "If you HAVE to have a reason, I'm not the type of guy to just get with a girl for a night and then leave. Since that's the type of 'mate' you're looking for, Ataru's perfect."  
"But... But..." The old crow stuttered, and then gulped. He hadn't considered the possibility of the mate providing such stiff resistance. And given the level of damage he had done to the ship, it probably wasn't feasible to force him, either.  
Then the alien's eyebrow rose. 'There may be another way...'  
As Ranma once again turned away, the bearded crow man quickly zipped in front of him. "Wait! Before you leave, I ask that you take a close look at our princess! You may reconsider!"  
"Hey, what am I, chopped liver?!" Ataru complained. Everybody ignored him.  
Ranma simply turned away. "Give it a REST. I 'aint that shallow."  
"Yes, yes, of course!" The alien said quickly, bigsweating. "But I beg of you! One close look! If you don't change your mind, I swear that you can leave without further complaint or hindrance!"  
"Or for the love of..." Ranma mumbled and he massaged his forehead. Finally, he sighed and walked toward the cell, his hands stuffed in his pockets. "FINE. One look, and then I'm outta here."  
"One CLOSE look," the aged crow reminded him, winking at another alien next to the base of the chamber.  
Ataru snorted in annoyance, but waited patiently as Ranma stepped up to the cell. He knew Ranma was now more than ever set against the aliens, so there was no reason to protest even further. With how stubborn Ranma could be, he'd refuse even if he suddenly decided he WANTED to sleep with the girl.  
Ranma stared flatly at the exotic face under the glass. "Not bad. Still not sleeping with her, though."  
"Please! A little closer!"  
Gritting his teeth, Ranma put both hands on the edge of the sleeping chambers and leaned in close, so that his nose was almost touching the glass. "THERE. That close enough for ya?"  
"Yes... that's perfect."  
Ataru's eyes widened in alarm as he saw another crow man hit the switch on the side of the chamber.  
Woosh Ranma blinked as the glass suddenly slid away in front of him, and he almost cried out in surprise as his head was shoved forward from behind. Bwack!  
The bearded crow grinned as he stood up on the back of Ranma's head. "Yes! Success!" Then his perch twitched in agitation.  
Bok! Whack! Pow! Ranma finished pummeling the tiny alien (using only minimal force so as not to kill it), and then grabbed it around the neck.  
"What the hell was that all about?!" Ranma demanded, not noticing Ataru zip behind him and duck into the coffin.  
Smooch! "Oh yeah! You're all mine, baby!"  
Ranma's eyes narrowed, ignoring the events occurring behind him. "Well? What's the deal?" In his anger, he didn't quite realize that he was cutting his prisoner off from much-needed oxygen.  
Slap! "Unhand me at once!"  
Ranma blinked, suddenly distracted from his interrogation.  
  
Princess Kurama grimaced in disgust as she stared at the young man leering down at her, grinning despite the red hand print on his cheek.  
Gritting her teeth, she immediately grabbed the back of the boy's head and slammed it into the edge of the sleep pod. "Old one! Where are you?!"  
Ranma frowned, and then turned around, holding out the nearly-suffocated crow man. "This him?"  
"Yes, thank you," Kurama hastily confirmed, then snatched the elderly alien from the martial artist's hand. "What is this... this human WOLF doing here?! I told you to... find...... me........." Very slowly, she turned her head back around toward the teenager that had been choking her retainer a moment before.  
Ranma stared back. "What?" He asked, confused.  
Kurama mutely stared at his face, then slowly lowered her gaze downward, before moving upward again. Then her tongue darted out and slid over her upper lip in such a way that Ranma felt a slight shudder pass through him.  
The moment was ruined, however, when Ataru jumped up between the pair. "Princess! It's me! Your mate! I'm all ready to-Gugh!" His elated shout was cut short as the crow princess stood up and shoved her boot in the young lecher's face.  
Scowling, the princess turned and glared at her elder retainer, who she gripped in her hand with only slightly less force than Ranma had. "What is the meaning of this?! Why was it this miserable specimen," she ground her foot a bit further into Ataru's face for emphasis, "the one to wake me, rather than this other one?!"  
"B-But Princess!" The elder protested, "He **was** the one to wake you! He kissed you but a moment before this other one did!"  
Ranma jerked back as Kurama turned to stare at him hopefully. "The hell I did! You just bashed my face into hers! That wasn't no kiss!"  
"YES!! I score on the technicality!" Ataru cheered, prying his face off of Kurama's boot.  
Kurama frowned. "I see... that would also explain why my nose is somewhat sore."  
"Are you certain?" The bearded alien pressed. "At no point did your lips touch hers?"  
"Did my lips touch-" Ranma repeated, backing up uncertainly. After a moment, he scowled. "How the hell should I know?! You just shoved my face down! I didn't bother to note what touched what! Why does that even matter?!"  
"Old one!" Kurama growled, "How dare you make a mockery of this most critical procedure! I will not stand to have just any man be my mate!"  
"Hello? Over here? Remember me? I'M the mate!" Ataru shouted, getting irritated at being ignored yet again. "And believe me, I'm not just anybody!"  
"You're worse!" Ranma shouted, taking a moment away from his indignant defense to berate his twin. "The average guy wouldn't go and lock lips with any girl who's just lying around unconscious!"  
"Hey, stop complaining!" Ataru yelled back, "You already said you didn't want to go through with this, so just be glad I was here to cover for you!"  
"And just why would you reject the mating ritual?" Kurama asked Ranma heatedly. "Is my body somehow inadequate?!"  
"Oh, don't you even start!"  
  
The elder crow man bigsweated badly as the three humanoids began to argue more and more chaotically. All around him, the other aliens poked their heads out from behind machines and scrap litter, hiding from the conflict.  
Finally the old alien found the courage to interrupt. "PLEASE, EVERYONE JUST CALM DOWN!!"  
Then he gulped as three furious glares turned and bored into him. "WHAT?!?!"  
Trembling slightly, the bearded crow forced himself to calm down. "Please, allow me to explain the current circumstances! We'll get nowhere with all this arguing!"  
Ranma, Ataru, and Kurama all hesitated, then slowly nodded.  
The old one sighed. "Okay then. On our world it is written that whomever gives our princess the awakening kiss must be the one to mate with her. However, we now have an unprecedented case, in which we're not sure if the first supposed 'kiss' actually happened. Obviously, the second kiss we can be sure of, but if the first landed correctly, then the second is meaningless. Unfortunately, the two incidents happened too quickly to determine off-hand which one actually awoke the princess."  
Ranma twitched. "I don't see why it matters, since you forced me to make my 'kiss' anyway!"  
"Your protests solve nothing," Kurama gently insisted, "let him finish."  
'Damn it!' Ataru thought, gripping his hands into fists. 'Why does Ranma always end up getting in my way, even when he doesn't want to?! It's not fair!'  
The elder crow pointed to a computer screen. "Luckily, we can solve the problem of which contact awoke the princess quite easily. The sleeping chamber's life support readouts are fed through the same computer that monitors the security system."  
The bearded crow gestured sharply, and a different alien nervously hurried to the control station, whereupon he began inputting commands into the ship computer.  
"We can simply run the security monitor footage alongside the life support data, and determine the precise moment when the princess regained consciousness!"  
"Great," Ataru mumbled, frowning, "and THEN what?"  
"One thing at a time, Ataru," Ranma muttered, his arms crossed over his chest. 'Man, it really figures. What else could go wrong tonight?' Then his eyes widened as his danger senses alerted him to a form of energy that was becoming quite familiar to him. "Not again! Not now!"  
"Huh? OOF!" Kurama and Ataru began to turn toward the martial artist to see what had startled him, when they were both suddenly tackled to the ground just in time to avoid a thick ribbon of electricity.  
GA-ZAAAAK!! Bzzzt! Bzzzt! The crow aliens' eyes widened as the bolt struck the computer, causing the screen to go fuzzy as arcs of power curled around the monitor and seeped into the sensitive components it was attached to.  
"The computer! No!"  
"It's gonna blow!"  
"Get down!"  
KA-BLAM!! A small fireball burst from the entire wall of components, and Ranma grimaced as he felt shards of glass fall all over his back.  
"Raaaaanma..." A dangerous growl came from the rear of the ship, and the martial artist's eyebrow twitched.  
Gritting his teeth, the pigtailed boy got up and turned around. "Don't 'Ranma' me! I told you to stay at the camp site, you idiot!"  
Lum grit her own teeth, baring her fangs. "You tied me up and dumped me on the ground while darling was in danger somewhere! You think I'll forgive you for that?!"  
"I don't give a damn whether you-" he stopped shouting suddenly as he felt someone grab his arm.  
Looking back, he saw Kurama staring at him almost tearfully, and he blinked in surprise.  
"You... You saved my life..."  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Uh... look, not now, okay? I'm kind of in the middle of something."  
Lum's eyes narrowed as she stared at the woman holding onto Ranma, and then dismissed her, not caring if the stranger had something to do with her love's twin brother.  
Spotting her darling trying to hide behind some kind of big engine, Lum was about to go check the boy for injuries, when she noticed a bearded crow man sobbing in front of the fried displays.  
"The computer! No! All the data's been destroyed! Now we'll never know who's kiss woke the princess!"  
Lum blinked, and she focused more intently on the elder alien. "What?"  
The elder turned toward Lum angrily, not noticing Ataru's shushing gestures from behind the vacuum generator. "You've destroyed the computer! We were going to determine whether the pigtailed boy kissed our princess!"  
Lum suddenly relaxed. "Oh. You mean only **he** kissed her, then." She pointed at Ranma, who began making shushing gestures at the older crow as well.  
Unfortunately, the distraught alien still didn't notice. "No, the other one kissed our princess! We're just not sure if this one technically kissed her as well! And thanks to you, we'll never find out!"  
Crackle! Unfortunately for most concerned, Lum didn't really care how far Ranma had gone with the alien vixen. "Daaaaaaaarling..."  
"Oh hell," Ataru muttered fearfully, pressing his back flat against the far wall of the ship away from his 'wife'.  
"Stop this at once!"  
Lum angrily turned to see who was attempting to interfere with her vengeance, and growled as Princess Kurama stepped in front of Ranma.  
"Who are you that you dare to so brazenly attack me in my own ship?" Kurama demanded, holding what looked like a giant maple leaf in front of her that Ranma was just **sure** was some kind of nutty weapon.  
"I'm darling's wife!" Lum shouted, pointing at Ataru, who smiled nervously.  
Kurama snorted. "Oh. So you're here for the other one. Well, I don't care if that fool IS your spouse, you won't get away with attacking me and my mate!"  
"Hey! I am NOT your mate!" Ranma yelled defensively, to absolutely no effect.  
Lum snarled. "Don't call my darling a fool! And you'd better get out of the way, because your 'mate' has some divine retribution coming!"  
Kurama calmly held her oversized leaf to one side. "You will NOT harm him. If you bring this to blows, I guarantee you'll regret it."  
The oni princess bared her fangs again. "Ha! I'll take you on!"  
The crow princess scowled. "Very well then! Prepare yourself for a humiliating defeat, demon!"  
Just as the two women were about to launch their respective attacks, a single crow man flew up to hover between the two. "Uh, pardon me?"  
Both aliens jerked to a stop, and they regarded the interrupting creature curiously.  
"What is it? Can't you see I'm busy?" Kurama demanded.  
"Well, it's just that," the crow man twiddled his fingers nervously, "aren't you fighting over those two boys?"  
Both women stopped to think about that.  
Lum frowned. "Well... sort of..."  
Kurama slowly nodded. "In an abstract sort of way. So?"  
"It's just that... uh... they just snuck out," the alien supplied helpfully, pointing toward the doorway that Ranma had forced open earlier.  
The princesses stared mutely at the exit, noting that, indeed, their respective love interests were nowhere to be found. "........................ DAMN IT ALL!!"  
  
"Ngh... so... so close... so very... close..." Ataru mumbled and turned over in his sleeping bag, grimacing in his sleep.  
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzz... Snrk!" Very suddenly, his eyes popped open, and he sniffed the air.  
"Hmmm... ah! Breakfast's cooking!" The young lecher sat up and cracked his neck to each side, and then sighed as he spent a moment contemplating the previous night. "Damn. So, so close. Just a few minutes more, and my days of virginity would be over!"  
"A few MINUTES?!" Ranma mumbled into his pillow.  
Ataru blinked in surprise, not expecting Ranma to still be in the tent with him. Hell, the pigtailed boy normally wouldn't have been in the tent at all, except that after the previous night, Ranma had deemed it unwise to sleep out in the open where Lum could find him unconscious before she had a chance to calm down. "Uh... well... yeah. I mean, all she needs is the juice, right? No need to drag things out. Win-win, you know?" Ignoring his brother's disgusted grunt, he scratched his head in confusion. Ranma always got up before Ataru to begin his exercises before Genma could wake him. "So, what are you still doing in bed? Decided to skip the training while you're here?"  
Ranma's sleeping bag twitched, and the martial artist slowly pushed himself up. "I'm still in bed because SOMEBODY was mumbling 'close, so close!' and tossing and turning ALL BLOODY NIGHT."  
Ataru rolled his eyes. "Get a grip. It was only for that first hour or so."  
"And then some more in your **sleep**!" Ranma yelled, shaking in frustration as he sat up fully.  
Ataru bigsweated and retreated slightly. "Okay! Okay! Sorry! My bad!" Then he stopped to think about what he had been told. "So, I was actually doing that all night?"  
"No," Ranma answered miserably, "just for a little while. Then you started doing something ELSE that I'm desperately trying to forget." Turning away, Ranma crawled out of his sleeping bag and began to change clothes.  
Ataru sweatdropped and started to get dressed himself. "Well, in all fairness, things would have worked out just fine last night if you hadn't shown up."  
"MIGHT have," Ranma corrected him, buttoning the ties on his shirt, "and that's assuming I could have kept Lum busy for long enough."  
Ataru nodded somberly and patted his brother on the back. "That's okay, bro. You tried. For me. That's the important thing. That's what brotherhood is all about."  
"I hate you."  
"I know," Ataru admitted, "but you do this stuff anyway, 'cause that's the kind of man you are!"  
"The gullible idiot kind?" Ranma asked, putting on his slippers.  
Ataru stopped to think about it as he got on his own shoes. "Well, yeah, but throw 'loyal' and 'selfless' in there too."  
Gritting his teeth, Ranma pushed open the flap the of the tent and stepped outside, Ataru just a step behind him.  
"Well, it's about time you two woke up."  
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Both Saotomes immediately recoiled in horror, clutching each other, before tripping on their own tent and falling down in a heap of limps and poles.  
Cherry blinked. "Now what's the matter?"  
"F-First thing to see... the moment I get outside..." A lone tear fell down Ranma's cheek as he stood up slowly. "And this day can only get worse..."  
Ataru scrambled to his feet. "What the hell are YOU doing here?! Leaving you behind was looking to be the only good thing about this whole stupid trip!"  
Cherry snorted, and placed his palms together under his chin. "Despite your protests, I've come to help you unfortunate wretches in this hour of great need."  
Wham! Cherry's unpleasant face met the ground at a speed that none could deem healthy.  
"Watch who you're calling a 'wretch', you old slimeball!" Ranma growled, pulling his foot out of the ground.  
Cherry immediately sat up. "I beg your forgiveness, then. So! Shall we get started?"  
Ataru frowned. "Started on what?"  
"Everybody else has eaten already," the monk explained, "so you two are the last to make your breakfast."  
Ranma's eye twitched. "And I suppose you think we're going to make some for you, too."  
Cherry nodded seriously. "Well, I DID come all this way to see you through this trial. It's the least you could do."  
Ranma twitched again, but smiled despite. "Oh, but you know me! Always going that extra mile!" Then he began to roll up his sleeve in preparation for more violence.  
"Oh, save it, would you?" Ataru grumbled, rooting through the camping gear. "It's too early for this." He took out a pan, and a large, cylindrical can. Then the lecher turned toward Cherry. "If I make you extra portions, will you go away and not come back?"  
Cherry blinked. "Leave? But I-"  
"YES or NO?" Ranma interrupted harshly.  
The elderly priest frowned, then shrugged. "I suppose I will, if that's really your wish."  
"Excellent!" Ataru cheered, suddenly in a much better mood.  
  
Dragging the equipment over to the fire pit, the young man spotted a familiar face eating scrambled eggs alongside some of the other students. "Hey Lum! See you found your way back!"  
"Darling!" Lum cheered, spotting him after he called her name. "You're okay!"  
"Despite your best efforts, yes, we both got through that mess in pretty good shape," Ranma said bitterly, reaching the pit and setting up some firewood.  
Lum scowled as she floated next to her husband, but what interrupted before she could bring things to violence.  
Ataru nodded somberly as he placed the food next to the pan. "Now Lum, Ranma was just trying to do what he thought was best at the time."  
Shinobu, who was eating across the field from Lum, glared at bit at Akane before she interrupted the conversation. "He knew you would just screw things up even more."  
Lum snorted and turned away. "And did I?"  
"YES!!" Both Saotomes shouted.  
Frowning, Shinobu finished her breakfast and then walked over to her boyfriend uncertainly. "By the way Ataru... I heard about some of what happened last night... what exactly did that... crow princess?" She looked uncertainly at Ranma, who nodded. "What did she want?"  
Ataru twitched, then sighed heavily, his mood dropping as he trudged over to his pile of supplies. "Oh... nothing. Nothing that matters now, anyway."  
Ranma rolled his eyes as he took a seat a good distance away from the fire pit. "Get over it, man. It's over."  
Nodding sadly, Ataru picked up the cylindrical can from before and brought it over to the stack of firewood, unscrewing the top and pouring the liquid inside all over the pile.  
Onsen Mark, who was finishing his own breakfast of instant ramen (good for three meals a day, seven days a week, 356 days a year!) on the other side of the field, started in surprise when he saw what Ataru was doing. "Hey! Stop that! What is that stuff?" He demanded, running up to the fire pit.  
Ataru stopped pouring to give his teacher an odd look. "So is this, like, a trick question, or what? What does it say on the side of the can?"  
Shinobu's eyes bulged. "You mean that's really gasoline?"  
"Unless that price-gouging bastard at the station ripped me off even more than I thought," Ataru muttered, continuing to drown the prepared wood in engine fuel.  
"Sh-Should you be using that stuff for a cook fire?!" Onsen Mark asked nervously, starting to back away.  
"Bah!" Ataru shouted in annoyance. "I've been on the road for most of my life, and here you go asking stupid questions, as if I don't know something as basic as outdoor cooking!"  
Shinobu turned toward Ranma, sure that the pigtailed boy had some snide response to that. To her surprise, Ataru's brother was lounging quite comfortably under a nearby tree, ignoring the whole exchange.  
Watching as several students began to give the Saotomes a greater berth, Cherry stepped forward and shook his head. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."  
Ataru snorted and finished pouring the last of the can of lighter fluid onto the wood. "If I had a yen for every time someone's said that to me while I've done this, I could afford to just build a hotel every time I go camping."  
Cherry shook his head. "This isn't good. There's something quite ominous about this fire."  
"That's just the gasoline fumes," Ranma reasoned, standing up and stretching. "Light it up Ataru!" Then he frowned and turned around as he heard a slight rustling in the tree behind him.  
Ataru took a match out of his pocket, and everyone else in the class stared in morbid fascination as he struck it on the bottom of his shoe and held it up at arm's length away from him.  
Thus, there was a pretty good audience for what happened next.  
  
Wsssh "LOOK OUT!!"  
Ataru blinked as he heard Ranma shout, and then grunted as he was shoved out of the way.  
Wham! Ranma grunted as the large, colorful Chinese mace slammed into his face; with the extra time he had taken to push Ataru AWAY from the fire pit, he didn't even have enough time to prepare any kind of defense, much less dodge entirely.  
Crash! He grimaced further as he hit the pile of firewood hard, the force behind the thrown bonbori even more than he had guessed at first.  
Whatever he did when Ataru's match fell on top of him wasn't very obvious, what with all the flames springing up, but the many witnesses all agreed that it was probably just another expression of pain, anyway.  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!"  
Ataru winced and covered his ears as a flaming humanoid shape burst from the sudden bonfire, screaming.  
Largely ignoring that incident, he turned to look at the projectile that had caused the whole mess, and his eyes widened as he recongized it instantly.  
"Shampoo's here?!" He shouted, searching around quickly, attempting to locate the source of the weapon.  
"Hiya!" Before her prey managed to spot her, Shampoo leapt up from the tree she was hiding in and brought her second bonbori in position for an overhead strike. "Now you die Ata-!"  
And then she froze in mid-blow, touching down onto the ground with her weapon stopping an inch from Ataru's skull.  
"What? Who you?"  
  
A bit further away, Ranma continued to flail around as he zipped across the field at high speed, in too much pain to address his current conflict coherently.  
"OHGODITBURNSHEYDON'TJUSTSTANDTHERESOMEBODYHELPME!!!"  
Yuka and several other girls immediately emerged carrying buckets of water. "Ranma! Here!" Splash!  
"Yow!" To the girls' surprise, Ranma immediately jumped out of the path of the water, apparently more concerned with getting wet than being on fire. "Never mind! I'll do it myself!" The blazing teenager immediately dropped onto the ground and began rolling back and forth, oblivious to the incredulous stares he got from all the students who weren't absorbed with watching Ataru getting attacked.  
  
Lum and Shinobu immediately jumped to either side of Shampoo, glaring heatedly at the Amazon.  
"Who are you?! Leave Ataru alone!"  
"You're the girl from before! You won't get away with attacking darling like that!"  
Shampoo ignored them, staring intently at Ataru.  
Ataru blinked, then smiled widely at her as he realized that she wasn't going to bash his head in.  
To Ataru's disappointment, Shampoo immediately turned toward Lum. "You is one looking for Ataru before. You tell where Ataru is, or Shampoo kill!"  
Lum's electric aura began to charge up, despite the results of the last battle with the Amazon, when Shampoo's words registered properly. "Huh? Darling's right in front of you!"  
Shinobu had the sense of mind to be more discrete about her confusion. "You're looking for Ataru Saotome?"  
Shampoo whirled to face the schoolgirl. "Yes! You know where is?"  
Shinobu frowned, and then pointed toward Ataru. "And that's not him?"  
Shampoo shook her head decisively. "Ataru is woman!"  
Ataru sweatdropped as whispering began among the surrounding students who weren't busy watching Ranma tend to his burns.  
"My darling is NOT a woman!" Lum protested. "That was just a disguise!" She remembered the incident that had won Ataru the race between the Oni Empire and Earth, and had assumed that Shampoo had been duped by the same trick (it had not yet occurred to her that if this was true, that she wouldn't want to blow his cover).  
Shampoo merely snorted, however. "Was NOT disguise. Shampoo find Ataru hide in Shao Ling bath house, and see very clear. Ataru Shampoo looking for is woman." She took another disdainful glance at the teenager she had almost squashed. "And this one not Ataru."  
Daisuke frowned, and then shrugged. "Well, he's the only Ataru around here."  
Hiroshi nodded toward his friend. "Yup. We'd know if there was a girl around that went by the same exact name."  
Ataru began to sweat some more, but still managed to keep his mouth shut.  
"Why are you trying to kill this girl, anyway?" Shinobu asked, frowning. Obviously the foreigner was looking for someone other than her boyfriend, but after she had nearly killed Ataru and cooked Ranma, the least the girl owed was an explanation for her assault.  
Shampoo crossed her arms under her chest and continued to scan the area, angry that she had spent so much time tracking the wrong Ataru. "Ataru disgrace Shampoo in front of tribe by winning tournament! Shampoo can no return home until Ataru dead!"  
Lum blinked, then she smirked. "Wait, so this girl BEAT you? That's why you have to kill her?" She stuck her tongue out at the fuming Amazon. "Sounds like someone's a sore loser!"  
Shampoo grit her teeth, but refrained from attacking. She had been thrown off the trail, and needed to get back on. Besides, the last fight with the alien had been too close for Shampoo to risk again on a whim. "Is not just pride. Is LAW." She took a small book out from nowhere, and then flipped it open and held it out to Shinobu. "You read."  
Hesitantly, Shinobu took the small booklet, and then looked it over. "It says, 'If an Amazon woman is defeated by an outsider woman, the Amazon must give the victor the kiss of death and then kill her without delay.'" Her eye twitched. "What? What kind of a law is that?!"  
"An unfortunate one," Ataru mumbled, gently taking the book so that he could look for himself.  
Shampoo nodded sharply at the floating oni. "So you see. Is really not Shampoo choice. Must find Ataru and kill, or dishonor Shampoo, Shampoo family, and Shampoo whole tribe!" She began to raise a fist in the air and pose dramatically, when a finger tapped her on the shoulder.  
Turning, Shampoo saw it was the boy she had attacked. "What you want? Shampoo sorry she almost kill, but must go now!"  
Ataru ignored her protest, and pointed seriously to the book. "What's this part here? Under the killing the girl thing? Is that a mistranslation?"  
Shampoo blinked. "Amazon law say that if man beat Amazon, Amazon what beaten marry man. Is not wrong."  
A little ways behind Ataru, where he had been lying on his back panting, Ranma suddenly shot up into the sitting position. "WHAT?!"  
That was startling to Shampoo, but not nearly as bad as when the boy before her started to chuckle slowly.  
Lum and Shinobu stared. "Darling?" "Ataru?"  
The young lecher ignored them and turned toward Hiroshi and Daisuke. "Bring tea! Hot tea! And cold drinking water! At once!"  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke looked at each other.  
"Do we have to do what he says?" Hiroshi asked, not wanting to be put to work.  
"I think we do," Daisuke admitted, "we did ask for more important roles."  
Grumbling irritably, the two boys left for the rear of the camp site, walking past Ranma as the pigtailed boy rushed toward his brother.  
  
"Ataru, please, I'm BEGGING you. Don't do this. Seriously," Ranma asked anxiously, bigsweating.  
Ataru snickered and rubbed his hands together. "You expect me to pass up an opportunity like this?!"  
"Nothing good will come of this!" Ranma shouted, grabbing the lecher by the front of his shirt and shaking him. "You'll only make things worse! I'm telling you that-" GA-ZAAACK!! Ranma was cut off as a bolt of lightning slammed into his back, blasting him away from Ataru and frying him badly for the second time that day.  
"Leave my darling alone!" Lum said hotly, floating down next to the young man. After seeing him nearly get smashed by Shampoo, the alien princess was feeling rather protective of the boy.  
"Lum!" Shinobu shouted, stepping up in front of her. "What's the matter with you?! We don't even know what's going on!" Turning toward Ataru, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Ataru, what is this? Why are you so interested in that law?"  
The lecher merely smirked and raised his hands into the air, forestalling any more questioning. "All will be explained very soon." He grinned at Hiroshi and Daisuke returned, hauling a kettle of tea and a bottle of water.  
Shampoo frowned as Ataru approached the boys. "You say this quick! Shampoo have job to do!"  
The young lecher waved her off. "Believe me, you don't want to miss this."  
"Ata-Ataru," Ranma groaned, slowly standing up again, "I'm telling you... somebody's REALLY going to regret this..."  
"I second that motion," Cherry said, stepping up alongside the burned teenager. "Whatever you're about to do is probably a bad idea."  
"OH, SHUT UP!!" Both Saotomes yelled, knocking the monk off his feet. "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!!"  
  
Ataru snatched up the bottle of drinking water, and then pointed dramatically at Shampoo. "SHAMPOO!! It was I who defeated you in combat at the tournament in your village!"  
GASP! There was a collective intake of breath as all the students drew back in surprise and shock.  
"Psst!" Hiroshi whispered to Daisuke, "Why are we acting so surprised? Ataru's lying, right?"  
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure," Daisuke admitted, "it just seemed like the proper response."  
Shampoo, for her part, didn't look amused. "Is not true. Shampoo say again, see girl Ataru in bath house, was definitely girl! No disguise that good!"  
"It was no disguise," Ataru said simply, unscrewing the cap on the water. "Before we got to your village, me, my brother, and our father went to the cursed springs of Jusenkyou!"  
Shampoo's eyes widened, and then narrowed again.  
The lecher nodded, still smiling. "That's right! While there, we were cursed to change form with cold water, and remain in that form until hot water returns us to our natural bodies!"  
Shinobu gasped. "You mean... at the race..."  
"It wasn't just a disguise?" Lum finished, shocked.  
Ataru chuckled somewhat bitterly, and Shampoo began to slowly draw herself back, as she had already figured out where this is going. "That is correct! For I fell into the Spring of Drowned Girl!" Splash!  
Shock and dismay crossed Shampoo's features as the lecherous young man was replaced with a lecherous young woman, and her face drained of color as the full implications of all this struck her like one of Lum's lightning bolts. "But... But... you is... is man?"  
Ataru nodded, and then she grabbed up the kettle, ignoring the gaping that occurred all around her. "That's right! Witness now as I return to my true form!"  
Hsssss  
Shampoo slowly slumped to her knees, her eyebrow twitching. She had to marry him. This worthless, sex-crazed weakling that had triumphed over her out of sheer cowardice was now her husband. She was required to BEAR CHILDREN by this man's seed. Her distress began to take a more active form as her body began to tremble involuntarily.  
Ataru, meanwhile, was rubbing his hands together as he began to plan his "honeymoon" with his new wife. The thought that his girlfriend, or his old wife, may have complaints about this did not occur to him. That's not to say it wouldn't have, but he was distracted from his thoughts when he noticed a ring of heat surrounding him that had nothing to do with the still-blazing cookfire he had started.  
The lecher immediately fell backward onto his back as he realized that he was surrounded by a ring of his female classmates, all of them armed with various blunt objects and looking ready for a lynching.  
"Wh-What?!" He protested defensively, slowly scooting backward. "It's not ME who's forcing her! It's her own laws! My beating her was pure coincidence!"  
"Who cares about THAT?!" Yuka growled.  
Sayuri twitched as she gripped an iron pan with both hands. "You were that blue-haired girl that always hangs around the locker rooms! You were peeping on us the whole time!!"  
Akane hefted her mallet. "I don't know what they're talking about, but if you're getting beat down, there's no way I'm missing out!"  
Ataru blinked as the girls started to advance. "Ooooooh... uh, NO! That wasn't me! It was just a relative! An actual girl! Really!" Knowing that the advancing schoolgirls weren't likely to buy it, Ataru started to scoot backward faster, until he bumped into two pairs of legs that effectively barred his retreat.  
"Darling," Lum said sweetly, as arcs of electricity curled around her arms, "why did you tell all that to this girl? You KNOW you're already married."  
Shinobu grit her teeth as her own battle aura raged noticeably hotter than the other girls'. "Ataru, how could you?! Do you really want to marry that girl?! After she tried to kill you?! I can't believe you!!"  
Ataru gulped as angry females advanced on him from all directions. "I plead the fifth!"  
"That's the American Constitution, not Japan's," Cherry provided helpfully, making sure to stay a safe distance away.  
Ataru grimaced. "I hate you, Cherry..."  
Thwack! Pow! Whack! Wham! ZAAK! Crunch! Smack! Snap! Crack! GA-ZAKK!! Slam! Whap! Thock! Wham! Pow!  
  
Mostly ignoring the beating taking place, Shampoo snatched up her book of Amazon law, sweating as she desperately looked over the section regarding marriage to outsiders.  
'Maybe it doesn't count because he was female when I beat him? No! Great-Grandmother will never accept that as an excuse! Maybe because of the manner of defeat? NO!! That's even flimsier!' She bit her lip as she read over the list of rules. 'There must be some way! Any way! Some loophole, or safeguard! I can't possibly be stuck in a marriage to such a weak, pitiful fool! He's worse than Mousse! At least Mousse can fight!'  
Her hands shaking, her eyes caught a passage near the bottom of the page starting with the word 'if', and she focused all attention upon the few following lines.  
[If, before the marriage is consummated and thus officially accepted, a different outsider male defeats both the engaged Amazon warrior and the original husband in combat, then the Amazon may choose between the two outsiders by whatever means she deems most important.]  
Slap! Shampoo snapped the book closed, and immediately sat down cross-legged, in deep thought. 'Okay! I have to find someone who can beat Ataru and myself! ......... Well, someone who can beat Ataru, at least. I can offer some leeway in my case.' Shampoo was as prideful as Amazons came, but there were worse fates than death AND dishonor.  
The thing was: who could beat Ataru? The boy had all the aggression and grace of a lump of algae, but his dodging ability was beyond comprehension. She suspected even Cologne would have trouble taking the fool down (not that she'd lose, as Shampoo had; she'd be far more likely to get bored and leave). She needed someone fast. Very fast. Someone who was a very good fighter. Someone who would probably have significant knowledge of Ataru's skills, and hopefully even experience attacking him.  
"But who good enough?" Shampoo mused fretfully. "Who know Ataru well, and very strong?"  
"His brother?"  
Startled, Shampoo looked up to see the ugly little monk shrugging. "Just a thought."  
  
Ranma grimaced as he looked at the lynching that was taking place, and opted to evacuate the area before all the accidental and vengeful damage he was taking really started taking its toll. This situation didn't look like it had anywhere to go but down the tubes.  
"Ranma? You leaving?" Hiroshi asked in surprise, as he watched the pigtailed boy walk away from the field, his hands in his pockets.  
Ranma nodded mutely.  
"You're going to leave your brother here?" Daisuke asked in surprise.  
The martial artist glared at them. "And if you were in my shoes, what would YOU do about this mess?"  
"I would have left a long time ago," Hiroshi said immediately.  
"Yeah. I was just surprised it took you so long." Daisuke clarified.  
Shaking his head, Ranma once again started to walk away, and rubbing one of the particularly bad burns on his arm. Geez, those hurt! "I'm getting out of here before something else hits me." He said bitterly.  
THWACK!  
Hiroshi and Daisuke watched, wide-eyed, as a bonbori zipped through the air and smashed into the back of Ranma's head, sending the pigtailed boy flailing into a nearby tree.  
'Poor guy...' 'Just can't catch a break.'  
"Aiyah!" Shampoo shouted in distress, running up to her target. "Why you no dodge?!"  
"If you didn't want it to HIT me..." Ranma growled, slowly prying himself out of the tree, "WHY THE HELL DID YOU THROW THAT THING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!"  
Shampoo sweatdropped as Ranma whirled around to scream at her. Swallowing nervously, and hoping that the pigtailed boy was in good enough condition to fight, the Amazon took a fighting stance and beckoned for him.  
"You mad? Then we fight, yes?"  
Ranma's only response was a blindingly fast left haymaker aimed straight for Shampoo's face.  
The Amazon only had time to squeeze her eyes shut as she glimpsed the blow coming; there was no possible way she could dodge or block, it was just too fast!  
'Yes, this one would be perfect!'  
There was a long pause as she waited for the blow to land. Extremely unusual, considering how shocked she had been at the velocity of the attack, but Shampoo waited patiently nonetheless.  
"......... Yeah, right. Like I'm going to let you trick me into beating you so easily."  
Shampoo's eyes snapped open, and the Amazon blinked in surprise as she beheld Ranma's fist sitting frozen in the air just bare millimeters from her nose.  
Snorting, the pigtailed boy pulled his arm back and turned away. "Who knows what kind of nonsense I'll have to put up with if I beat you now. Forget it."  
Shampoo gulped. "B-But Shampoo want marry strong man! You fight Shampoo, and Shampoo marry you! Is okay?" She smiled hopefully as she spoke, bunching her fists under her chin to look cute.  
Ranma was about to reply with something along the lines of "I'd rather pound a nail into my eye than have anything to do with this", when Ataru suddenly popped up in front of him.  
"OH NO YOU DON'T!! I saw her first! She's mine!" Ataru grit his teeth and spread his arms out, oblivious to Shampoo's horrified look.  
Ranma just smirked and shrugged. "Hey, whatever. Just so long as you keep me out of it."  
Shampoo was close to tears as she shook her head wildly. "NO!! SHAMPOO NEVER MARRY ATARU!!"  
  
Thwack! Pow! Smash! "Hey, Akane?" Yuka asked, panting slightly as she continued to pound away with a broom.  
Thock! Crunch! "What is it?" Akane asked, concentrating on finding the best moments to strike so that her weapon didn't collide with any of the others'.  
"If Ataru's over there yelling at Ranma," Smack! Bam! Pow! "who are we beating right now?"  
Akane frowned, backing away as another round of lightning smashed into the lynch victim.  
"EVERYBODY BREAK!!" The youngest Tendo shouted, spreading her arms off and backing away further.  
They did so, and within moments, the dust cleared from around their unfortunate target.  
Shinobu blinked. "Hey! It's that bandanna guy from before!"  
"Where'd he come from?" Akane asked, sweatdropping. "I didn't even know he was in this chapter."  
"A... Ata... Ataru..." Ryoga groaned, twitching as he experienced a level of pain unlike anything he had ever known, "this is... all... your...... fault..."  
  
Ranma grit his teeth as Shampoo glomped onto his leg.  
"PLEASE!! You fight Shampoo!! Shampoo do anything!! No want marry pervert!! Is fate worse than death!!"  
"Then DON'T MARRY HIM," Ranma growled, shaking his leg to try and get her off, "it's not my laws sayin' you have to! But if you don't, just don't expect me to cover for ya!"  
"C'mon Shamps!" Ataru said happily, hugging the Amazon from behind and trying to pull her off of his twin. "Don't be like that! Think of all the fun we're going to have together!"  
Both Ranma and Shampoo shuddered mightily, and Ranma finally managed to jerk his leg free.  
"Not my problem!" He yelled, turning around and running. "I am SO outta-GYAAAH!!!"  
Everybody in the field (except Ryoga, obviously), turned toward the new source of distress, and was surprised to see a striking woman in leather at the edge of the camp site, staring longingly at the pigtailed boy.  
"K-K-K-Kurama!" Ranma stuttered as he began to back away. "The hell?! I thought we were done with you!"  
The alien princess blinked, her attendant crow men flying about her in chaotic rings. "Why would you think that? We have not yet completed the mating!"  
Ranma slowly sweatdropped as he felt all eyes in the field lock onto him. "I... uh... look, I'm not that kinda guy!"  
Woosh! In a split second after Ranma had spoken, Ataru had dropped Shampoo and glomped onto Kurama. "Don't worry! I'll do the deed! For the sake of the crow-thingy race!"  
Whack! "Unhand me at once, you Neanderthal!"  
  
Turning away from the new conflict, Ranma clasped his hands over his ears and fell to his knees, trying to drown out the noise of violence.  
'Why me?'  
  
"Okay, so let's just make sure everything's all sorted out, here," Cherry said, sitting down as he faced the anxious crowd before him.  
Shampoo and Kurama sat down cross-legged before Cherry, occasionally casting doubtful glances at each other. Behind them sat Ranma and Ataru, with the latter being flanked by an extremely irritated-looking Lum and Shinobu. Akane was off walking near the river, well aware that she would be unable to listen to the whole story without laughing gleefully. Ryoga was nowhere to be found, which was okay because nobody cared. Everyone else formed a semi-circle around the Saotomes and their romantic acquaintances, all facing the diminutive monk.  
Cherry pointed toward Shampoo. "You are, by law, married to Ataru Saotome."  
Shampoo twitched, but slowly nodded.  
"You do not want this marriage, yet it will become finalized and official by all standards that matter in your culture on the occasion of intercourse with the betrothed."  
Shampoo shuddered mightily at the thought, not bothering to nod.  
"The only way you or anybody else can think of to nullify this arrangement is for you to be defeated by another man not of your tribe, and for that man to then defeat Ataru. You would then choose between the two outsider males, correct?"  
Shampoo nodded again, this time with more energy.  
Cherry pointed toward Ranma, who twitched. "The only feasible candidate for defeating you AND getting through Ataru's ridiculously efficient dodge skill is Ranma Saotome, who you would have little to no objection in marrying."  
Shampoo nodded several times, eyes shining hopefully.  
Cherry lowered his hand and bowed toward Ranma. "You are opposed to this. Please explain why."  
Ranma turned his head away sharply. "She wants me to just up and marry her out of the blue! I don't even know her! And all just so that she can legally dump my brother!"  
Cherry nodded as Shampoo slumped. "Fair enough."  
Then he turned toward Kurama.  
"You are required to bear young by the one who granted you the wake-up kiss, correct?"  
Kurama nodded, managing to look perfectly refined and regal despite openly discussing her sexual pursuits.  
"You are not sure which boy granted you the kiss. However, you are sure that Ataru kissed you, whereas Ranma denies it. Furthermore, Ranma has refused to participate in your ultimate goal, correct?"  
Kurama grimaced, but nodded.  
Cherry made eye contact with Ranma again. "Explain, please."  
"I 'aint no breeding stud," Ranma growled, "and I don't like being used."  
Cherry nodded as Kurama deflated. "Again, fair enough I suppose." He turned back toward Kurama. "So with his refusal, that makes Ataru the default candidate, since he was probably the official 'mate' in the first place, correct?"  
The bearded crow on Kurama's shoulder nodded and spoke, even as it seemed the princess was about to protest. "Yes. There isn't precedent for such circumstances, but it's the logical thing to do."  
Cherry closed his eyes and rested his hands in his lap for several long moments.  
Finally, he looked up. "I have considered the matter at hand, and I think that I've come up with the best solution, given the circumstances."  
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Really?" He didn't like the modifier "given the circumstances" one bit. Still, providing an answer and reasonable explanation was more help than the stupid monk had ever provided before.  
Cherry beckoned toward the Saotomes. "Ranma, Ataru, if you would come here, please."  
The two brothers dubiously approached the monk, and then leaned over to listen.  
As they were leaning over, Cherry could calmly place a hand on each brothers' shoulder, and did so. "Ranma, Ataru, I think it would be best if..."  
"If...?" Ataru prompted.  
"If what?" Ranma asked impatiently.  
All around them, the spectators leaned in closer in anticipation.  
"I think it would be best if you two worked this out yourselves."  
CRASH! Everybody in the field hit the ground face-first.  
  
Ranma, naturally, was the first one to get up, and immediately grabbed Cherry by the front of his robes, lifting him up. "What's the deal Melon?! You were supposed to mediate this thing!"  
Cherry clicked his tongue. "And I did. The circumstances are now all out in the open, ready for anyone who has a solution to provide it. And my name is-"  
"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!" Ranma said, shaking the Buddhist mightily, and cutting him off. "Why'd we go through all that if we end up back where we started?!"  
Ataru shrugged. "I don't see what the big problem is." He crossed his arms over his chest, his expression serious. "Ranma has made his decisions. Thus, it falls to me to do my duty to these beautiful, unfortunate women."  
"Our only misfortune was meeting you!" Kurama growled, gripping her giant leaf in her hand.  
"Is right!" Shampoo agreed. "This all Ataru fault!"  
Cherry sighed and held up a hand, forestalling the brewing conflict despite his still being held up in the air. "Everyone, calm down! We won't solve anything this way!"  
Thud! Ranma forcefully shoved the monk into the ground head-first.  
"As if we'll solve anything your way, either!"  
"Actually, I would like to suggest something," Kurama stated calmly, standing up and raising her hand.  
All eyes turned to her.  
"It confuses me greatly," the crow princess mused, rubbing her chin, "that Ranma and Ataru are brothers, fraternal twins in fact, and yet share very little in common, both in terms of physical traits and psychological characteristics."  
Ataru and Ranma stared blankly at her.  
"That means you look and think differently!" Shinobu whispered to them. The boys nodded quickly.  
"I would propose," Kurama continued, idly waving her leaf with one hand, "that I be allowed to conduct an experiment to delve into their minds."  
"Wh-What?" Ataru said, backing up slightly. "Delve into... my mind? No!" He backed up some more. "That's an invasion of my privacy! No way!" The young lecher turned and began to stomp away angrily.  
"_Surprise binding_!"  
"Eh? Gah!" Ataru shouted in surprise as Ranma zipped around him, and struggled helplessly as he found himself suddenly bound hand and foot.  
Ranma grinned, placing his hands on his hips. "Heh. This sounds interesting. Go ahead Kura."  
Kurama began to advance, then jerked to a stop, surprised. 'He... He called me Kura... he has his own nickname for me...'  
"How dare you!" One of the crow men demanded, as his companions began hooking suction cups onto Ataru. "You commoners are to address the princess as 'your highness'!"  
Crunch! Ranma winced as the alien that berated him was squished under one of Kurama's thigh-length boots.  
"Oh-kay... 'your highness' it is."  
The elder crow turned toward his princess. "Your highness, the device is ready."  
"I can't believe you're just going to sit there and let them do this to me!" Ataru complained loudly, glaring accusingly at Ranma.  
He just snorted. "I can't believe you expect me to stop them. Why don't you ask your girlfriends to help you?"  
Ataru turned around. "Shampoo! Help!"  
Whump! Ranma's face hit the dirt with a vengeance.  
"Enough! It begins!"  
  
Kurama swung her leaf and let go, allowing the alien device to float in the air and then stand upright on its stem.  
After a view moments, a portal of white opened up in the middle, and an image began to form that resembled an outline of Ataru's profile. In the middle of it, where the brain was located, the image of an input box such as computer programs used appeared, complete with a blinking, rectangular cursor.  
Spontaneously, the cursor began to move, leaving text in its wake.  
[Ataru Saotome's "To Do" List:]  
[Shampoo]  
[Shinobu]  
[Kurama]  
[Kasumi - Bad Command or File Name]  
[Nabiki]  
[Akane - Violent tendencies rising - Abort, Retry, Fail?]  
[Lum]  
[Hot nurse everyone talks about - Path Not Found]  
[Steal Ranma's cookies]  
[That chick that sits behind me in math]  
[Copyright Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft Corporation and owner of your soul, you miserable cretins]  
  
A large sweatdrop rolled down Kurama's head.  
"These... these thoughts. Nothing but women?" She stared at a particular line curiously. "And cookies?"  
"Ask me if we're surprised," Yuka muttered irritably.  
Standing next to Lum, who was fuming quite openly, Shinobu was shocked still, and holding her hand to her chest. 'I... I was honestly starting to think that I should end this completely. That Ataru really was hopeless, but... on his list of women, I'm second only to Shampoo?' It was pretty insulting, especially when taken with the rest of the long list of women he wanted, but more importantly, it proved that he had been telling the truth when he had promised her all those times that he preferred her over Lum.  
It wasn't what one would call a dignified rationalization, but one has to reason that her standards weren't exactly stellar in the first place.  
  
Ranma walked up to his brother and popped off one of the suction cups.  
"Neat. Guess I'll give it a whirl."  
Shrugging, the crow aliens began the same process of hooking up several suction cups onto the subject.  
Kurama nodded once they were finished. "Now we'll find out exactly how Ranma's mind differs. It may offer critical insight to our... conflict."  
"Or at least it'll provide critical filler until we reach some half-baked non-conclusion," Ataru offered.  
The alien leaf began to form another picture, and everyone waited patiently as black-and-white scenery appeared in the portal.  
It flickered, as if it were an old movie playing on a projector, and the scene moved toward two men in hakama and yukata, with katana at their hips. One had a pouch tied onto his belt, while the other had an obvious-looking pigtail.  
  
"So... does this mean Ranma only thinks in black and white, or what?" Hiroshi asked, scratching his head.  
"SSSH!" Daisuke berated him, before taking a handful of popcorn and stuffing it into his mouth.  
  
Ranma. You don't have to do this. This path you have chosen is hard, and dangerous. You deserve a better life.  
The pigtailed character snorted and moved forward. Don't try to stop me, Ginsei. I have sworn to be the best, to defeat all who get in my way.  
You will die!  
Everybody dies.  
Your death will be painful though. And lonely!  
Ranma snorted again, then laughed bitterly. So my death is to be like my life! How fitting! Now move or I will move you myself!  
The unknown character shook his head. If you insist upon this reckless path, then I must see you destroyed. He shifted into a combat stance.  
Ranma did the same. If that is so, then I shall strike you down as well, and I will grow stronger!  
There is an unnecessarily long pause as the two stand in combat stances. High-pitched harp music punctuated by the loud, annoying sound of wood blocks being slapped together emanate from the background.  
The two suddenly rush at each other, drawing their swords only once the opponent is in range. Ranma makes a critical movement to the right at the last second, and slices Ginsei under the arm as Ginsei's own sword misses by centimeters.  
Ginsei falls. Ranma resheathes his sword.  
Good night, proud warrior. I hope someday to die with such honor as you displayed today.  
Samurai-Ranma walked up to Ginsei's corpse, and took the pouch on his belt before opening it.  
Reaching inside, he took out a single Oreo cookie, and observed it critically.  
Ah, yes! Double Stuf! Excellent!  
The image began to fade as Ranma bit into the cookie, an unusually serious expression still on his face.  
  
The giant leaf shimmered, and then shrank slightly to its dimensions before it had been used as a projector.  
All around the field, there was light applause.  
"Not bad at all."  
"One of the better scripted samurai duels I've seen."  
"Just like a Kurosawa film!"  
Kurama merely stared incredulously at her leaf. "Wh-What... What... What did all THAT mean?"  
Ranma shrugged. "I dunno. Looked about right, though." He ripped off the suction cups attached to his head, then got up and stretched.  
He fought the urge to jump back in surprise as Shampoo suddenly knelt in front of him almost reverently.  
"Ranma! It true! You is great warrior!"  
Ranma blinked. "Well, of course I am! So what?"  
Tears of joy began to stream down Shampoo's face as she clasped her hands together. "For long time, Shampoo wish for true warrior take her! True martial artist, with warrior spirit! Now you come in Shampoo time of need! Is dream come true!"  
Ranma grimaced, and then groaned as Kuramas suddenly stepped up angrily.  
"Hey! Back off, Earthling! You are not the only 'damsel in distress' here!"  
Shampoo glared at her irritably. "You be quiet! You not even know what you see when look at Ranma mind! You leave Ranma alone!"  
Kurama grit her teeth. "I only need him for one night! Wait your turn, pest!"  
Ranma massaged his head. "Ai-yai-yai... just what I need..."  
Before the two women could come to blows, Ranma placed a hand on either one's shoulder, stopping them dead.  
"Now look," he began seriously, "I know we've been in conflict before, but now the situation's different, and I need to respect that." He sighed as the two women stared at him hopefully. "As a martial artist-no, as a civilized human being, I must do all that I'm willing to help you two, even if it conflicts with certain moral principles that I hold dear."  
Shampoo sniffled as she smiled brightly. "Ranma so noble and selfless!"  
Kurama nodded eagerly. "I'll ensure you don't regret this decision!"  
Ranma nodded. "Right. So, despite my own disgust for alcohol, I'm going to strongly recommend that the two of you get good and wasted before night falls with Ataru around. If you're lucky, you won't even remember anything the next day."  
Crack! There was an audible shattering noise, like the breaking of a glass pane, as the two girls' hopes were brutally crushed underfoot.  
Ranma patted them on their respective shoulders. "If I think of any other advice, I'll let you know. Have a nice life."  
He then turned around and began to walk away, only to be confronted by Ataru, who was wiping a tear from his eye in a manner very similar to Shampoo's own.  
Sniff "Bro... I know I don't tell you this often, but... I love you, man."  
"That's great," Ranma deadpanned. "I'm leaving now. I'll see you back home."  
  
Ranma immediately stalked away, quickly given a wide berth by the students that stood between him and the road back to Nerima.  
Unfortunately, one of the non-students wasn't going to let him leave so easily.  
"Do you think it's wise to leave your brother like that?" Cherry asked, managing to keep stride with Ranma despite his painfully shorter legs.  
Ranma groaned and rubbed his head as he walked. "Look, Grapefruit-"  
"It's CHERRY," the monk corrected him, annoyed that Ranma seemed incapable of remembering his name. Was it THAT hard to remember?  
"Whatever," Ranma mumbled, "Ataru's life isn't in danger, and the way I see it, there's no possible way I can interfere in this that wouldn't just end up causing more problems. Besides, if the Amazons and space crows are going to have such stupid laws, then I say let them live with the consequences. It's no skin off my back, and Ataru doesn't have any reason to complain."  
"All true, I suppose," Cherry said, "but I was referring more to the balance I sensed from before, the balance of fate."  
Ranma frowned. "That thing that made Ataru lucky when I was unlucky?"  
The monk nodded. "Precisely. It also works the other way around. If one of you were to, say... 'strike it big', the effects upon the other could be FATAL! Think about it! Leaving that boy in the hands of two women that are legally obligated to be his lovers, and two more yet that are actually enamored with him!"  
Ranma stared at the ugly old man expressionlessly, then turned to look back at the camp site.  
  
"Unhand me, you savage!" Kurama shouted, slapping Ataru away.  
Thock! "You leave Shampoo alone! No want anything do with you!"  
"DARLING!! **I'M** your wife, remember!? _Divine retribution_!" GA-ZACK!  
"Ataru, how could force some girl you don't even know like that?! Are you THAT desperate?!" Smack!  
  
Ranma turned back around, and then his eye caught something on the ground.  
"I think I'll survive," he reasoned, picking up the 1,000 yen note. "And hopefully, Ataru will too."  
"I suppose, but-" Punt!  
Whistling to himself as the pesky monk sailed off into the distance, Ranma began to walk home once more. Things were finally looking up!  
  
End Chapter 5 


	6. Smoke and Mirrors

(The scene opens to the image of Ataru sitting behind a large, curved desk, wearing a formal business suit and tie. Next to him sits Sakura, also formally dressed, and edging as close as she can to the outer rim of the camera shot to put distance between her and Ataru.)  
"And we're back to JNN, your news at whenever the heck you happen to read this," Ataru picked up the stack of papers in front of him and then tapped the bottom edge of the stack against the desk to straighten the pile, careless or ignorant of the fact that he was holding a stack of perfectly blank Xerox paper. "Our top story tonight: WAR!"  
Sakura took over, turning to one side slightly as she kept her eyes locked on the prompter. "A recent surge of unrest in the Spamville sections of has led to military action by the forum Brotherhood of G.R.O.S.S., or Get Rid Of Slimy Succubi, a violent splinter faction that opposes forum admin Josh Temple and his relentless crusade to make Ranma Saotome a Sailor Senshi. Conflict has already broken out amongst the various threads, and mass warfare seems unavoidable."  
A small diagram appeared next to Ataru, showing an outline of a human head with a black spot inside the skull.  
"Experts suggest that anyone who didn't see this coming a mile away might not have any brains at all!" Ataru said authoritatively, gesturing to the diagram.  
"And now, to get a better perspective on the conflict, we turn to our embedded reporter and senior combat analyst, Ranma Saotome," Sakura said, gesturing to the side.

A fuzzy, static-filled image appeared next to Sakura, and the image slowly cleared to reveal Ranma standing in front of a scarred landscape covered in craters and smoke-filled trenches. Manning the trenches behind him, instead of actual soldiers, were animate, chibi-sized plushie versions of Space Marines and Stormtroopers firing off-screen.  
Sakura grimaced. "It looks pretty bad out there, Saotome. Is there any end in sight?"  
Ranma shrugged. "For all I can tell, both sides still command endless waves of reinforcements, and it doesn't look like this battle is going to end until the corpses and stuffing pile up high enough that neither side can fire at each other. But even that will be a temporary peace, I'm afraid. For both armies, there is only one acceptable outcome: a complete and crushing victory."  
Ranma gestured out to the trenches. "But this is just the rear lines. At the front the fighting has reached a point of massacre as Final Fantasy Tactics units are roasted alive by the dozen from Black Dragon's special unit plushies, ranging in form from Lina Inverse to Iori Yagami, to a dozen different magic-wielding versions of me from a variety of dead fanfics."  
Sakura was about to ask another question, when Ataru suddenly leaned over toward the picture.  
"Whoa, wait! Aren't the FFT units part of Stratagemini's army? One of the Spammaster Generals of the Brotherhood? That's on the same side as the plushie army of the Lord of Chaos?" Ataru asked, causing Sakura to look thoughtful.  
"Well... yeah." Ranma admitted. "Funny story, actually. You see, everybody on Josh's side is either already dead, refuses to fight, or are such dirty God-moders that they're no fun to battle with. The actual war lasted about six minutes, including coffee breaks." Ranma scratched the back of his head. "And, well, the armies didn't want their budget to get cut next year, so they've started killing each other now."  
Sakura sweatdropped. "I see. Thank you, Ranma. Stay safe out there."

The box disappeared, and a smaller one appeared in its place, portraying a small tropical island with a volcano in the middle. Sakura cleared her throat.  
"Overlord and Brotherhood General Black Dragon, Lord of Chaos continues to reside in his deserted island laboratory fortress, occasionally overseeing the war, but mostly playing Phantom Brave and drinking soda pop. To aid him in his quest for cyberspacial domination he has trained the island's indigenous giant sand crabs to heed his commands as his loyal slaves. Also in preparation of the war, Black Dragon is said to have constructed a complex network of orbital ion cannon satellites, which has been summarily rendered useless by the unforeseen complications of getting giant crabs to effectively use complicated electronics for aiming such weapons."  
There was a slight rumbling sound in the background, and Ataru and Sakura blinked as everything shook slightly.  
Ataru suddenly pressed a hand to his ear and concentrated. "I have just been informed that Wyoming has been completely destroyed by a series of devastating energy beams from space!"  
Ataru once again stopped, his hand still pressed against his ear. "This just in! The Bush Administration has organized for a public poll to determine whether the President should take credit for the orbital assault or blame it on Bill Clinton!"  
Once again, Ataru stopped and concentrated, his hand not having moved. "Breaking news! I have just been informed that there is no transmitter in my ear!"  
"MOVING ON," Sakura said firmly, "we've managed to send our own reporter, Lum, to interview one of the Brotherhood generals behind this pointless slaughter that they have initiated. She's managed to get this exclusive interview with Jester "Himitsu" Xellos, which we're now broadcasting live."

Yet another box opened up on the screen, showing Lum with her back to the camera, wearing a tiger-striped business suit. Sitting across from her was a Xellos avatar with the standard costume fare, plus a large sword at his hip. He was also eating a soft-serve ice cream cone, which looked horribly out of place among the piles of sand, dark machinery, and the occasional giant crustacean guard.  
"So what are you doing to bring a swift end to the war, Mr. Himitsu? Surely as one of the senior Brotherhood commanders you must have a plan."  
The mazoku looked at Lum as if she was crazy.  
"Why would I want to bring an end to the war? It's just getting interesting!"  
Lum frowned. "Aren't you concerned about mounting Brotherhood casualties in the face of little to no tangible gain?"  
"Nah."  
Lum sweatdropped.  
Himitsu rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on. Half the army is composed of dolls. What do we care if they're torn apart by the hundreds?"  
"What about the other half?" Lum asked.  
"Those guys demand wages. We WANT them dead."  
Lum sighed. "At least tell me you have a plan for winning the war eventually."  
"Of course I have a plan," Himitsu said condescendingly, before going back to eating his ice cream.  
"... Well!" Lum finally shouted impatiently, not getting any answer from the mysterious priest.  
"Well what?" Himitsu said in confusion.  
"What's your plan!" She said through clenched teeth.  
"You want to know the details of my plan?"  
"YES, PLEASE," Lum said, only slightly calmer than she was a moment ago.  
Himitsu leaned forward closer to the Oni reporter. "My plan is..."  
Lum leaned forward as well.  
"A secret!" Himitsu said as he grinned, surprising absolutely no one.  
Lum sweatdropped. "How can you run a war when you won't tell anyone your plans?"  
"Practice!" The annoying mazoku said, wagging his finger at her as he finished off his ice scream. Then he stood up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have to cut this short. It's my turn to stop Stratagemini from casting Ice 9 and freezing the entire universe."

Ataru turned away from the display as it disappeared. "And there you have it! Next up: President Bush claims to have destroyed Wyoming for the good of the nation; approval rating nearing 100! We'll be right back after a few words from our sponsor!"

Takahashi Soup  
by Black Dragon

Holy legal ramifications, Batman! Ranma 1/2 AND Urusei Yatsura are both owned by Rumiko Takahashi!

Chapter 6  
Smoke and Mirrors

Kurama grumbled irritably as she alighted on the roof of the Tendo Dojo, her body poorly protected from the night chill by a long, dark purple terry cloth bathrobe.  
While she despised her current situation, she held her peace with the crow men around her; her servants that were assisting her with this mission. However uncomfortable and demeaning her current situation was, she wasn't so lost in her pride that she missed the desperation of her scenario.  
'But still! The thought of ME, Princess Kurama, sneaking into a man's room at night to **seduce** him! I would have struck any who might have suggested such a thing to me before!'  
Kurama reigned in her anger. This was for a greater purpose. A matter of supreme importance, upon which the future of her race rested.  
She had to get Ranma Saotome to knock her up, before she got desperate enough to go to his vile slimeball of a brother.  
It had taken some time for research, but she had learned that the people of Earth treated reproductive acts very differently than her own people, which had gone a long way toward explaining her current difficulties.  
It still confused her, of course. Some people insisted that copulation was an act of intimate bonding between two individuals who wished to spend a lifetime together. Others viewed it as a recreational activity, with successful reproduction being treated as an unfortunate consequence. And a relatively small portion preferred mates of the same sex, despite the obvious limitations in producing offspring.  
She knew where Ataru fit on that scale, but her target, his rather disgruntled fraternal twin, was more of a mystery in this area. Did he believe he had to marry her in order to share her bed? Or did he fear that she would get pregnant, just as she was trying to do? Or did he prefer an entirely different kind of mate?  
She pushed such thoughts to the back of her mind as her minions returned. 'His preferences are irrelevant! He can't resist me for long! Men are men, after all, no matter what the exact species.'  
"That's his room, all right," the first alien said as he wiped some sweat off of his brow.  
"We got the window open for you. Do you need anything else? You know, rope, toys, magazines, 'instructional' videos-"  
"I will be needing nothing of the sort," Kurama said sharply. "You two remain out here and keep watch for intruders until I return! Under no circumstances are you to enter the window, or allow anyone else to!"  
The two crow men saluted to their princess and turned around to begin patrolling the roof...  
Thonk!  
And immediately ran into each other. Each one fell back onto his rear, stunned.  
"Hopefully, any intruders will have the courtesy to knock first," Kurama muttered, sweatdropping.

Without wasting further time on her incompetent escorts, Kurama grabbed the edge of the roof and swung herself down onto the windowsill, alighting upon the narrow perch with the grace and agility of one who shared an avian lineage.  
She peered into the room as she quietly entered, her keen vision still sharply limited in the pitch black of night. The first thing she noticed was that there was some manner of large, furry beast sleeping near the window. She could make out patches of white fur in the darkness, but overall couldn't imagine what kind of animal of that size a human household would keep as a pet. She also wondered why they let such a rotund, hefty beast sleep indoors, and even use a futon and blanket.  
Kurama quickly discarded her questions; some pet sleeping nearby was of no concern to her, ultimately, and she had no time for idle curiosities in such a serious and delicate situation. She resumed scanning the room for her destined lover.  
The second thing she noticed was that there was a humanoid shape already poised above the only other futon in the room. A shape she recognized. Kurama grit her teeth.  
"You!" She hissed, "Get away from him, you barbarian!"  
Shampoo immediately darted backward away from her prey, her heart leaping up into her throat. She was quite unused to being taken by surprise, and the only reason she had missed the crow princess's entrance was because she had been nervously concentrating on her current mission.  
Kurama could guess easily enough what the Amazon's mission was, as the girl was unarmed and in fact completely naked, her purple floral-pattern Chinese dress laying on the floor near the window.  
"You crow woman from before! What you want?" Shampoo said quietly, her eyes narrowing. It was extremely unfortunate for the woman to show up now, when she had just pushed herself to go through with her plan. Not that Shampoo was unfamiliar or uncomfortable with showing physical affection, but by her tribe's laws, she was a married woman, and seducing another man was strictly forbidden for one already under the oath of the Kiss of Marriage (even if it hadn't technically been given yet).  
"Nevermind me! What do you think you're doing? Begone, you tramp! Away!"  
The Amazon's eyes narrowed. Kurama was wearing what looked like a bath robe on the outside, but at some point during the alien's entry the belt had come undone, revealing an erotic set of black, lacy lingerie that barely managed to look any more indecent than her normal skimpy attire.  
"What you talking? You here take Ranma for self, same as Shampoo!"  
"I am here to secure the future of my race, not indulge in petty lust!" Kurama said haughtily. "Now I will demand that you remove yourself and leave once more before I punish your insolence!"  
Shampoo glared at the alien princess, and stood up before falling back into a fighting stance, her breasts bouncing freely with the sharp movements. "You want fight? You regret challenge Amazon warrior!"  
"I'll beat you so senseless you won't retain the clarity of mind to have regrets!" Kurama growled, somehow producing her giant leaf weapon from behind her back.  
Groan  
Both women stopped and blinked as the figure in the futon they had been fighting over began to move, and they sweatdropped as a the figure's head slowly rose from underneath the blanket.  
"Wha's all da noise 'bout?" Ataru mumbled, not used to waking up to such minor disturbances as people talking too loudly (usually he was forced awake by an attack upon his person, or a fight happening over him, or a bomb going off nearby, or a fire, etc.).  
His eyes immediately snapped open and his mind snapped to attention as he took in the sight of one shapely naked girl squaring off against an exotic scantily-clad girl. "Whoa. This is WAY better than the last dream."  
Shampoo and Kurama twitched, and small beads of sweat began to collect on their foreheads.  
On a whim, Ataru sat up and pinched himself on the arm.  
"Ow! That hurt!" Clutching his arm, the lecher took a moment to organize his thoughts.  
'Gorgeous women in bedroom + pain dream come true, not dream.'  
Both Shampoo and Kurama felt chills run down their spines as Ataru spontaneously clapped his hands together and looked up reverently toward the ceiling. "Thank you, God!"  
Without further ceremony, Ataru lunged.

Kasumi hummed to herself as she labored over breakfast, occasionally letting loose a light, feminine yawn that told of her lack of sleep the previous night. Not that it had affected her that much, as the chaos had been very brief, and Kasumi was getting used to loud, violent disturbances in the dead of night. Besides that, she didn't have many things to do today, and could easily find time to take a nap.  
Nabiki was not so blessed, nor was she so tolerant to disruptions in the middle of the night. She sat down at the dining room table a bitter and largely disheveled mess, with her hair sloppily combed and her eyelids drooping.  
Genma and Soun, predictably, were fine. Not because they were more collected or hardier than everyone else, of course, but because their difficult wilderness training had enabled them to sleep through ANYTHING that wasn't a direct threat to their lives.  
Akane was angry, as usual.  
Lum was present, but as she had spent the night in her flying saucer as usual, didn't know why Nabiki was so out of sorts (she didn't really bother trying to figure out why Akane was upset).  
Ranma was nowhere to be found, a fact idly noted by Ataru as he skipped happily down the stairs toward breakfast.  
"Morning!" He said cheerfully, dropping down in-between his alien fiancee and his irritated human fiancee.  
Everyone stared. Ataru looked like he was at his most cheerful, but he had multiple red handprints on his face, a black eye, and tissue crammed in his nose that was halfway red with absorbed blood.  
Before anybody could ask any questions, two more guests came downstairs. Shampoo, looking ashamed and downtrodden in a rumpled, tight-fitting Chinese dress, and Kurama, looking furious and bitter, wearing a bathrobe that had been tied closed VERY tightly.  
"Good morning! I didn't realize we had guests!" Kasumi said brightly, setting out the first serving plate and the tea. She was almost bowled over as Genma, who was still in panda form, suddenly leapt through the doorway and made a mad sprint for the front door, leaving behind a very confused Soun and Nabiki.  
Lum twitched as she recognized the two newcomers. "What are **you** doing here!" She growled, flexing her fingers sharply as she prepared to let loose lightning. If past circumstances were any indication, those two had beaten her beloved, and even if he probably deserved it, she wasn't one to start off her day tolerant and merciful.  
Shampoo snorted and looked away, though the way her eyes moved and lingered on certain spots would have told a careful observer that she was looking for something, rather than just avoiding eye contact with the space demon.  
No one needed to be a careful observer to figure out Kurama's intentions. "Where is he? Where is Ranma?" The crow princess demanded, crossing her arms under her breasts.  
"How about telling us who you are before asking questions?" Nabiki said sourly. She didn't recognize either of these women, and she hated being out of the loop as much as she hated being startled awake at three o'clock in the morning.  
"The purple-haired girl is Shampoo, some Amazon floozy from China. She's supposed to marry Ataru and wants Ranma to help her get out of it," Akane said off-handedly, pausing to take a bite of her eggs. "The girl with the wings on her head is Kurama, some alien princess who's supposed to sleep with Ataru, but wants Ranma instead."  
Akane lowered her chopsticks again to take another bite of her omelete, then frowned as she realized that it had disappeared. 'Huh? I know I didn't eat the whole thing...'  
"ATARU!" Sound suddenly roared, slamming his hands down onto the table. "So now you show your true colors! Cavorting around with other women when you have obligations here!"  
Everyone else at the table sweatdropped, including Ataru himself.  
"'**Now**' he shows his true colors?" Nabiki said dryly. "Daddy, you're crossing the finish line after the race is long over."  
"I care not of the affairs of this one," Kurama spat, gesturing dismissively toward Ataru.  
"That's not what you said laaaaaast niiiiiiight!" Ataru sang brightly.  
"Yes. It was more to the effect of 'Get your hands off me' and 'I'll kill you'." Nabiki muttered. Then she frowned as she realized her miso soup was missing.  
"Tell me where Ranma is!" Kurama demanded again.  
Ataru shrugged. "Who knows? When he doesn't wanna be found, you don't find him."  
"Why he not in room?" Shampoo asked, looking at the lecher suspiciously. "That where Ranma sleep most time, yes?"  
Ataru just grinned. "C'mon Sham-chan! Forget about him! Can't you tell he's just not interested?"  
"Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black," Lum said bitterly, reaching for her tea... only to find that it wasn't where she left it.  
"This isn't over!" Kurama swore, "I won't give up so easily!" She turned and stalked toward the door in a huff.  
"Hmph. Shampoo die before give self to Ataru! Shampoo be back!" Ignoring a blown kiss from Ataru, she turned and stalked out behind Kurama.

"Well, than why don't you do us all a favor and do just that?" Lum said after Shampoo was out of earshot, sticking her tongue out toward the door where her sort-of rivals had left.  
"Showing some restraint are we, waiting until they'd already left?" Nabiki asked, raising an eyebrow.  
Lum frowned. "As long as they're not trying to steal darling from me, I don't have to fight them. Not that they really deserve to get off easy, since they were stupid enough to get engaged to him." She wasn't about to admit to anyone that she wasn't completely confident in her ability to beat the young Amazon.  
"What was the term you used?" Ataru said conversationally, unable to resist the opportunity, "'Pot to kettle', or something like that?"  
Zak! Zak! Zak!

Kasumi entered a moment later, carrying more plates of food. "Oh, they've left already? I'd just made some extra helpings!"  
"It's all right, Kasumi," Soun said distractedly, scratching his head as he looked around the table. "I'll have it. I seem to have misplaced my own food, somehow."  
"Me-Ooh!-too!" Ataru said weakly, raising a charred hand from where he was laying face-down on the table.  
Unnoticed by everyone else, Genma poked his furry head back into the room, took some time to look about, and then slowly crept back to his now-empty breakfast plate at the table.  
"We don't have time for more food," Akane said regretfully, brushing herself off as she stood up, "we have to go or we'll be late for school."  
"Another meal lost to the cruel institution of learning," Ataru said, sighing dramatically as he stood up to follow Akane out the door.  
"Wait darling! Let me come with you!" Ataru stopped and shuddered as a chill ran through his body.  
"Not a chance!" The lecher shouted.

Behind the group of teenagers preparing to leave, Genma and Soun blinked as Ranma suddenly rolled out from under the dining room table, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

"But you spend all your time there, and I'm always bored when you're not around!" Lum complained, earning sympathy from absolutely nobody.

Ranma stood up and stretched, wincing slightly at the popping of joints. Then he calmly walked up behind Lum.

"I don't care if you're bored!" Ataru said irritably. "Even if we WERE married, it wouldn't mean that I have to spend every waking - oh, hi Ranma."  
Whp-whp-whp! Knch Lum blinked in surprise as she suddenly felt lengths of rope tighten around her, and shouted as she tried to jump away, only to trip and fall over her bound legs.  
"HEY! STOP DOING THAT!" The demon princess demanded, falling flat on her face.  
Ranma yawned and picked up his backpack from the corner of the room. "I'll stop tying you up when you stop being such a nuisance," he mumbled, stepping out the door with Ataru in tow.  
"Bye Pop! Bye Lum! See ya later!"

Ataru sat on his desk as he scarfed down his lunch, facing his brother, who was laying back with his legs resting over the top of his own desk.  
"So it's not that I'm Chomp! ungrateful, 'cause I do Gulp! appreciate it, but why ARE you passing up Sham-chan and Kura-chan, anyway? Chomp! I mean, Crunch! hell, Kura aint even asking you to marry her, Gulp! you just have to spend one night with her, and never see 'er again!"  
Several girls who had nothing better to do than listen in on conversations that didn't concern them stopped paying attention in order to quickly agree on how disgusting a person Ataru was.  
Ranma just rolled his eyes, mildly irritated that Ataru was bugging him when he was trying to sleep. "I don't expect YOU to understand, but those of us who don't always think with what's between our legs aren't looking for an easy girl with a great body for a girlfriend."  
Staunch mutterings of approval and praise came from the peanut gallery behind the two brothers.  
"Besides, if you can manage to look PAST their breasts, you might notice that the two of them are pure trouble," Ranma continued condescendingly, "a guy like me wouldn't have anything to do with the weirdos you're always attracting."

"Yahoo!" "What a body!" "Sa-weet-oh!" The chorus of cheers and wolf whistles came from the corner of the classroom, where one teenage boy with glasses was showing off a large binder full of pictures. Ranma could just make out Lum's image on the picture he could glance.  
"Oh, Lum! You're a goddess! A GODDESS!"  
"I pledge my everlasting love to you!"  
"We love you, Lum!"

Ranma's left eyebrow twitched. "We're an increasingly rare breed," he mumbled as an afterthought.  
"Another fine specimen lost in the undercurrents of civilization," Ataru said dramatically, wiping a fake tear from his eye. Then he brightened. "Hey, do you ever wonder how come we're so different when we're brothers?"  
Ranma twitched again. "Every. Freaking. Day."  
"All right class, take your seats please," the old, withered woman who taught their history class mumbled as she shambled behind the main desk in front.  
Ataru slid back into his seat and took out his notebook, eager to begin the task of pretending to take notes while writing a letter to Shinobu asking for a date that evening. A priority, he reminded himself, which may have to be set back if he ran into Shampoo or Kurama (dating priority was directly determined by cup size, in descending order of course).  
"Oh, I almost forgot," the history teacher said, pushing her glasses up higher on her nose. "Mr. Ataru Saotome, you're to head to the nurse's office immediately."  
Ataru blinked as he was suddenly subjected to several questioning gazes. "Huh? Me? But I'm fine! Why do they want to see me?"  
The history teacher shrugged. "They didn't say, but they did mention it was urgent. Please hurry."  
Still confused, but not one to refuse an opportunity to get out of class early, Ataru scooted out of his seat and left the classroom.  
Ranma frowned as he tapped his pen on the edge of his desk. Why had Ataru been called into the nurse's office when there was nothing apparently wrong with him? Heck, by the time he had gotten to school the burns Lum had caused had healed to nothing, and Ataru had managed to stay quiet enough that he hadn't incurred any additional beatings before class started.  
'Could it be a family problem?' Ranma thought worriedly, scratching his cheek. 'But if it was, why was Ataru called and not me?' Besides the fact that Ranma had just as much right to know such things as his brother, he was also the more likely to actually care.  
Really, the most likely scenario seemed to be that Ataru had managed to get himself into the latest of the long series of huge messes that made up his life.  
'In which case I should still be there to cover his lazy butt,' Ranma thought, sighing. 'I hate my life.'

Ataru hummed to himself as he strolled through the hall, noting that it was empty of the usual loiterers and deadbeats that made up a significant part of Furinkan's student body. Usually there were small crowds of boys in sports gear dragging their battered bodies to the office, or smaller groups of boys and girls who were ditching class and discussing what they should do with their free time.  
Were he more observant or sensitive to danger, the difference would have set him on edge. Despite having roughly 30 of the entire nation's martial artist population, Nerima wasn't a place well-known for discipline, and among the ramshackle neighborhoods rife with disorder and fighting, Furinkan was still one of the worst schools in terms of disorder and fighting. This was evident by the fact that several of the students got away with not wearing the school uniform, cutting classes for duels, constant violent disruptions, the destruction of school property through the use of other people's heads, and the occasional demolition of every single building on the campus. Even the vice principle, before he had resigned, only took any kind of action when the student's misbehavior affected him directly, as he had deemed the school reputation a lost cause long ago.  
That being said, whatever had scared off the numerous delinquents had to be a frightful, terrible thing indeed. Not that Ataru cared, or thought to care, at least.

Opening the door to the nurse's office, Ataru was pleasantly surprised to see a beautiful woman in a white mini-skirt sitting in a chair at the opposite end of the room. She had a curvy, well-endowed figure, and long, raven-black hair that flowed down behind her shoulders wildly, as if unwilling to be tamed by comb or brush.  
The young lecher was already salivating as he stood at attention and gave the woman a mock salute. "Ataru Moroboshi reporting, Ma'am!" 'Oh God, I hope she wants to do a complete physical...' Erotic ideas about various 'examinations' she could do danced through his head.  
Sakura looked at the grinning teenager distastefully, but straightened and stood up, which she noticed elicited an even more obvious reaction as her breasts jumped slightly from the movement.  
She often wondered what had possessed her to take a job treating adolescent boys when she generated such difficulties with teenage hormones, and didn't have the patience to tolerate it. Perhaps some subconscious desire to see the younger generations through to their graduation, strong and healthy?  
Sakura snorted, which at least managed to bring Ataru's attention back to her face. More likely she was being punished for offenses in a past life.  
"I take it you don't know why you're here?" The nurse asked, pacing back and forth in front of him across the width of the office.  
"Not really, but I can guess!" Ataru said, leering at her.  
"You're here to be exorcised!" Sakura announced, stopping in the middle of the room and stamping her foot down.  
"I guessed wrong," the lecher murmured. "Wait... exorcised? Of what?"  
"Of the dark spirit that tortures you, boy!" A grating old voice said, causing Ataru to jump over seven feet across the room and wrap himself bodily around Sakura.  
"GWAAAH! CHERRY!" Ataru shouted, ignoring Sakura as she shouted and tried to pry him off.  
The diminutive monk nodded from where he was sitting cross-legged on the supply cabinet. "Every action influenced by the dark rage of lust inside this one. Most unfortunate. Maybe two ceremonies are warranted."  
"I'm afraid we have to charge for a second exorcism," a third voice said, walking through one of the curtains cordoning off a small bed. "Only the first one is free."  
Ataru's eyes bugged out. Standing below Cherry was a person, probably a woman from the sound of her voice, who looked exactly like Cherry in every way, save that she had a mass of curly black hair atop her head.  
"Surely you can do such a wretched soul a favor?" Cherry asked the old woman. "The boy obviously doesn't have Yen to spare on decent clothes, never mind your exorbitant rates."  
The old woman clicked her tongue. "I don't think so! We're not a charity, you know!"  
Cherry sweatdropped. "But... you run a Shinto temple..."  
"Wh-Wh-What is all this!" Ataru shouted, still clinging to Sakura, who had started simply bashing him again and again on the head to try and get him off.  
"Oof! Would. You. Get. OFF ME!" Sakura shouted through clenched teeth.  
"Who the hell is she!" Ataru shouted, pointing a shaking finger at the Cherry clone.  
"That's my - urgh! - mother! And the ugly old man is my uncle!" Sakura growled, trying to wedge her elbow in-between Ataru's head and her chest.  
Cherry look reasonably miffed at the casual insult, but didn't get a chance to express his displeasure before Ataru shouted "WHAT! You're related to that senile old pest! Get away from me!"  
Sakura sweatdropped and glared at the boy. "I've been TRYING to do just that, idiot!"  
"Hmmm... point taken," Ataru muttered, still clinging to her body. On the one hand, he was scared spitless about the possibility of Cherry taking an active role in trying to help him; no doubt the irritating old freak and his sister were what had scared away the regular slackers that hung around the nurse's office. On the other hand, he had already managed a barnacle-like grip on a hot babe's torso. That wasn't the kind of thing he gave up easily.  
"Anyway," Cherry began, hopping down from the cabinet, "we should leave immediately for the temple. The sooner we finish this, the sooner I can take a lunch break."  
"NO!" Ataru shouted, surprising everyone else in the room. "Forget it! I'm not going with you so you can screw with my soul with your crazy rituals! Count me out!"  
"You're delirious!" Cherry said sadly, shaking his head. "The evil spirit within you cries out for survival! How can you not want to be rid of it?"  
"I've never seen you do ANYTHING that hasn't made things worse!" Ataru shouted angrily. "Whatever it is you wanna exorcise, I'll gladly live with it rather than go with you!"  
"Hmph! A stubborn one, eh?" The strange little Cherry-like person stalked forward, her arms crossed over her chest. "With those features, I doubt you'll survive long otherwise! No, it's an exorcism for you, young man! This is for your own good!"  
"NO! NEVER!" Ataru shouted defiantly. "You'll never take me alive!"  
Sakura twitched. "We will if you don't let go of me."  
Ataru frowned as Cherry and the Cherry look-alike advanced. "Another good point... HELP! HELP ME! SOMEBO-OW! Ah! Argh! Stop! Ouch! Not in the face! Not in the face!"

"I just think you're overreacting a little bit, Ranma," Shinobu said gently, trying to reassure the obviously agitated young man. "Ataru can last an hour on his own without needing to be rescued or anything. It's at two hours that we should start to worry."  
Ranma nodded reluctantly as Shinobu followed him through the halls. "You're right, but... I just can't help feeling that there's something wrong. And I'm pretty good with my instincts."  
"When it comes to finding food," Akane said snidely, following Shinobu. "Shinobu's right. And even if she's not, who cares?"  
Ranma and Shinobu glared at her momentarily.  
"Why do you always have to pick on him?" Shinobu said sternly. "Ataru may be a pervert, but he's a guy! They're all a little perverted!" She stopped momentarily to turn her head toward Ranma. "Present company excluded, of course."  
"Of course," the pigtailed boy mumbled, rolling his eyes.  
"Anyway, you can't condemn everyone for not being perfect! It's not fair!" Shinobu finished hotly, her arms crossed over her chest.  
Neither Ranma nor Akane decided to point out the various flaws and failings that made Ataru a significantly worse person, and indeed, human being in general, than the average lecherous teenage boy. Ranma, because he was on Shinobu's side and didn't want to undermine her point, and Akane, because her study period only lasted an hour and a half.  
"Whatever. I have more important things to do than worry about that idiot. Later," Akane turned around and left her classmates in the hall, ignorant or unmindful of the glares that were attempting to burn holes into her back.

Shinobu decided to forget about Akane for now. "Come on, Ranma, let's just go to math class. Ataru will be fine."  
Ranma shook his head again, causing his companion to sigh in exasperation. "No. There's something wrong. I just... I just have... this FEELING."  
Shinobu frowned. "Not this again... Ranma, we can't be late for class AGAIN because you have 'this feeling'."  
"Waugh!" As soon as Shinobu had finished the sentence, a classmate tripped while walking past Ranma, almost falling flat on his face.  
So sudden and surprising was the young man's tumble, that he didn't notice that a fifty-yen coin had dropped out of his pocket at Ranma's feet before he picked himself and quickly moved along to try and preserve his dignity.  
Ranma looked down at the coin, picked it up, and put it in his own pocket. "Good enough?"  
Shinobu looked tense as she weighed her options. She really didn't want to be late for her math class again, as it was already her worst subject, but she couldn't stand by and do nothing when all signs pointed toward Ataru being in danger AGAIN. If only there was some way to be sure he was in trouble...  
Ranma coughed into his fist to get her attention. "He was sent to the nurse's office, you know. Personally, I've never been there, but I hear the nurse is a real babe. So much that a lot of the guys injure themselves intentionally to get to see her."  
"Let's go," the schoolgirl said dangerously, an aura already burning around her.

"You know, I really would like to know what it's like to go a full week without being subjected to some kind of stupid magic," Ataru complained, sitting in the middle of the shrine room while tied up in special rope with wards hanging off of it.  
"I doubt you'd know what to do with the free time," Cherry commented, sitting off to the side.  
Ataru glared at the ugly old man. "Why can't you just leave me alone! Can't you see you're just making things worse!"  
"Nonsense," Cherry said, putting his hands together and bowing before the large Buddha statue off to the side, "While my assistance hasn't been unable to completely stave off the disaster you are fated to bear-"  
"'Completely'? Feh."  
Cherry ignored the jibe. "-My faith demands that I continue to lend you my aid in whatever way that I might be able to help."  
"Well, you could start by UNTYING THESE ROPES AND LETTING ME OUT OF HERE!" Ataru screamed, not even making the old monk flinch.  
"You'll thank us when it's all over," Cherry said confidently, his head still bowed in prayer.

Shoop  
Ataru's head jerked around as Sakura entered the room, clad in ceremonial robes typical of a shrine priestess.  
"Ah, good. Everything is ready then?" The priestess said as she pulled back the sleeves to her robes.  
Her mother grinned. "I told you those ropes would hold! But it won't be easy; that's a mighty powerful aura possessing him!"  
"Would you people give it a rest! Let me go!" Ataru shouted, to no avail.  
Sakura snorted and put on a headband that had two candles on each side. Then she lit the candles. "To this day, there has never been an evil spirit that I have been unable to exorcise. This will take but a moment."  
The shrine priestess picked up her Shinto wand, and then cleared her throat. Cherry and her mother immediately moved away, and squatted down on the side of the room to watch.  
"Just for the record, this is **not** going to go well," Ataru said decisively. He was, naturally, ignored.  
Clasping her hands together tightly, Sakura began to speak softly up toward the ceiling while her eyes were squeezed shut, as if beseeching some presence beyond the room.  
"Great spirits, dwelling within the deepest corners of the human soul, purify! Cleanse! Purge!"  
She then waved her wand about in the shape of a pentagram, ending by thrusting the wand through the middle, directly at Ataru.  
There was a pregnant pause as nothing happened.  
Sakura let her hand fall, then scratched her head.  
Finally, she looked up and squeezed her eyes shut once again. "Please?"  
Shee-OOM! A bright light suddenly engulfed Ataru, who swallowed nervously as tendrils of spiritual power writhed upward past his body and slowly coalesced into a coherent shape directly above his head.  
"YES! Success!" Sakura shouted, pointing her wand at the light, which slowly gathered to form a sphere, then darkened significantly as its coloring became apparent.  
Sakura blinked as a shiny black bowling ball suddenly manifested in the air before her.  
Wham! Then she winced as the ball fell victim to the cruel whim of gravity, which brought it crashing down on Ataru's head.  
"Huh." Sakura chewed on her lip as she tapped the wand idly against her side. "Odd. That's never happened before. Ataru, are you all right?"  
"Skull... cracked... brains... leaking out... Michael Moore... is my friend... his movies... film masterpieces..."  
Cherry clicked his tongue. "Looks like you'll still have work to do even after you exorcise him."  
"Why do **I** have to take care of him after this?" Sakura demanded indignantly. "After all, I'm cleansing his soul for free!"  
Her mother wagged a finger at her. "Now dear, you're a registered nurse. And it's a shrine priestess's duty to repair any ill effect caused by her mystical powers."  
Sakura grumbled irritably, but didn't attempt to make further protest. She certainly didn't want to spend any more time in the presence of the (literally) damned pervert, but it was her responsibility. "Still, such an odd response... the evil spirit within him must be rallying its strength to resist the exorcism!"  
"Then... why isn't it... attacking YOU?" Ataru said weakly, having gained back some marginal amount of sense to get his thoughts in order.  
Sakura smirked. "The spirit has no power over me, and were it to emerge to defend itself, it must know it would be struck down with ease."  
Cherry nodded. "Of course. So it has little recourse but to punish its host, hoping to dredge up sympathy from the exorcist, or force the host to flee in fear of further retribution."  
Sakura smiled, and Ataru felt his blood run cold, which was a significant difference from his expected reaction when dealing with such beauty.  
"You have nothing to worry about. We're professionals; we won't cave in so easily. You're not leaving until that evil spirit is good and gone!"  
Ataru immediately felt the feeling of impending doom within him grow many times stronger. "Mommy..."

"I don't get it..." Ranma mumbled softly, attracting Shinobu's attention. "Why're the halls so empty? It's almost lunch time, and the rules have been more lax than ever since the vice principal quit. There should be lots of people out here cutting class."  
Shinobu didn't quite like the way most people spoke so flippantly and casually about Furinkan's atrocious discipline and academic reputation, as she considered herself a straight student, but she had to admit that Ranma was right.  
She and Ranma had just come from the nurse's office, to the find the door locked and the room abandoned (after Ranma had forcibly broken in and conducted a thorough search), and had begun to scour the halls in search of witnesses to help them find Ataru's whereabouts. The search had met with no success thus far.  
"Maybe Cherry came by again. That always gets the delinquents back to class," Shinobu muttered.  
Ranma jerked to a stop. "Cherry? Coming by? AGAIN?"  
Shinobu nodded, coming to a stop herself. "Yes. The school nurse is Cherry's niece, so sometimes he comes by to see her during her work hours, although she's always angry about him doing so. Whenever he's here any of the students who are out in the halls gambling or eating always have to deal with him taking their food or jumping into their game. Or worse, they might get a lecture, and then Cherry might decide to follow them around all day preaching."  
Ranma's left eye twitched. He had no trouble visualizing all the different ways Cherry could antagonize random people who just happened to be in the way. "Okay, so Cherry might have come by. But that doesn't really mean anything, except that he probably followed Ataru to wherever HE is."  
"Alas, you seek the lecherous one?"  
Ranma and Shinobu turned on their heels as Kuno approached them, his bokken resting easily on his shoulder.  
"Kuno? What do you want?" Ranma said irritably. The kendoist had been more trouble than ever since the incident in which Ranma had been forced to put him down while fighting Ryoga, Shampoo, and Lum. Besides the fact that Kuno claimed he had been defeated through the cowardly expedient of dark magic, he also demanded information about Shampoo, who he had seen alongside Lum, as Nabiki didn't know anything about her (the information about Lum had already been purchased and processed, along with the appropriate posters).  
"Saotome, your command of civility is as limited as ever. Were your parent Neanderthals, or simple beasts?" Kuno said arrogantly, running a hand through his hair.  
Ranma cracked his knuckles, and was about to step forward when Shinobu placed a hand on his shoulder.  
"Whoa! Easy, boy!" Shinobu pulled Ranma back by his shirt, ignoring the young man's indignant look about being addressed in such a way. "Kuno, do you know where Ataru is?"  
"But of course," the older boy said, sighing. "When I had arrived but ten minutes ago to seek the care of the angel Sakura, for reason of correcting a wound inflicted by Miss Akane Tendo when I permissed her to date with me earlier in the morn, I saw her, her uncle, and the most unsightly female premonition I have ever beheld leaving the grounds. The lecher was with them, bound in rope, and clearly an unwilling captive."  
Ranma and Shinobu blinked.  
"Cherry and his niece kidnapped Ataru?" Ranma mumbled in confusion. "Why?"  
"Ransom?" Shinobu ventured.  
"Who'd pay for him?"  
"Interrogation?" Was the schoolgirl's second guess.  
"Ataru doesn't know anything. Unless they want some girl's measurements or something like that."  
"Revenge?" She guessed, running out of ideas.  
"It's more plausible," Ranma admitted, "but who'd go to the trouble? It's just so much easier to trap him in one place and pulverize him there."  
Ahem! Ranma and Shinobu stopped in the middle of their hypothesizing as Kuno cleared his throat loudly.  
"As it so happens, I myself inquired as to why I could not be taken into Miss Sakura's most divine care."  
Shinobu blinked. "Oh! Well then, why did they take Ataru?"  
Kuno shook his head. "Seeing as this information holds some value to you, I would be willing to spend my time in explanation in exchange for other information pertaining the lovely Chinese valkyrie who the other day-"  
At this point in his rambling, Shinobu decided that they didn't really have the time for this, and relinquished her hold on Ranma's shirt so that he could "accelerate their progress".  
Thwack! Whomp!  
Kuno fell to his knees as Ranma slugged him solidly in the stomach, and then cried out in surprise as he found his weapon arm wrenched around behind him.  
"You wanna make a deal, Kuno? You tell us what we want to know, and you get to keep full use of your arm. That's a fine offer if I've ever heard one."  
"Gack!" Kuno grit his teeth as sweat collected on his brow. "Once again... Saotome, your imbecilic attempts... at coercion through simple brute-GWA! YIEE! AN EXORCISM!"  
"What was that?" Shinobu demanded, inching closer to Ranma's victim.  
"An... ow! An exorcism! She claims some foul presence blights Ataru's soul, and hast gone about it's removal! Now unhand me!"  
"Not just yet," Ranma said evenly. "Where would Sakura take Ataru for an exorcism?"  
"She's a shrine priestess as well as a healer!" Kuno said bitterly. "No doubt she resides on the ground of a temple suitable for the purpose!"  
"Give us an address, Kuno!" Shinobu demanded.  
"You think **I** know where she lives!" Kuno said angrily. "Do you think me some vile stalker!"  
"Hmmm... did the catapult... did the electric flagpole... did the battery acid... did the sandpaper drag..."  
Both Shinobu and his victim frowned as they listened to the pigtailed boy.  
"Ranma, what are you talking about?" Shinobu asked.  
Ranma smirked. "I'm going through the types of torture I've already used on the Vice Principal. I like to use different methods as much as possible. Keeps my skills sharp."  
"3680 Nagina Avenue!" Kuno shouted desperately. "The Oak Hill Temple! Turn left on the main intersection and it's the third building on the right! You can't miss it!"  
"Just as well," Ranma mumbled to himself, "fire is more Ataru's thing anyway." He then released Kuno's arm and shoved the older boy away with his foot. "Thanks for the info, dimwit."  
"HAVE AT THEE!" The kendoist roared, turning immediately and lashing out with his wooden weapon.  
Crack!

Ignoring Kuno's crumpled form as he fell to the floor unconscious, Shinobu scratched her chin. "Taken for an exorcism? But that isn't a bad thing, right?"  
Ranma snorted as he dusted his hands off. "I've never seen Cherry do anything that wasn't a bad thing. It doesn't matter how good the twit's intentions are; if the danger was obvious enough that Ataru wasn't willing to leave with a beautiful woman, he's in trouble."  
Shinobu sighed in annoyance as she followed her boyfriend's brother out the front door of the school. Whatever was going on, Ranma was dead-set against it.

Ranma went through his mental map of the greater Nerima area as he jogged through the school courtyard, Shinobu struggling to catch up.  
He had just about figured his path of travel for getting to the temple, adjusting for the extra weight he'd have to deal with carrying Shinobu, when his danger sense warned him of an incoming threat.  
Unfortunately, his response was dampened significantly by the high-pitched squeal of joy accompanying the "attack".  
"Aiyah! Ranma! Shampoo found you!"  
Thus it was, that after the barest hesitation on Ranma's part, he was subjected to a classic Amazonian flying glomp, and hit the ground hard with one-hundred and thirty pounds of cuddly, curvaceous woman attached to him.  
Shinobu jumped back, startled, and then groaned as she realized what was happening.  
"Ah! Shampoo finally find you, Ranma! We go on exciting date now, yes?" Shampoo capitalized on the apparent surprise of her appearance, and let her hands fall downward to grasp the more sensitive parts of Ranma's "personal" anatomy.  
"GAH! Shampoo! What're you doing here!" Ranma growled as he quickly pried her arms off, very nearly tossing the Amazon away with the force he used with which to free himself.  
"Hey, you're that crazy girl with the sword!" Shinobu shouted, overcoming her surprise at seeing Ranma suddenly tackled and groped.  
"Who you call crazy?" Shampoo said irritably, feeling rather hurt (emotionally and, to a smaller extent, physically) that Ranma had rejected her so harshly. "Shampoo here take Ranma out; show Ranma that Shampoo make too, too good wife!"  
"Buzz off! I'm busy!" Ranma snapped, taking Shinobu's arm and continuing in their intended direction.  
Shampoo frowned as she watched the two students exit through the main gate. "Why Ataru girlfriend hold hands with Ranma?"  
Shinobu balked, and quickly snatched her arm out of Ranma's grasp. "We're not 'holding hands'! He was just pulling me along, that's all!"  
The Amazon clearly wasn't buying it, and her eyes narrowed as she stalked up to Shinobu. "Shampoo wonder..."  
"We don't have time for this, idiot!" Ranma shouted, suddenly picking up Shinobu entirely and holding her to be carried. "We have to go find Ataru! You can pester me later!"

Ignoring Shampoo's indignant shouting and Shinobu's brief, surprised scream, Ranma bound into the air, jumping off a nearby tree branch and landing on a building roof on the opposite side of the main street.  
"R-Ranma! Stop! What are you doing!"  
"Getting us to the temple by the express route," the martial artist said calmly, heedless of his passenger's squirming. "It'll take too long going at your best running speed, and I couldn't possibly lose Shampoo that way, anyway."  
Shinobu frowned, but finally managed to settle down even as she was subjected to the stomach-lurching sensation of a 60 mph dashing leap off of a McDonalds. "You could've warned me first!"  
"I was gonna, but Shampoo tackled me first. Hold on."  
Shinobu winced as Ranma jumped onto a metal roof, leaving a sizeable dent in the surface where he landed, and jarring her badly. Then he was off again, dashing across the rooftops.  
She was momentarily distracted as she noticed a small crow hovering in the air as they sped past. Crows weren't exactly rare in this section of the country, and normally such a thing wouldn't have attracted her attention. This crow, however, was wearing clothes. Specifically, a white, neatly ironed, crow-sized approximation of the standard shrine attendant's uniform, along with a pair of raised-sole sandals. In Ranma's arms it was but a fleeting moment that she was able to get a glance at the creature, but she immediately recognized it as the strange crow aliens that had appeared during the school camping trip. And while the sight of the alien was, as mentioned, quite brief, she could have sworn that the creature was actually gesturing toward them...  
FWOOSH! "Gwaah!" Ranma shouted in surprise as he was suddenly grasped by a fierce gust of wind, and then swallowed by a sort of focused vortex, helplessly pulled through the air by a carefully directed cyclonic tunnel.  
"What's g-going on!" Shinobu screamed, blushing as she suddenly felt Ranma's grip on her body tighten significantly.  
Ranma grit his teeth and tried to get a good sense of where he was going to land; not an easy thing when he was being chaotically turned about by the seemingly random currents of the wind tunnel. "Hold on! The landing might be a little rough!"  
He only managed to get a quick glance at the apparent origin of the wind tunnel, but it was a good enough look to confirm that Kurama was standing at the exit, right next to a strange-looking, full-length mirror. He had a sinking feeling that his current trajectory was going to take him right into the mirror's surface, and if his recent experience with alien technology was any indication, it wasn't going to simply shatter like a normal mirror would.  
At his current speed, he could manage to deflect himself away, but with Shinobu still in his arms, the tumble he'd end up taking could seriously injure her. If he pushed her away right before he reached the mirror, then Shinobu would get off with a much lighter impact and would probably land at the base rather than getting sucked right into the surface. But the angle and timing required that he himself wouldn't be able to escape.  
Ranma sighed. It wasn't really a choice at all.  
"Aah!" Shinobu screamed in surprise as Ranma shoved her away at the last moment, and found herself landing roughly onto the ground at Kurama's feet, her short descent cushioned considerably as she broke through the wall of the wind tunnel.  
Ranma, meanwhile, let out a final curse as he slipped straight into the surface of the mirror with no regard for spatial physics. 'I hate being right all the time...'

Shinobu coughed as she stumbled to her feet, severely disoriented by the whole ordeal and by now quite angry about being repeatedly carried, pulled, and otherwise forcibly propelled without her consent.  
"Kurama! What are you DOING!" She demanded, still trying to rid herself of the dizziness that plagued her.  
The crow princess frowned. "Odd. I didn't expect you to be with him. No matter."  
"NO MATTER!" Shinobu screamed, causing Kurama and her avian wards to flinch back from her intimidating visage. "YOU ALMOST KILLED US!"  
"Hmph. I do believe Ranma is capable of surviving such a fall," Kurama reasoned, though she didn't look quite as condescending as before. "As for you, I didn't know he was carrying a bystander."  
Shinobu growled and crossed her arms over her chest. "Never mind that! What did you do with him?" The raven-haired girl demanded, pointing irately at the mirror that was standing in the middle of the open lot Kurama had set up in.  
"This is a fourth-dimensional mirror," Kurama explained, gesturing to the device with the giant leaf she carried with her for defense and various utilities. "Within it is an illusionary plane of reality, a dream-world, if you will, that acts as a spiritual gymnasium by drawing on the memories and thoughts of the one inside it."  
Shinobu sweatdropped. "Oh-kay... so, again, what are you doing?"  
The crow princess snorted at the human girl's impatience. "This mirror acts as a spiritual gymnasium, feeding from the subject to simulate certain conditions and alter one's base personality. Their soul, their mind, and their senses will emerge from the mirror, altered by the experiences and trials they underwent within." She noted with no small measure of annoyance that the school girl before her was looking at her wristwatch and tapping her foot.  
"YES. And you're trying to accomplish... what?" Shinobu asked in exasperation, eager to get back to Ataru's rescue. She didn't know her way to the temple normally, and what with having been carried straight-line toward it, and then yanked off-course, she didn't even know where she was, much less how to get where she was going.  
"Using this mirror I will free him from the needless inhibitions that keep him from accepting his rightful position as my mate!" Kurama said proudly, smirking.  
Shinobu frowned. "So... you don't like Ataru... but you like Ranma... and you're going to solve your problem by... making Ranma like Ataru?"  
Kurama sweatdropped, as did many of the crow aliens.  
"Wow. It sounds kinda stupid when you put it like that," one of the crow men said. He was promptly swatted out of the air by his princess.  
"It doesn't matter what you think of it!" Kurama said angrily. "With the power of technology, I will free his trapped desires, and he will be mine!" She began to chuckle to herself, quite pleased with the turn of events.  
Naturally, that was the point when circumstances fell down to the next level of Hell.  
"Ranma not be yours if Shampoo can help it!"

"Why do these things happen to me?" Ranma said, sighing as he pushed himself up off the ground.  
Well, "ground" was a relative term here, given a short look around. Really, every direction around him stretched off into an infinite void, and he had no idea why there seemed to be firm ground beneath him.  
Ranma quickly desensitized himself to the sprawling weirdness that had spontaneously engulfed him and stood up. He started to dust himself off, but thought the better of it, seeing as his clothes had not been dirtied in any way, nor had they shifted into disarray from the notably soft impact of his arrival in the strange dream world.  
Sniffle Sob!  
Ranma turned as he heard a soft, feminine sob coming from behind him, and he frowned as the infinite, swirling nothingness faded into pasty gray walls, forming a corridor that led to a shadowed figure.  
Throwing caution to the wind, Ranma walked down the corridor toward the source of the sobbing.  
"Yow!" He jerked back as lights suddenly illuminated the figure, revealing a crying girl curled up in a fetal position whose image tugged at a fond memory buried deep beneath years and years of the turmoil and constant conflict that plagued his life. She was short, bespectacled, and top-heavy enough that Ataru would have been reduced to a drooling wreck.  
She was also completely naked.  
The pigtailed boy turned and prepared to run for it, heedless of her sobbing; as he wasn't involved with whatever had reduced her to such a state, he wasn't obliged to help or stick around, and thus he wasn't about to risk the multitude of bad things that could happen in public (if, in fact, this was any sort of public place) with a nude woman.  
"P-Please, Sob! don't g-go!"  
Ranma jerked to a stop, and his left eye twitched as he realized his escape plan had been foiled. "Uh... what is it?"  
Glomp "Hold me," she whispered into his ear, wrapping her arms around his waist.  
"Gwah!" Ranma's arms flailed about as he felt her breasts press against his back. "Hey! Leggo! I don't even know you!"  
He stopped struggling, however, when she let out a strangled whimper.  
Sniffle "You really... you don't remember me?"  
Ranma grimaced, unsure of what to do. Staving off aggressive advances was something he was quite familiar with, but usually the girl wasn't crying while she tried to seduce him, and it was throwing him off significantly.  
A small window appeared in the gray wall of the corridor, and Ranma blinked as he saw an image of himself at seven years old helping a tiny, crying bespectacled girl who had tripped in the mud.  
The naked girl dried her tears, and she smiled softly as she whispered in Ranma's ear. "It didn't really matter who it was. If they were in trouble you were there to help. You were such a kind and noble person... and you still are, but life has been hard for you, hasn't it?"  
"Yeah, speaking of that, this really isn't helping," the pigtailed boy mumbled, gently trying to pull the girl's arms off of his waist. She had a tighter grip than Shampoo!  
"It doesn't always have to be hard, Ranma," she gently kissed his ear, causing an electric tingle to surge down his body, and straight into his pants. "I've grown up, Ranma... I'm an adult now... I can teach you about being adult, too..."

Mustering every bit of resistance he could, Ranma jumped straight up out of the girl's arms, very nearly nailing her in the jaw with his shoulder.  
Managing to clamber up a perfectly flat wall, it wasn't long before he had moved out of sight of the nude vixen that had been coming onto him.  
His thoughts slowly simmered down as his libido eventually lost its slippery hold on his greater mental functions, and Ranma began to seriously think about where he was and where he would end up.  
That is, he was thinking until he reached the top of the wall.  
Climbing over the edge of the gray cliff, he was astounded to find a small grassy field bathed in warm sunlight and surrounded by tropical plants. In the middle of the field was a petite black-haired girl in a one-piece bathing suit sunning herself on a blanket.  
The girl immediately jogged his memory, and another patch of space revealed a five year-old Ranma eating Chinese noodles while a little girl of the same age ate with him in a playground, the both of them laughing.  
"You were so much **fun** back then, Ranma," the girl said suddenly, smiling at him and beckoning him over with a finger. "What happened to you? Now you're always miserable and serious. Do you refuse to enjoy yourself because you're afraid you'll become like your brother? Or do you think that having good, honest fun will make you weak? Do you really think you're above deserving happiness?"  
Ranma gulped. "Wait. No. No way. This is all some sort of sick dream, isn't it?"  
The girl giggled. "So what if it is? So what if it isn't? This isn't real, right? So enjoy yourself! Let go! Be free!" As if to punctuate the last sentence, the shoulder straps of her bathing suit suddenly fell apart, and Ranma's eyes bugged out as her bare breasts danced freely in the thrall of some unknown force.  
Ranma immediately turned and jumped off the cliff.

Whump! Ranma jerked his head up after he impacted something soft, and was horribly relieved to realize that it was a simple bed, and that it was empty except for him.  
Heaving a sigh, he fell down into the warped and messy comforter, waiting for his heartbeat to slow to some kind of reasonable speed.  
"Okay... so it seems that this place if full of naked chicks from my memories who all want me. I can deal with this. I'm not about to fall apart because of some perverted, porno reject dream land!" Ranma sat up in the bed, his resolve firming. All he had to do was brutally reject any other women he ran into! Easy, right?  
"Ranma, breakfast is ready! Let me take it to you in bed!" Kasumi called out cheerfully, emerging from the shadows carrying a large tray of scrambled eggs, soup, and rice.  
And wearing only a small, white cooking apron.  
Ranma nearly choked on the spot, and his body began to tremble as Kasumi approached him with a morning feast. Then she leaned over to place it down on the foot of the bed, giving him a perfect view down her cleavage.  
"Oh no..." Ranma let out a strangled whimper, and Kasumi blinked.  
"Ranma, is everything all right? You look all sweaty!"  
"E-Everything's j-just fine! Peachy! Wonderful! F-F-Frickin' perfect!" Ranma said desperately, feeling his body begin to betray him again.  
Heedless of his protests, Kasumi walked around the bed and then leaned over toward Ranma to feel his forehead, once again giving him a good view of what little the kitchen apron hid. "Oh dear, you're burning up!"  
'Okay big guy, this is it! Time to tell her off! Just say: back off, woman! Just like that!' Ranma gulped. "You know Kasumi, I love your cooking!"  
The eldest Tendo daughter blushed and smiled radiantly at him. "Why thank you, Ranma! Would you like a massage?"  
'Keep your hands off me, whore!' "Actually, I am feeling a little tense. Thank you!"  
Still smiling innocently, Kasumi slipped behind Ranma and began to gently knead his shoulders. Ranma, meanwhile, shakily picked up the cup of tea laid on the edge of the bed, his trembling hand spilling the majority of it all over the bed sheets before the cup reached his lips.  
"How does this feel, Ranma?"  
'I have better things to do than waste my time hanging around with you!' "It feels great Kasumi. You're really good at this." 'God, am I even **trying** anymore?'  
Suddenly, Kasumi pushed roughly on one of Ranma's shoulders, and the stunned martial artist shouted in surprise as the remaining tea in his cup splashed out onto his pants.  
"Oh my! I'm so sorry!" Kasumi's horrified gasp quickly curbed his surprise, and Ranma quickly began thinking of ways to console her. After all, the tea wasn't even that hot, and it's not like it would stain black clothing.  
"Here, let me help you out of those pants!"  
And that was about as much as Ranma could take. With a tortured scream, the pigtailed boy hurtled himself away from the bed and broke into a flat sprint, attempting to purge the lewd thoughts surrounding the Tendo homemaker from his mind.

"Think baseball! Drag racing! Sumo wrestling! CHERRY! Anything! Just get it out! Get it out of my head!" The martial artist cried, running down what seemed to be a path of pure light sitting atop the infinite void of space.  
Seeing a door at the end of the path, and not stopping to think about the likely inhabitants of every destination in the twisted dream realm, Ranma lunged for the knob and threw the door open, ready to rush into whatever sanctuary lay beyond.  
Dozens of girls that he recognized from school turned to stare at him, apparently interrupted from whatever conversations they were holding as they lounged about the sauna. Not surprisingly none of them seemed displeased to see him, and not a one had a towel wrapped around their bodies, in violation of steam room customs.  
Yuka grinned. "Ranma! Hi! Did you come to join us?"  
Ranma slowly fell to his knees, his left eye twitching badly. 'Most guys would probably consider this pretty darn lucky... I wonder how Ataru's doing right now?'

"Super-cali-fragi-listic-excor-cism-docious!" Sakura shouted, sweat rolling down her forehead as she thrust her Shinto wand forward yet again.  
Shooooom! Once again, wisps of energy seeped off of Ataru's body and rose above his head.  
The energy gathered into a single point, then expanded to take on the form of the VHS edition of the fourth season of Inu-Yasha, which promptly fell and clocked Ataru on the skull again.  
He didn't really notice, as the multiple concussions had driven all sense from his consciousness. The top of his head was entirely wrapped in bandages, one of his eyes were swollen shut, and the rest of his face had band-aids all over it. His body was mostly free from injury, if only because the ropes binding him had cushioned those parts and kept them mostly out of the way of falling objects.  
Those very objects now littered the floor at Ataru's feet, among them being various anime collections, Lego kits, fluorescent lights, old first-generation Apple computers, a wide variety of sports gear, a miniature church, roughly eight dozen Beanie Babies, and R2-D2.  
There had also been a basket of dinner rolls, but Cherry had seized the moment, and was even now devouring the rolls as he watched Sakura stew in frustration.  
"I don't understand it!" The shrine priestess shouted, grinding her teeth. "Fifty-three different incantations! Exorcism rites of every level from nine different faiths! This is ridiculous!"  
"And I'm not sure the young man can survive many more attempts," her mother added, sweatdropping.  
Growling fiercely, Sakura placed her palms together. "By the power vested in me by the precinct of Nerima, and the greater Tokyo suburban area... SPIRITS BEGONE!"  
Once again, energy seeped up off of Ataru's form and coalesced in the air, though this time it formed a much larger figure as it solidified.  
Whump! Clack! "Ow!" The cry of pain did not come from the nearly-unconscious Ataru, but rather from the full-grown man who had fallen on top of him, summoned by the infernal energies battling Sakura's magic.  
The man stood up and dusted himself off, and then looked down at his feet. Finding the cellular phone he had dropped upon arrival, he picked it up and held it up to his ear.  
"Can you hear me now?" He asked in English, "Good!"  
Without further explanation or fanfare, he walked out of the shrine, the cell phone still held to his ear.

"Argh! This is so frustrating!" Sakura shouted, gripping her hands into fists.  
"The boy Chomp! would probably agree with you, Gulp! but he seems to be suffering some side effects Crunch! from those concussions," Cherry needlessly pointed out as he finished off the mystical bread rolls.  
"Why?" Ataru suddenly cried out, his eyes goggling wildly into space. "Why are you leaving me, Tony? Am I not pretty enough?"  
R2-D2 beeped several times.  
Sakura ignored both outbursts, glaring at her patient as she considered her few remaining options.  
Finally, she turned around and walked right out the shrine. Her mother and uncle, not comprehending where she'd be going at a time like this, turned to look at each other, then shrugged and patiently waited for her return.  
After a few minutes, Sakura came back carrying a wooden bucket filled with water that had the classic Shinto wards tied onto the outside of it.  
Sakura hauled the bucket over next to Ataru, then cleared her throat as she hefted it up.  
"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" She screamed, hurling the bucket's contents at her patient.  
This exorcism rite had the dual effect of A) Waking Ataru up out of his daze, and B) turning him into a girl. As far as the evil spirit was concerned, though, it had failed to even provoke the normal response of summoning something to bludgeon Ataru on the head.  
"I did it!" Sakura shouted in excitement, seeing that Ataru had been replaced by a tall, busty blue-haired girl. "I... I don't really know **what** I did, but a dramatic physical change is definite progress!"  
"Like FUN it is!" Ataru growled, shaking her head wildly to try and rid herself of the excess water.  
"I'm afraid the boy has a separate curse that's activated with water; it's not actually a possession," Cherry informed Sakura, who immediately darkened.  
"Hmph. I suppose it makes sense that such a miserable man would possess many curses..." She rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Perhaps I can work on this curse first? It may be strengthening the possession."  
"Impossible," Cherry said immediately. "It's Chinese magic." At Ataru's questioning glance, Cherry elaborated. "Very cheap and reliable. Shinto magic just can't compete."  
"Oh, shut up," Sakura groused. "Well, then that's it! I'm out of options! Nothing's worked!"  
"Oh, by the way? I told ya so," Ataru said bitterly.  
"Damn it!" Sakura cursed, causing her shriveled relatives to wince, "Come out of there and face me like a man, vile spirit!"  
Cherry was about to bring up the very real possibility that the spirit wasn't male in nature, when vile black smoke suddenly poured from the floor around Ataru, seeping up through the cracks in the various boxes and plushie toys.  
The black smoke slithered about in the air, coming together to form a long, sinewy cloud that hung in the air, with its bottom portion thinning down to a whip-like protrusion that clung to the tip of Ataru's head.  
Two slitted, blood-red eyes took form near the top of the apparition, and it glared in annoyance at Sakura.  
"WHAT DO **YOU** WANT?" The evil spirit snapped.  
Sakura stared for a long moment, then jumped up in a cheer. "Ah ha! I did it! My holy powers truly are unmatched!"  
The others sweatdropped.  
"What 'holy powers'? You taunted him and he came out to face you!" Ataru shouted.  
"It doesn't matter," Sakura said, rolling back her sleeves. "Now that the spirit has revealed itself to me, it's only option is banishment to the afterlife." Seeing the apparition simply float in front of her, Sakura thrust her wand at it.  
"Beasts of the netherworld who taint men's souls-"  
She didn't get to finish her chant, as a long, snake-like protrusion slithered out of the spirit's body and tapped the Shinto wand.  
Fwoosh! The entire wand spontaneously combusted, bursting into flames and turning to ash so quickly that Sakura didn't even have time to shout in pain before her tool of exorcism was gone.  
Another protrusion came from just below the eyes, and let out a puff of air that blew out the two nearly burnt-out candles strapped to Sakura's head.  
Shaking her burnt hand, Sakura frowned. "Hmmm... that wasn't supposed to happen..."  
"Noooo, really?" Ataru snapped, "And here the exorcism was going SO WELL, too!"  
"TELL ME WHY YOU HAVE DISTURBED ME," the apparition demanded, glaring down at the shrine priestess. "AND THEN EXPLAIN YOUR CONTINUED TORTURE OF MY HOST."  
"I'm not torturing your host!" Sakura protested, "You are!"  
"If you had said that an hour ago, I would've believed you," Ataru muttered, "but right now, I'd rather stick with the ancient spirit, thanks."  
"Silence, you ingrate!" Sakura shouted, already flustered over the turn of events.  
"INGRATE!" Ataru screamed, "NAME ONE DAMN THING YOU'VE DONE THAT I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR!"  
"Would you just give me a chance!" Sakura shouted back.  
"I **did** give you a chance, you quack! Not that I had much **choice** in the matter!"  
The evil spirit hovering above Ataru sweatdropped as it watched the fighting escalate. "HEY. YO. SERIOUSLY. CALM DOWN, YOU TWO."  
Seeing how Ataru and Sakura were still glaring at each other, Cherry stepped forward. "Oh spirit, tell us why you haunt this man... er, woman? Whatever he is."  
Fwoosh! Hellfire burned the air next to the spirit, leaving a floating piece of paper behind. "IT'S IN THE CONTRACT, PAL. A SPIRIT'S GOTTA DO WHAT A SPIRIT'S GOTTA DO, YA KNOW?"  
Cherry plucked the piece of paper out of the air, and then started scanning it. "Oh dear. This is troubling."  
Ataru and Sakura stopped arguing and turned to look at Cherry.  
Cherry didn't explain himself, however, and turned toward his sister. "I'm afraid this is slightly outside the abilities of a monk or shrine priestess. Sister, could you get a lawyer here, please?"  
"There's that Feeling of Doom again," Ataru said, sighing. "This sucks."  
Blip! Beep! R2-D2 agreed.

"This sucks!" Ranma shouted, running across the barren landscape as the tremor of dozens of feet followed him, occasionally punctuated by the screaming of his name or the proclamation of love.  
A number of girls happily ran after him, many of them scantily clad and some of them topless. The characters ranged from girls he had noticed in passing while walking down the street, classmates who had occasionally hit on him, to the more familiar faces of Shinobu, Nabiki, Akane, Kurama, and Shampoo. The rest were childhood friends from his training trip who he had mostly forgotten about, but still held a special place deep in his cold iron heart as being his most compassionate and appreciated companions during that ten-year hell.  
Of course, due to the insubstantial nature of the blasted terrain, he couldn't outrun the horde, either. Whenever he put on the speed, it seemed that the surface he was walking on would break apart into sand, or melt into tar, or some other damnable obstacle that slowed him enough for the girls to keep pace. Worse yet, whatever strange laws that governed this realm of reality didn't see fit to grant him unlimited stamina like his pursuers apparently had, so he was pushing himself to the limit as it was, and would have to slow down soon.  
A sudden light show attracted his attention ahead, and Ranma groaned as he saw five more childhood friends, identified as such by the appropriately brief flashback bubbles that he was zipping past, point at him as they posed in multi-colored miniskirts.  
"A woman's virginity is not something that is lightly offered!"  
"A maiden's heart is sensitive and pure!"  
"For you to so callously refuse our affections is unacceptable!"  
"Don't you see that love is the answer? Emotional, physical, does it matter? Is it too much to ask for?"  
"In the name of the moon, we will jump your bones!"  
Ranma growled, and his aura flared, turning a shimmering black as it tightly coiled itself around his body. "Yeah? You gotta catch me first!"  
Ranma's form suddenly split into two black, willowy shapes that each slid off to the side in complete defiance of the common laws regulating momentum and inertia.  
In seconds, two Ranma-shaped shadows faded back into being behind the line of miniskirted defenders, sliding back into a single form before taking off at exactly the same speed as before. Ranma smirked; at least his techniques still worked unhindered.  
"Ninja trickery!" the brown-haired girl in the green skirt said.  
"Uh oh..." the blue-haired girl said, whimpering as the stampede bore down on them.

Ignoring the indignant cries and the screams of anguish from the trampled souls, Ranma reached a downward slope in his path. Seeing that the terrain was unusually soft, he hopped up and then held his legs up against his chest, sliding down the slope on his rear to gain speed and conserve energy (as he had used up quite a bit to perform the teleport illusion).  
To his surprise, the ground remained soft and smooth as he slid down the curve, although he could see that the dip in his path curved upward again later on.  
Taking great satisfaction in the brief break he got from running, Ranma hopped back up onto his feet and swiftly scrambled up the relatively shallow slope.  
Then he stopped in his tracks. At the top of the "hill" laid a huge, thick strip of fur that ran across the ground. It was mostly an orangish yellow color, but had several large black stripes running through it.  
"Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me."  
Looking back behind him confirmed his fears as he saw an enormous Lum waving coyly at him as he stood atop her hip.  
"GIVE ME A BREAK! AAARGH!"

Shampoo dodged to the right to evade yet another blast of wind, and clicked her tongue as she saw how worn out her opponent seemed to be.  
These aliens made for interesting, if not ultimately unworthy opponents. They all obviously lacked any formal or rudimentary instruction in intense combat and strategy, and instead relied upon whatever strange powers were unique to their race. Which made them a threat, certainly, but not really a challenge.  
A mere thirty seconds into the battle, Shampoo had Kurama's attack patterns down, and was barely winded from her dodging. Kurama was able to muster neither the speed nor power of Lum's lightning attacks, and seemed to be even less competent defensively, to boot. No challenge at all.  
The crow princess growled as she faced down the annoying Terran, angry at the uselessness of her crow servants. The woman hadn't even needed to use her weapons, merely swatting them aside like flies!  
Before she could ready another attack however, Shampoo was on top of her, and she accidentally released a gust of wind off to the side as the Amazon kicked her shoulder in order to disarm her. The giant leaf fell to the ground, but the blast of wind roared through the air and blasted into the side of the fourth-dimensional mirror, knocking it onto its side.  
"Ack! You fool! What have you done!" Kurama shouted, honestly not sure about what effects this would have on Ranma's trials within the other dimension, but remembering quite clearly that it was important for the gateway to remain undisturbed.  
"The mirror!" Shinobu shouted, running up to it and checking it over for damage (though she admitted to herself that she didn't really know what to look for).  
Shampoo ignored the schoolgirl, favoring the alien princess. "Hmph. Shampoo have no time for weakling. All alien do is throw big shot around and hope hit. Is disgrace to warrior womans!"  
"How dare you!" Kurama said indignantly.  
Then she frowned. "Uhm... what are you talking about, again?"  
Shampoo just snorted and turned away. "You say you have Ranma. Where?"

"This is SO not funny!" Ranma shouted angrily, flailing about as the back of his shirt was clasped between the Lum-monster's thumb and forefinger.  
Giggling, the gigantic alien brought Ranma up close in front of her face, and then smiled mischievously before slowly lowering him down.  
Ranma looked confused for a moment, wondering if she was just going to put him on the ground to deal with the other girls. After all, it wasn't like she could "do" anything with him while she was super-sized.  
Then he looked down, and realized just where he was going.  
"NO! NO! NO! Stop it! Stop it! Oh, sweet mother, WHY!" His tormented screams only made the behemoth alien giggle in delight as she let go of him, allowing the pigtailed boy to plummet downward straight into the exposed cleft of the giant's breasts.  
Goosh  
Ranma sputtered indignantly as he started to slide into Lum's massive cleavage. "NOT... FUNNY!"

The giant Lum just kept giggling as the tiny man's struggling tickled her, when suddenly there was a great creaking noise, causing her to pause.  
Then, quite literally, the world turned upside-down.  
WHAAAAM! A great tremor shook the ground as the monstrous Lum-thing fell face-first on the non-floor, apparently stunned.  
One of her breasts wiggled slightly, and then Ranma popped out from under it, leaping free from the oversized mammary and falling flat onto the ground, gasping for air.  
"Oh geez Huff I can't believe Huff that just happened to me Huff." Of all the ways to almost die that he had suffered, that had been both the most humiliating, and the least likely to generate admiration or sympathy from an audience. He decided then and there that if anyone ever asked him about the trials of this particular incident, he was going to lie.  
"Gotta get away... gotta get away..." the giant Lum seemed to fade into shadows as Ranma crawled forward on his stomach, lurching through snow drifts as white flakes fell in torrents around him.  
"Snow? Well that's just swell," the martial artist groused as he found himself subjected to yet another random scenery change.  
"Why do you fight it?"  
Ranma blinked, and looked around to try and find the source of the voice.  
"Your body aches from retreat, your mind is drowned in desire, yet still you resist. To what end? Is giving in for a bare moment so bad? Is showing a woman who wants nothing but to please you a moment of weakness, truly so horrible? Is it worth such hardship and struggle?"  
Ranma looked up at a growing snow mound, and suddenly saw a shapely woman with pale skin and shining, white-blue hair in a ponytail sitting atop a throne of ice, looking down at him. Oyuki, the ice princess of Neptune shook her head and smiled pleasantly, wearing clothes that resembles a one-piece swimsuit as aliens were wont to do.  
"Oh, stuff it!" The pigtailed boy said suddenly, jumping up to his feet. "I don't care about what you say! I'm not going to break down and just rationalize it until it all works out!" He pounded his chest with his fist. "It's my body, damn it! And it doesn't matter to me if you have big boobs, or have long legs, or if you only weigh twenty pounds! I'm better than that! I deserve better than that! And if a girl's only concern is getting into my pants, well then I say BACK OFF!"  
Oyuki looked startled at the outburst, and shrunk back as Ranma pointed at her.  
"And what are you doing in my memories, anyway! You haven't even appeared yet!" Ranma accused, causing the alien princess to sweatdrop.  
And then, once again, the world turned upside-down.

Shinobu wiped her brow as she finished standing the fourth-dimensional mirror upright once again. This thing was heavier than it looked!  
Glaring over at the two women who SHOULD have been helping out of loving concern for the victim of their affections, she noticed that Kurama was talking calmly while gesturing to the mirror, and that Shampoo was listening with a level of concentration and thoughtfulness that Shinobu would not have otherwise associated with the warrior Amazon.

"So mirror change Ranma, make... 'receptive'?" Shampoo managed to grasp some minor understanding of the word, but Kurama's speech patterns were exactly the type of over-educated mix of technical terms that she had the most trouble with. Why did all aliens speak Japanese, anyway? Weren't there any Chinese-speaking aliens out there?  
"Indeed," Kurama said, smirking. "Within that plane of reality, all of his repressed desire and lust will bubble to the surface as he's relentlessly assaulted with temptation. The end result should make him a bit easier to... 'handle'."  
"Well, get him out!" Shinobu demanded, causing both women to turn toward her in surprise.  
Kurama looked puzzled. "Why would I do that? This is the best chance to alter him for my purposes."  
"I can't believe you just said that!" Shinobu shouted, backpedaling. "That's horrible! Ranma's not just a tool for you to use, you know! If you have to screw up his mind in order to get him to help, maybe you should find somebody else to use!"  
Kurama raised an eyebrow, surprised that the little Terran was putting up a fight for a man who she ostensibly had no real relationship with. "In theory, you're right, but my people's overly complex and seemingly pointless laws forbid it. As it is, I will have significant trouble dealing with the elders back on my planet for not mating with the 'chosen one' who kissed me," Kurama spat the title in disgust.  
Shinobu turned angrily toward Shampoo. "What about you! Don't you want to spend the rest of your life with Ranma! Are you just going to let her get away with that?"  
Shampoo shrugged. "If make Ranma horny, Shampoo all for."  
Shinobu groaned. She had thought the aliens were bad, but Shampoo honestly seemed to care for Ranma! How could she do this?  
"Don't you see? Letting her do this and then taking advantage of it is wrong!" Shinobu protested.  
Shampoo actually stopped to consider this, frowning deeply. "Shampoo see. Strange girl right."  
Shinobu twitched. So it was 'strange girl' now?  
Then the Amazon shrugged. "But Shampoo desperate, so look other way this time. Ranma still good fighter, so not really care."  
Thud! Shinobu fell flat on her face, and then slowly pushed herself up.  
"All right... fine. If you won't help him... then I guess it's up to me!"  
Kurama's eyes widened as Shinobu grasped the top edge of the mirror and started shaking it back and forth. "Hey! Stop that! That's not the correct way to eject someone from the mirror!"  
"Then tell me what the correct way is!" The frustrated schoolgirl shouted.  
"B-But... the ritual is not yet complete! There's no way to ensure the procedure was successful!" Kurama protested.  
Shinobu grit her teeth. "That's the POINT, you featherbrained loon! Augh! Forget it!" The now-angry schoolgirl walked up behind the mirror, and, to Kurama's complete mortification, gave the construct a good, solid kick.  
One thing to be understood about Shinobu is that she was a relatively even-tempered girl when compared to many of her peers. She wasn't prone to bouts of hysterical violence, delusional paranoia, or needless, irrational fits of rage.  
However, when she did get mad, the ground shook and men trembled.  
WHANG! The ring of impacted metal filled the air as the fourth-dimensional mirror, constructed out of the most durable alien super-heavy alloys, flew off into the air, spinning on the axis where it had been bent to a 120 degree angle from the point of Shinobu's attack.  
The schoolgirl momentarily wondered if perhaps that had not been a good idea. Considering Kurama's horrified expression, the concept definitely bore some looking into.  
All hesitations and doubts, however, fled her mind when she saw the surface of the mirror glow a bright golden color.

Ranma slowly crawled on his hands and knees down the path, having dug himself out of the snow drift, and finding himself extremely low on energy.  
Were he a weaker man he would have been reduced to a miserable, sobbing wreck. He was physically exhausted, hungry, cold, frostbitten, nervous, and his head was absolutely swimming with three years' worth of repressed hormones being forcibly squeezed from his carefully blocked libido.  
Ranma knew that he couldn't last much longer. But he also knew that he wouldn't be spending much more time in the dream-prison. How he knew, he couldn't really say, but whether it was the sense of his torment finally coming to a head, or the approaching end of his consciousness, which was vital to the function of the mirror, what mattered to Ranma was that he got out. Besides distancing himself from this nightmare, he also felt a heavy load of guilt for allowing himself to be trapped when Ataru probably needed his help.  
He was suddenly distracted from his thoughts by a strange scent in the air, and realized with some trepidation that he was in an open field surrounded by tall grass and flowers.  
Ranma sniffed the air, and his trepidation turned to dread. He knew that smell. He knew what was coming.  
Grasping his head, the pigtailed boy curled up into a ball as he heard the sound of grass parting before a body approaching him.  
'Why?' He implored whatever forces drove the diabolical device he was in, 'Why her? Anyone but her!'  
The shuffling came closer, and the smell became stronger; the intoxicating smell of strawberries.  
Ranma shuddered as he felt the last of his will crumble already. He had lost, and he knew it. Before the last round had already begun, before he even had a chance to mount another defense, they had torn him down with their final, perfect finishing blow.  
The figure stopped and stood over Ranma, the shade from her straw hat blocking the midday sun that had materialized at some point in these vile escapades.  
"Are you okay? Can I help you up?" The soft voice was like a lullaby to him, the words caressing him and warming him. The chill that had plagued him fled entirely, and he was suddenly seized with desire.  
Love and lust became one and the same as she reached down and touched him, and Ranma began to look up, preparing himself for the inevitable bout of passion that was sure to follow...  
And then he was jarred backward violently, the dreamscape exploding into a million tiny shards.

A golden light flared about the surface of the alien mirror portal, and the surface suddenly spat Ranma out violently, sending the pigtailed boy hurtling toward the ground as the mirror surface shattered behind him.  
Wham! Grimacing, Ranma rolled as he hit the ground, his martial arts reflexes taking over with his return to the material universe.  
Once he had stopped rolling, he took stock of his situation. The physical fatigue that had plagued him in the strange dream world was gone, as he might have expected, but his head was still swimming as he remembered the events within with crystal clarity, and the fading scent of strawberry perfume taunted him with distant memories both precious and abhorrent to him.  
"I'm so confused..." Ranma whimpered, feeling the recent stress swelling against his considerable tolerance for hardship and suffering.  
It didn't help one bit when three faces that he clearly remembered leering lecherously at him filled his vision.  
"Ranma! You okay!"  
"Forgive me, please! That barbarian Terran woman kicked the mirror!"  
"SHE'S the barbarian Terran woman, not me! Ranma, can you stand? We need to hurry and save Ataru!"  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Ranma screamed, causing all three girls to get blown back from the unexpected response.  
"GET AWAY! GET AWAY! GET AWAY FROM ME! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The martial artist stumbled to his feet, and then blasted away at a sprint that kicked up a huge dust cloud in its wake. In a bare moment, he was gone, though Shinobu thought she saw him heading in the direction that they had been taking to get to Nurse Sakura's temple.  
Kurama blinked, and scratched her head. "Strange... the manual didn't mention anything like this..."  
The crow princess's speculations were cut short as Shampoo suddenly grabbed her in a headlock.  
"OW! What are you doing! Unhand me at once!"  
"Shampoo trust you stupid mirror make Ranma like Shampoo! Now stupid crow woman make Ranma scared of Shampoo!" The Amazon growled, now regretting not listening to the schoolgirl earlier.  
"I'm sure it-Gack!-it's just a-Urgh!-temporary side-effect!"  
Shinobu sweatdropped at the sight of the two women fighting, and then turned to look at the shallow trench that Ranma had created with the speed and power of his retreat. Then she looked at her watch.  
"You know what? The heck with this. I'm going home."

"I see. So you're effectively bound by clause C, line 17 of the contract, correct?" The bound lawyer asked the apparition above Ataru's head as he read the yellowed piece of paper before him.  
"THAT'S RIGHT. THE OLD CRONE THAT LANDED THIS CURSE HAPPENS TO BE A MAJOR PLAYER AMONG US NETHERWORLD TYPES, SO THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO GET OUT OF IT." The ancient spirit said apologetically, sipping a cup of tea as a sinewy tendril of shadow held the cup up to a vaguely mouth-like protrusion.  
"Ah, yes. I remember her. A very skilled witch. Very tough and stubborn, too. And her handiwork is flawless, as usual," Cherry mumbled.  
"Isn't there some alternate pact we can make?" Sakura offered. "No contract is unbreakable, correct?"  
Ataru, who was mostly being ignored in the proceedings, twitched in irritation. "Hey! What are you people doing, anyway!"  
"We're opening up negotiations. Now hush," Sakura demanded.  
"Negotiations! What happened to exorcism!"  
The shrine priestess looked embarrassed, but answered honestly. "I'm afraid none of us anticipated that you were the vessel of such a powerful and influential spirit. These situations require a more delicate approach."  
"The contract appears valid in every respect. Moreover, it cannot be dishonored from this end without significant damages to the contract breaker," the lawyer sighed and put down the contract. "Can I go now?"  
Cherry sweatdropped. "Sister, when I asked you to find a lawyer, I meant for you to hire one, not find one on the street and capture him."  
His sister snorted. "Please, have you seen what these slimeballs charge these days? And to negotiate an exorcism that we're doing for free? Ha!" Then she tugged hard on the rope that was wrapped around the man's torso. "You're not leaving until this is over, so you'd best make yourself comfortable."  
"LOOK," the evil spirit said, sighing as it put down its tea, "IT ISN'T THAT I DON'T WANT TO RELEASE THE POOR SAP. HONESTLY, AS MUCH AS I LIKE THE TORTURE AND SUFFERING OF CURSED SOULS, THE THINGS THIS KID AND HIS BROTHER HAVE TO GO THROUGH SOMETIMES IS JUST PLAIN AWFUL, YOU KNOW?" He glared at Sakura. "I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, YOU JUST START PUMPING POSITIVE KI INTO THIS GUY, BAD THINGS HAPPEN, AND YOU JUST KEEP GOING? THAT'S MESSED UP, LADY."  
"You know what, Mr. Spirit?" Ataru said sullenly, "You're really not half bad."  
The apparition chuckled. "CALL ME BILL."  
"Wait, why were my exorcisms ineffective?" Sakura asked, curious. Even if the ancient spirit was technically beyond her power, her efforts should have had a much greater effect than simply bombarding Ataru again and again with commodities.  
"Line G. Exorcism insurance," the attorney said, leaning over to look at the contract. "Injections of positive chi for the purposes of drawing out evil are instead diverted through the matrix of space-time, and converted into negative energy which manifests into a solid form and strikes the victim, unless he or she makes a saving throw vs. evil magic at -2."  
"THE KID'S UNLUCKY LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE," the spirit noted, "I'VE NEVER SEEN A d20 ROLL FIFTY-FIVE CONSECUTIVE ONES BEFORE. AND THAT WASN'T MY INFLUENCE, EITHER!"  
"But you're essentially willing to release Ataru from the curse?" Cherry asked, looking up at the spirit.  
"IT 'AINT THAT SIMPLE, GRAMPS," the apparition sighed, "THE SAOTOME CLAN IS CURSED FOR AN ETERNITY, YOU KNOW. ETERNITY MEANS 'TIL THE END OF TIME, NOT 'OH, I THINK THAT'S LONG ENOUGH'! BESIDES, IF BREAK A PACT WITH AN ALLY OF THE DARK BECAUSE I'M FEELING SORRY FOR SOME MORTAL, WHAT WOULD MY FRIENDS THINK? THEY'D BE ALL LIKE, 'BILL'S SUCH A SISSY,' AND 'CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT WUSS BILL?' AND 'BILL'S A MORTAL LOVER! BILL'S A MORTAL LOVER! HEY BILL, IF YOU LOVE MORTALS SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU MARRY ONE?'" The spirit seemed genuinely upset at the prospect, and the other inhabitants of the shrine sweatdropped.

Sakura was about to say something else, when the wall behind her suddenly exploded inward, throwing splinters and debris all over the floor. Her mother and the captured lawyer were both bowled over as a stray table fell towards them, and Cherry barely managed to dodge out of the way as a large antique pot sailed toward him, shattering all over the floor.  
"What the hell!" Sakura jumped away from that side of the shrine, sliding as she crossed the floor and landing in a crouch next to a wall of Beanie Babies that she could use for cover, if need be.  
Ranma stood in the middle of the shattered wall, his chest heaving as he fought to catch his breath.  
"RANMA! Oh, thank God!" Ataru shouted, suddenly jerking her body forward to try and cross the distance between them. "It's horrible! Just horrible! They tied me up and took me here and she kept trying to drive out evil spirits but instead she just conjured heavy stuff that fell on my head and she turned me into a girl and then the spirit came out but she can't banish it and they still won't let me go home and I hafta go to the bathroom but the 'Can you hear me now' guy from those American commercials has been in there for like twenty minutes and I WANNA GO HOME!"  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Uh... yeah. I thought you were in trouble. I got here as fast as I could, but there were... obstacles."  
"What the hell are you DOING!" Sakura finally shouted, snapping out of her daze from listening to Ataru's tirade. "How dare you just smash through the wall like that! This is a holy, sacred place!"  
"Although now it's a bit holier," Cherry mumbled, staring at the gaping wound in the wall.  
Punt! Crash! Cherry went sailing through the roof of the shrine as Ranma kicked him away in retaliation for the pun.  
The pigtailed boy then turned toward the shrine priestess, feeling a shudder go through his back at the sight of a beautiful woman. Still, he had never seen her before, and so she had not been a feature of the strange mirror-land he had been trapped in, and that helped significantly in allowing him to stay calm.  
"It's a common rule of abduction. The kidnappers are responsible for any damage caused during a rescue," Ranma insisted, crossing his arms over his chest.  
"You could've just used the door!"  
Ranma shrugged. "Not nearly dramatic enough." Then he turned back to Ataru, and then frowned at the black cloud floating above his head. "Now as for you..."  
Ranma trailed off, then blinked, and then he stepped closer for a better look.  
"Bill? Is that you?"  
Thud! Sakura and Ataru fell face-first onto the floor.  
The spirit chuckled, and a tentacle of shadow waved at the martial artist. "HEY RANMA. S'UP?"  
Ranma scratched his head. "So YOU'RE the evil spirit possessing us and giving us so much trouble?"  
The apparition nodded. "'FRAID SO, PAL. CAN'T BE HELPED. IT'S SORT OF MY JOB."  
"Wait a minute!" Sakura shouted, "how do you know this spirit?"  
Ranma scratched the back of his head. "Sometimes Bill appears in my dreams. We chat about stuff, and sometimes we play badminton, or poker."  
"All this time I thought the stress of your life was getting to you," Ataru muttered. "I guess there really were voices in your head."  
"Nah, just the one." Ranma walked up to Ataru, and picked the boy-turned-girl up and slung her over his shoulder.  
Then he turned toward Sakura. "Normally I'd be obligated to beat up whoever kidnapped my brother... but I'm tired, and I already destroyed part of your shrine, so I'm just gonna leave."  
He looked up. "C'mon Bill. Let's get outta here." Then he walked out of the hole he made in the wall without further fanfare, a grateful-looking Ataru-chan slung over his shoulder.  
"COMING!" The ghostly creature said, following the boys out.  
Then, at the last moment, it turned around to face Sakura. "BY THE WAY, THAT ELEVENTH INCANTATION YOU TRIED? IT'S STEP, STEP, TURN, AND **THEN** SWING. AND THE MICHAEL JACKSON MOONWALK ISN'T PART OF IT AT ALL."  
The shrine priestess frowned. "I thought something felt off... oh well. Perhaps I can attempt to banish you to the netherworld another time."  
"ANYTIME, SWEETS," the evil spirit said, waving to her as he finally floated out the hole in the wall toward Ataru, whom he was still attached to.

Sakura sighed and fell down onto her rear, rubbing her head. "My first failure as a shrine priestess... I can't believe it."  
"Oof! Take heart, Sakura," her mother said, finally shoving the table off of herself, "there are some things in this world that us mere mortals are simply not meant to challenge. Foes that even us spiritual titans cannot break." She dusted herself off. "Besides, it's not like he was anyone important."  
"Can I go home, now?" the bound lawyer asked miserably, quite fed up with the situation he had been dragged into.  
"Not yet," the old crone said, yanking on the rope and dragging the attorney toward the door. "That young man just burst through our wall and destroyed a priceless antique vase. We have work to do."  
Sakura sweatdropped. "Mother, sometimes you can be so petty."  
Bleep! Braap! Blip! Bleep! R2-D2 agreed.

End Chapter 6 


	7. The Iron Chefs

"Hello, and welcome to yet another edition of Jusenkyou Theatre, one of the mind-warping omakes that I write so that I don't have to churn out a full 95 KB of actual plot," said the lanky 20-year old man standing in front of the camera.  
"Originally I was going to write an omake based on the current happenstances in TS through the comedic filter of the Jerry Springer show. And I did, actually. It sucked. So instead, I'm going to discuss the unique and hideously frustrating characterizations in Gad Guard."  
Ataru suddenly walked up next to Black Dragon, as if he had just happened upon the scene. "Gad Guard? Sounds familiar, but what is it?"  
"It's a story about kids who find magic rocks that turn into giant robots. Also there's jazz music. Besides that, the only thing that sets Gad Guard apart from any other anime is that the character's flaws and general dysfunctions aren't as enjoyable."  
Ataru planted his fists on his hips in a pose that was obviously rehearsed. "Golly BD, whatever do you mean?"  
Black Dragon was about to explain himself, when he suddenly frowned. "Did you just say the word 'golly'?"  
Ataru sweatdropped. "Er... well... I know it wasn't in the script, but-" he was cut off as a cane emerged from backstage and latched around his neck, dragging the lecher away before he could explain himself further.  
Ranma stepped out as a replacement. "So whaddya mean by that?"  
"I'm glad you asked, Ranma," BD said, crossing his arms over his chest. "Male anime protagonists can ideally be grouped into five personality classes: brash, honest hero types who sacrifice themselves for others, lecherous idiots who let their libido control every aspect of their lives, happy go lucky fools who never let anything get them down, self-pitying losers who happen to be very attractive to women who actually get to know them, but never take advantage of it, and overly-serious, angsty lone wolf types who think that having friends is a weakness. Chicks get four classes: needy boy-hungry whiners, bad-ass hotties with bad tempers, manipulative succubus types who have no desire for men as anything but tools, and femi-Nazi types who... need no further explanation."  
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Okay... but these Gad Guard kids are different?"  
"They're nuts," BD explained. "I mean, out of all the robot pilots, Katana is the only one who makes any sense, because he fits into the 'evil killer who's really a softie' category which was first explored with Inu-Yasha's Sesshomaru. He even has the little girl who follows him around for no reason. But from then on, you got nothing."  
BD turned on a slide projector. "First off, you have the main character, Hajiki, who seems to fit the lone wolf stereotype, but can't seem to figure out what the hell he wants. Violence, money, friendship, allies... his personality and needs change according to the phases of the moon."  
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"I don't want to use Lightning for fighting," Hajiki protested.  
Hachisuka raised an eyebrow. "It's a twenty-foot giant robot. You're constantly being attacked by demons and mecha. What the hell else are you going to use it for?"  
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"Why do you have to fight him?" Aiko asked worriedly.  
Hajiki turned away from her, clenching his fists. "I want to stop Katana from doing bad things."  
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"I don't want to fight you!" Hajiki protested from behind Lightning's head, as Katana and his techode Zero towered over them.  
Katana was silent for a moment. "I really can't see any other way this could possibly play out..."  
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Hajiki gaped as the industrial laser Lightning had been wielding started to meld with its shoulder.  
"See? See? It wants to fight!" The gadrian hunter cheered, moving his heavy metal into a firing position.  
"Uh... you started fighting, not the techode," Catherine observed from the cab of Hachisuka's truck.  
"Lighting! Stop, please!" Hajiki shouted, running up to the robot and grabbing onto its leg.  
"It's all right, really," Catherine insisted from the sidelines. "The guy is trying to kill you. It's okay to fight back."  
"No! I don't want you to fight!" Hajiki shouted, willing his techode to rip the laser away from its shoulder.  
Catherine sweatdropped. "But didn't YOU come to confront HIM? And you... oh, forget it."  
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"Then there's Aiko, who can't seem to wrap her head around the concept of 'friend and foe', such that she can't understand why people can't get along and be friends with the people who are trying to kill them." Black Dragon said, pushing a button on his remote control.  
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"I think those of us with techodes should all stay together and do something wonderful, don't you?" Aiko said cheerfully to Hajiki.  
Hajiki shrugged as he continued writing. "Not now. First I have to find Katana and destroy him."  
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"Katana uses his techode for evil!" Takumi proclaimed from where he stood on Thunderbolt's back.  
"But can't we all work together?" Aiko protested, standing in the massive hands of Messah Schmit.  
Hajiki frowned. "I don't really see how we can work with Katana to stop him."  
"We can all be friends!" Aiko said again.  
"He tried to kill me!" Hajiki shouted.  
"He keeps beating me up and telling me I'm too worthless to kill!" Takumi said, feeling slightly jealous of Hajiki's more perilous encounters.  
"But we can all get along!" Aiko said yet again.  
"Crazy bitch," both of the boys muttered as their techodes began to walk away.  
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"Katana-kun!" Aiko said as she wandered through the junk yard. "I brought cake!"  
The lanky hitman poked his head out of the door to the garage he called home. "Are you here AGAIN? Why do you keep bothering me?"  
"Hm? I'm your friend! I'm here to visit you!"  
Katana twitched. "You are not my friend. I don't even like you. Go away."  
Aiko smiled and held up the pastry box she was carrying. "Look! I brought cake!"  
"You know that I'm an assassin, right? I kill people for money. Aren't you supposed to be some goody two-shoes rich girl?"  
Aiko opened up the box to show him the treat she brought him. "Look! It's chocolate!"  
"Crazy bitch," Katana muttered, closing the door.  
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"Next comes Arashi, who seems really cool at first... until you get deeper into the series, and see that she averages about three lines per episode, if you don't count 'Hajiki-kun...' as a line. She also doesn't want to use her techode for fighting, which is both strange given her background as a martial artist, and questionable as there really aren't many other USES for a giant robot if the only emergencies that call for one to bring it up from its underground base is when demons and robots are on the rampage. On top of that, she seems to be the peer pressure poster child or something." BD pushed the button on his remote.  
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Arashi watch in fascination as Hajiki rode away atop Lightning, looking wistful as he was joined a moment later by Aiko on Messah and Takumi on Thunderbolt.  
"I want I had a techode, too..."  
"Gads are dangerous," Catherine chided. "They steal something important from you."  
"But... everyone else seems to enjoy them..."  
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Hajiki blinked in surprise as he saw Arashi's techode Hayate land nearby next to the docks. "Shinozuka! I told you not to come!"  
Arashi looked around, and noted that all the other techodes seemed to be present. "But... Aiko got to come!"  
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Hajiki frowned as he looked back and saw that Arashi was following them through the canal, riding atop the head of her techode as it slogged through the water. "Shinozuka, why are you swimming down here? Can't you just fly home?"  
"But... everyone else was doing it!" Arashi protested.  
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"Hey, Shinozuka-san. I dare you to have Hayate throw you off a cliff," Hajiki said neutrally.  
"What? No! Why would I do that?" Arashi asked, alarmed.  
"Everyone else is doing it," Hajiki reasoned. "You want to hang out with the rest of us, right? Don't you want to be cool?"  
Without another word, Arashi pressed her lips into a thin line, and then nodded as she guided her techode toward the large cliff that overlooked the city.  
Wordlessly, Hajiki walked over to a stunned Aiko and Takumi, who shook their heads and handed wads of money over to him for winning the bet.  
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Ranma raised a sign over his head: Scenes may contain, or be comprised of fictional content.  
"Don't give me that! This is the truth!" BD shouted. "Finally, we come to Takumi, who seems pretty cool at first. A rich kid who wants to be a superhero and fight for justice, and has a giant robot to help him do it. Of course, he doesn't seem so cool when he's constantly getting his ass handed to him. He also has flaw that is most crippling for the crime-fighting super-detective: he has no clue."  
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"Katana stole them! He stole the gads, didn't he?" Takumi shouted at Aiko, who stood in front of him atop Messah's shoulders.  
Aiko shook her head. "I doubt it. Did he even show up in this episode? I haven't seen him in a while."  
"It must have been him! He wants their power!" The blond boy ranted madly, glancing back and forth.  
"But... he has a techode already. And he's never shown any interest in taking gads before. I mean, the one he got he tried to throw away..."  
"Are you involved in this? Did you steal the gads?" Takumi yelled accusingly.  
"Uhm... they belong to my family... and they're stored in my house. How would I steal them?" Aiko asked as she sweatdropped.  
"Don't lie to me! I won't let the culprit get away with this!" Takumi proclaimed.  
"But didn't you just try to take the gads yourself?" the teenager girl asked, scratching her head.  
"That much power in one place is too much for one man to contain and control!" Takumi insisted.  
"So... you're going to try to safeguard them yourself?"  
"I will defend the gads! I will save the world! I am an ally of JUSTICE!"  
Aiko was silent for several moments. "... You're a creepy little guy, you know that?"  
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"And there you have it!" BD said, turning off the projector.  
"There we have WHAT? You just spent like five minutes talking about an anime series most of the readers probably haven't heard of," Ranma said harshly.  
Black Dragon glared at him. "It's an ANALYSIS of what makes a character quirky and fun, versus what kinds of character points drag down the plot development and-"  
"Blah blah blah, it's a long complaint full of slightly entertaining and mostly fake scenes from the anime. And, if I may say so, it's a lot closer to the behavior of actual fifteen year-olds than any Takahashi series."  
BD continued glaring at Ranma. "Fine. Final point: stereotypical archetypes good. Inconsistent characterization headache. But it's still worth watching for the jazz music. On to the story."

Takahashi Soup  
by Black Dragon

Dislcaimer. I do not own chocolate. The patent for creamy, cocoa-based sugary goodness shall forever elude me.  
Oh, and if you want to know who the mystery chick was in chapter 6, you've got a LONG wait ahead of you. That was some seriously evil foreshadowing there.

Chapter 7  
The Iron Chefs

"Ranma! Ranma? That's strange. Isn't he up yet?" Kasumi asked Ataru as the more lecherous of the Saotome twins squatted down at the breakfast table.  
Ataru blinked, then scratched his head. "You know... I don't really know. Pops tried to wake him up for practice, but Ranma just beat him up and went back to bed. He looked really bad, too. Like he hadn't gotten any sleep at all."  
"Oh, my! Do you think he's sick?" Kasumi thought, looking upstairs worriedly.  
"Pft. Not likely. Ranma never gets sick," Ataru said, already filling his plate with breakfast.  
Nabiki entered the room next, having overheard much of the conversation. "Well he sounds sick to me. I dropped by his room to ask if I should drain the bath or draw a new one for him, and he just huddled under his blanket, begging me to leave."  
Genma, who was sporting a black eye and a much larger white cloth over his head, grimaced. "I admit, while he hasn't been ill since he was a baby, something does seem to be troubling him. It's probably best if he stays home from school today."  
"I'll alert the school board; they'll be overjoyed," Akane said bitterly. "Aside from having already totaled the school once, I heard that Ranma destroyed the school nurse's Shinto shrine yesterday. He probably got cursed or something as a result. Serves the jerk right."  
As everyone else winced at her severity and prepared to change the subject, Akane suddenly felt a sharp pain on her hand, and then gaped as she realized the Kasumi had swatted her knuckles with a pair of chopsticks.  
"Akane! I will NOT accept that kind of attitude from you!" The eldest Tendo daughter said sternly, causing everyone else to freeze absolutely still and watch, mesmerized. "I don't care what you think of Ranma-kun, but to speak ill of the sick is wrong! I expect better from you!"  
"B-But... I mean... he... and..." Akane stuttered badly as Kasumi continued frowning at her.  
Seeing that her younger sister wasn't getting anywhere as far as defending herself, Kasumi wagged a finger at her. "Saotome-san and his sons are our guests! Now, I've been very lenient with the way you treat them in the past, and especially as Ataru seems to provoke you deliberately, but I have had quite enough!"  
Nabiki and Soun stared in mute shock at the lecture, unable to come to terms with Kasumi's sudden assault.  
"I... I'm sorry..." Akane mumbled, lowering her head. Anyone else and she would have fought back, perhaps even physically. But against Kasumi, the only option was submission, and the youngest Tendo began to feel doubt and shame well up inside her as her oldest sister made her displeasure known.  
Kasumi kept frowning. "Very well. I'll accept your apology for now. But I want you to show more restraint in the future. I'm going to go take Ranma's breakfast to him."  
Then she turned toward the kitchen, and smiled at the dome-topped metal cylinder with legs that stood next to the kitchen door. "D2-chan, could you start clearing the table please?"  
_Beep! Boop! Blip!_ The astromech droid responded, shifting its bottom-mounted foot forward and moving forward to begin working with its many servo arms.

Nabiki watched Kasumi go upstairs somewhat apprehensively, pondering her older sister's outburst. Had Akane merely crossed the line and gotten what was coming to her, or was there something else going on here?  
"Not that I'm complaining, exactly..." Soun began, wanting to focus on a new subject so that he could purge what he had just seen from his memory. Kasumi was, after all, an air-headed and placid girl, docile almost to the point of apathy, and he wasn't about to let reality muddy up his perception of the world. "But what exactly is that... thing doing in my house?"  
Ataru patted R2-D2 on top of its domed head. "The little guy followed me home last night, actually. After landing on top of my head in a legally sanctioned defense of the curse that inhabits my soul against an exorcism gone completely awry. Can we keep him?"  
"I don't know, son," Genma mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. "Having your own utility droid is a big responsibility!"  
Ataru blinked. "It is?"  
"I... uh..." Genma frowned. "Well, I guess I don't really know."  
"Please?" Ataru begged, clasping his hands together. "I'll wash him and recharge him and maintain his motivator all by myself! Honest!"  
Genma sighed. "Well, I'll think about it. For now, why don't you run off to school?"  
"Thanks, Pop!" Ataru said cheerfully, slapping his father on the back before he rushed out the front door, backpack in hand.  
Nabiki finished chewing the last of her breakfast, then placed her plate on top of the rack that had popped open atop the droid's head. "So, out of curiosity, why WOULDN'T you keep it? It does nothing but help, and it's not like it costs you anything."  
Genma frowned. "Huh. I actually hadn't considered that."  
"Of course," Nabiki deadpanned. "Well, whatever. I'm going to..." she stopped as she heard a slightly muffled noise from upstairs. "Huh? What was that?"  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ranma's breathing was quick and shallow as he remained squatting motionlessly atop his futon, his hands at his sides in a classic meditation pose.  
Despite the outward appearance of peace and calm, however, his mind was anything but.  
'Damn! Don't think about it! Don't think about it! Clear your mind! Purge all thoughts! Resist temptation! There is no spoon! AAARGH!'  
He continued attempting to meditate, but his emotions were in turmoil. Just when he had finally mustered the courage and rationale to decide that he could go through a full day of class in the presence of familiar girls without flipping out, Nabiki had come knocking at his door, her seductive voice calling to him, inviting him to take a bath with her, and share whatever pleasures of the flesh she could offer him.  
Sweat started rolling down Ranma's head. 'No, she did NOT invite me to take a bath with her! She asked if she should draw a bath for me! No sexual intent was implied! Dammit, get under control, body!'  
Of course, thoughts of baths brought back images from the dream-slash-nightmare-scape from the previous day, and the pigtailed boy found it quite simple to recall a perfectly nude Nabiki, despite never having seen her in less than shorts and a T-shirt in real life.  
'This isn't working! I gotta get this under control! No WAY can I go out like this!' Ranma's face reddened despite his efforts to detach mind from body, and he cracked his eyes open to stare down in his lap. Besides the obvious problem of screaming like a madman and fleeing from every female he had ever met before, Ranma was also having trouble coming to terms with a very different, and even less voluntary, humiliating reaction to his predicament. Puberty had been very kind to the young man, and though he had never really thought about it before, his normal black sweat pants weren't the best clothes to disguise male arousal.  
'No wonder Ataru wears jeans all the time. But none of his pants fit me,' the pigtailed boy groused. 'Maybe Pop's clothes? Of course they'll be too big, but maybe I can use that to-'  
His thoughts were interrupted as there was a knock on the door.  
"Yeah, come on in," Ranma said absently, not really considering the full range of possible guests seeking entry to his room.  
Kasumi opened the door with her free hand, and noted that Ranma was sitting in the middle of the room, facing away from her. "Ranma-kun? I brought breakfast. How are you feeling?"  
The reaction was instantaneous. Ranma lurched forward at the sound of Kasumi's musical voice, and his hands gripped the edges of his futon tightly as his entire body went on high alert.  
"Ka-Ka-Kasumi! What are y-you doing here?"  
Kasumi blinked. "Uhm... bringing you breakfast. Didn't you hear me?"  
Ranma forced out a laugh, and beads of sweat began rolling down his forehead as he made eye contact. "Oh! Of course! Thank you! You can just leave it on the floor there and go now!" 'Maintain eye contact! Focus on the face! Do NOT start mentally undressing her! Sweet monkey Christ, she's beautiful! Why did I have to go insane to notice that?'  
Kasumi looked worried as Ranma's face became flushed. "Oh my, you don't look well at all. Do you have a fever?"  
Ranma twitched. It didn't look like the Tendo homemaker was planning on leaving right away. "Now that you mention it, I'm not feeling a hundred percent today! So I'll just stay in bed! You can go now! Don't want you getting sick!"  
"Oh, that's all right," Kasumi said as she set the plate down. "Here, let me feel your head."  
_CRASH!_  
Kasumi stared at the broken window that Ranma had leapt through, unable to comprehend what she had just seen. "Oh my... I can't imagine that's good for his fever..."

_Splash!_  
Ataru turned around as he heard something impact the koi pond, and he blinked once he saw Ranma, in female form, scramble out of the pool of water and collapse on the ground, breathing heavily.  
"Ah... cold water... that's the stuff..." Ranma's mind began to clear as her now frigid clothing clung to her skin, and she felt much of her emotional heat evaporate as she adjusted to the lack of proper male anatomy.  
Ataru walked up to his brother turned sister. "Hey man, are you okay? Want some hot water?"  
Ranma twitched. "No, thank you. I think I'm good. I'll go to school like this today."  
"What? Why?" Ataru couldn't imagine why Ranma would want to attend school as a girl. With how attractive their female forms were, guys were constantly hitting on them, which frankly made his stomach turn. In addition, he remembered that Ranma had seriously injured Genma on a previous occasion for attempting to send him to school as a girl.  
"There are... complications." The pigtailed girl groused, standing up and wringing out her pigtail. "It'd just be best for me to stay like this for now."

Without waiting for any other response from her brother, Ranma grabbed the front of Ataru's shirt and dragged him toward the front gate of the Tendo compound.  
"W-Wait! What's the rush, man?" Ataru asked, stumbling along. "Nabiki hasn't even left yet! And I don't have my stuff!"  
"You never read your books anyway, and it's not like you do homework; you don't need your backpack. Now come on." Ranma said, passing through the front gate and shoving Ataru in front of her.  
"But why?" The lecher whined, unable to fathom why Ranma would want to get to school early. Education was one of the rare things that both of the twin brothers freely shirked without remorse.  
"I just... there are certain people I don't want to run into today."  
Ataru frowned. "Oh. Like Kuno?"  
"Sure," Ranma mumbled, glancing back and forth as she plodded along behind Ataru. "Kuno. Right."  
"Okay, fine. But why can't you go by yourself and leave me out of it?" Ataru asked irritably. Not that he wasn't used to his brother pushing him around, but he always demanded an explanation just to keep the pigtailed boy honest.  
"I need you to get between me and every girl we come across on our way to school," Ranma said honestly, feeling slightly disgusted when Ataru's eyebrows rose. "It doesn't matter who they are or why they approach, just stand in front of me and flirt with them until they leave."  
Ataru turned and stared at Ranma strangely. "Are you... feeling okay, bro?"  
Ranma grit her teeth, restraining her urge to strike her sibling. "No, Ataru. No I'm not. And I-GWAAH!"  
Ataru flinched as Ranma shouted in surprise, and then he groaned once he saw Lum flying up to them. 'Great. Just what I DON'T need first thing in the morning.'  
The alien princess frowned when she saw the cute redheaded girl staring at her, terrified, while hiding behind Ataru. While seeing people (mostly girls) terrified by her presence wasn't completely new to her, seeing them hide behind her husband/fiance was.  
"Darling... who is THAT?" Lum asked menacingly, electric arcs sparking between her horns.  
The lecher blinked, and then realized she was talking about his brother. "Oh! Her. Never mind her. She's just a relative."  
"A relative? I don't remember seeing her around before," the alien muttered suspiciously. Truth be told, the girl DID look vaguely familiar, but Lum just couldn't quite put her finger on why.  
"What are you doing?" Ranma whispered. "Hurry up and get rid of her!"  
Ataru frowned, wondering what Ranma's problem is. While the pigtailed boy and Lum had never gotten along, Ranma had never wanted to simply ditch her on principle, and Ranma certainly never would have left it to him.  
"Er... did you want something, Lum?" Ataru asked, sighing.  
Lum narrowed her eyes, but decided to let the redhead's presence go. After all, it's not like they had been doing anything other than walking together, and Ataru seemed annoyed by her presence rather than aroused, for some reason. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to meet you at school today!"  
Ranma twitched at the alien girl's smile, and looked down at the ground, trying to imagine that she was somewhere else. Preferably where it was cold and girls couldn't get away with running around in furry bikinis.  
Ataru grimaced. "Lum, we've been through this: DON'T follow me to school! Do you know how much trouble I have keeping up a passing 'D' as it is?"  
Lum pouted. "I know that! But I can visit you during lunch, right?"  
"I'd really prefer that you not," Ataru said bluntly, "you'll cause an uproar no matter when you come." 'Plus, you'll probably fry me for eating lunch with Shinobu,' he added mentally.  
Lum's pout turned into a more genuine look of sorrow, and she sniffled a little bit, causing both Saotomes to wince at the prelude to all-out tears.  
"But... I was... going to bring you lunch..."  
Ataru immediately perked up at this. "What? You were?" Then he narrowed his eyes. "Wait... it's not some weird alien dish, is it?"  
"Uh-uh!" Lum said, brightening as her husband started to show interest. "I got the recipe from Kasumi! Something called... curry chicken, I think it was."  
Ataru was already salivating, and Ranma growled and gave her brother a kick in the shin to remind them that they were headed somewhere.  
"Ow! Okay! Fine!" Hopping on one foot, the lecher smiled gratefully at Lum. "Well, since you're going to bring food, stop on by! I'd be happy to eat lunch with you! You can leave, now!"  
"Okay darling! I love you!" The alien giggled, blowing the lecher a kiss.  
"Yeah, okay, fine. Go away," Ataru mumbled, moving forward with Ranma in tow while visions of hot, home-made cooking filled his thoughts.

The siblings continued to make their way to school, and as they went, Ataru grew more and more concerned about Ranma's behavior. He had always thought that Ranma was a prude, and unnecessarily serious, as the pigtailed boy never flirted or slept around, even though girls flocked to him and gladly offered themselves. His behavior today, however, was not particularly prudish. No, the way Ranma constantly flinched away and averted his eyes from every girl or woman on the street spoke of pure, honest fear.  
"Hey, seriously, is something wrong?" Ataru finally asked the cursed redhead. "You're not looking too hot, bro."  
Ranma swallowed. 'He's right. This was a stupid thing to do. But it's this... or go home to be cared for by Kasumi...' Sensual images surfaced at the thought of the Tendo homemaker, and she began experiencing unfamiliar feelings of female arousal.  
Luckily, those signs in a woman were less obvious, and less distinct.  
"Ranma? Do you have a fever or something? Your face is all flushed, and you look dizzy."  
'Must... purge... all... unclean... thoughts... Kasumi... not... sex object... must... not... picture her... naked.' "I'll be fine... I guess... eventually..." Ranma mumbled, her breathing becoming more and more labored.  
"Excuse me?"  
Ataru whirled around at the friendly, feminine voice, and beheld one of Akane's friends Yuka approaching them with her bag clutched to her chest. "Yeah? What's up?"  
The brunette frowned at the sight of the busty redhead that seemed to be trying to hide from her behind Ataru. Did the lecher manage to snare ANOTHER fiancee? "I was, um, just wondering where Ranma was, actually."  
"Ranma... riiight..." Ataru chewed on his lip for a moment, unsure of how he was supposed to respond to that query. "OW!"  
Yuka blinked as she watched the redhead pinch Ataru, though she couldn't imagine why.  
Remembering Ranma's instructions from before, Ataru cleared his throat and suddenly stepped forward, placing a hand on Yuka's shoulder. "Aw, just forget about Ranma! Why don't you hang out with me, instead?" the lecher asked, grinning in a way that made Yuka's stomach churn.  
"Ugh! Don't touch me, you sicko!" The brunette spat, slapping his arm away. "You're disgusting! You really will hit on anything that moves, won't you!"  
"No way! Only the cute things that move!" Ataru said, still grinning in that awful way that made girls want to deck him then and there.

Nonetheless, Yuka managed to restrain herself, and walked away in a huff. As she was leaving, Ataru turned toward his brother-turned-sister, and crossed his arms over his chest.  
"All right, bro. What's going on? You've never encouraged me to flirt with or frighten girls before; why now?"  
Ranma scowled, slightly surprised by Ataru's attitude; it wasn't like she was asking her brother to do anything he wouldn't gladly do on his own. "Look, I'm just not in the mood to deal with women today, all right? It's... complicated."  
"Complicated in an 'I have a possessive girl stalking me who will exact vengeance on me and any female who gets close' way, or complicated in an 'I found out that my male body secretes ultra-pheromones and I fear girls will try and jump my bones in public' way?"  
Ranma was not amused, and crossed her arms over her chest. "Complicated in an 'I've just been subjected to an alien device that has had unforeseen effects upon my brain' way."  
Ataru winced. "Ooh... yeah... that's pretty complicated."  
"Right. So drop the yeagh!" The redhead once again jumped behind Ataru as another girl approached the pair, and grew increasingly nervous; this time, the girl wouldn't be fooled by his current female state.  
"So there you are," Nabiki said as she approached the Saotome twins. "We were all wondering why-"  
As Ranma began to clutch her head and shake it to try and slow down the onslaught of lewd thoughts, Ataru took the initiative, happily indulging his normally useless and troublesome sex drive for the good of his sibling.  
"Nab-chan!" _Glomp!_  
"Gwaugh!" Nabiki let out a strangled cry of surprise as she was tackle-hugged, and she looked surprised for a moment before cooly planting an elbow into Ataru's head. "Ataru... I SUGGEST you remove yourself from me immediately. You will NOT like the results if you fail to do so."  
Ataru couldn't think of a good excuse to remain attached to her torso after Nabiki requested he let go, so the lecher simply did so and rubbed the welt on his head, grinning stupidly the whole time.  
Nabiki glared at him icily. "Watch yourself Saotome. You DON'T want to get on my nerves."  
"I'm pretty sure there's no part of you I don't want to get on," Ataru said happily, apparently immune to Nabiki's warning tone.  
Gritting her teeth, the middle Tendo daughter turned and walked away, unable to decide if Ataru's stupidity was really worth the trouble of putting together a decent revenge plot.

Ranma breathed a sigh of relief as soon as the young woman was far enough away. "This is not going well..."  
"Ranma, as much as I love the general policy, I can't keep all the chicks away from you all day," Ataru said, leading the way and keeping a careful lookout for any women in their path.  
The redhead scowled. "You're right. But I can't go home... I guess..." she pressed her lips into a thin line. "I'm going to have to buckle down and deal with this. That's for sure." She glanced at her brother hesitantly. "Say... do you... well, how to put this..."  
"Eh? How to put what?" Ataru said, stopping in his tracks. It was rare that Ranma had trouble speaking his mind, and when he did, the subject was either very serious, or very entertaining.  
Ranma fought the slight blush that threatened to emerge. "How do you... distract yourself? You know, from thinking about... stuff?"  
Ataru blinked. "I have the attention span of a chipmunk. That pretty much takes the effort out of my part."  
Ranma twitched, more annoyed that she couldn't manage to ask the question straight out than she was at Ataru's response. "Not in general. How do you distract yourself from thinking about... uh... g-girls?" she sputtered out at last.  
The lecher's right eyebrow climbed up his forehead. "You're asking ME how I stop myself from thinking of girls?"  
Ranma twitched again. "... That question sounded a lot less stupid in my head."  
Ataru sighed, and then backed up so that he could put an arm over his brother-turned-sister's shoulders. "Bro, listen, while I COULD take you aside and explain men and women and the way sex works, now really isn't the best-URK!"  
Ranma growled and dug her elbow further into Ataru's stomach. "I don't need 'the talk', you dimwit! But I'm really at my wit's end, here!"  
"_Cough!_ O-Okay! Fine! But even saying that, things like noticing girls for the first time and how to deal with it are best discussed between a father and his fourteen year-old son," Ataru mumbled, rubbing his stomach.  
"You know damn well the only thing Pop taught me when I was fourteen was jump kicks," the pigtailed girl muttered.  
"True... let's see..." The lecher rubbed his chin thoughtfully and started pacing back and forth. "I suppose the best way to stop an erotic fantasy is to think of something as repulsive as the fantasy is enticing." He turned toward the redhead. "What's the vilest, most disgusting thing you-"  
"Easy. You groping me at Jusenkyou," Ranma said immediately, interrupting her brother in mid-sentence. Then she shuddered. "Wow... I think it's working."  
Ataru glared at her as she kept talking.  
"Arousal... vanishing. Body... going cold. Affection for other people... replaced by bitterness and anger." Ranma's face darkened, yet she smirked at the same time. "Okay. I think I can do this."  
"Care to keep your thoughts to yourself?" Her brother groused. Granted, Ataru could understand how revolting it would have been had their positions been reversed, but he still felt that Ranma was being overdramatic about the ordeal.  
"Shut up and let's go," the redhead snapped, shoving Ataru along. "... And... thanks."  
Ataru remained silent for a moment as they walked, until the curiosity became too much for him to bear. "You mean thanks for groping you, or for the idea?"  
_WHAM!_ "AAAAIIIIEEE! SORRY! SORRY! STUPID QUESTION! NO MORE HURTING! GWAAAAH!"  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The English teacher scratched his forehead as he looked at the roll sheet, very unsure as to what to make of this turn of events.  
"So... your name is..."  
"Ranko Saotome," the somewhat gloomy-looking redhead said somberly.  
"Okay... and you're filling in for..."  
"Ranma Saotome, who's sick with a fever or something," Ranma lied, looking very disinterested in these proceedings.  
The teacher frowned. "I suppose your Saotome-san's, what, sister?"  
Ranma stopped to think for a moment. "Cousin," she said, after some hesitation. "He's my Pop's brother's son." Satisfied that the explanation should explain the common surname while staving off any requests as to why Ranma and Ranko were never together, the pigtailed girl prepared to go about the business of ignoring the day's lecture.  
The man at the head of the classroom sighed. "Is it customary in your family to send a substitute family member to school when the original student isn't available?"  
Ranma glared at him. "Is it customary in this school to ask stupid questions when there's no problem? Start the lecture already!"  
The teacher flinched back, and then nodded nervously, turning to the blackboard.  
In the meantime, the rest of the students openly stared at the pigtailed redhead, with the exception of Akane, who knew who Ranma was and considered it a personal favor to him to not blow his cover for her own amusement, and Ataru, who was already asleep.  
Despite the claim of covering for Ranma, "Ranko" had abandoned her normal seat for one on the side of the room, such that she was surrounded by boys, and well away from the class's girls. This had been a slight problem at first, since the normal occupant of the desk, some skinny, gloomy guy named Himaru or Jikaru or something, had come to try and claim it, but that problem was resolved when Ranma planted the wiry fool upside-down in her normal desk, inviting him to take that one instead. That solution had the dual advantage of getting her point across that she would sit where she damn well pleased, as well as intimidating some of the guys who were considering flirting with their attractive new classmate.

During the actual lecture, Ranma tried to do some productive thinking rather than just mope around, but the only thing he could think of was making a plan to track down Kurama and either get revenge on her for trying to warp his mind, or make her reverse the process. The problem being, of course, that he couldn't think of Kurama for long without imagining her naked, which derailed any possibly productive thinking that might have otherwise occurred.  
_CRASH!_  
Everyone turned to the side, startled, as the wall adjacent to the hallway burst inward, and those closest to the sudden act of destruction had to cover their eyes as a wave of dust and debris showered over them.  
Ataru perked up immediately, and grinned. "Sham-chan! You came to-" _Thwok!_ Out from the dust emerged a colorful steel mace, which clocked Ataru squarely in the face and sent him tumbling to the floor.  
When the dust finally cleared completely, it revealed an annoyed Chinese Amazon, standing atop the rubble she had created while scanning the classroom.  
A quick look around told Shampoo that she had the attention of everyone in the classroom except for Ataru, who was still reeling, and a bored-looking red-haired girl, who she recognized as accompanying Ataru and the panda when she was chasing the group across the Orient.  
"You! Where Ranma?" the violet-haired girl demanded in her usual endearing sing-song voice.  
"Not here. Home sick," Ranma mumbled absently, trying to hold her stomach under control as she forced thoughts of Ataru's wandering hands into her mind.  
"Hmph. Why Ranma not around home or school when Shampoo look?" The Amazon said, pouting. "Is almost like he avoid Shampoo."  
"Wow. With THOSE detective skills, it's no wonder you managed to track us all the way to Japan," Ranma drawled, still not making eye contact with the Chinese girl, who at the moment was trying to see if she could set the redhead on fire with the power of her glare.  
The English teacher, tired of being ignored, finally slapped his desk with a ruler to try and get the intruder's attention. "Excuse me, miss, but we're in the middle of class," he said sharply, narrowing his eyes. "As lenient as the administration is with fighting and property damage, I cannot permit you to burst into this classroom and chat with your friend there when I have a lecture to give." The man's frown deepened. "Also, you're standing on Todoroki-san."  
Shampoo looked down, and saw that, true to the teacher's word, a teenage boy with dark hair was lying on his back, partially buried by the remains of the wall that she stood on top of.  
Daisuke, for his part, simply chuckled. "No, it's okay. Don't mind me," he said, enjoying the view up Shampoo's dress immensely as blood trickled down from his nose to mix with the blood that was caused by the flying debris.  
"Hmph. Fine. Ranma not here, so Shampoo go." As irritated as she was, sticking around Furinkan wouldn't solve anything, and taking out her frustration on people in the school, such as the dolt beneath her, would end up being more problematic than soothing.  
"Sucker," Ranma mumbled as her Chinese suitor left. Within moments those who had been knocked over from Shampoo's entry had set their desks back up, and the English teacher went back to lecturing, all ignoring the gaping hole in the classroom wall.  
All in all, it was just another typical day at Furinkan High.  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ah... lunch. My favorite class ever," Ataru said to himself as he stretched out underneath the large tree in the center of the grassy field that made up the East side of Furinkan's campus. It was the best spot in the entire school for him to eat lunch; not because he particularly enjoyed shade or grass, but because it was the sort of place that put chicks in the mood. Nothing helped his cause to cop a feel like a setting which kept the girl from paying any attention to him.  
The lecherous Saotome had just begun to unpack his lunch, when he heard a groaning sound above him. Looking up, he frowned as he saw Ranma stretched out atop a tree branch, looking absolutely miserable.  
"Hey 'Ranko'. What's the problem?" While Ataru knew that Ranma had been having a bad day in general, the redhead was looking particularly distressed, and there were no other girls around.  
Ranma looked down at her brother gloomily, then sighed. "I freaked out and left the house so quickly, I left behind my lunch."  
Ataru nodded somberly, entirely sympathetic with Ranma's plight. "I see. Most unfortunate, as you know damn well I'm not sharing mine." Well, maybe not **entirely** sympathetic.  
Ranma glared at him. "You know, with all the trouble and pain I go through on your behalf, one would think you'd be a little more grateful and generous toward me."  
"Only if one didn't know me," Ataru reasoned, eating one of the rice balls Kasumi had made for him whole. "Mmmmm... _Gulp!_ Oh yeah... that Kasumi is going to make a REAL fine wife some day."  
Ranma twitched, trying to keep thoughts of the eldest Tendo daughter from her mind. "Yeah, whatever. I've had better."  
"Aw, c'mon man!" Ataru said, wagging a chopstick at the redhead. "You have to admit she's a great cook! And she has one hell of a body!"  
Ranma twitched more violently. "Whatever. Let's talk about something else."  
"You know, since I'm engaged to Akane, maybe you should make a play for Kasumi, man!" Ataru said, redirecting his attention on his lunch. "I mean, she's home all the time taking care of her old man! You KNOW she's lonely! I'll bet it'd be easy! Just catch her when she's filling up the bath or something, and if you play your cards right, GACK!"  
Ataru began to choke as Ranma, face flushed red as her hair, wrapped her legs around his neck from behind, lifting the lecher into the air.  
"Don't... you... finish... that... thought..." Ranma hissed through clenched teeth, heedless as Ataru writhed more and more violently.  
"What are you two doing?"

Ranma immediately froze up upon hearing a feminine voice, which only caused her leg muscles to tense further, which caused Ataru to be choked even harder.  
Akane sweatdropped as she slowly walked up to the twins, deciding that she really didn't need to know the specifics of why Ranma was hurting her brother. If anyone was a fan of Ataru's suffering, it was her, after all.  
"Never mind. Ranma, why are you attending school as a girl today?" The short-haired girl asked, deciding to open up the conversation with a relevant and hopefully neutral topic.  
She became somewhat annoyed as Ranma just stared at her expectantly. "What's wrong with you?"  
Slowly, the redhead seemed to come to her senses, and shook her head as if to clear it. "Uh... nothing. Nothing's wrong," she said curiously, as if that in itself was strange and unusual.  
"Then why are you looking at me like that?" Akane asked, annoyed. She was also slightly disturbed by the fact that Ataru's eyes were rolling back into his head.  
"It's just... I'm... I'm not feeling anything at all," Ranma mumbled, apparently oblivious to the sudden weakening of Ataru's struggles. "I mean... wow. I guess... it seems I'm not even **remotely** attracted to you."  
_Thwack!_ Ranma grimaced as her skull impacted the tree she had been hanging from, grinding deep into the outer layer of bark and splintering the trunk beneath.  
"I can't believe you!" Akane seethed, her fist shaking after its sudden encounter with Ranma's head. "I come out here just to give you lunch and be nice to you, and you just insult me out of the blue like that!"  
"Yeah, okay. I'm sorry," Ranma mumbled as she rubbed her head, recognizing the complete lack of tact on her part. Then the rest of Akane's sentence caught up with her. "Wait, you're here to give me lunch? Why would you do that?"  
Akane crossed her arms over her chest and turned away angrily. "It's not my idea, all right? Kasumi gave me a lecture about the way I've been treating you this morning. Of course, you totally deserve it, but Kasumi isn't the type of person who thinks about that sort of thing. Still, I decided to apologize anyway. For her."  
Ranma stared expressionlessly at the short-haired girl. Or, more accurately, her back. (Akane was far too embarrassed at this point to look Ranma in the eye.) Then she kicked the insensate Ataru hard in the chest.  
_Hack! Cough! Gasp!_ "I'm alive! My heart is beating again! I was-"  
"Yeah, whatever, shut up," Ranma snapped. "Get a load of this: Akane made me lunch to apologize for being a jerk!"  
Ataru's own personal agony was immediately forgotten, and he jerked upright to stare at Akane. "Serious? No way! I demand proof!"  
"Look! She's got the lunch bag right in her hand!" Ranma pointed to the bento box hanging from Akane's trembling hand, wrapped in a pink cloth. "I guess Kasumi got on her case for always being a... well... you know."  
"Oh, yeah! I remember that! Wow, I guess it really got to you, huh Akane?"  
The youngest Tendo daughter didn't offer a response right away, although the fiery red glow that had engulfed her body did intensify sharply.  
"Hey, bro?" Ataru said weakly, still staring at Akane's back. "Did you suddenly feel a cold chill crawl down your spine? As if Death was standing right behind you, waiting for The End to come?"  
"Ataru, you're her fiance; if you're not used to it by now, your marriage years are looking kind of bleak." Then Ranma turned around, and glared at the black-cloaked figure standing behind Ataru who was checking the watch that hung loosely off of its skeletal wrist. "Although, seriously, you're NOT helping."  
"Hey, screw you buddy! I'd like to see you do this job!" The figure shouted, shaking its scythe at Ranma impotently before stomping off in a huff.

"Anyway, thanks for making me lunch Akane. I appreciate it," Ranma said amiably, snatching the wrapped-up bento box away before Akane could act on her building rage and take it back. "Oh, and apology accepted."  
"Super," Akane mumbled absently, distracted from the brutal murder of her fiance and prospective in-law only by the fantasized planning and rehearsal of said atrocity.  
Ranma unwrapped the box and sat down with it, placing the box in her lap before splitting her chopsticks apart.  
"Itadakimasu!" She said brightly, opening up the top of the box and fitting her utensils in her hand.  
"Wow! A home-cooked meal from Akane!" Ataru said excitedly, looking over Ranma's shoulder. "I tell ya, I'm actually... uh..." Ataru's face darkened considerably. "Erm... I'm... actually not as jealous as I was just a moment ago."  
"Huh. Not much for presentation, are ya?" Ranma said, scratching her head as she looked at the multicolored blobs that filled the lunch tray. Her face twisted slightly as she detected a powerful, unfamiliar odor. "And the aroma is... unusual. Smell is important to taste, you know."  
_Crack! Crack!_ Ranma sweatdropped as Akane loomed over her, her eyes glowing a bright, bloody red under the dark shadow cast by her hair as she cracked her knuckles.  
"ARE YOU GONNA EAT IT OR NOT?" Even though she wasn't shouting, Akane's voice seemed to boom in Ranma's ears, and she started to sweat slightly.  
"O-Of course I'm gonna eat it! Chill out, already!" Ranma said, trying to deny her fear by portraying annoyance.

Ataru gulped and started to crawl away backward, his superior survival instincts (which were not currently complicated by the presence of a hot babe) telling him that nothing good could come from close proximity to the two teenage girls.  
_Bump_  
"Oops, sorry," Ataru turned his head to apologize to who he had backed into, and then blinked when he realized that Death was once again standing behind him, staring at the scene of Akane standing over Ranma. "Huh? What're you doing back here? He said he was gonna eat it."  
"Well, yeah. And here I am. Again. Er, still." The apparition offered. "Such a shame. To go so young..."

Ranma's chopsticks hovered over the separated sections, wandering from item to item in search for something that was recognizable.  
However, when she did find an item she could name, she was less than pleased.  
"Huh. Why'd you put so much wasabi in here?" Ranma asked, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, there isn't even any sushi or sashimi... I think."  
Akane's lower jaw slid from side to side, creating a sickening grinding noise as she spoke. "That's zucchini, not wasabi."  
Ranma blinked. "Oh. It looks exactly like wasabi, though." _Sniff, sniff_. "Actually, it smells just like wasabi, too." Throwing caution to the wind, she scooped up a big wad of the dry, mushy zucchini and ate it, chewing only twice before swallowing. _Gulp!_ "I knew it! It even tastes like wasabi!" Ranma insisted, pointing her chopsticks accusingly at Akane.  
_Whump!_ Then she fell over backward, completely unconscious.

"Beep! Beep! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." Death, feeling obligated to provide his usual brand of dark humor, approximated the sound of a heart rate monitor as Ataru went pale in realization.  
"Ranma... RANMA! NO! RANMA, WAKE UP!" The young lecher shouted, panic beginning to overcome his senses. 'This can't be right, can it? My brother, the invincible fighter, the unstoppable Ninja, the world's most powerful martial artist, done in by bad cooking?'  
"In case you're wondering," Death said, seeing that Ataru was having trouble coming to terms with the irony of the situation, "yes, God does have a sense of humor, and yes, He is one sick bastard."  
"ERRRRGH!" Both Death and Ataru flinched back as Akane suddenly shouted, not expecting anger to be the first emotional response to this most recent turn of events. "I'm tired of you and you're sick melodrama! My food is NOT that bad!"  
Ataru sweatdropped. "Uh... Akane-chan... Ranma? Not moving? Death? Standing next to me? And you KNOW I don't have the attention span to plan a practical joke this complicated."  
"Shut up!" Akane growled. "And you! Get up already! You're not fooling anyone!" With that final demand, Akane raised her foot and stomped hard on Ranma's stomach.  
"BLEARGH!" Ranma's eyes shot open as a wad of unrecognizeable green slime burst from her mouth like a cannon shot, sailing into the air while she curled up on the ground, holding her stomach and coughing.  
"Ranma! You're alive! Thank whatever sadistic gods are responsible for Akane's temper!" Ataru cheered, before getting socked in the face by the aforementioned girl.  
Akane retracted her fist and crossed her arms under her breasts, looking smug. "See? I TOLD you the food didn't kill him."  
"Aw, c'mon! This is ridiculous! The soul was lingering! She should totally be dead!" Death insisted.  
Ranma spent a few more moments hacking over the grass, while tenderly rubbing the bruised mess that Akane had made out of her abdomen. "Oh man... that... that was NOT zucchini..."  
Akane frowned. "It wasn't? Uh... well, it was green, whatever it was. But that was only a side dish anyway. Try the teriyaki!"  
The redhead grimaced. "No way in hell. This lunch is an affront against food." Wrapping the box up in disgust, and ignoring Akane's enraged expression, she held out the box to Ataru as her twin brother stood up dizzily. "Ataru, this lunch must be purged. Arrange an exorcism, and then burn the remains."  
Ataru nodded. "I see. I'll have it done."  
"Oh, come on! You only tried one thing! And it wasn't THAT bad!" Akane protested angrily.  
"And what about me?" Death asked just as angrily.  
Ranma frowned at the apparition. "What ABOUT you? I'm not dead, so you're not needed. Shove off."  
"'Shove off'? Okay jerk, here's the deal: you don't die, I don't get paid. Do you know what the price for gas is nowadays? The least you can do is reimburse me for travel."  
Ataru sweatdropped. "You drive a car?"  
"Of course I drive a car," Death snapped irritably. "There's only one of me, you know. I have to handle all death all over the planet. Hell, there are three poor saps in North Korea that're due to keel over from hunger in two minutes; am I supposed to walk there?"  
_Crack! Snap!_  
"Not any more," Ranma said, tossing away the two broken femurs as Death collapsed onto the ground. "C'mon Ataru. We must cleanse this bento."  
Ataru nodded seriously and followed his brother-turned-sister, incidentally stepping on Death's arm as he passed.  
_Crunch!_ "Sweet Moses! What the hell is wrong with you people?"  
Akane fumed and followed the Saotome twins while loudly protesting their opinion of her lunch. She was distracted enough doing this that she didn't notice when Death's other arm broke apart underfoot.  
_Crack!_ "Oh, yeah. Fine. That's just swell. Right on the joint. Do you jerks have any idea how brittle a skeleton gets without ligaments?"  
The apparition waited for a moment, with no response. "Uh... jerks? Hello? Anybody there?" It waited some more, then let out a dusty sigh. "Man... I'd better get workman's comp for this."  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're doing this just to annoy me, aren't you?" Akane seethed as Ranma put on a set of ceremonial robes.  
The redhead shook her head. "No, but it's a nice bonus. Ataru, are you almost ready?"  
Ataru nodded and pulled down the metal torching mask over his face. Then he hefted a large flamethrower and pointed it at the bento box, which itself had been placed within a pentagram drawn with chalk.  
All around the three teenagers, various students were whispering to each other and staring at Ataru's latest misadventure, many of them wondering when Ranma was going to emerge to save the young lecher from the bossy redheaded girl.  
"Hmph! See if I ever cook for YOU again!" Akane snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.  
"Silence!" Ranma shouted, causing the other students to stop chatting and step back. "It has begun!"  
"Oh darling!"  
Ranma and Ataru both flinched badly when the sing-song voice rang out from above; Ataru by reflex, and Ranma because he had gotten used to being around Akane and had stopped thinking revolting thoughts to try and distract himself from women.  
Lum flew in a low arc to duck in through the front door to the cafeteria, and waved once she located Ataru (a simple task, as he was in the middle of the wide circle that had formed around him and Ranma). "Darling! Here I am! I brought you lunch just like I said!"  
"Aw, hell. I forgot about her," Ranma mumbled, back away as Lum approached swiftly. Then she realized that Ataru was putting the flamethrower down. "Hey, hey, hey! We're not done here! What're you doing?"  
"It's been a long day; lemme break for lunch," Ataru reasoned, waving Lum over.  
Ranma's left eye twitched. "You just HAD lunch. Unlike me."  
"'Aint my fault. Thanks, Lum-kins!" Ataru said happily, snatching away the bento box and quickly dodging Lum's attempt at a hug.

Holding their positions in the spectator circle centered around the kitchen malfunction, the young men of Furinkan High seethed quietly as they watched Ataru casually blow off Lum's gesture of affection while taking the lunch she had made.  
'What a jerk! Does he have any idea what we'd give for a kind gesture from Lum, never mind a homemade lunch?'  
They also didn't like the lecher's proximity and seeming familiarity with the chesty redheaded girl. Of course, none of them had any idea who she was, or why she didn't seem appalled by Ataru's very existence as most women were (Shinobu and Lum notwithstanding), but she was paying attention to Ataru and not them, and that was enough.  
'How the hell does a perverted, sex-changing creep like that get all the babes? It's not fair!'  
Last, and probably least, Furinkan's biggest lecher also obviously had some kind of relationship with Akane, despite her protests that they were strangers. Granted, all he got was negative attention, but it was still attention, while any other man would have been dismissed with a roll of the eyes and a swift kick. Akane hadn't even put as much effort into hating Kuno as she did Ataru, and so long as they were hurling accusations at him anyway, the young men didn't see any reason to stop just because it wasn't a relationship any of them envied.  
'Akane too! And he probably didn't even beat her in combat! Oh, he'll pay for putting his filthy hands on her! Well... more than he already has, anyway...'

Ataru tugged on his shirt collar as he unwrapped the bento, suddenly feeling uncomfortably warm. "Hey, Ran... er, Ranko, is it getting hot in here, or what?" He turned away as Lum tried to grab onto his arm, foiling her.  
"I think the PDAs are getting on people's nerves," Ranma said neutrally, idly thinking about how nice it would be to have a half-naked woman cuddling up next to her, too. 'No! Bad thoughts! Lum is Ataru's needy, unwanted, and lonely fiancee! ... Gah!'  
Ataru frowned for a moment, then smirked. "Ha! Well, that's too bad, huh? Not every guy who has a girlfriend to cook him lunch and bring it to him, huh?" He sat down, and then scooted over when Lum tried to sit next to him. "Thanks for the lunch, Lum. You can go away now."  
Ranma sweatdropped as she noticed the girls in the room begin to glow with violent, angry auras, while the boys' jealous auras grew even hotter. "Yeah... Ataru? Talking? Not a good idea right now."  
Taking a moment to wipe the collected sweat off his brow, Ataru put all other concerns behind him and lifted up the top of the bento box, his mouth already watering.  
"... Uh... Lum? You did say this was... curry chicken, right?" Ataru mumbled. Seeing Lum nod, he frowned. "I thought the curry part was supposed to be... you know, a **sauce**, not a powder spice. I mean, you said you used Kasumi's recipe, right? This doesn't look like hers does."  
Instead of being offended, Lum smirked and looked proud. "That's because my lunch is made with a wife's love for her dearest husband!" The alien chirped, causing every jealous male in the room to flinch violently, as if struck.  
"..." Ataru looked skeptical. "And love dries out the sauce?"  
Ranma slowly crept up to her brother, and lightly jabbed him in the back.  
"Ow! What did you-" Before he could continue, Ranma leaned forward to whisper in his ear.  
"Ataru. There are a lot of very upset people standing behind you waiting to lynch you for the very legitimate reason of you being a total jerk. I am not going to stop them. I suggest you shut up and try the stupid lunch."  
Ataru bigsweated, and became far more aware of the multitude of hot, hateful glares being aimed at his back. "R-Right. Sorry." He picked up the chopsticks and broke them apart, and then fit them in his hand.  
He was just about to select a reasonably unmolested piece of chicken to eat, when he heard a rattling noise behind him.  
Turning around, his eyes bugged out as he saw the skinny, pale-looking kid who Ranma had tossed around earlier dropping Death's armless and legless torso onto the floor.  
"Wh-What's THAT doing here?" Ataru asked shakily, pointing to the apparition, and addressing the young man who was carrying it.  
Hikaru Gosunkugi shrugged. "I'm not really sure. But it said that it needed me to carry it down here, quickly."  
"Don't mind me," Death said, being unusually civil and neutral for someone who had just recently lost all their major limbs. "Go on with what you were doing."  
Ataru slowly turned back toward his meal, and spent a moment staring at it. Then he slowly replaced the lid atop it. "You know what; I actually just had lunch, and I'm not really hungry. But I appreciate the thought, Lum."  
"SON OF A BITCH!" Death yelled on the floor, thus making the boys far less jealous and the girls far less angry that Ataru hadn't eaten Lum's food.

Lum pouted. "You think it's no good, don't you? You didn't even try it!"  
"What I don't try can't hurt me," Ataru reasoned, earning a far more dangerous expression from the alien princess.  
"You think it's THAT bad?" Lum said angrily, electricity sparking from her fingertips. "How do you know it's no good if you won't taste it?"  
"Can I just call it a hunch, or do I really have to explain the talking skeleton guy?" Ataru asked.  
Ranma wordlessly picked up the bento box, and then carried it over to the pentagram, placing it next to Akane's. Both boxes suddenly began to tremble violently on the ground, and several black arcs of lightning flared between the two lunches.  
"Wh-What's happening?" Akane asked, becoming more nervous by the unexpected reaction even as she became more annoyed by Ranma's overdramatic "prank".  
"Two such great sources of culinary evil cannot coexist in close proximity to each other for long. Being sealed in a closed system like the pentagram, the forces repelling the lunches becomes stronger. They are attempting to remove each other from existence." Ranma clasped her hands together, and then uncrossed them before putting one hand to her temple. "We must hurry and cleanse the over-spiced abominations."  
Ataru quickly put his mask back on, and struggled once more to heft the flamethrower. "Okay! I'm ready!"  
Ranma began making several more gestures as Akane and Lum fumed silently.  
"Power from beyond, great lord of feasts, picnics, the larger Tupperware (TM) containers, and club sandwiches, the good ones, with crisp, meaty bacon and the colored plastic-tipped toothpicks so that you don't accidentally try and eat them with the sandwich, bestow upon me your blessing, and allow my soul to become a vessel for your wholly organic power and vitamin-enriched might!"

Akane sweatdropped. "There's no way in hell this is a legitimate exorcism," she mumbled as Ranma went on to mumble more prayers about the evil spirits that lurk within diet soda and low-fat mayonnaise.  
Lum frowned. "But... if she's faking it, why is she glowing like that? And why are those shadowy things coming from darling's lunch?"  
"By Buddha's ultra-reflective scalp!" Cherry suddenly cried. "Can this truly be the legendary 'rite of the famished'?"  
"GWAAAAH!" Several teenagers jumped back in surprise at the outburst, horribly displeased by the monk's sudden presence.  
"Yo-You KNOW what they're doing?" Akane asked in disbelief. Realistically, a religious ceremony that came from Cherry was only slightly more credible than one from the Saotome twins, but it still shook the youngest Tendo that there was somebody watching the ceremony and not trying to contain laughter.  
"Of course!" the hideous monk said, mesmerized by the sight of the ceremony. "It's an ancient ritual passed down through generations of traveling chefs of the legendary Sakumon-Go cooking style! The ceremony is said to be able to bring nutrition to the most processed and deep-fried fast food, and explosive flavor to the most horribly bland or bitter dish! It is one of the holiest rites among those who live for food!"  
"That explains why YOU know about it..." Akane mumbled, trying desperately to wrap her mind around the fact that such a religious rite existed before she took on the momentous strain of contemplating how both Ranma and Ataru knew it well enough to perform it.  
Cherry nodded. "Yes, yes! This is a valuable experience! Only once before, in all my years of traveling and eating, have I seen this rite performed!"

"-And let perish that nasty flavored powder they put on Doritos to add flavor, bestowing upon our empty stomachs a blessing of extra salt and fresh salsa! Culinary abominations, begone!" Ranma thrust her hand toward the two lunches, which by now had sprouted shadowy arms that clawed ferociously at the barrier erected by the pentagram. "Ataru! Finish it!"  
"Aye-aye!" The lecher said gleefully.

"... Huh. Strange. I don't actually remember there being a flamethrower involved in the ceremony," Cherry mumbled, scratching his bare head. "I mean, that's the kind of thing you'd think you'd remember. A flamethrower. You know, because it's kind of unusual that-"  
"Yeah, okay. We get it," Lum said leadenly, none too happy at seeing the lengths her fiance had to go to destroy the lunch she had made.  
"So, which is worse," Akane mumbled bleakly, "the fact that they actually did this whole ceremony in order to battle with our lunches... or the fact that our lunches seem to be winning?"

"They're too strong!" Ataru shrieked. "No good! No good! They're breaking through the barrier!"  
"What! Aren't you using the blessed flamethrower fuel?" Ranma shouted in alarm, charging up her ki to help.  
"You mean you were serious? They actually have blessed flamethro-OH FRACK! THEY'RE COMING!"  
"NO! LOOK OUT!" Ranma cried, leaping forward as a dark hand emerged from the floor and crept toward Ataru's throat.  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinobu frowned as she watched students run screaming out of the cafeteria, and then sighed deeply.  
"Well, now I know where Ataru is." It seemed lately that all the mild weirdness that used to haunt Akane had been pushed into the background to make room for the mind-blowing weirdness that regularly assaulted the Saotome twins. Unfortunately, making them easy to locate was the only positive side effect.  
Taking a deep breath to help steel herself against whatever horror or humiliation laid in wait on the other side of the door, she prepared to charge into the cafeteria and confront her boyfriend's latest problem.  
She didn't get the chance, as said boyfriend suddenly emerged from the cafeteria himself, severely charred and talking to the busty redheaded girl from earlier.  
"Well I'm SORRY, okay? I thought you were being sarcastic. I asked if I should buy a set of holy silverware, and you said, 'yeah, and while you're at it, pick up some blessed flamethrower fuel, will ya?' Cut me some slack!"  
"But you DID buy the holy silverware," Ranma snapped, "and right in front of me. Of course, then you went and tainted them right away."  
"That's because I didn't know you were being sarcastic when you suggested eating at the Macaroni Grill! It's not my fault you have the same deadpan voice whether you're lying or being serious! And how often is it that you encourage my pyromania?"

Shinobu sweatdropped heavily as the pair passed by her, still arguing vehemently enough that Ataru didn't even notice her presence.  
A moment later, just as she was about to try and get Ataru's attention, Lum and Akane emerged from the double-doors leading to the cafeteria, both of them showing far less energy. Lum hair was wet with a thick, dark substance that Shinobu could only assume was some type of sauce, and had scorch marks all over her skin. Akane didn't look to have suffered any physical harm, but had clumps of mashed potatoes stuck to various parts of her uniform.  
"Uhm... excuse me?" Shinobu asked hesitantly. "What just happened here?"  
The two Saotomes jerked to a halt as they noticed Shinobu, and they both turned toward her.  
"Oh! Uh..." Ataru hesitated as he thought of the best way to describe the incident without offending Akane (who he wanted to date) or Lum (who wouldn't hesitate to turn him into a lightning rod with the slightest provocation at this point).  
Ranma had no such qualms, nor was she interested in holding her tongue for the sake of tact. "These two morons tried to kill us with what passes for a meal when your brain is the size of a chickpea," she said mercilessly, jabbing a thumb at the two teenage girls behind her. "The result was a cross between a food fight and a Final Fantasy boss encounter."  
_Brzzt!_ Lum's electric field started to spark as her rage increased tenfold. "What... did... you... say?" She snarled through clenched teeth.  
"You have a lot of nerve..." Akane seethed, her battle aura causing the potatoes still stuck on her to bubble and melt off onto the ground.  
Ranma was unimpressed by the display, although Ataru slowly took several steps away from him. Before hiding behind Shinobu. In the fetal position. While whispering prayers for salvation.  
"A lot of nerve to do what? State the obvious?" The readhed said nonchalantly. "There's no way you can mess up a meal THAT badly unless there's something wrong with you. Yeah, sure, there are some dolts who screw up trying to boil water. But you have to be some sort of genetically altered super-idiot to totally ruin a simple recipe, and then actually try and FEED it to someone. Don't you have any pride in your cooking? It's disgusting!"  
Shinobu joined Ataru in offering prayers to the higher powers as she clutched her boyfriend in terror, an act he would have greatly enjoyed if he wasn't so busy being scared out of his wits.  
Ranma glanced at the two discouraged women as their auras turned from red to black. "Aw, what's the matter? Did I hurt your feelings? Does it sting, on the inside? Just like your food?" Then she pointed to Lum as the alien slowly raised her arms in preparation to summon the mother of all lightning strikes. "I really wouldn't do that if I were you."  
"SHUT UP AND DIE, YOU LITTLE-" Lum's swiftly building electric field suddenly sent a shower of sparks into the thick, gelatinous substance that was still stuck in her hair, and the space oni's eyes widened as her emerald mane suddenly lit ablaze. "WAAAAAAAAAAUGH! SOMEBODY HELP! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!"  
Turning away from the flying fire hazard, Ranma regarded Akane, who had a gigantic mallet in her hands that had spikes on it like a meat tenderizer. "And I wouldn't do that if I were **you**."  
Akane ignored her and swung the mallet back over her head in preparation to swing. Then she hesitated as she watched Lum zip across in front of her, waving her arms wildly with her hair still on fire.  
"Uh... why wouldn't you do this, exactly?" Akane mumbled.  
Ranma just raised an eyebrow at her, causing the youngest Tendo to twitch in irritation.  
Finally, Akane dropped her hammer. "Okay, fine. Have it your way."  
"I realize that instead of giving you useful, reasonable criticism, I'm just throwing hateful insults that don't help you at all," Ranma said condescendingly, crossing her arms over her abundant chest, "but you have to weigh that against the fact that your cooking nearly killed me, and that making you miserable makes **me** happy."  
Akane grit her teeth. "Oh, please! 'Useful criticism' from YOU? Like you could even do better!"  
"..." Ranma flinched, as if slapped.  
"..." Ataru stopped shaking, and his jaw dropped.  
"..." Shinobu bit her lip nervously as the balance of cold rage suddenly shifted.  
"Water! Fire extinguisher! Anything! Why won't you people HELP ME!" Lum flew wildly through the air, being that she was still on fire, and didn't know where the pool was on the campus.  
Ranma twitched, and slowly stomped up to Akane, her eyes narrowed into slits. "... So. You wanna say that again?"  
Akane frowned, suddenly feeling queasy as the entire situation shifted without her knowing why. "Uh... well... you couldn't do... MUCH better..." She began to get nervous as Ataru started glaring at her too. Had she crossed some line she was not aware of? But that was silly, right? All she had done was insinuate Ranma's lack of cooking skills. That wasn't a big deal, was it?  
She began to think harder on that point as the redhead suddenly brought her face very close, so that their noses were almost touching.  
"Really? You don't think so? And you're basing this on WHAT, exactly?" Ranma said in a cold, deadly tone that sent shivers down Akane's spine.  
"W-Well... uh... you spent a lot of time out in the wilderness..." Akane stumbled over her words as she tried to rationalize her comment. "And you're, uh... well, you're a guy. Usually, anyway. Your curse doesn't give you feminine skills or anything, does it?"  
Ranma glanced behind her to see who had been listening to the revelation that she was male. She nodded in satisfaction as she saw that Lum was still on fire, and that Shinobu had finally taken pity on the alien and was busy directing her to the pool to put herself out. Then she turned back to Akane.  
"'Feminine skills'? That's a riot, coming from a chick that specializes in the 'masculine skill' of beating people up!"  
Akane clenched her teeth. "What, are you saying women can't do martial arts?"  
"Are you saying men can't cook?" Ranma countered.  
Akane fumed for a moment, and then backed off. "Okay, fine! If you really can cook a decent meal, prove it!"  
"Oh, we'll more than prove it..." Akane turned around in surprise as she heard Ataru's voice.  
"Wha? 'We'?"  
Ataru clenched one hand into a fist as tears streamed down his cheeks. "I can see you're confused, Akane-chan... but you see, by insulting Ranma's cooking, whether in ignorance or in jest, you've challenged his honor just as surely as if you called him a Jackie-Chan wannabe!" Ataru sniffled dramatically. "Or if you made fun of his pigtail. Anyway, by mocking his cooking skills, so too have you challenged my own, for-"  
"Wait, wait, wait," Akane said, shaking her head. "Hold it. He's sensitive about his hair?"  
"That's not important!" Ranma shouted, shoving Ataru onto the ground. "If you want to see just how pitiful your cooking is compared to mine, then I challenge you to a contest!"  
Akane blanched. "A... c-cooking contest?" She gulped as she tried to think of a good way to refuse without embarrassing herself.  
"Hmph. Not against YOU," Ranma said snidely. "I wouldn't insult myself by putting my cooking up against kitchen sewage. The challenge is THIS:" the redhead pointed at Akane, causing the black-haired girl to step back in surprise. "You acquire the best meal you can manage to find; a special dish from Kasumi, good restaurant take-out, a full-course meal from a professional world-class chef, whatever. Then me and Ataru will prepare a better meal the next day."  
Akane glanced at Ataru in surprise. 'What? Ataru's involved in this too? But that moron can't do anything!'  
"Your own family will be the judge," Ranma continued, "so if anything, the judging will be in your favor. The losers of the contest must foot whatever expenses come from preparing both meals, and buy meals for the winners for a week."  
Akane swallowed nervously as the redhead stuck out her hand for her to shake. 'Should I do it? I mean, it's not like my own pride is on the line. He's not even giving me that chance. There has to be a good reason he's acting like this; maybe he really is an amazing chef. And really, I could solve this whole problem and we could all just move on with our lives if I just apologized...'  
At that point, the portion of Akane's brain that was responsible for her aggressive responses in the face of any given stimuli reasserted itself, and easily squashed the few cells that were promoting calm, rational thought. 'APOLOGIZE! To that bastard?'  
Her eyes narrowed as she looked at Ranma. "You just made a big mistake, Saotome," Akane said seriously, clasping the redhead's hand.  
Ranma frowned at this, then clicked her tongue. "You're right. With how competitive you are, I probably could've gotten free meals for life, rather than a week. Really, you'd have agreed to anything, huh?"  
"Don't get too cocky!" Akane growled. "Maybe you are a better cook than me! Maybe you're even a really good cook! But Kasumi's specialty will blow you out of the water!" With that, the youngest Tendo daughter turned away in a huff, her thoughts a turbulent ocean of rage, trepidation, and anticipation.

Ranma smirked. "Well Ataru, it looks like we'll be teaming up once again. It's been a long time."  
The lecher nodded, smirking. "Poor Akane-chan... she has no idea what she's dealing with. Of course, if she has trouble paying her losses, I can always accept 'alternative payments'." Ataru snickered for a split second before Ranma smacked him upside the head.  
"Sick fantasies later. Planning now. She said Kasumi was going to prepare her specialty. We need to figure out what kind of dish that is so we can plan one with... uh..."  
The redhead frowned. "Hey... do you get the feeling that we're... well... forgetting about something? Or someone?"  
Ataru looked toward the cafeteria. "Well, that skinny geek you tossed around in first period is hauling Death this way again. Is that it?"  
Ranma scratched her head. "No... not quite... I think it's..." then she turned completely around, and pointed toward Lum. "Ah. I see you put the fire out."  
Indeed, the alien princess was now soaking wet rather than blazing, with her normally emerald-green hair much shorter than it had been, with the ends charred black. She had several burns all over her body, which was exposed even more than normal, as she had lost her bra at some point while putting the fire out. Ranma also noticed, with slight trepidation, that her horns had sharpened and elongated, turning from a pair of cute bumps to needle-sharp spikes.  
Beads of sweat started rolling down Ranma's brow as thick ribbons of lightning curled around Lum's body. Not only was the display impressive enough to make her nervous, but it even distracted his thoughts from the fact that Lum was using both arms to build up her lightning charge rather than, say, cover up her exposed breasts. 'Wow. She must be REALLY pissed!' "Hey, Ataru? I'm gonna go grab some hot water. At twice the speed of sound. Could you distract her or some... thing..." She trailed off as Ataru dove into the bushes, and started scrambling away on his hands and knees. "Uh oh."

Death sighed as Ranma dodged the initial volley of lightning bolts and got enough acceleration going to speed away from the main field. Although Lum was hot on her trail, the spectre from beyond had no illusions about Lum finally finishing off the gender-changing martial artist.  
"Damn. Those brats cheated me again. And I don't think my HMO covers limb re-assembly." Death gazed down upon the teenage boy who was carrying it upon his back. "Alright shrimp, I've still got a quota to cover. We're goin' to Korea. Move it."  
Gosunkugi blanched. "Bu-But I can't! I mean, I have-" _Thonk!_  
Death clubbed his forehead against that back of Gosunkugi's skull. "Shut your pie hole and get moving. And make sure to grab my scythe on the way out. You have a driver's license?"  
"N-No," the pale, skinny boy stuttered.  
"I guess you'll be paying bus and air fare, then. Get a move on, shorty." _Thonk!_  
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Akane slammed the door hard behind her as she stomped into the living room, still fuming over the day's events.  
'Stupid sex-changing freak! I was trying to be nice to him for once, and he has the nerve to do something like that? Well, I'll show him a thing or two...'  
"Ah, there you are Akane."  
Akane stopped fuming momentarily, and stumbled slightly as she barely avoided stomping right into Nabiki. "Huh? What is it?"  
The middle Tendo daughter regarded her younger sister with the a lax, bored expression that gave Akane the distinct idea that Nabiki was simply reading lines from a script, rather than actually having a conversation. "I heard there was a pretty dramatic fiasco down in the cafeteria today. Something about exorcizing evil spirits in bad cooking. Your work?"  
"No!" Akane shouted in protest, angry that Nabiki would work out such a conclusion when she obviously lacked the details.  
Nabiki, for her part, just raised an eyebrow.  
"Er... well, not entirely..." the youngest Tendo daughter amended lamely.  
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Uh huh. Well, I know it wasn't cooking class, since they banned you last year; so where did you find a kitchen that would let you in a twenty-meter radius?"  
At that moment, just when Akane thought her face couldn't get any redder from the humiliation, Kasumi descended the stairs and noticed her sisters talking in the living room.  
"Oh, Akane! I've been meaning to talk to you!" Kasumi's normal smile became a bit shaky. "While it's okay to use the kitchen once in a while for small projects, Akane, you should learn to clean up after yourself!"  
Akane's face got redder from humiliation. "Uh... yeah. Sorry. It's just that... I needed to make it before school... and when I finished, I was already late..."  
This caught Nabiki's attention. "Huh? Why did you need to get it ready so fast? If you want to make yourself lunch, you could have started earlier."  
Akane twitched. "It was... SUPPOSED to be... an apology... to Ranma. You know, 'cause you said I was being mean to him, Kasumi."  
"... Ooh..." Nabiki sweatdropped.  
"... Oh my..." Kasumi paled.  
Akane's face darkened. The results were THAT obvious to them?  
"I take it the apology was not accepted?" Nabiki deadpanned. "At least, not willingly?"  
"Oh no... oh dear..." Kasumi began to fret. "Is Ranma-kun's condition very bad? He didn't slip into a coma, did he? Oh my, he already looked very unhealthy this morning with that fever. Which hospital is he staying in?"  
Akane twitched again. "He's NOT in a hospital. Other than his disposition, he's fine. And, if I may say so, he didn't look very sick when I met him for lunch."  
"So you took it upon yourself to change that. Same old Akane." Nabiki sighed. "Oh well. At least the fiasco's already over and done with."  
Akane twitched some more. "Uhm... yeah... about that..."

(One long and embarrassing explanation later...)

Soun nodded grimly. "I see. A cooking competition. Who would have thought?"  
"You should have stuck to martial arts, Akane. Even if Ranma's ten times better, at least it's something you're good at, and you might have been able to negotiate a handicap or something," Nabiki advised, munching on a cracker while glancing at Genma, who had been sitting quietly the whole time.  
Kasumi clapped her hands together, looking extremely pleased. "I think it's wonderful that Ranma-kun and Ataru-kun can cook! It's a far more practical skill than martial arts. Oh! Maybe we could swap recipes!"  
Akane twiddled her fingers nervously as her family openly discussed the Saotome twins' newly discovered talent. "So... Kasumi?"  
The Tendo homemaker's pleased expression suddenly became strained. While slightly airheaded, Kasumi knew damn well where this was heading.  
"I was... you know... just wondering if you could make your special dish? For my end of the contest?" Akane clasped her hands together and bowed low to her sister. "With your special ham and onions sukiyaki and spicy shrimp yakisoba, they won't have a chance!"

Nabiki shook her head to clear it when she saw what appeared to be a vein popping up on Kasumi's head. That was ridiculous, right? 'Then again, she did chew Akane out this morning for bad-mouthing Ranma...'  
This set Nabiki off on a tangent. Was it possible that Kasumi had a thing for Ranma? 'I can't imagine that she does... he's definitely not her type. But... even so...' Nabiki had no problem admitting that Ranma was incredibly attractive. He was muscular, lean, strong, hard-working (if one didn't consider his schoolwork), and smart (again, if one didn't consider his schoolwork). Even his bitter and cynical attitude had a brash honesty and wit that turned her on (though for her, the bitterness and cynicism itself turned her on too).  
Really, if Nabiki had to name the two major obstacles keeping her from snatching Ranma for herself, it was that he didn't take his education seriously, which would hurt his future earnings potential, and that he turned into a girl, which didn't freak her out nearly as much now that her family had a bikini-clad, lightning-slinging alien ogre hanging around all the time.  
'But... come on... Ranma's violent and rude and young. Unless Kasumi secretly has a thing for those types... but that's silly! She and Tofu have this... thing... going on. Don't they?'  
Nabiki's brow furrowed in contemplation as Akane begged Kasumi more humbly for help, even getting on her hands and knees.  
'Then again, Akane totally has a thing for Tofu, and she's violent and rude and young... there's something to be said for opposites attracting...'

Kasumi sighed wearily. "Akane, please. You know that dish is expensive and that our finances are tight."  
"That's the best part!" Akane exclaimed. "After we crush them in the contest, Ranma has to take care of the bill!"  
Akane didn't pick up on the way Kasumi's eyebrow twitched, but Nabiki definitely got the impression that her little sister wasn't getting much sympathy for her case.  
"Akane, please, be reasonable. Whatever mean things Ranma said about your food, he did try it first, and you did insult his cooking without even doing that much."  
Akane blanched. "What? I didn't insult his cooking! I just said he probably couldn't do better than me!"  
"Well, ouch," Nabiki mumbled. "Even **I** would be upset if someone said that to me!" Perhaps Nabiki couldn't cook a single dish, and didn't exactly take pride in the fact that she could successfully prepare a basic cup of instant ramen, but she considered having her work in the kitchen compared to Akane's being more an issue of intelligence than skill.  
"It's not fair!" Akane whined. "Why are you taking HIS side?"  
Kasumi sighed again. "Akane, we're not taking his side. No matter whose side we're on, and no matter how immature Ranma-kun was being, it was foolish to accept such a challenge. Now, no matter how this turns out, someone's going to be humiliated for nothing." The eldest Tendo daughter shook her head. "All right, then. I suppose I'll do my best to help you."  
"REALLY!" Akane squealed, clasping her hands together.  
"Yes. However, if I'm going to judge it too, I'm going to do so fairly. Even if it's my dish, I won't cheat Ranma-kun."  
Akane was about to shower her older sister with thanks and praise, when suddenly, a leaden sigh from the other end of the table seemed to draw everyone's attention.  
Genma grimaced and put his tea down, shaking his head. "Kasumi, it's really best you not get involved in this. For your own sake."  
"What? But why, Saotome?" Soun asked. "Or do you want your son to win?"  
Genma snorted and pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Please, Tendo. Needless to say, no matter how great the loss from his challenge, I won't spare a single yen to help Ranma out a hole he dug himself..."  
Everyone else in the room sweatdropped. 'Geez, some father...'  
"Not that I'll have to, in this case. You don't know what you're getting yourself into."  
Akane felt an overwhelming sense of dread overcome her as Genma's eyes bored into her own. "What? You... You can't... You're not serious, right? You really think they could beat Kasumi?"  
Genma crossed his arms over his chest, and began to rub his chin, transitioning smoothly into "contemplative story" mode. "Ranma and Ataru are like oil and water; opposites in nearly every sense of the word. In temperament, morals, attitude, sex drive, hobby, intelligence, and devotion. However, there is one thing, and only one thing, that unites them as one and, indeed, makes them truly of the Saotome line!"  
"Lousy grades?" Nabiki guessed, startling everybody with the interjection.  
"... There are two things, and only two things, that unite them as one and, indeed, make them truly of the Saotome line!" Genma corrected shamelessly, not about to let Nabiki's comment ruin the drama. "Their love of food!"  
Soun paled. "You... You mean?"  
"Yes," Genma said somberly. "On the road, with no women around, and only my lousy cooking to sustain them, it was only a matter of time before they took the next logical step and began to experiment in survival cooking. At first I was against it, as it took valuable time away from martial arts training, but it was the only kind of training I could actually get Ataru to participate in, so I let it run its course. But there was no way I could've known how far it would go!"  
Nabiki frowned and scratched her head. "Survival cooking, huh? I suppose that would involve catching wild game and making a decent meal out of them? Doesn't seem like a great basis for real cooking."  
"It wasn't, and Ranma and Ataru failed every attempt at domestic cooking. But they didn't give up. Until one day, they met a traveling master of the Sakumon-Go school of cooking, the Master of 1,000 Ladles, Geni Sakurazaka!"  
Soun looked aghast. "My God!"  
"You've heard of him?" Akane asked breathlessly.  
"No! But such an impressive title! 'Master of 1,000 Ladles'!"  
_Thud!_ The Tendo sisters facefaulted, and Genma took that as his cue to continue.  
"Thanks to my efforts, the boys were apprenticed to Sakurazaka, and-"  
"Whoa, wait, hold on," Nabiki mumbled. "What kind of efforts? I thought you didn't care about cooking."  
Genma sweatdropped. "Well... uhm... okay... the truth is... well... I sort of thought that Sakurazaka's school was a martial arts school, not a cooking school. So when I met him, I challenged him to a duel, and asked that if I win, he would teach his school's secrets to my sons." The bald half-panda scratched his head. "Come to think of it, I wondered why he immediately turned his back to me and started setting up a grill, but hey, an opening's an opening, right?"  
Akane sweatdropped. "So you beat him up, and forced him to teach Ranma and Ataru?"  
"Hmph! After I found out that he was a cook, not a warrior, I offered to let the apprenticeships slide in exchange for a few good meals, but the old fool saw something he liked in Ranma and Ataru, and held up his end of the bargain."  
Genma seemed slightly frustrated as he continued. "They took off for a month, and when they came back, they had... changed. No longer was dinner the simple act of gathering mushrooms or roasting a fish. Now every meal was a ritual, a carefully planned and executed assault on the ingredients that dominated the taste buds and satisfied to the end!" Though the portly martial artist was drooling at this point, he wiped away the saliva. "Unfortunately, these rituals took so much time and preparation, there was no way I could allow them to continue it, no matter how much I missed their cooking. I guess since then they've fallen out of practice a bit, but together, Ranma and Ataru are still a match for a Sakumon-Go master chef. No meal prepared by mere mortals-no offense, Kasumi-can compete with their expertise. It's impossible."  
Akane looked shaken by the explanation. "So... you're saying I should just... give up?"  
"No, no!" Genma said quickly. "I'm just saying, keep the meal cheap, since you have no chance of winning. But don't call off the contest. It's been a long time since I've had their cooking." He licked his lips in anticipation as Akane fell down in a heap.  
"Wh-What am I gonna doooo?" Akane whined. "Saotome-san's the only one who's tried Ranma's cooking, and he's already tried Kasumi's, so he's the only one who can compare!"  
Nabiki frowned. "Wait a minute. Even if they are 'Sakugo masters' or whatever, aren't they still only trained in survival cooking? Roasting rabbits and fish over an open fire can't compare to a home-cooked meal in a normal kitchen!"  
Genma nodded. "True. But a true master of cooking is also a master of adaptation and improvisation, which are also tenets of the Anything-Goes school of martial arts! I can guarantee you that Ranma and Ataru have a recipe to take full advantage of the best ingredients and utensils they can get their hands on, no matter what the situation."  
"Then... Then it really is hopeless?" Akane asked in disbelief.  
"Yes," Genma said bluntly. "But again, don't call the contest off. And if you could, get them to make a Thai dish, would you? Haven't had that in a long time..."  
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"Oh... what am I gonna do?" Akane mumbled as she lifted her weights in the dojo. "I really don't stand a chance without outside help... but if Kasumi isn't good enough, who IS?"  
In reality, Akane had still been gunning for Kasumi to be her entry, but to her horror, the eldest Tendo daughter retracted her agreement to help, citing that her specialty was a dish for celebratory occasions, and not to be used for petty competitions. Which was perfectly reasonable, but Akane couldn't help but think Kasumi was a bit intimidated by what Genma had said, for her to change her mind after the fact.  
Her only options left were her friends, who were years behind Kasumi's level of skill, and a professional, which would have caused the potential losses incurred by the contest to skyrocket, and still wouldn't guarantee a victory.  
"So I have to acquire the ultimate dinner. NOT my specialty," Akane admitted to herself, dropping the dumbbells. "Damn! I'm out of options!"  
"Well, if it's options you want..."  
Akane whirled around at the voice, settling into a fighting stance. She relaxed only slightly when she saw it was Lum, who was leaning on the dojo door jam and smirking at her. "Oh, hi Lum. What's up?" Her tone was neutral. Even though she liked Lum, and considered the alien's arrival a blessing, Lum wasn't nearly so fond of her, as Akane made no effort to hide her disgust and hatred for Ataru, who likewise openly lusted after her.  
"I heard everything," Lum said smoothly, still smirking. "I think I can help."  
Akane sighed. "Look, Lum-chan, I appreciate it, really, and I believe me when I say that I can empathize, but your cooking is even worse than mine. There's no way you can beat Ranma and Ataru."  
A vein popped up on Lum's head. "HEY! How do you know it's worse? Nobody even tried it!" She growled.  
"True, but your dish took three incantations, a hand grenade, and the flamethrower to vanquish. Mine only took the flamethrower and a box of baking soda," Akane explained calmly.  
"Yours still did more damage!" Lum accused, clenching her teeth.  
Akane sighed. "Whatever. It doesn't really matter. Was that all you wanted to say?"  
Lum's scowl faded. "No. I didn't say **I** was going to cook a meal to put against Ranko and darling. But I know the perfect chef to do just that."  
Akane perked up. "Really? But... wait... I thought you liked Ataru?"  
"Of course I do!" Lum said defensively. "That red-headed floozy dragged him into this, and for that I can't forgive her! And she insulted me and the lunch I made for my beloved, with all my love! She's as bad as Ranma!"  
Akane sweatdropped. 'I can't tell her. She'd crack.' "So, you're going to help me?"  
Lum grinned and nodded. "Yes! Let's put that girl in her place." She reached out with her hand, which Akane clasped eagerly.  
"I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship..."

End Chapter 7


	8. Now we're Cooking with Plutonium!

"Hello again, and welcome to the latest installment of Hopeless Filler!" Black Dragon said amiably, hands clasped behind his back.  
"Pst! It's called 'Jusenkyou Theatre'!" Someone whispered from off-stage.  
"Misnomers, my friend. Anyhow, in this edition, once again I couldn't think of anything vaguely plot-related, so I thought I'd entertain you by answering some of your foolish, pointless questions.  
"Of course, the question I get most often is: 'You're twenty-one and you've never had a girlfriend?' However, that question is stupid and irrelevant to my writing, so I'll stick with the second most popular query: 'Where do you get your humor?' You might notice that this question is likewise pretty stupid and ultimately irrelevant. Shut up about it."  
BD unclasped his hands and pointed to the audience. "While it's obvious to many people, my jokes come from a medley of popular culture parodies and over-saturation of cliches. I learned early on that if you do something cliche, and then admit it's cliche, it suddenly ceases being cliche and becomes fresh and clever. It's dumb, but it's true. Look at that whole 'Dr. Deth' bullsmack from Guardian; if one didn't know about the long line of villains from James Bond films with conveniently devious-sounding names who hatch half-baked plans for world domination while never properly disposing of the hero when they have the chance, then the whole thing really strikes you as being stupid."  
Then the author shrugged. "Some of the other jokes are stolen directly from the funniest media I can think of at the time when I'm writing. This is mostly late at night, when I find I can't get to sleep because I was drinking cola at ten o'clock PM."  
BD gestured to a projector set-up in the corner. "Here are a number of 'outtakes', if you will, consisting of jokes removed because they were too blatantly ripped off from other sources, or too cliche to be not cliche, or not quite cliche enough such that they WERE cliche, or whatever. Do not E-mail me about them. Ever. Or I will reach out from my dark, cybernetic computer-lair and devour any smaller pets you may have. Seriously guys, I don't wanna hear it."  
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"And the hapless villagers said to the Iron God on high, yea, hold the sides of bread, for tonight we dine low-carb!" Ranma intoned carefully, making quick, arcane-looking gestures with her hands.  
"Yes! I hear it! I feel it!" Ataru said reverently. "In the name of all that's good and salty, kick it up a notch!"  
"And the bastard demon Atkins, may his rolls of fat rot in the muddy trench where he was buried, appeared before our Lord, tempting the Iron One with high-fat substitutions and plates of plain, tasteless greens!"  
"Preach it broth-uh-sister! Sing it!"  
Ranma raised her hands in the air. "And the Iron One cast him down, striking down the beast from yea on high with a spork of light, such that never again should the poor fools ever be tempted from their balanced, healthy diet, complete with an indulgent but not gluttonous array of sugars and salts!"  
"Wham!"

Akane's left eye twitched. "I swear to God, if somebody doesn't stop them I'm going to kill them both right now."  
Hiroshi jabbed Daisuke in the side, then whispered in his ear. "Hey, you wanna throw some Spam in front of them and see if they freak out?"  
"HELL yes!"  
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"Sweet God, that was humiliating," Min said irritably as she held Ranma's jacket closed over her naked torso. "That little freak actually took my clothes off! Ugh! I've never been so embarrassed in my life!"  
Ranma shrugged. "You think that was embarrassing? Remember that after-school party last week where that guy spiked the punch?"

(Flashback sequence)

"Hey e'erbody! Hic! Take a look a' 'is!" Min mumbled as she shakily climbed onto one of the many plastic tables, showing none of the dexterity and grace befitting of a proper shinobi. "Dis is great! Jus' watch!"  
Slowly standing to her feet, Min's flushed red cheeks suddenly expanded with air, and she had to keep from giggling as she raised a single, glowing finger up to her lips.  
"Urp!" _Fwoom!_  
There was scattered applause and cheering from around the room as Min appeared to belch a thin stream of bright fire, and the Ninja girl grinned as she swayed back and forth.  
"Urp!" _BWOOSH!_ From across the room, Ranma suddenly convulsed and vomited a purple fireball, which proceeded to fly across the room without the limitation of being anchored to its source.  
_Kablam!_ "AAAUGH! MY HAIR! MY HAIR HAS BEEN LIT AFLAME!" A random Furinkan student screamed in agony as his head was consumed by dark fire, and Min frowned.  
Pouting, the Ninja girl turned and pointed at Ranma. "Dammit Yagami... do ya hafta show e'eryone else up at e'erything?"  
Ranma twitched and held his stomach in pain as his face turned bright red. "I didn't... do that... on purpose... stomach... hurts..." Then he convulsed again.  
"Urp!" _Kablam!_  
"NOOO! IT BURNS LIKE A THOUSAND SUNS!"  
"Hic!" _FWOOSH!_  
"TELL MY MOM I LOVE HER! AAARGH!"  
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"Ha ha ha! At last! Now you're at MY mercy!" Alexandra cackled as Ranma and Sakura were thrown down in front of her, both of them thoroughly bound in steel cables.  
"How could you! You won't get away with this!" Sakura vowed as tears streamed from her eyes. Ranma remained silent, glaring at the buxom archvillainess.  
Still chuckling, Alex grabbed hold of Sakura's chin and lifted it up as the terrorist cronies that had brought them backed off. "Oh... but I already have. And now all that remains is to dispose of you two." Then she turned away. "But first-"  
"Aw, damn it all, there's always a 'but first'," Ranma mumbled ruefully.  
"_Ahem!_ To tell you the details of my grandiose plan to conquer Japan, once and for all!" Alex said, spreading her arms wide above her.  
"No, please, don't. We don't care," Ranma said miserably. "Can't you just shoot us now and be done with it?"  
Alex glared at the pigtailed man. "Hmph! Fine! If you've prepared yourself to die... Bei! Bring in Hime!"  
Sakura frowned. "Hime? Who's that?"  
The brunette snickered. "Oh, just our own little princess from the southern regions of our wonderful continent!" The evil woman said as she stepped aside.  
Sakura's eyes widened as she saw Bei walk into the room holding a leash, the other end of which was attached to a huge, imposing furry shape.  
Then her eyes shrank into little black dots. "Does everybody else see a panda with metal claws on its wrists, or have I snapped from the stress?"  
"No, you're right, it's a panda with metal claws on its wrists," Alexandra explained. "This panda is actually the second-best assassin in Japan, you see."  
Sakura's shoulders slumped. "Why'd you hire an assassin to kill people you've already captured?"  
"Well... it's that... you see..." Alexandra fumbled for a moment with her thoughts as she crossed her arms over her chest, "the thing is... for your information... shut up."  
Ranma, meanwhile, was staring intently at the panda, who was in turn staring intently at him. "... Genma?"  
Hello, Ranma. Read the sign the panda produced. Long time no see.  
Bei blinked. "You know each other?"  
He's my son. The panda signed.  
All the girls immediately blanched and flinched away from Ranma, Sakura included.  
"WHAT!" Ranma shouted at the surrounding women, moving from irritated to angry.  
"You're half panda?" Alex asked in alarm.  
"No, I'm not half panda!" Ranma said incredulously. Then he turned toward Genma. "Hey Pop! When'd you become an assassin?"  
Since you left the family and Tendo kept his dojo, I had to find a job! This is all your fault!  
Alex flinched away again. "You called Hime 'Pop'! You are half panda!"  
"I am not!" Ranma insisted before again speaking to his father. "Where's Mom? And what's with the moniker? 'Hime'? You don't look like any princess I've ever heard of!"  
All the cool names were taken! Mind your own business! Genma flipped the sign. Nobody cares if I'm a boy panda or not, so I thought I'd go for the irony factor. You know, an assassin named "Princess". Get it?  
Bei sweatdropped heavily and tapped Genma on the shoulder. "Uh, hey... is this gonna be a problem? Killing your own... uh... son?"  
The panda waved it off, then flipped up a sign. Nah, it's cool. We hate each other.  
"He IS your son!" Alex shouted in shock, taking another step back while pointing at Ranma in horror. "Panda-man! Panda-man!"  
"I AM NOT A PANDA-MAN!" Ranma screamed suddenly, standing up and tearing apart the cables that bound him. Then he leapt at Alexandra, who shouted in surprise as she was tackled to the floor.  
"Hey! Hime! Do something!" Bei shouted as Ranma quickly got Alex into a painful hold while she flailed around screaming.  
I'm just a cute little panda! Genma signed, sweatdropping. Then he flipped the sign over. -Who was paid to kill two helpless, tied-up hostages, not an enraged, unbound martial artist.  
"What kind of assassin are you?"  
I think you'll find that the quality of assassins around Tokyo really drops a lot once you get past that Wolf guy.  
"Somebody help me!" Alexandra screamed. "He's using his feral bear-hybrid powers against me!"  
"TAKE IT BACK! I'M NOT A PANDA-MAN!"

Sakura finally rolled her body to the door, then bounced into a sitting position where she could catch the door handle with her chin. Within a few seconds, the door swung open, and she began crawling out into the hallway, inch-worm style.  
"These people are crazy. I'm going home..."  
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Asuka turned around and closed the armored bulkhead door, managing to slide the lock into place just before it shook violently from the impact of the mauler that had been pursuing them.  
Ranma grimaced as he stared at the interior of the room the two officers had ducked into. "No good. It's a dead end."  
Asuka paled as the armored door vibrated again. "It can't be! There's no way! Once they break down that door, we're done for!"  
The pigtailed man crossed his arms over his chest solemnly and lowered his head, saying nothing.  
Asuka pulled away from the door as the pounding grew in intensity, casting an uneasy glance at the hinges that were even now beginning to loosen.  
Then she gazed back at Ranma, looking nervous, but determined.  
"Well... by all indications it looks like we're going to die here..."  
Ranma sighed. "Yeah, it sure does look like it."  
Asuka coughed into her fist, and a slight blush started spreading across her face. "Look... since we're going to die anyway... I... I think I should tell you..."  
"That you love me, right?"  
"GURK!" Asuka winced, and her blush darkened. "Uh... well... yeah."  
"I kinda figured it out a while ago," Ranma deadpanned, turning toward the captain. "I mean, it wasn't like you made it a big secret. Well, you DID try to make it a big secret, but that only tipped me off. It was obvious."  
"Ah... well..." The bluette scratched the back of her head nervously, then steepled her hands in front of her. "So... do you-"  
"No," Ranma said flatly, turning away and further observing the room.  
Asuka looked startled. "What? But... I said... well, I guess YOU said it, technically, but still... after I admit my feelings... aren't we supposed to, like, make out? Or... or kiss? Or... uh... hold hands, maybe?"  
"No," Ranma said once again, turning back toward his superior. "No offense, but you're just not my type. I already tried aggressive, violent, controlling women. Doesn't agree with me."  
She flinched as if struck. "But... I mean... we're going to die..."  
"I'm not gonna die," Ranma said, jabbing a thumb at himself. "I'm the main character, and this would be a lousy place to end the series. I'll be fine. You might croak, though."  
Asuka slumped to her knees, twitching in sync with the pounding on the door. "Strange... it never goes like this in the movies..."  
Ranma gave a short chuckle. "Yeah. Black Dragon can't write romance segments worth crap. Funny, though."

And now we return you to your regularly scheduled madness.

Takahashi Soup  
by Black Dragon

Disclaimer: Meh. Lawyers. They kill because they hate.

Chapter 8  
Now We're Cooking with Plutonium!

Akane stared around the starship interior in wonder, her eyes wide as she beheld the dozens of bizarre devices that Lum kept among her personal belongings.  
"Your room is so... so..." The youngest Tendo frowned as she tried to grasp the best word to describe it. "... Environmentally questionable," she finally settled on, also noticing the numerous tiger skins laid out all over the relatively large interior. Several of them were stretched out on the wall as decoration; there was a particularly large one on the floor in the same manner as a bearskin rug, and even the bedding, from the comforter to the pillowcases, appeared to be made out of stitched-together furs. "Was there a major tiger infestation on your planet, or does your family practice poaching as well as slavery?"  
"Hush, I'm busy," Lum said dismissively, searching a dusty old cardboard box. "Ah, here it is!" Pulling out a huge book with plastic bindings, Lum grunted as she carried it over to her bed and dropped it on the comforter.  
Akane watched mutely as the book slowly sank deeply into the mattress, and twitched as she read the cover. "'The Really Smart Yellow Pages'? The hell?"  
"You'd be surprised at how many Terran corporations have their hands in intergalactic affairs," Lum said, wiping the sweat off her forehead.  
"Really..." Akane frowned deeply, and then turned suspiciously toward the far wall of Lum's room, which was entirely taken up by a huge supercomputer station. "So... does your computer use-"  
"Uh huh," Lum interrupted sadly.  
"No!" Akane said, paling considerably. "XP?"  
"Worse. Vista," the alien princess said miserably.  
"It's true..." Akane mumbled. "Gates really DOES control the whole galaxy..."  
"Galaxy, nothing!" Lum scoffed as she opened the galactic phone book. "Bill Gates controls the better part of this supercluster!"  
As Akane mumbled to herself like a crazy person, Lum thumbed her way through the business listings, searching for the numbers and addresses of cooks-for-hire.  
"Okay, well, universal plots for economic domination aside, you still haven't told me exactly who's going to cook our food," Akane said, looking over the alien's shoulder.  
"It's simple," Lum said smugly as she turned the page. "That little red-haired brat said we could hire a professional chef to cook a meal, right?"  
Akane blinked, and then nodded.  
"So we're going to get a professional! However, Terra's selection of ingredients is pretty poor by intergalactic standards, so we're going to have to call someone in from around the Belt."  
"The Belt?"  
"Orion's Belt. That's what it's called around here, anyway," the alien explained as she kept flipping through the phone book. "There was this one guy my dad hired for birthday parties and stuff. He's perfect!"  
Akane nodded slowly, though she was clearly a bit disturbed. "So... 'Terra' doesn't have a good enough selection of ingredients? There aren't any dishes on the entire planet that you think would be good enough?"  
Lum sighed and rolled her eyes. "Well, obviously I haven't tried every dish on the planet, but let's face facts: you're the only species that's ever decided to try serving water creatures without cooking them and gotten away with it by calling it a delicacy."  
"Hey! Leave sushi out of this! I like sushi!" Akane shouted, bristling.  
"Besides, this will give us an unexpected edge, since Darling and that top-heavy tramp are stuck with Terran foods!"  
Akane calmed herself, but still looked unsure. "But... alien dishes? What if they're not... you know... edible by human standards? Or tasty, for that matter?"  
Lum just smirked as she pointed triumphantly at the name she was looking for in the phone book. "Don't worry; this guy is GOOD. And Daddy has an account with him, so we won't have worry about paying!"  
"But Ataru and Ranma will, when we win!" Akane said decisively, snickering as she gripped one hand into a fist.  
Lum stared at her blankly. "Huh? Ranma? Why, is he helping Darling with his end?"  
"Sure, why not?" Akane muttered absently, not bothering to try and cover her slip. Besides, it wasn't like she really cared about keeping Ranma's secret.  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, I was talking to Pop earlier," Ataru said off-handedly as he flipped through the dirty magazine that he was hiding behind an issue of Martha Stewart Living, "he suggested Thai food."  
Ranma, who was doing one-handed push-ups across the backyard from his brother, frowned as he considered it. "Maybe if it's a sweet dish. Kasumi specializes in salts and spicy foods, so it'd provide a better contrast."  
Ataru shifted slightly on the pond rock he was sitting on, and then turned another page of his magazine. "You sure it wouldn't be better to match with a salty or spicy dish? You know, to make it easier to compare so that it's easy to tell which is better?"  
"Nah, I could go for a challenge. Besides, I'd like to avoid humiliating Kasumi as much as possible. It's Akane I want to bring down a peg." Ranma grunted as he continued his push-ups, beads of sweat dropping down into the grass.  
"Aw, how nice of you to look out for her feelings," Ataru said, smirking at the pigtailed boy as his eyes narrowed. "Kinda weird for you to give somebody that kind of consideration... you and Kas-chan aren't..."  
Before he could finish the sentence, Ranma's hand lashed out in mid-push-up, snatched up and almond-sized rock, and then threw it straight for Ataru's forehead quickly enough to catch himself on the way down and continue his exercises.  
Ataru, for his part, bent his head to the side, and stuck out his tongue as the rock whizzed by harmlessly. "Ha! I'm on to you!"  
_Bwock!_  
Ataru blinked. "Bwock?" Then his head pitched forward as the stone smacked into the back of his head painfully.  
"That would be the sound _Huff!_ of the rock rebounding _Huff!_ off the tree behind you," Ranma explained cordially as he continued his exercises. "Try to _Huff!_ keep up, eh?"

At that point Kasumi appeared from the dining room, carrying a tray with glasses of lemonade on it.  
"Ranma-kun, Ataru-kun! Are you thirsty?"  
Ataru rubbed the welt on the back of his head gingerly as he smiled broadly. "Ah, I dunno what you're so embarrassed about! The woman's a gem, bro!"  
Kasumi blinked as she set the tray down. "Hm? Who are you talking about?"  
"Nobody," Ranma snapped, pushing off from the ground much harder than before such that could bounce to his feet. Letting out a deep sigh, he mumbled a quick thanks as he took a glass of lemonade, still having a hard time looking at the Tendo homemaker without being bombarded by lewd impulses.  
"Ranma-kun, I was hoping I could talk to you and your brother for a moment," Kasumi said seriously, clasping her hands together in front of her.  
"Mm? What about?" Ranma asked as Ataru picked up a glass of lemonade himself.  
Kasumi chewed her lip for a moment, and then sighed. "Ranma-kun, I can understand how you must feel about Akane," she began, wincing as Ranma frowned immediately. "I know she's very... judgmental and aggressive, and she's so impulsive that she always acts on her judgments without thinking about them or considering the consequences. And I know it's been very hard on you in your... well, the situation you seem to find yourself in."  
Ranma idly noticed that Ataru looked confused. "She means being the brother of Akane's fiancee."  
"Oh! Like how she insults you based on my character, and how she causes problems for you by trying to get at me?" Ataru asked in understanding.  
"You know, the whole problem could be solved if we drugged Akane deeply enough to force her through the marriage ceremony, and then kicked the newlyweds out so they could get their own place," Ranma said to Kasumi, taking a sip of lemonade.  
She sweatdropped heavily. "Uh, yes, well... anyway, I also understand how upset you must have been when Akane insulted your cooking when she'd never had it; I would be very hurt if someone did the same to me. But I was hoping you would call off this contest anyway."  
"Call it off? Why?" Ataru asked, surprised.  
Ranma took another sip of lemonade, then snorted. "Sorry Kasumi, but this is between me and Akane. I laid out the terms and she accepted them, so we're both in this to the finish. I'm sorry that you got involved, but nobody's forcing you."  
"But... you see..." the Tendo homemaker fretted for a moment, wringing her hands, "Akane asked me to make a special dish for the contest. I refused."  
This startled both Saotome brothers as they were drinking, and Ataru spat out some of his lemonade in surprise..  
"Eh? You're not cooking for Akane?" Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Then what's she doing for the contest?"  
_Cough!_ Ataru wiped his mouth before re-entering the conversation. "Crying, probably."  
"Ranma-kun!" Kasumi said louder than before, suddenly grasping one of his hands and holding it in hers. He froze instantly. "If you really are as good as Mr. Saotome says, then Akane will be humiliated and there will be even more tension between you two! Please, nothing good can come of this! Can you call off the contest? For me?" Kasumi moved closer to him, and a red flush spread over Ranma's cheeks as he stared into the brunette's soulful brown eyes.  
'It starts,' Ataru thought to himself as he rolled his eyes.  
"But... I can't just... you see..." Ranma stumbled over his words as Kasumi kept staring at him, and started to tremble. "The thing is... well... the thing... it is... about the thing..."  
"Are you sure? Isn't there anything I can do to change your mind?" The eldest Tendo said, grasping his hand tighter.  
Ataru snickered as Ranma's entire face turned a solid, bright red. "Oh, I think he has a few ideas... whaddya say, bro? Any 'favors' you can think of?"  
Faster than he could blink, the pigtailed boy had crossed the distance between them and lifted him up in the air by the front of his shirt.  
"Ataru..." Ranma's voice seemed to echo in Ataru's ears like the words of a spectre, and his eyes began to glow a bright, blood-red color. "If you continue to make comments like that, I won't take responsibility for what I do to you."  
The color began to fade away from Ataru's body, until the point in which he was solid white (including his clothes!). "On... Oniisan w-wouldn't do s-something like that to his dear, precious, only brother, w-would he?" The lecher spat out shakily, which also described his physical state.  
"Oniisan is still struggling with the recent defiling of his dear, precious, only MIND, and has a very fragile grasp on his sanity at present, so it's hard to say," Ranma said in the same echoing hiss, and a writhing darkness seemed to slowly pour out of Ranma's body and engulf the both of them, "but we wouldn't want to find out for sure, right?"  
"Please don't kill me. I'll be a good boy," Ataru whimpered.  
"Uhm... excuse me..." Kasumi finally said, looking rather pensive.  
Ranma turned his head while still holding Ataru in the air, and the shadows quickly dissipated as his eyes returned to normal. "Eh? Was there something else?"  
Kasumi sweatdropped at the sudden change of mood, but decided to drop the subject rather than trying to figure out what had caused the episode in the first place. Ranma and Ataru seemed to fight a lot about many different things, after all. "Actually, no, but you haven't told me your decision."  
Ranma groaned softly, and then sighed. "Yeah, okay, fine. I'll ask Akane if she just wants to forget the whole thing. Hmph."  
"Oh, thank you!" Kasumi said brightly, clasping her hands together and bowing. "I'm so glad! I just knew you'd understand!"  
Ranma immediately turned his head away as she smiled, feeling his entire body weaken at the sight. "I'm not doing it for you, though," he asserted, crossing his arms over his chest. "The fact is, you're right; the contest is just going to make conditions here worse, and frankly your sister gives me enough trouble as it is. There's no reason to go through all that over some stupid little insult. So don't feel like you're indebted or anything."  
Against his better judgment, the pigtailed boy peeked out of the corner of his eye to gauge the Tendo homemaker's reaction.  
"I'm really glad to hear that," Kasumi said softly as she smiled, hands clasped demurely beneath her waist. "Well, I should get back to the kitchen. Thank you for understanding, Ranma-kun."  
Ataru sweatdropped as he watched Kasumi leave, and sweatdropped some more when he glanced at Ranma, who was kneeling on the ground weakly with his head down, totally defeated.  
"Ataru?" Ranma suddenly said, causing his brother to jump back in surprise.  
"I didn't say anything! Nothing! Honest! I wasn't even THINKING of how obvious it is that you want her! Or about how easy it would for you to-"  
"Shut up before I break a part of you that won't get better," Ranma demanded. "I'm going to need your help."  
Ataru blinked. "YOU need MY help? What, are we going to cook anyway?"  
"No, I need your stupid girl radar," Ranma said bitterly as he pushed himself up. "I have to find Kurama, quick. I don't know how much longer I can take this before I do something I regret."  
"Have you considered the remote possibility that you WON'T regret it?" Ataru mumbled, his eye twitching irritably.  
Ranma stopped for a moment, then scratched his chin in consideration. "No, I definitely haven't. Why does that matter?"  
His brother sighed. "Okay, fine, nevermind. Let's go beat up the hot alien lady."  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, Lum! You know, despite the fact that we pretty much live together, it occurred to me that we don't really spend that much time together," Akane said brightly as she pushed her way through the corn stalks that surrounded her.  
Lum blinked and turned around as she floated easily above the veritable sea of crops below her. "You think so? I really never thought we had much in common."  
One stalk that Akane was holding back slipped by her arm and swatted her across the nose, and the young woman's cheery smile became strained. "Oh, but we hardly even talk to each other! And as a host, I really think I should take times like these to have deep, productive conversations with my family's guests and get to know them better!"  
Lum cocked her head to one side. "Conversation? Was there something you wanted to talk about?"  
"Oh, you know, little things!" Akane said as she stomped down on a patch of especially thick plants to try and make a path for herself. "It's just girl talk; your favorite places to shop, your favorite actor, THE REASON I'M TEARING MY WAY THROUGH A FRAGGING CORNFIELD WHEN YOU SAID WE'D BE MEETING THIS INTERGALACTIC CHEF GUY, maybe the kinds of TV shows you like to watch, stuff like that!"  
Lum sweatdropped as she stared down at the obviously agitated teenage girl. "That was an awfully big set-up for such a simple question."  
_Whp!_ Another stalk slipped around her hand, and Akane growled as an ear of corn batted her on the forehead. "Answer?"  
"Well, where else would we meet him?" Lum said condescendingly, planting her hands on her hips.  
Akane twitched. "For the benefit of my sanity, I'm not going to try answering that question," she murmured. "But why a farm? Is he gathering ingredients or something? And why a corn field, for that matter? These kinds of farms are pretty rare in Japan; it would have been a much shorter trip to a rice or onion farm or-"  
"No, no, those are no good," Lum insisted, waving her hand. "The plants are too short. Almost impossible to see."  
Akane blinked. "See? See what?"  
Instead of answering, Lum reached into her cleavage, and started digging around in the cup of her tiger-skin brassiere before withdrawing a small, flat circular object.  
"What's that? What are you doing?" Akane asked somewhat nervously. She didn't have nearly the experience with alien devices that the Saotome twins did, but the stories she had overheard tended to indicate she was better off that way.  
Lum rotated the outside edge of the circle, then stopped when it clicked into place. Then she dropped the object into the sea of vegetables below.  
Akane stared as the alien continue to float above the fields, fists planted on her hips proudly. "Uhm... should I be running or something?"  
_VWOOOOOSH!_ A sudden wave of force blasted outward from the device, and Akane was completely knocked off her feet and thrown into the air as the crops all bent over in an expanding ring.  
Although her landing was cushioned somewhat by the flattened corn stalks, Akane didn't have the presence of mind to roll properly when she hit the ground, and Lum winced as she watched a cloud of leaves and dust billow upward from her impact.  
"You know, it's never really occurred to me before, you know, because I can fly, but yeah, I guess you shouldn't be too close to the marker if you're stuck on the ground," Lum thought aloud, tapping her lip with her finger.  
"Yeah, okay. Fine. Answer quicker next time," Akane mumbled, pushing herself up off the ground before picking bits of cornstalk out of her hair.  
After taking a moment to defoliate herself, Akane took a moment to try and figure out what, exactly, the device had done besides knocking the wind out of her. All around her, the corn had been knocked over and smashed flat up until a certain point. Taking a glance around, the crops appeared to have been flattened in a circle around the small disc, with certain parts having been flattened further in narrow alleys that then bent around the inner circle in irregular curves.  
"What am I standing in the middle of?" The teenage martial artist asked calmly.  
Lum made a face before answering. "A crop circle," she said, chuckling slightly as if she had just been asked what the ground was made of.  
"Oh, okay then," Akane said, still maintaining her calm. "So - and make sure to answer quickly this time - should I be running or something?"  
"Oh, no, don't worry about it," Lum mumbled, turning her head away as her ears began to pick up a roaring noise far off in the distance that seemed to be approaching fast. "You don't need to move."  
"Swell," Akane said with some trepidation as she too watched a shiny object zip through the sky toward them, its engine noise becoming more and more apparent as it closed the distance to the two young women.  
After a few moments the craft moved directly overhead, and Lum frowned as it slowed to a stop and then began a slow vertical descent, giving her a good look at the hull. The craft was shaped like a gigantic conch shell, with little windows along the side and the engines poking out of the mouth of the shell.  
The frown turned into a scowl. Even among UFO's, which took on bizarre forms ranging from footballs to vending machines, the spacecraft was very unique, and Lum had no trouble recalling its owner as the craft tilted upward and began its final landing.  
Akane noticed the alien girl's expression, and scratched her head in confusion. "Is something wrong? You don't seem happy to see this guy."  
"It's the wrong ship," Lum said bitterly, crossing her arms over her chest. Then her eyes widened slightly, and she turned back to Akane. "Oh, by the way, you should move now."  
Akane blinked. "Huh? But you said-GWAAAAAH!" Once again she was blown off of her feet and blasted to the side as the spacecraft settled into the crop circle, its engines roaring as they brought their load softly to the ground.

Lum floated over to the fallen Tendo, frowning in concern. "Why didn't you run? You're lucky the engine backwash blew you out of the way, or the entire ship might have landed on you!"  
There was an audible popping noise as a vein bulged atop Akane's forehead, and she jumped to her feet. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME TO MOVE WHEN I ASKED!"  
Lum blinked, and then rolled her eyes. "Because there wasn't a ship about to land on you then. DUH."  
Most people who knew Akane, or had just been introduced to her, or had heard rumors about her, or had seen her on a single occasion from across the street, would have thought she would have been in an incomprehensible rage at this point, lashing out blindly at the source of her pain and irritation against all hints of better judgment.  
She did not. Rather, she stood up, dusted herself off, and shelved her anger. It wasn't easy for her, and most of the aforementioned people would have been absolutely shocked that she was capable of such a feat.  
Akane's temper was quite the mystery in that she could put aside legitimate concerns and grudges for the sake of random acts of kindness toward people who treated her like a piece of property to be stolen and used, but got edgy and upset when someone who genuinely cared about her touched her in the process of saving her from harm. To that end, the fact that she was being repeatedly abused during the course of Lum's ridiculous plan was of no concern if it meant a snowball's chance in Hell at being able to take revenge upon the man who lusted after her and his largely ambivalent brother.  
Nobody knows why, though. Crazy bitch. Can we get back to the story, please?

A hatch near the bottom of the conch shifted open, and a small staircase jutted out under it to allow easier access.  
Akane blinked as a buxom woman with short black hair stepped out, several small crows in shrine attendant uniforms following all around her. "Kurama?"  
The alien princess noted Lum and Akane immediately, and gave the both of them distasteful looks before dismissing their presence entirely. Taking a long moment to gaze at the surroundings, the crow alien nodded slowly.  
"Well, it is desolate, but that probably can't be helped. Nice view of the mountains, though," Kurama noted as she scratched her chin in consideration.  
"Ooh! I'll bet they have a hot spring nearby!" One of the crows said enthusiastically.  
"And skiing is just an hour away! Primo tourist location!"  
Akane shook her head. "Whoa, hey, wait! What are all of you doing here? Shouldn't you be in Tokyo trying to capture Ranma or kill Ataru or maybe kill Ranma AND Ataru?" she asked, pointing in the general direction of Nerima. "Not that I'm dropping suggestions or anything."  
Kurama gave her an odd glance and shrugged. "I'm just landing my ship."  
The schoolgirl stared. "HERE?"  
Kurama raised an eyebrow. "Yes," she said simply, conveying very clearly that the question was stupid and the answer obvious.  
"But... why here? You're miles away from Nerima!" Akane insisted.  
"We'll take what we can get!" One of the crow men muttered. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find parking on this continent? No Stonehenge, no pyramids, no nothing! Crop circles are hard to make in rice fields! We were lucky to find one in Japan at all!"  
Akane sweatdropped. "Parking? So is that why you crash-landed in the forest the first time?"  
Kurama snorted. "More or less. That was mostly HIS fault," she said acidly, pointing at the crow man with a beard that served as her personal attendant.  
"For the last time, Mayan temples are HANDICAPPED spaces! Do you want a ticket? I don't want a ticket!" The old alien complained, ruffling his wings.  
"Oh, would you clowns shut up?" Lum snapped, suddenly drawing all attention to herself. "Come on Akane, let's try again over here."  
Kurama scowled at the rudeness of the space oni and then walked back into her ship, dismissing the two teenagers.

'Yeesh, I wonder what she's so upset about...' Akane thought as she followed Lum through the corn once again, thankfully using the path she had made on the way there. Noting that the alien was going a bit faster than before, she started to accelerate her pace to keep up. "Hey, Lum! Is your chef still coming, or are we giving up?"  
Lum stopped suddenly, and then mumbled something as she took an object from her bra and dropped it into the crops below.  
"What'd you say?" Akane said, breaking into a full sprint so that she could hear her companion.  
Lum turned and cupped a hand around her mouth. "I SAID YOU SHOULD START RUNNING NOW!"  
_VWOOOOOOOSH! Thud!_  
"God damn it. I hate alien technology," Akane mumbled face-down into the blown-over corn stalks. "Ataru was right. The Creator help me, he was right."  
Lum floated over to Akane as the girl remained on the ground, making no apparent effort to get up. "Sorry, I guess you didn't see me drop the beacon. I should've yelled the first time." She cocked her head to one side. "You know, from when I fought Ranma, I had the impression that Terrans were more agile. Are you sick or something?"  
'Don't kill the alien. Take deep breaths. Bury the rage deep inside where it can be unleashed later on teenage boys.' Akane repeated the internal mantra as her anger slowly seeped away. 'Lum's trying to help! Murder wouldn't be legally defensible in this situation! I mean, just think of the intergalactic political impact!'  
The youngest Tendo pushed herself up off the ground, and then dusted herself off with a perfectly even expression on her face. Then she turned pointedly toward Lum. "Okay! So now that you've made **another** UFO parking space, I should stay out of the crop circle because eventually a space ship is going to land there, right?"  
Lum blinked. "Well... yes. That'd be a good idea," she mumbled as she gave Akane a strange look. 'What's with her and the ridiculous questions? I guess she's slow in more ways than one.'  
Akane quickly vacated the circle as another distant engine roar became apparent, and then looked up into the air.  
Another craft was quickly descending toward the field of crops, except that instead of coming from across the sky, it seemed to be descending straight downward from a colossal altitude. The craft was about the size of a large river boat, and shaped a lot like a clothes iron, with the handle part having many windows that indicated it was the bridge, and the numerous engines dotting the flat underside.  
Lum frowned, then turned toward her companion. "Akane, you should run now! Move out of the way!"  
The martial artist blinked in surprise. Then, without bothering to argue about the relative safety of her position, she turned and sprinted further away from the crop circle, swatting the shaking and swaying groups of corn stalks out of her way as she darted for safety.  
"No! Akane! Move TOWARD the circle! You're just going to-" Lum winced as the space ship moved down right over Akane, blasting the poor schoolgirl away with a torrent of blazing hot air as the ship's landing gear deployed.  
"GWAAAAH!" _Crash!_  
Akane groaned pitifully as she tried to crawl out of the shallow trench she had inadvertently dug among the fallen plants.  
'Whoever owns this farm is going to be SO pissed off...' Slowly rising to her feet, Akane swayed back and forth dangerously before she regained her sense of balance. After taking a long moment to insure that she wouldn't spontaneously collapse, she looked up to see Lum floating overhead, shaking her head sadly.  
"I don't know what you want from me," Lum said condescendingly. "I gave you plenty of time, and I even told you where to go! Are you TRYING to get yourself killed?"  
Akane's face turned a bright red. 'Don't kill the alien! Don't kill the alien!' "Why would I move toward the circle? That's where-" stopping short at that thought, Akane turned toward the ship. Then she looked behind her, where the alien parking spot was. "What the hell!"  
Lum sweatdropped. "Yeah, well... Koppa is a great cook, but he's kind of a bad driver."  
'If this doesn't work, Lum is SO going on my "Smash on sight" list,' Akane thought grimly.  
A small hatch opened up near the bottom and a short walkway descended to the ground, in a similar fashion to the other ship.  
"Lummy! It's so good to see you again!" A voice erupted from the craft at the same time a tiny, shiny creature darted from the exit, moving so fast that Akane could only see the sun shining off of its skin as it jumped at Lum, glomping onto her abdomen.  
Lum didn't seem startled at all by the burst of affection, and giggled as she patted the creature on the head.  
Akane stared. Lum was being hugged by what appeared to a tiny frog-man, not even three feet tall. It's skin was an odd shade of orange, and it had a small, skinny body that supported a relatively gigantic, globular head that sported an unnaturally thin handlebar mustache. Sitting atop its head was a normal chef's hat with an emblem on the front shaped like an onion, which matched the emblem plastered in the middle of his white belly.  
"Koppa! Welcome to Earth!" Lum said happily, still patting the creature attached to her torso.  
Akane twitched. "So... THAT... is this Koppa... person?" She grimaced at the thought of being touched by the slimy alien. The image of seeing Lum get hugged by it reminded her way too much of stories her father used to tell her when she was a little girl, about tiny old men who jumped out of the shadows and molested and stole the underwear of bad little girls who didn't eat their vegetables and go to bed on time.  
Lum nodded as the frog alien disengaged himself. "Uh-huh! Akane, this is Koppa-san, a frog alien from planet Keron, and the best chef in the Amphilion Sector! Koppa, this is Akane Tendo, my partner for the challenge!"  
Akane twitched again. "Koppa... Keron... Amphilion... great..." 'The universe has a sense of humor... and it sucks.'  
"Lummy gave me all the details over the phone," the alien chef said as he stared up at Akane, idly twisting one end of his mustache. "You have need of a universe-class cook, and milady, I have come to answer your call! No Terran can best my sense of taste! Victory is certain!"  
Akane, predictably, didn't look so enthralled. "Uh-huh. You know that humans don't eat bugs, right?"  
"Oh. Really? Are you more of an arachnid-lover? Or are arthropods in general a no-go?" The amphibious cook asked thoughtfully, rubbing his chin.  
"Lum, you can't be serious," Akane said in a pleading tone as she turned toward the horned alien.  
Lum just grinned. "I'm telling you, don't worry about it! I've known Koppa since I was a baby! Nothing can compete with his cooking!"  
Koppa nodded. "Yup! Me and Lummy go WAAAAAAY back! I've baked every one of her birthday cakes since she was barely able to hover, and her dad's always calling me out for special occasions!" The Keronian walked up to Akane, hands clasped behind his back. "Yup, it's no exaggeration to say that Lum's been eating my food all her life!" Then he lowered his voice so that only Akane could hear him. "Great kid, but dumb as a brick. Nice rack, though, eh?" Stopping to jab Akane's leg with his elbow, Koppa continued walking in that direction, descending deep into thought.  
A vein popped up on Akane's head. 'I knew it... frogs, humans... males of every species are all slimeballs!'  
Whirling around, Akane was about to give the slimy little lecher a piece of her mind, when she noticed two entirely human figures making their own way through the corn fields toward them. Koppa had already noticed, and stared mutely at the pair while he toyed with his mustache.  
Lum quickly noticed them as well, given that she was the only one flying, and thus had a much better view. "Hey! It's darling and Ranma!"  
"Yes. Yes, it is," Akane mumbled as her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What're they doing here?"

"What're they doing here?" Ataru mumbled as his eyes narrowed suspiciously.  
"Got me. Maybe the aliens are having a convention," Ranma guessed, looking at the two bizarre spacecraft sitting in the fields of corn. "Whatever. I'm supposed to talk to Akane anyway. Now's as good a time as any."  
Akane glared openly at the siblings as they approached purposefully, neither of them paying the slightest bit of attention to the small orange frog-thing gazing at them with its huge, unblinking eyes (though in all fairness, the image of the two parked space ships was already so bizarre that Koppa didn't really stand out much).  
Ranma stopped short a foot from Akane, deliberately keeping Lum completely out of his field of vision. "Akane, I want to talk to you about the cooking contest."  
Akane raised an eyebrow. "I'm listening."  
Taking a deep breath, the pigtailed boy swallowed his pride and jumped headlong into the speech he had prepared ahead of time, carefully pruned of all snide cynicism and backhanded commentary. "The fact is, I had some time to think about what happened when I made that challenge, and some time to cool off. And as it turns out, there's really no need for me to cause such a hassle over some stupid spur-of-the-moment comment you made. You didn't know any better, and it was no big deal. I was just blowing my top over nothing, and I apologize."  
Ataru gave his brother an encouraging pat on the back as Ranma took a deep breath, and then the pigtailed boy continued. "This whole cooking challenge thing is stupid and no matter how it ends, it's only going to lead to hard feelings. So I'm calling off the contest, okay?"  
Ranma crossed his arms over his chest, and did his absolute best to look reasonable and apologetic when in fact he wanted to grate his teeth in frustration. 'Damn it, why couldn't Mr. Tendo or Nabiki asked me to do this? I coulda blown either of them off, easy! I mean, Nabiki should have been more interested than Kasumi in the first place since Akane'll probably have to borrow the money from her! This sucks!'  
The corner of Akane's lip twitched, and she shook slightly, much to the Saotome twins' confusion.  
"Ha ha ha!" Akane suddenly burst out laughing, and her mouth twisted into a smirk. "Yeah, right! Like I'd let you back out of this so easily!"  
While Ranma had an unreadable expression on his face, Ataru looked shocked. "What? Why not? Do you realize how hard this'll hit you when you lose?"  
"'When' we lose?" Akane snarled. "Don't be so cocky!"  
Ranma's eyes narrowed. "Forget 'when'. What's this 'we' stuff?"  
Lum smirked and floated upright next to Akane. "I'm helping Akane to win this contest! That'll show that redheaded hussy who's boss!" Then she frowned. "By the way, where is she? I thought she issued the challenge, not you."  
"Hush sweetie, the humans are talking," Ataru muttered off-handedly as he stepped forward. "C'mon Akane, just back down. I'm not sure how good you are at math, but multiplying two negatives doesn't make a positive. Lum can't-"  
"Yes, it does," Akane interrupted in a deadpan voice.  
"What?"  
"Multiplying two negative numbers does make a positive," Ranma said, rolling his eyes. "You're thinking of addition. Idiot." He turned toward Lum, fighting down the initial surge of lecherous thoughts that a tiger-skin bikini usually elicited. "Have I ever mentioned that I think you and Ataru make a great couple?"  
Ataru frowned deeply. "Oh, whatever. You know what I mean. What makes you think you can beat us with Lum's help?"  
Akane just shook her head. "You'll have to wait until tonight to find out, pervert. Nice try, though."  
Ranma was deadly silent as he suddenly yanked Ataru back, pulling hard enough that the lecher lost his balance and landed on his rear.  
The pigtailed boy jabbed a finger at Akane, his eyes narrow slits and his voice cold as ice. "You want the contest, you got it. But I want this on record, Tendo..."  
Akane flinched back slightly from the combination of his tone and his manner of addressing her.  
"And I want ALL OF YOU as witnesses..." Ranma said dangerously, moving his arm around him slowly as he pointed at the assembled individuals. "Lum... Ataru... the weird frog thing that I didn't really notice before now... that crow alien spying on us behind the ship... that gaijin wandering around behind him..."  
Turning their heads, the others watched a crow man dart away in a panic as an American emerged from the corn fields, a cell phone pressed against his ear.  
"Can you hear me now?" The man said in English. "Good! Do you know where I am yet? ... That's not good at all." Sulking dejectedly, he turned around and re-entered the wall of corn plants.  
Ranma finally returned his arm to its original position pointing at Akane. "I want them all to hear, recognize, and CONFIRM that I tried to be the adult and swallow my medicine. I tried to take the high road and let you off the hook because it was the decent, reasonable thing to do..."  
"Also because your sister is really hot," Ataru interjected, only to have Ranma slam a fist onto the top of his head, dropping him onto the ground.  
Ranma returned his full attention to the somewhat overwhelmed schoolgirl before him. "But YOU decided that wasn't good enough. YOU decided that humility and apologies aren't worth anything, and YOU were too ignorant and stubborn to realize the hole you were digging for yourself. And YOU are going to pay the full consequences when we crush you tomorrow."  
Still sporting a deadly serious expression, Ranma grabbed Ataru by the back of his shirt and hauled him to his feet. "C'mon Ataru, we're done here."

Akane didn't move when Ranma walked past her, dragging his brother behind him as the latter complained loudly. In fact, her eyes hadn't even adjusted to Ranma's departure from her field of vision, and she continued to stare straight ahead, mesmerized.  
Lum floated up behind Akane, looking at the girl with a worried expression. "Akane? Are you okay?" Although she wouldn't have admitted it to anyone else, seeing Ranma like that had frightened her severely. It occurred to her that in the past, Ranma's casual violence and enraged ranting were responses to the constant annoyances that plagued his life; small, largely insignificant things that either didn't hurt anybody or that he could deal with easily enough. The martial artist seemed genuinely upset that he had offered to back down and Akane had thrown it in his face. 'Hmmm... I wonder why? If Ranma's so sure about winning, shouldn't he be happy?'  
Akane finally shook herself back to her sense, and held a hand over her heart as she realized how hard it was pounding. 'Whoa... Ranma's scary when he's mad.' Outwardly, she confided. "Heh! He's running scared! I'm gonna make him eat those words!"  
Lum remained silent for a long moment. "The expression on your face doesn't match your choice of words," she mumbled, noting the grim frown Akane sported.  
Akane shook her head. "Whatever! We have your cook, right? We can do this!"  
Both the teenage girls turned toward the Keronian chef, and their expressions darkened slightly when they saw the hardened expression on the frog alien's face.  
"You should have accepted his withdraw," Koppa said sadly, clasping his hands behind his back as he approached.  
"What?" Akane looked startled as she started to panic. "Are you serious? You don't think you can beat them? How do you know?"  
"Can I beat them? Maybe," Koppa mumbled, rubbing his chin. "Well, probably. But this whole mess is an unfortunate affair..." the alien frog looked genuinely troubled as he paced back and forth. "You see, chefs of truly legendary skill... chefs like myself, and, unfortunately for you, those two boys there... we can sense each other, just like a powerful warrior can sense one that may be his equal..." he stared up at the sky. "No doubt those two boys sensed the same thing about me, and now know their actual chances in this contest."  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, what was up with that little frog thing back there?" Ataru asked as he got his footing well enough that Ranma could let go of his shirt.  
"I dunno," Ranma said, stomping up to the gigantic conch shell that was parked only a few meters away.  
"Did you sense any kind of supernatural power or intense skill from him or anything like that?" Ataru asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"No. You?" Ranma noted that the only "people" outside the ship at the moment were a couple of the crow aliens, and that they had noticed their approach.  
"Nope. Though he did kinda smell like chives." Ataru guessed that the two tiny aliens had been present for Ranma's last visit, judging by how quickly they dove into their spacecraft and slammed the door behind them.  
"Yeah, I noticed that too... weird." Ranma stepped up in front of the airlock that served as an entrance for when the ship was in atmosphere, and reared back one leg. "Knock knock."  
_WHAM!_  
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"Anyway, as I was saying," Koppa continued, having stopped mid-speech for reasons that the two teenage girls couldn't fathom, "for two... er, three of the truly elite to engage in competition against one another dishonors the cook's code." The frog alien gripped one of his hands into a fist and raised it into the air as tears streamed down his face. "For true chefs, the master chefs, know that they exist to make food together, with others, to feed all! To think that one may make food that **tastes** slightly better, or **fills the stomach** a little bit more; the idea is insulting! For a master makes gourmet food that can satisfy any stomach, and that's all that matters! There is no room in our art for selfish, meaningless competition! For the masters, there is no man worth more respect than a fellow master! Grudges and prizes be damned! Who of our order would defile our trade with such petty rivalry? WHO?"  
Lum and Akane both sweatdropped at the tiny creature's passionate monologue, and Akane's sweatdrop was joined by more sweat as she realized that her "Plan B" seemed to be going down the drain. "But... but... wait! Master chefs do too compete! What about that show Iron Chef? Ranma and Ataru were even making references to it in their weird food voodoo thing!"  
Koppa immediately turned toward Akane. "Well, that's different. It's TV. I mean, hell, if you can get a bunch of people to strand themselves on a deserted island in front of a camera, anything goes." He cocked his head to the side. "Is the competition televised?"  
"Uh... uhm... well..." Akane began to sweat heavily as she twiddled her thumbs in front of her. "We... er... we have a camcorder..."  
Koppa didn't even bother responding to the pitiable attempt at an endorsement as he headed back to his ship. "Well, I'll be seeing ya. Lummy, when you have your official wedding, keep me in mind, eh?"  
"Wait a minute! You can't just go!" Akane shouted, starting to get angry. Dashing in front of the alien frog, she stood between him and the ship entrance, hands planted on her hips. "Did you not hear me laugh at Ranma and turn him down just now? You're my last shot!"  
The Keronian crossed his rubbery arms over his round chest as he stared up at the girl that towered over him. "Okay sugar, then this'll be your last shot to convince me to break the cook's code and attempt to humiliate two fellow chefs!"  
Akane remained still for a moment, then her eyebrow twitched. "Did you just call me 'sugar'?"  
Koppa blinked. "Why? Izzat bad?"  
Akane moved backward a step, her hands moving behind her back. Then she withdrew a gigantic wooden hammer and let it fall onto her shoulder as she gazed down at the cold-blooded xeno with narrowed eyes.  
"So. Let's discuss this 'code' of yours," she said darkly.  
Beads of sweat started to collect on Koppa's head, though it was difficult to tell since his body was already quite moist. "Uhm... where were you hiding THAT thing?"  
"I really think that's the least important concern you have right now," Lum said neutrally, floating above the pair and generally staying out of the conflict.  
"M-Maybe we can work out a c-c-compromise?" Koppa said with a manic edge to his voice. "I charge double my normal fee - it WILL be a very difficult meal - and you don't squish me with any large blunt objects. Then I'll cook for your petty contest thing."  
One of Akane's eyebrows rose. "And what of this... 'cook's code' you were throwing around earlier?"  
Koppa's face darkened. "Well... uh... they're really more like **guidelines** than actual rules."  
"Glad to hear it," Akane said sharply, not putting away her hammer. "Lum, can we pay double his fee?"  
"Whatever. It's all coming out of Daddy's pocket if we lose, and the redhead foots it if we win," Lum said flippantly, lounging on her back as she floated parallel to the ground.  
"Fabulous. Get cracking, Kermit."  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Intruder on level three... level four... level fi-no, six... wait, did he actually break through the FLOOR? Crap, that's gonna cost even more to replace..." The crow technician said leadenly as he monitored the scanners at his station.  
Kurama laid back on a plush velvet lounge chair while sipping an exotic juice lazily. All around her, her attendants and the ship crew were instituting their new "Ranma attack drill", in which a few critical systems were monitored by those few crew who were more worried about the ship's status than their own personal safety, while the rest of the crow men hid under tables, workstations, and a great number under Kurama's chair.  
The crow princess sighed as a crashing noise outside the bridge indicated that her chosen mate had reached the level on which she was waiting for him.  
_Smash!_ The final door bent horribly as it was ripped from its frame, and the twisted hulk of metal skidded along the floor of the bridge deck, trailing sparks behind it.  
Ranma stomped into the bridge, walking as if he was going to pass Kurama. Then he stopped and turned once he was about a meter away, and crossed his arms over his chest as he glared down at her.  
"You know, Ranma," Kurama began, pausing to take a sip of her juice, "you're always welcome here. If you'd just called first, or actually knocked instead of just saying 'knock knock', I could have better prepared to receive you." Her serious expression melted into a lazy smirk. "Like, say, in my bedroom?" She puckered her lips slightly as she turned over toward him, giving him a full-frontal view of her body.  
Ranma twitched mightily as he was forced to recall his most unpleasant brotherly memories in order to stave off his arousal. Before he could respond, however, the instigator of those repulsive thoughts finally caught up and stumbled into the room.  
"Ranma! Don't jump up THROUGH the floor! You know I can't follow that!" Ataru complained, too winded to notice Kurama immediately.  
Ranma turned and scowled at him. "What do I care? You found her already; I don't need you anymore. Shoo."  
"C'mon man, you can't just ditch me like that!" The lecher whined. "We're a team! Besides, what's the rush? Are you THAT desperate to see her that you have to skip floors?"  
"Well, if they didn't have so many locked doors on every stupid deck, it wouldn't be easier to just break through the floor!" Ranma shot back, idly massaging his sore knuckles.  
Kurama sighed. "None of those doors were locked."  
Ranma blinked and turned toward her. "What? But they were all closed and didn't have a handle or knob or anything."  
"They're automatic," the bearded crow man piped up from under the steering block. "If you took a split second to stand in front of them instead of tearing through them, they'd open on their own." At Ranma's annoyed glare, he then ducked back under the console, holding his hands clasped over his head. "Please don't kill me."  
"Kura-CHAN," Ranma spat as he approached the lounging princess, "we need to talk."  
The alien woman raised an eyebrow and pouted as she slid a single finger down the length of her chair to draw Ranma's eyes down her body. "Can't we talk... afterwards?"  
"OH, HELL YES!" Ataru's pathetic excuses for inhibitions snapped under the pressure of Kurama's seductive charms, despite it being quite clear that the display was not meant for him. Before the crow woman recovered from the shock of his sudden shout, she found the lesser of the Saotome twins on top of her, his leering face moving in swiftly for what promised to be a sloppy and revolting act of affection.  
"By the cosmos, somebody get him off of me!" Kurama shouted as she grabbed Ataru's head and held it back as he straddled her.  
Ranma sweatdropped as he watched the display, but then his expression changed into one of careful consideration.  
"Hey, Kurama? I figure now is really as good a time as any to ask you..." Ranma began.  
Kurama finally managed to get a leg out from under Ataru, and planted her foot into Ataru's stomach as she tried to push him away. The lecher responded by grasping the edges of her chair, refusing to give up his position even as pain poured into his abdomen.  
"You know that freaky mind-mirror or whatever you put me through a while back? I've been having trouble with that experience..."  
Kurama grunted as she quickly began to tire, her endurance from a life of opulence and luxury being no match for Ataru's travel-hardened constitution. "Why won't anybody help me!"  
Ranma saw a crow man dart out from under a console to assist, and snatched him up before he could get close. "Ah, ah, ah! Not just yet." _Whap!_ Smacking the fist with the alien in it against a wall, he watched in satisfaction as every crow man in the room flinched in terror. Then he let the unconscious alien fall to the floor before he continued. "Until you tell me how you can help me recover from whatever the hell you did to me, I'm just gonna stand here and let Ataru do what he does. You tell me what I want to know, and I'll be out of here fast as I can move, and I'll take him with me."  
Ataru wasn't really listening as he tried to overcome the intense pressure of Kurama's high-heeled shoe planted in his gut. "Come on Kura-chan! I'm your one-night bridegroom! Gimme some sugar, baby!"  
"OKAY! FINE! What's the problem?" Kurama growled through clenched teeth as she felt her strength slowly fade away. "The mirror was supposed to unleash your repressed sexual desires and reduce your inhibitions so that you're more likely to - Ugh! - act on them!"  
Ranma nodded slowly. "Okay then. That means it half-worked, since now I'm constantly thinking about sex, but I know that I shouldn't be." His gaze hardened. "For the sake of getting this fixed, I'm going to put aside the fact that you tried to brainwash me for your purposes for now. So, how am I supposed to fix this?"  
"Fix WHAT? As far as I can tell, you're the same! What's the problem?" The crow princess seethed, beating her fist repeatedly against Ataru's chest.  
"Just the fact that I can't even look at a woman now without wanting to..." Ranma twitched nervously as his cheeks flushed a bit. "Well... you know."  
"Then WHY DON'T YOU!" Kurama asked incredulously as she managed to pull herself up and get Ataru in a headlock. Unfortunately for her, she was inadvertently squishing the lecher's cheeks against the swell of her breasts, which only poured more fuel on Ataru's fire as he struggled.  
Ranma grit his teeth. "That's not the question you need to worry about. How do you reverse this?"  
"I... I don't know!" Kurama growled. "It's not actual brainwashing or hypnosis or anything! The feelings and memories were all there! The mirror just brings them to the surface!"  
"Well, you'd better think of a way to fix it, and quickly. I think your 'mate' is just getting started," Ranma said mercilessly, crossing his arms over his chest.  
"P-Princess!" The bearded retainer said, slowly crawling out from under his console, but flinching back at a glance from Ranma. "Wait! I th-think we can reverse the process! We can use the mirror, and simply reinforce the emotions you want to strengthen!"  
Without missing a beat, Ranma stepped up to the struggling pair, grabbed Ataru's shirt, and hurled him haphazardly across the room away from Kurama.  
_CRASH!_ Several of the crow men dove out of their hiding spaces as the lecher plowed into one of the sensor stations, caving in the extensive control panel and causing the entire station to spew fountains of sparks.

The bearded crow alien trembled at the sight of such casual destruction, and then slowly returned his gaze to Ranma, who was staring down at him expectantly.  
"Well? Let's get started," Ranma said, dusting off his hands.  
Kurama gulped several deep breaths, then shook her head fiercely. "No! You can't!" When he turned and glared at her, the crow princess flinched. "You don't understand! The fourth-dimensional mirror is used to generate severe and long-term emotional changes! If we reinforce your apathy toward women, you could lose your sex drive PERMANENTLY!"  
Ranma's glare didn't soften. "Yeah, that would be just TERRIBLE. Now get on with it."  
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Ataru grimaced as he pulled himself out of the machinery he had been imbedded into, gritting his teeth against the pain. "Bro, think about what you're doing! You could lose your only reason for living!"  
Much to the pigtailed boy's annoyance, Ataru looked genuinely horrified for him, which meant he couldn't simply punch his brother again to silence him. "Wrong: I could lose YOUR only reason for living." Then he pounded himself in the chest. "Ranma Saotome lives for one thing: to train in the art, and be the best martial artist in the world! Frankly, I couldn't care less if I get a girlfriend along the way or not!" Then he grit his teeth angrily. "What I DO care about is being able to look at a woman without mentally undressing her! I can't live like this! I'd rather lose any interest forever than have to keep conjuring up images of my twin brother in order to keep myself from jumping girls in public!" After finishing his monologue, he frowned. "Hmmm... I probably should have kept that last part to myself." The crow aliens, Kurama included, all nodded in agreement and shuddered.  
"Well... I..." The alien woman chewed her lip nervously as she searched for a way to refuse the increasingly irritated martial artist.  
Suddenly, she brightened as a lightbulb appeared over her head, glowing brilliantly. "Wait! I've got it! There's another way! The amnesia blaster!"  
Ranma sweatdropped. "'Amnesia blaster'? That sounds WAY riskier than the stupid mirror."  
"No, it's perfect!" Kurama insisted. "The only reason I didn't think of it before is that we don't have one on hand! But I can obtain one! Don't worry!"  
"I'm very worried," Ranma deadpanned. "I'm barely clinging to my sanity as it is, and you want to fix my mind with a GUN that apparently causes AMNESIA. That worries me."  
"Oh, don't worry about that!" One of the crow men chimed in. "Many complicated technologies come in a modular gun form! It's just an efficient design!" He began listing them as he ticked each one off his feathered fingers. "Cloning guns, teleport ray-beams, feminity-regulator or 'anima' lasers, wormhole pistols..."  
"That's quite enough. Stop," Ranma commanded firmly, not having near enough patience at present to put up with extraterrestrial technology. "Fine, I'll give this thing a shot. You have three days to get it. You know where to find me when you do."  
Grabbing ahold of his brother's arm, Ranma headed for the door opposite the one in which he had entered, not giving any of the aliens present another glance.  
The bearded attendant spoke hesitantly as he saw that the powerful human seemed to be taking the long way out. "Pardon me, but there's actually an elevator lift right behind-"  
_WHAM!_ Ranma lashed out with his left foot and smashed a hole into the double doors big enough for him to step through easily.  
Ataru sweatdropped. "Hey, Ranma, don't you remember? The doors are automatic."  
"Yeah, I remember," Ranma said neutrally as he stepped through the dented doorway, pulling a terrified-looking Ataru along behind him.  
_WHAM!_

Kurama winced as the floor shook slightly from Ranma's departure, and massaged her head as more and more warning lights appeared on the damage displays.  
"Wow. He was PISSED," one of the crow technicians said in fearful awe as he stared at the hole where the door used to be.  
"For the record, I totally knew the mirror was going to fail," a different attendant said with his arms crossed over his chest. "At the very least, we should have used the more cooperative, less scary human and tried to fix him up instead of-GACK!" That particular avian alien was silenced as Kurama calmly swatted him out of the air as she walked toward the bridge exit.  
"Old one!" The crow princess called out without turning toward the bearded bird. "Search the local cosmic markets to obtain the device! You have three days to find one in this sector!"  
"Ah, yes. Of course." The crow elder was silent for a moment as Kurama made her way across the bridge. "Princess? Where are you going?"  
"I'm going to my room," Kurama answered somewhat bitterly as the ship shook slightly once again. "We're starting to get a draft in here."  
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Ranma, Ataru, Nabiki, Kasumi, Genma, and Soun all squatted at the dining room table, nursing cups of tea as they stared down at the dull, weathered wood before them.  
It was a time for contemplation for some to think over their lives so far and their future goals for the slight worry that after tonight those goals would be forever unrealized.  
For others the mood of the evening was palpable suspense, for they had sensed the disturbance in the air; something was not right, and this supper would not be one to be considered routine.  
Kasumi alone regarded the event at which they had all been gathered with regret. Apparently her attempt to mediate a truce to end the cooking feud had failed, and as usual, Akane had been the weakest link. When her younger sister had come back to the house and declared the kitchen off-limits until after dinner, Kasumi had attempted to intercept her and convince her to drop the competition, but Akane had quickly waved her off by telling the elder Tendo "Don't worry about it. I've got this thing in the bag." Seeing how busy her sister was, Kasumi had backed down then; she didn't quite have the nerve to tell the impulsive martial artist that she wasn't actually concerned about whether or not Akane would win.  
To no-one's surprise, it was Genma who broke the peaceful silence.  
"Aren't those girls done yet? It's almost eight o'clock!" The portly martial artist groused, planting an elbow on the table on which to rest his head.  
"Well, we could always put this off until tomorrow night, you know," Nabiki said, not at all unhappy at the prospect of spending another day without Akane in the kitchen, "I wasn't that hungry to begin with..." Though her tone was perfectly apathetic, inside she was dearly hoping for the others to take her up on the offer; she didn't have much faith that Akane had acquired the ability to cook edible foodstuffs so quickly.  
Soun nodded hastily. "Yes, yes! Maybe Akane could... uh... wrap it up and re-heat it tomorrow! I really am quite tired!"  
Ranma crossed his arms over his chest as the banging noises from the kitchen suddenly got louder, followed by loud, steamy hiss. "No way. Nobody's goin' anywhere. Akane wants to go through with this no matter what, so I'm gonna make sure she gets her competition. All the way to the HILT," he added with his teeth clenched.  
"Well it wouldn't kill her to get it done in-" Genma trailed off as he heard the front door open. "Hm?" You expecting company, Tendo?"  
As Soun shook his head, Nabiki frowned. "Could be Sayuri and Yuka coming to cheer Akane on, though I'd never pegged them as being dumb enough to volunteer themselves for one of Akane's meals."  
Kasumi was already on her feet and on her way to greet the newcomers, but didn't get very far before they entered the dining room, startling everyone.

"Akane? Lum?" Ranma mumbled in confusion, immediately glancing at the large temporary partition that had been set up around the kitchen entrance.  
The two newcomers were hauling a box each, and they quickly dropped their payload onto the dining room table before noticing that everyone was staring at them.  
"What? What's wrong?" Akane asked suspiciously.  
"Whoa, wait, hold on," Nabiki murmured. "Aren't you supposed to be cooking right now?"  
"Not if I want to win this thing," Akane mumbled bitterly, opening the box and pulling out a tall, misshapen glass bottle.  
"Huh... I guess she does learn if you drive a point hard enough." Before the tomboy could respond to his jibe, Ranma pointed to the kitchen entrance. "Okay, so... if you're here, who's in there?"  
"Our chef, of course," Lum said matter-of-factly as she opened up her own box and brought out a large, rounded jug. "We hired him this afternoon."  
Akane took out another bottle and then picked up the empty box for disposal. "The reason we've been gone for so long is he had us go back to his ship for the drinks. Parked a long way away, too." She turned toward Ranma. "Which reminds me. Bus fare counts toward the expense of this meal, so I don't want to hear any complaints about it later."  
Nabiki would have been proud of her sister's sudden and largely unwarranted attention to financial details, but was busy trying to wrap her mind around something else. "Wait... his SHIP?"  
"Oh. So that's why the frog-man had a chef's hat on," Ataru mumbled mostly to himself, though this immediately arrested the attention of everyone else.  
"A FROG-MAN?" Nabiki said incredulously. "Akane, have you gone completely off the deep end? You're letting an amphibian cook us dinner!"  
Lum snorted and crossed her arms over her bountiful chest. "Koppa is the best cook this side of Pegasus, so hush! You'll see what you're up against!"  
"This will not end well," Ranma said solemnly as he shook his head.

"Monsuiers! I hope you've all brought your appetites!"  
Everyone in the room suddenly turned toward the kitchen partition, and gave their rapt attention to whatever was yelling from behind it.  
"Today you dine on the most succulent delicacies in all the Milky Way!" Suddenly the lights went out, and the pair of sliding doors that connected the dining room to the backyard slid shut.  
"For tonight... you dine Keronian style!"  
_Click!_ Several spotlights appeared over the kitchen entrance, revealing the short, orange, amphibious chef where the fold-up partition had been a moment before.  
"Oh God, it **is** a frog-man," Nabiki said miserably, rubbing her forehead in exasperation. She was holding out a small tidbit of hope that Ataru was exaggerating or had been wrong. 'I should know better than to hope,' she thought cynically.  
Koppa bowed to the family, his tall, mushroom-shaped chef hat bending over slightly and scraping the floor.  
Kasumi clapped politely. Nobody else did.  
Ignoring the lack of a positive response, Koppa stepped aside from the kitchen entrance, bowing low as R2-D2 slowly rolled through into the dining room, several large serving plates stacked on a tray harness attached to its shoulder joints.  
Ranma watched carefully as Lum and Akane quickly unloaded the droid and laid the dishes out on the table, sending the robot back into the kitchen for more. 'Hmmm... I don't recognize anything here... not surprising, really... but it smells good...' A few sniffs of the air had his mouth watering at the combination of delicate spice scents and fruity aromas.  
Koppa nodded pleasantly as more food was brought out, and gestured to the bottles on the table. "These wines and juices are all personally hand-picked to perfectly complement the meal! Come! Pour a glass! Have some bread! Enjoy!"  
Nobody said anything as Lum and Akane placed the second wave of dishes on the table, nor did anyone budge to take some of the food.  
Nabiki stared at a dish that appeared to be a soft, peppered meat stuffing baked inside a shiny black shell that reminded her of a turtle's shell, but was much larger and was completely smooth.  
Kasumi stared at a bowl of steaming white grains that looked like rice, but were longer and did not appear to have any rigidity to keep them straight.  
Ataru stared at a basket of strange yellow puffs with smaller black spots all over them. Poking one and determining its softness, he guessed that the puffs were supposed to be the "bread" Koppa had mentioned.  
Soun stared at the array of long, hard appendages that were spread out over some sort of purple alien leaf. They reminded him of crab legs, except that they had a full six segments instead of three, and that some of those segments bent against each other in such a way as to make one seriously consider that evolution had fumbled horribly at some point in the specie's adaptation.  
"Huh? Why isn't anybody eating?" Koppa asked timidly, rubbing his glistening hands together. "Is something wrong?" Lum frowned as she helped bring in another large pot, noticing the others' hesitation.  
Akane looked a bit nervous herself as she put down a plate of twisted-looking meat sticks. "Um... well... it's just all so... NEW, you know?" Then she coughed into her hand. "C'mon everybody! Dig in! I'm sure it's great!" Though there was no verbal protest to the idea, the expressions with which everyone eyed the foodstuffs before them spoke volumes of their doubt.  
Not surprisingly, it was Genma who first dove into the realm of the unknown, picking up a long, red, hard-looking... thing from its plate with his chopsticks. Dipping it delicately into the sauce provided, the portly martial artist brought the morsel to his mouth, and bit off half of it without further hesitation.  
_Crunch! Crunch!_ Everybody held their breath and stared as Genma chewed.  
_Gulp!_ Genma swallowed, then quickly popped the other half of the item in his mouth, chewing and swallowing it without nearly as much drama.  
He was beginning to reach for another of the objects when he noticed that he seemed to be the center of attention. "What? What are you all staring at?"  
"Well? Is it good?" Nabiki asked. The fact that Genma had eaten it and was going back for more was reassuring, but then again, Genma had a reputation for eating just about anything and everything as a result of his extensive experience in wilderness survival.  
"Better than good," Genma said simply, snatching up another of the red things and popping it into his mouth whole. "Are any of you gonna have some, or can I eat it all?"  
Everyone at the table took great exception to this, and with some lingering nervousness, they began to fill their plates with the foodstuffs presented before them.  
"Wow! It's so... so fluffy and delicate! The spiciness is just right!" Nabiki marveled as she swallowed a bit of the meat stuffing from within the shell.  
"Oh my! It's soft and slightly sweet, with the perfect texture!" Kasumi said brightly as she ate a bit of the white grain-like dish.  
"Whoa! This bread is so buttery and... and..." he swallowed another bite of the rolls, and then remembered that this was his opponent's meal, "... and isn't really that great," he finished lamely, obviously impressed.  
"This is incredible! I've never tasted anything so wonderful!" Tears streamed down Soun's face as he swallowed a bit of meat from the strange legs, fully overcome by the wonderful taste.  
"Hmph! Told you!" Lum said proudly, crossing her arms over her breasts. "Never underestimate a Keronian's sense of taste!"  
Ranma, naturally, was far more critical of the meal than anyone else, first because it was his job to top it, and second because he had yet to try any of it. "Tell me..." he poked at one of the meat sausages with his chopsticks, "... what exactly are we eating here?"  
Koppa puffed his chest out proudly. "Well, despite Miss Akane's protests, I decided to go with insects in the end anyway!"  
A bolt of lightning flashed across the dining room as everyone except Genma froze in shock, Nabiki stopping in mid-chew.  
Ranma's expression went flat. "Insects. You're serving us insects." It was not a question. Akane flushed and began to sweat nervously.  
Nabiki shakily swallowed the meat already in her mouth, and stared at the meat stuffing... and the bowl it was served in. "This... isn't a turtle's shell, is it?"  
"Uh-uh. That's Orion beetle, a third quadrant delicacy!"  
Kasumi's smile evaporated. "This isn't rice, is it?"  
"Rice? What's 'rice'? Those are sugar-fried grubs!"  
Ataru's left eyebrow twitched. "In the bread... those aren't raisins, are they?"  
"No. Flies. Premium stock from Vega III, of course."  
Soun's hair stood straight up, though his expression was utterly serious. "So... I'm guessing this... thing isn't a crab..."  
"Nope. Drengin jungle spider. Why? What's with all the questions?" The frog-man was beginning to look upset at the queries.

Ranma shook his head and put down his chopsticks. "Look, Koppa, this has nothing to do with your ability as a cook, but you've got a bit to learn about your target demographic, here." He smirked. "Humans don't eat bugs."  
_Crunch! Gulp!_ "And why not?" Genma asked suddenly, drawing all attention to him. "Meat is meat, boy! When did you become so spoiled?"  
"It's not a matter of whether I'll eat it or not, dimwit," Ranma growled back, "this is a contest! 'Edibility' is not the issue!"  
"And what of it?" Genma snapped back, grabbing one of the spider legs in his hand. "It's still good food! Who cares?"  
"Just look around you, idiot! Everyone cares!" Ranma shouted, becoming quite irritated that his own father was the one resisting his reasoning.  
"You know..." Nabiki said suddenly, getting the attention of the others, "... insects and shellfish are actually pretty closely related."  
Soun nodded. "Ah. You don't say?"  
"Both insects and crustaceans belong to the phylum athropoda, being characterized by having segmented exoskeletons," Kasumi read, suddenly holding a book she had produced from nowhere. "As such, crustaceans and insects are actually quite close on the evolutionary scale."  
Ataru rubbed his chin. "So when you get right down to it, eating bugs isn't all that different from eating shellfish?"  
Nabiki nodded sharply as she took another serving of meat stuffing. "Just think of it as seafood."  
"Ha ha! You're right, of course!"  
"Besides, it tastes so good!"  
"It would be a shame to waste a meal like this just because of the ingredients."

Ranma gaped as the others continued eating wholeheartedly, decimating the meal with renewed fervor. Before long Akane and Lum joined them, and the pigtailed boy grasped his head in confusion as he watched the food disappear.  
'They're eating it? I can't believe they're eating it! Even after finding out the ingredients are bugs? All they needed was a flimsy excuse to keep eating?'  
He glanced at Ataru, who had moved on from the bread and was now guzzling down the special juice their chef had provided. Koppa made an offhand comment about the syrup coming from the bodily secretions of space worms. Ataru continued drinking, completely unphased.  
'This can't be! Can it really be... good?'  
Swallowing nervously, the pigtailed boy took up his chopsticks once again, and grabbed one of the meat sausages.  
"So... what is this here?" Ranma asked, trying to look uninterested and nonchalant and failing spectacularly.  
Koppa nodded and rubbed his hands together, obviously pleased. "That's my specialty, Keronian dragonfly sausage! You won't find another dish like that anywhere in this supercluster! Though I'm sure a master chef like yourself won't find it all THAT impressive..."  
Ranma twitched slightly at the implied challenge, and popped a sausage in his mouth casually.  
_Clack!_ His chopsticks fell to the table as he froze stiff. "It... It IS good... I can't... I can't believe I'm eating bugs..."  
"Ha! See? You have no chance!" Akane gloated between bites before digging into the beetle stuffing.  
Ataru swallowed one of the fly-riddled bread rolls, and then jabbed his chopsticks at her. "Ha! Don't be so quick to underestimate us! The 'Salt and Pepper' of Sakumon-Go will not be so easily defeated!"  
Nabiki sweatdropped and stopped eating. "'Salt and Pepper'? What kind of title is that?"  
"What's wrong with it? I like that title," Ataru said, clearly hurt. "'Cause, you know... we go together, right? Like salt and pepper. It's clever... right?"  
Kasumi reached over and gently patted the lecher on the shoulder. "Don't worry, I think it's very clever." Ataru brightened considerably at this. "So which one of you is salt and which is pepper?"  
Ataru blinked in surprise. "I... you know... I have no idea..." Then he shook his head furiously. "Wait! Never mind all that!" Once again jabbing his chopsticks at a bored-looking Akane, he got back into cocky challenger mode. "Don't start making dinner reservations yet; me and Ranma have got quite a few tricks up our sleeves!"  
Grinning widely, he turned toward his twin, giving him a thumbs-up. "Right, Ranma?"  
"..." Ranma didn't reply as he slowly ate the food he had served himself, his expression hard and deadly serious.  
"Ranma?" Ataru put his hand down, looking concerned. "Hey, bro, what's wrong?"  
Akane smirked. "Yeah, good luck with that. Losers." Then she went back to eating, marveling at the tender, delicious meat within the giant spider legs.  
Ranma shook his head sadly as he tried some of the juice, noting how the sticky sweetness seemed to cling to his tongue; no doubt to flavor the rest of the food. 'This is bad. Very bad.'  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ha! Did you see the expressions on their faces? Priceless!" Akane grinned as she sat on Nabiki's bed, kicking her feet up in the air. "Ranma looked like someone had died! This oughta knock him down a peg or three!"  
Nabiki nodded absently as she wrote furiously on a slip of paper. "Uh-huh. Sure. Are you absolutely sure about this?"  
Akane raised an eyebrow. "About what? About the restaurants?"  
Nabiki nodded as she finished the last entry on the list. "Here. A list of the best and most expensive restaurants in town." She slid the paper over to her younger sister, then crossed her arms under her breasts as she sat back in her office chair. "Don't make any plans though. I'd say you have a really good chance at winning, but you're setting yourself up for an awful long fall if you lose."  
Akane frowned. "You don't think those two bozos could possibly top a meal like that, do you?"  
Nabiki shrugged. "I don't cook, so I don't know. But really, all they have to do is cook a meal just as good that isn't made from bugs, and they've got my vote."  
"Hmph. Traitor." Akane mumbled.  
Nabiki smirked at her. "Don't mistake fair play for backstabbing. If you want a fixed contest, I've already given you my rates. Rates which, in my defense, I didn't offer Ranma and Ataru."  
"Of course you didn't," Akane deadpanned, "they don't have any money."  
Nabiki sweatdropped, not expecting a logical counter. "They could have money! You don't know!"  
"But I'm sure YOU know," Akane said drolly.  
'Damn, little sis is getting sharp. Maybe this competitive streak is doing her some good.' "Whatever. Have you considered my idea?"  
Akane frowned deeply. "Yes, but I still think it's stupid. Offering to let Ranma get out of buying me a dinner by taking someone else out to dinner? Why should I sponsor his perverted games?"  
"Because the return is insane," Nabiki said smartly, opening up a small ledger on her desk. "You know Ninomika? The rich little freshman girl who flunked out of the good schools? Her bid for a date with our studly guest STARTS at 100,000 yen. That's STARTS. As in 'it might get higher'. I figure we can do a half-off special for secluded lunch dates if we can keep Ataru away, too."  
"Have I mentioned that this idea is stupid? I think that's an important point to address," Akane said sourly. "I'm not going to let Ranma enjoy himself at the expense of those poor, naive girls!"  
"Earth to Akane! This is Earth, calling the space station delusion one thousand miles from reality!" Nabiki said mockingly as she waved the ledger around in the air. "It's a capitalistic exchange, woman! Everybody gets what they want! Haven't you taken economics yet? Those 'poor, naive girls' are willing to give us cash monies in exchange for a shot into Ranma's boxers! Do you have ANY IDEA what kind of money people have made exploiting teenage hormones in the past?"  
"That doesn't make it right," Akane insisted, fuming as she sat on her sister's bed with her arms crossed.  
"Who can say what's wrong or right where love is concerned?" Nabiki tried again. "C'mon! At least let me sell a date to Yuka! She's one of your best friends!"  
Akane shook her head. "No way am I going to actually set her up with that-"  
"WHAT? NO! THERE'S NO WAY!"  
Both girls blinked in surprise as a sudden shout came from the next room over, interrupting their conversation.  
"Was that Ataru? Oh, that's right. The Saotomes' room is right next to yours, huh?" Akane tapped her lip thoughtfully as the shouting quickly died down.  
Nabiki nodded. "Yup. The wall's well soundproofed, but then, those guys can get pretty loud."  
Akane frowned. Without them yelling, she couldn't hear their conversation over even the gentle hum of Nabiki's desktop computer. 'Ataru was really surprised about something... maybe they're going to forfeit? But Ranma would never do that, would he?'  
Akane glanced at Nabiki. Nabiki stared back at her, wondering why her sister had gone completely silent.  
Gently coughing into her fist, Akane tried to look as dignified and serious as possible. "Nabiki, do you happen to have a glass around?"  
"A glass?" Nabiki deadpanned. "What, are you going to hold it against the wall to listen in on their conversation?"  
Akane glared at her. "You have a better idea?"  
Her sister snorted. "Amateur." Then she leaned back and opened up one of her desk cabinets, revealing a switchbox. Then she reached for the switch on the far right and flipped it.  
_You can't be serious! That dish is forbidden for a reason!_ Came Ataru's voice from Nabiki's computer speakers.  
Akane sweatdropped. 'So THAT'S how she always knows where my chocolate stash is.'  
_Yeah, it's forbidden because it's so good that it's irresistible. Look, do you think I don't understand the risks here?  
But it doesn't make sense! It's just a contest!  
No, to YOU it's just a contest! You have no pride! You don't care about losing or giving up! But not me! I refuse to bow out and let Akane take this! I won't let it happen!  
Then don't! We have other dishes! We don't need the Dragon's Six Tongues!_  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow as Akane frowned.  
_How about the Crane Festival Feast?  
Nowhere near good enough!  
Oh! The Tiger's Catch Delight!  
There are no complimentary beverages. If we leave the drink aspect open, we lose!  
Then... Then what about the... the Mountain Hermit Surprise! That's perfect!  
Huh... I guess it could work... if you know a place to get fresh mountain bear and North Bayakan Mountain mushrooms. Those only grow like three hundred miles from here.  
But... come on! The Dragon?  
It's the only way, Ataru. It guarantees our victory. I know it'll be hard, I know it'll even be dangerous, but I'm going to do it. What I need to know is: are you going to help?_  
Akane and Nabiki stared at each other as a doubtful silence dominated the audio link.  
_Well... I..._  
Ataru's weak, stumbling voice trailed off again.  
_Ranma... you're my brother, man... I'd never turn my back on you..._  
Nabiki snickered. "Awww, how touching."  
_You mean other than all those times you did? Like when you stir up trouble and then run away once I arrive to get you out of it?  
Yeah, besides that. Other than all those times, I'm totally with you. And now isn't one of those times.  
Great. 'Cause this is pretty much the one thing I can actually use your help on.  
Of course! Oh, hey! I've been thinking about our title!  
We do NOT have a title! I told you to cut that out!  
No, no, hear me out! I was thinking that you should probably be Pepper, since it's black, and you're kinda dark and hard-edged and Ninja-like and stuff, right? So then I should be Salt, because... uh... because I'm not Pepper. You see? It's perfect!_  
_Click!_ Nabiki flipped the switch as she rolled her eyes, quickly tiring of their renewed banter.  
"Well, that was interesting. 'Dragon's Six Tongues'. Sounds exotic."  
Akane frowned deeply. "Those two are up to something..."  
"If by 'up to something' you mean, 'working together to plan and create a meal better than yours, as is the whole point of your stupid contest', then yes, they sure are," Nabiki drawled. "Anyway, it's getting late, and you have your list. I want you to put some serious thought into my offer though, all right?"  
Akane nodded absently, not actually listening anymore. "Sure. Offer. Right." Getting up off of Nabiki's bed, she grabbed the list her sister had written out, and then slowly walked into the hallway.  
"Yup. She's totally zoned out," Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Well, whatever. I have everything to gain from this nonsense and nothing to lose." She grinned as she put away the small ledger and took out another that was the same kind, but older. Then she turned off her PC and strolled into the hallway, turning immediately into the Saotomes' room.  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey! Akane!" Yuka hissed at her friend while the teacher began to take roll. "Where's Ranma today? Don't you come to school together?"  
Akane shrugged, though Yuka noticed a deep concern about her. "I dunno. I guess he had stuff to do."  
Sayuri overheard this, and scratched her chin. "Then shouldn't Ranko be covering for him? That's what she does, right?"  
Akane sweatdropped. "Uh... right... she had... stuff to do too."  
"Man, that's a busy family. Even Ataru's gone," Yuka mumbled before her name was called, prompting her to stand up.  
Akane growled slightly as she stood up for roll. 'Those two are going to spend ALL DAY cooking? Just what are they planning?'  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So Ataru is really spending the whole day cooking with Ranma?" Shinobu said, a bit mystified. "Wow... he really is a cook! That's great!"  
Yuka raised an eyebrow. "It is? Why?"  
"Well, think about it," Akane deadpanned, "does Ataru HAVE any other positive traits?"  
Yuka and Sayuri nodded in understanding. Shinobu glared at Akane.  
Taking another bite of her lunch, Akane swallowed and then shook her head. "But what could they be making that they'd have to take the whole day off from school?"

"Alas, if it isn't the fierce tigress Akane Tendo! My love, whereabouts lie the scoundrels that normally foul your most divine presence?" Kuno asked as he climbed up the grassy slope toward the four seated girls, bokken resting on his shoulder.  
Akane sighed. "They're not here, Kuno."  
"They're not?"  
"No, they're not." Akane took another bite of her lunch, waiting for the moron to make his move on her. After she had calculated the precise angle at which to hit Kuno to send him across the campus, she looked up to see that the kendoist hadn't come any closer, but was instead rubbing his chin in contemplation. "Well?"  
Kuno looked startled, but recovered quickly. "Very well, then. Where are the foul Saotome siblings?"  
The short-tempered martial artist rolled her eyes. "Not here! They're at home or at the market or making out with their girlfriends or something! Forget about them!"  
"NEVER!" Kuno suddenly roared, causing the girls to jerk back in surprise. "How dare those two attempt to have their respective ways with the princess of the stars, the glorious Lum, and the honorable warrior beauty, the exotic Shampoo!"  
"Hey, what am I, chopped liver?" Akane complained, getting raised eyebrows from Shinobu and Yuka.  
"Fiends! Treacherous dogs! As if I would let those villains defile such beauty! Never, I say! I will rescue the divine lovelies Lum and Shampoo from their evil clutches!"  
"Who's evil clutches?" Lum asked, floating up behind the nobleman and looking extremely bored.  
"Stupid stick boy no rescue Shampoo; Shampoo no in trouble!" The Amazon took a moment to point out the obvious as she gave the kendoist an irritated glare.  
Akane groaned as their lunch party gained two outsiders. "What are you two doing here?"  
Lum pouted. "Darling told me to get out of the house while he was cooking, so I'm not allowed back there until dinnertime."  
Shampoo's left eyebrow twitched. "Shampoo barely see Ranma once in three chapter, and he run away screaming. No can find now, either."  
"Isn't he at home?" Shinobu ventured.  
"No, Shampoo check. And then Ataru yell at Shampoo for breaking down wall, and he throw Shampoo out, saying he need concentrate."  
This caught everybody's attention. Ataru had yelled at a desirable female, and then gotten rid of her?  
"My God, this can't be happening..." Akane mumbled to herself, grasping her head between her hands. "Just think: if Ataru actually CAN put the energy of his libido into other efforts... anything is possible!"  
"Hmmm..." Kuno once again rubbed his chin thoughtfully, taking no apparent interest in the women surrounding him.  
"Are you still here?" Akane asked irritably, raising her head again to glare at the upperclassman.  
Kuno nodded slowly. "It would seem that without the cowardly barbarian Ranma to rise against me in challenge... well... I'm rather at a loss with how to proceed."  
Yuka sweatdropped. "I swear, some guys get so deep into their lame routines..."  
"So you're not going to leave until somebody beats you up?" Akane asked, finishing her lunch and standing up. Then she started cracking her knuckles as a smile slowly began to spread over her face.  
Kuno blinked. "Why do you ask? Did you perhaps see Saotome somewhere?"  
A vein popped up on Akane's head, but before she could speak or attack, Sayuri pointed to something off by the main school building.  
"Hey, isn't that him over there?"  
Everybody turned and stared. Ranma was walking away from one of the science labs across the field, carrying a large plastic case with him.

"Huh. I guess he did come to school after all," Akane mused, unsure what to think of that.  
Shinobu frowned. "What's he doing with one of the chemistry lab sets?"  
No answer was forthcoming, so the small group continued to watch numbly as Ranma continued to walk away from the main building toward Furinkan's swimming facilities.  
Akane frowned. This was odd not only because Ranma couldn't swim without becoming a girl and revealing his curse, but also because he had been instrumental in destroying the pool with Kuno's help just last week, and it was currently being repaired. There could be no mistaking this fact, as the area was clearly cordoned off with black and yellow warning tape, and there were several men and machines working around the large, broken pit that used to be the pool, along with a cement mixing truck that had just dropped off its load.  
"What he doing?" Shampoo asked as she watched Ranma walk up to one of the construction workers and start a conversation. Normally she would have rushed over to greet him and invite him on a date, but her beloved seemed unusually preoccupied, for some reason.  
Yuka scratched her head as Ranma's conversation seemed to take a turn downhill, with the worker shaking his head and shooing Ranma away. "I have no idea..."  
I response, Ranma grabbed the man and slammed him into the side of the cement truck before throwing him aside.  
Everyone sweatdropped.  
Several of the construction workers took exception to this, and two of them began whirling their shovels around in the air in precise, practiced patterns while they yelled something angrily - most likely a challenge from their particular school of martial arts - before charging.  
Everyone sweatdropped again as Ranma made short work of the part-time martial artists, eventually kicking each one into the ruined foundation of the swimming pool.  
Then he leaned over and took something from the first man he had knocked out. After that, he climbed into the cement mixing truck, laboratory supplies in hand.

Akane twitched as the truck started up and began to move onto the path to the parking lot. "Did Ranma... just steal a cement truck?"  
"I didn't think he had a license..." Sayuri said.  
"He just beat up six people and took their vehicle. Do you think he's worried about whether he can legally drive or not?" Akane deadpanned.  
Sayuri blushed. "Uhm... okay, maybe not."  
"Most ominous."  
"GWAAAH!" Everybody jumped away from Cherry, who had once again appeared in midst of them from nowhere.  
"I say, monk! A word of warning as you approach!" Kuno demanded, holding his hand over his chest.  
"Aiyah! How come ugly little man move so quiet?" Shampoo asked as she picked herself up, quite annoyed that she hadn't sensed the pest's approach.  
Cherry shook his head and jabbed his staff at Akane, ignoring the others. "Do not think I've been kept ignorant of recent events! You've incurred the wrath of the Sakumon-Go, young lady! Did you really think you could contend with such power?"  
The youngest Tendo merely sighed and turned away. "Would somebody punt him away, already?"  
"Wait! There's something you should see!" Cherry said desperately, noticing that Shampoo had been getting ready to comply. "Come! I want you to see just what kind of ancient power you've provoked!"  
Akane groaned and looked over her shoulder at the ugly little man, glowering at him. "What about school?"  
"Wrath of Sakumon-Go! Ancient power! Provoked!"  
Heaving a great sigh, Akane stood up. "All right, all right... might as well go see what the big deal is, anyway. C'mon Lum, we're going home early."  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All things considered, Akane had been ready to see pretty much anything upon arriving at home.  
The fact that last night she had dined on gigantic insects had jaded her to exotic or unusual ingredients. The idea that Ranma had "borrowed" a cement mixer had prepared her for any unusual implements or tools she might find the Saotome twins using. And after the religious rites she had witnessed from the two, she wouldn't have batted an eye at seeing them cook their food using bizarre magic, or summoning their ingredients from a magic circle or something.  
"How do they do it?" She mumbled as she watched Ataru, fully dressed up in a radiation suit, haul a heavy metal case with a yellow radiation trifoil stamped on the side. "How do they always manage to top the worst-case scenario? EVERY SINGLE TIME."  
Cherry nodded. "Told ya so."  
Ataru stopped for a moment to glance at the two individuals staring at him from across the street, then shrugged and continued his work, struggling to carry the abnormally heavy container into the white tent that had been erected on one side the house where the kitchen was. Akane noted that there were several foil-covered tubes attached to the tent, and that one of them was feeding through to the now-active cement mixer that Ranma had acquired earlier.  
Lum frowned. "What is that? Plutonium? Is darling using my special cake recipe?"  
After taking a moment to grimace, Akane turned toward Cherry, her featured hardening. "Okay, you. You know something about this Sakumon-Go nonsense, right? Spill it! What's the 'Dragon's Six Tongues' dish?"  
Cherry raised an eyebrow. "How should I know?"  
"I'm asking you nicely," Akane growled, cracking her knuckles. "If you don't cooperate, I'll ask not-nicely."  
Cherry swallowed nervously, and started to regret bringing the volatile schoolgirl here. "Well, I'm not familiar with the particulars the Sakumon-Go, but the 'Six' refers to the number of different dishes being served."  
Akane nodded curtly. "And what about the rest of it? Are they really cooking dragon's tongue?" Lum made a disgusted face at the prospect.  
Cherry sweatdropped. "I very much doubt it. The names of the dishes are largely arbitrary; much like exotic martial arts techniques, they end up being named after animals and legendary creatures and whatnot."  
"Hmmm... okay..." Akane started to rub her chin thoughtfully, when Kasumi emerged from the front door, waving to her.  
"Akane, Lum-chan, you're home early!" The homemaker said cheerfully, beckoning her inside. "Come on in! It seems dinner will be ready earlier than usual tonight!"  
Akane entered the house dubiously as a loud drilling noise became apparent from the kitchen. "They're really... busy in there, aren't they?"  
A muffled bang followed the drilling, causing Lum to frown doubtfully. Even SHE didn't make this much noise when she cooked.  
Kasumi chuckled lightly, and then led Akane, Lum, and Cherry into the dining room, whereupon she gestured to a metal vault wall that had been erected over the kitchen entrance. "You could say that, yes."  
"Hmph. You seem awful cheerful," Akane mumbled as she sat down at the dining room table. She remembered distinctly that her oldest sister hadn't been nearly so sunny when she was conducting her half of the competition.  
The eldest Tendo nodded, ignoring or missing the disturbance in her sister's attitude. "Ranma and I spent most of the day talking about his recipes; he's actually taught me quite a bit!"  
"That's just swell," Akane groused. 'Figures. He's trying to work the judges! I'll bet he'd be bribing Nabiki if he had the money!'  
Kasumi then cast an uneasy glance at Cherry. "Uh... are you going to be eating with us too, Cherry-san?"  
"But of course," Cherry said as he placed his staff against the wall. "The Saotomes' fortune brings ill will upon us all. It is my duty to stay here, to better see you innocent victims through these difficult times."  
"What 'difficult times'?" Ranma asked.  
Cherry slowly craned his head upwards, and eventually saw that Ranma was standing over him, glaring downwards. "Why, the difficulties generated by your curse of misfortune and generally horrible luck, of course."  
"Unlike SOME people, I can cook," Ranma growled. "There will be no 'difficult times' as a result of MY meal. So get outta here, Broccoli."  
A vein popped up on Cherry's head. "Oh, come on! That's not even a fruit!"  
"Whatever. Goodbye, old man."  
Cherry shrugged his shoulders, and then lowered his head.  
After a few seconds, he craned his head upwards again. "Well? Aren't you leaving?"  
"No," Ranma said simply, "I'm not."  
The repulsive monk blinked, and then his face darkened as realization dawned. "Oh."  
_Boot! CRASH!_

"So WHAT, exactly, are you doing in there anyway?" Akane asked irritably as she waved away some of the falling plaster that was raining onto the table from above.  
"Cooking," Ranma replied sharply. "Something you know nothing about."  
A vein popped up on the volatile schoolgirl's head. "I know enough to know that **nuclear fission** isn't normally part of it!"  
"Unless you're making Neptunian ash cake," Lum amended, having far more experience in the realm of atomic-powered cooking. Everybody ignored her.  
"Well, throwing energy bolts isn't normally part of martial arts," Ranma pointed out smugly to Akane, "unless you're really, really good at it, that is."  
As Akane fumed, the vault door that had been erected over the kitchen shook mightily and then rotated slowly, eventually turning a full ninety degrees before unlocking and opening.  
_Bleep! Bloop! Bloop!_ R2-D2 rolled into the dining room its domed head turning slightly to point its optical sensor at Ranma.  
The pigtailed boy nodded. "Does Ataru have the settings right? We can't afford to add too much."  
_BRAAAP! Blip-Blip!_  
"Gotcha. It's time to get back to work," dusting off his hands, he pulled a radiation suit off of the coat rack near the entrance.  
"What's with all the protective gear?" Akane asked dubiously. "Are you doing something dangerous in there?"  
"Yes," Ranma answered simply as he stepped into the suit and zipped up the front.  
Akane blinked in surprise at the straightforward response. "Is it safe to do it in the house like this?"  
"Not really, no," he replied as he put on the lead-lined boots and heavy gloves.  
Another vein popped up on Akane's head. "So you're risking a nuclear meltdown that could fry this entire neighborhood just to make some super-dish to beat me?"  
Ranma put the mask on over his head, concealing his face behind a tinted faceplate. "Yeah, that's actually pretty accurate," he admitted in a muffled voice before he stepped over toward the vault and into the kitchen, R2-D2 following closely behind him.

Akane whirled around to face Kasumi and Lum, looking furious. "Can you believe that jerk? He's toying with our lives here just to satisfy his selfish pride!"  
Lum rolled her eyes. "Girl, please. It's just plutonium. I've had mixed drinks with more punch than that stuff. I'm sure we'll be fine."  
Not really expecting the alien girl to sympathize with the dangers of modern Earth technology (alien technology, which the oni was quite familiar with, was far more unreliable and generally unstable), she turned toward Kasumi, who was sipping some tea. "Kasumi, how can you be so calm? If he screws up, your kitchen is toast." She stopped and frowned. "Plus, you know, we'll all be dead."  
"Ranma won't screw up. He's very good at what he does," Kasumi insisted, putting down her tea. "And he's not the only one who's put pride before their household and family." Without changing her expression, she raised her cup again and took another long sip.  
Akane felt a slight chill run down her back, as if the comment had been referring to her, for some reason. 'No, it couldn't be... she must be talking about Dad... though he doesn't really have much in the pride department... or Nabiki? No, wait, she puts money before her household and family...'  
_Tong! Tong! Tong!_ The girls' attention turned toward the heavy vault door as someone knocked on the other side of it.  
"Dinner's in an hour!" Ranma shouted, his yelling muffled by both the suit he wore and the door he was yelling through.  
Akane just grimaced as the girls around her just nodded. This was going to end badly, she just knew it.

End Chapter 8


	9. Consequences Suck

"Hello everybody!" Ataru said cheerfully, waving. "And welcome to another edition of Takahashi Theatre!"

Ranma nodded as he crossed his arms over his chest. "In today's very special omake, we'll be going over the fictional and entirely ridiculous history of the Sakumon-Go school of martial arts cooking!"

"Like everything else in our ludicrous world, the Sakumon-Go school is an ordinary, sane practice that somebody decided wasn't painful and stupid enough. So they decided to do it while fighting. This form was first practiced by Tsukamo Onoe, who discovered the technique of a hundred blades, in which one keeps a great excess of cleavers and knives, and then throws them at opponents when you're done with them rather than rinsing them off. Quite unsanitary, but it wasn't a bad technique really. Soon she expanded into other forms of cooking combat, including hot oil blasts, pressure-cooker cannons, and the dreaded powder-your-face-with-flour-and-then-scare-the-enemy-into-thinking-you're-a-ghost technique."

Ataru shook his head. "Unfortunately, it didn't really work out. Although occasionally it was handy to be able to cook a full-course dinner while punching the guy next to you, it turns out that not many people attack chefs. Or at least, not while they're cooking. And nobody liked judging martial arts cooking competitions because most of the techniques involved utterly ruining or even poisoning your opponent's food. Usually the contest went to the cook whose meal was most obviously edible. Onoe-sensei perished alone and poor after her three-hundred-and-eighty-fifth restaurant closed down. All of her cooking assistants just found it too hard to work with her constantly throwing knives and shooting ingredients at them."

Ranma picked it up again, rolling down a diagram showing a man in a chef's hat with several arrows drawn along his arms and legs. "The next experiment was done with ki manipulation. By focusing one's life force during certain 'flash points' in a meal's cooking process and infusing spices with his energies, the old master of Sakumon-Go, Junai Kyomori, found that he could create food that pulsed with the energy of his skill and passion!"

Ataru shook his head again. "That also didn't work out. Seems that people don't like it when their food glows. Kinda creeps them out. Also, whenever he put too much ki into a dish, it would explode the moment someone bit into it. Master Kyomori's legacy ended when he was sued by three dozen customers with broken jaws and driven into debt and poverty."

"Finally, we come to Geni Sakurazaka, Master of One Thousand Ladles!" Ranma said, gripping his hand into a fist. "He had the idea that instead of trying to incorporate violent practices into cooking, which isn't really a violent or even competitive activity, Sakumon-Go should instead incorporate the more discipline-based principles of martial arts. Things such as balance, improvisation, will, and spending months at a time in the middle of Goddamn nowhere. So it was that our master traveled all over Japan and Eastern Asia, searching out the best recipes of the land and finding new ways to cook them."

"Surprisingly, this worked," Ataru explained. "As it turned out, a lot of people in backwater villages and isolated towns had great recipes that could be expanded upon easily because those people didn't have access to a wide range of ingredients and cooking implements. It's said that this title, 'Master of One Thousand Ladles,' came about because a great many of these recipes were soups and stews, which are very popular in isolated places that don't have much in the way of supermarkets and whatnot."

Ranma nodded. "At last, the Sakumon-Go had been reborn! During his travels, Sakurazaka-sensei began to pick up apprentices to learn and spread his art, and also took trips to monasteries and temples, mostly in honor of the traditions of the traveling martial artist. There he learned the rites and rituals related to the spiritual side of cooking."

"But his story was not yet complete!" Ataru warned. "For although he had mastered and improved upon thousands of recipes, Sakurazaka-sensei still feared that his art, loosely tied to the dying art of hand-to-hand combat, would not survive the modern era. He had to establish something, ANYTHING within the art that would take his beloved school into the future."

"So it was that he invested the last of his savings into a trip to Russia. For it was his destiny to cook... using the power of the ATOM." Ranma pulled down another diagram showing a long list of nuclear physics equations. "Under the tutelage of some of the saner nuclear scientists this side of the continent, he formulated new, cutting-edge recipes that used levels of energy that could ONLY be delivered with the heat borne of the very sun. His work complete, he sealed his master recipes into a scroll and protected it with powerful seals, vowing that he would only hand them down to his children once they had fully mastered his art!"

Ataru shrugged. "That didn't work out. Unfortunately, all that work around nuke labs took all the powder out of his cannon, if you know what I mean. And just his luck, he was one of those ultra-serious artist types who decide not to marry or mess around until their master works are complete. Feh. So, with his family line essentially dead and his school having no true heir, Sakurazaka-sensei decided, in a fit of depression, to hand over his ultimate secrets to the next couple brats he had to train. Guess who that was!"

Ranma nodded. "Yes, the future of Sakumon-Go now rests entirely in the hands of the Saotome family. It is up to us now to write the next chapter in the saga of this ancient, esteemed, and probably doomed art." "And now you know the **rest** of the back-story!" Ataru cheered. "On to the show!"

Takahashi Soup  
by Black Dragon

Disclaimer: All your chars are belong to us!

Chapter 9  
Consequences Suck  
**********************************************************************************

The Tendo family sat in uncomfortable silence as they waited at the dinner table, each one engaged in their own personal activities to stave off curious speculation as to what was happening in the kitchen.

Soun was reading the paper, just like he always did when he wasn't playing games with Genma despite not knowing or caring a damn bit about current events.

Nabiki had a calculator out and was looking over some reports of the current value of plutonium on the international market. 'Ataru had better have stolen that stuff, or Akane might be in some DEEP trouble.'

Akane was grinding her teeth as she felt the waves of heat and the occasional disturbing vibration from the huge vault-like door that had been erected over the entrance to the kitchen. She was extremely irritated that this didn't seem to be visibly bothering anyone else.

Kasumi, as usual, was calm despite all that was happening, though she seemed deep in thought, at least.

Genma was drumming his fingers impatiently against the surface of the table. Suffice to say, he was looking forward to that night's meal, and was not at all concerned that it apparently involved nuclear science.

Lum was likewise getting impatient, but it wasn't so much from anticipation as it was ordinary boredom. The tension was too strong for anybody to try striking up a conversation, and the two greatest sources of physical entertainment/violence in the household were both in the heavily-reinforced kitchen.

Cherry was praying silently at the table, his head bowed as he tried to identify the most recent bad omens.

"... Excuse me," Soun began, his eyebrow twitching, "didn't Ranma kick you out earlier?"

The monk looked up. "I landed near a bus stop. Well, actually, I landed ON the bus stop. Terrible mess, that."

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "You're a resilient old geezer, aren't you?"

Cherry nodded and raised his palm over his forehead in what the others guessed was some obscure religious gesture. "Indeed. Decades of harsh monastic training have made my body nigh impervious." He reached past Akane and took Soun's tea without asking, promptly taking a sip. "That, plus all the constant beatings. For some reason, certain individuals seem to thrive on assaulting holy men."

"Right. Anti-religious punks. Lot of those around," Nabiki drawled as Soun glared at the little old man.

"Aren't those two done yet?" Lum groused. "Honestly, what kind of low-grade plutonium are they using that it takes this long to cook a meal?"

"That's actually kind of a good question," Nabiki mumbled, returning her thoughts to her earlier musings. "I wonder where they got it?"

* * *

"............" A Middle Eastern man with an AK-47 strapped to his back scratched his head as he looked at the bulky device sitting inside a large plastic suitcase, held in place by sytrofoam inserts. "It looks like a garbage disposal..."

A second man shrugged as he looked over the device as well. "That's just how these sorts of things are designed, is all." He grinned malevolently. "Don't worry about it! All we have to do is get within a mile of the Americans' military base, drop the package, flip the switch, and then drive out! Easy!"

"A mile? Even if it is a nuclear device, can something this small explode over that distance?" the first man asked skeptically.

"What'd I tell you? Don't worry about it!"

Despite his partner's insistence to the contrary, he **did** seem quite worried. "Are you SURE the guy you met was a nuclear scientist?"

"Uh? Well... sure!" The second individual trailed off in thought. "Well, no, not COMPLETELY sure. Though he was Russian. That's pretty much the same thing, right?"

"Really?"

"Well... he said he was Russian, anyway. Or maybe he was, like, half Russian. He seemed a bit on the short side."

"And THIS is the guy you gave our nuclear materials to?"

"Look, I don't know what you're worrying for. We gave him the glowy stuff and he gave us our bomb. At a HUGE discount, may I remind you! Now stop whining and let's go kill some infidels."

* * *

In the kitchen, Ranma drew an obscure symbol over his chest - still protected by the hazmat suit, of course - as the pot before him bubbled and shook violently.

In response, the shaking slowed dramatically to the point of a slight trembling, and the pigtailed boy took a calm breath before taking off the lid.

_Fwaash!_ Thick steam with a deep, rich aroma poured up from the mouth of the pot, dampening Ranma's hair as he lifted up the mask of his suit and leaned in to take in the scent.

He frowned. "Ataru! The temperature is at least ten degrees too low! Bump up the power!"

"It's no good! She can't take any more, Ranma!"

"I said bump up the power, damn it!" the martial artist cried, slamming the lid back onto the pot.

Ataru grit his teeth as he slowly turned the dial up, and the large, cylindrical construction that had been attached to Kasumi's oven started to shake unsteadily. "I'm not sure how much longer I can keep 'er together!"

"Stop complaining and work! I want those side dishes garnished! Potatoes and asparagus on point with the corn backing them up! Go, go, go!"

Sweating inside his hazmat suit, Ataru picked up a crowbar in one hand and a monkey wrench in the other, descending on a number of sealed steel containers that were glowing ominously as they were swathed in nuclear fire. "This is the final stretch! We have to give it everything we've got! HYAAAAH!!"

* * *

The individuals waiting in the dining room sweatdropped as they heard a series of harsh clanking noises coming from the kitchen, followed by a deep rumble that reverberated throughout the entire house.

"So, seriously, NO ONE else is worried about an impending nuclear explosion?" Akane deadpanned.

Nabiki shrugged. "Well, I'd guess that it's at least as important to them not to mess up as it to us. They'd die too, after all."

"So you're fine with betting your immediate future on Ataru's competency around an atomic core?"

Nabiki frowned. "I was kind of hoping that Ranma would be in charge of not accidentally killing us all."

"Like he's any better," Akane mumbled, "he hasn't even completed algebra class yet..."

_Thwoom!_ A muffled explosion from the kitchen had Akane covering her head in an instant, and Nabiki yawned.

"Sis, calm down. If there IS a meltdown, we'll be vaporized before we even knew what was happening."

"You're NOT helping, Nabiki!"

_Clunk!_

Everybody snapped to attention as the vault sealing off the kitchen from the dining room started to open.

"It's about time!" Genma snapped. "Really, what were you two doing in there? You're not cooking for a banquet, just-" _Clang!_ The rotund man jerked back as the lid to a red-hot metal container bounced off his forehead, managing to scorch him despite the bare instant of contact and the bandanna wrapped around his head. "YOW!"

A heavy breathing sound came from the larger of the two figures wearing haz-mat suits before it spoke. "Sorry. I was actually aiming for Cherry."

"What did I do?" Asked the little old monk, who was poking his head out from behind Genma's bulk.

"Nothing yet," the larger figure said, smacking a fist into its gloved palm. "It just seemed like a good idea."

Behind him, the slightly smaller figure - presumably Ataru - was holding a geiger counter in the air as he checked its readout. "Hmmmm... okay, looks like we're clean."

Ranma nodded before pulling off the mask to the suit, and then went back into the kitchen.

When he came back out, he was carrying two large plates of hot, steaming food, and a bowl of food perched on his head. Ataru entered as he came out, and soon reappeared pushing a cart covered in more dishes.

The Tendos blinked as they stared at the heavily-charred mass of meat that Ranma set on the table.

"Is that... chicken?" Nabiki asked, dumbfounded. "Your ultimate, super-tasty uber-dish is chicken?"

"That's disgusting," Lum said, making a face. "You eat **birds**?" On her planet, the vile creatures were widely regarded as vermin, picking at litter to eat. She couldn't imagine that they tasted very good.

"Oh, shut it," Ranma snapped, putting down the other dishes. "Everyone ate the amphibian's stuff after they found out it was made from bugs, so no one gets to turn down this food until after they've tried it."

"Baked potatoes... asparagus... creamed corn... toasted garlic bread... rice pilaf?" Nabiki said, utterly mystified.

Ranma blinked. "What? Something you don't like?"

Kasumi smiled reassuringly. "Oh, no, it's not that. We were just expecting... more exotic food."

"Well, we would've done something like that, but this is pretty much our best menu," Ataru explained as he started setting out more food, which included a few more whole chickens. "Sometimes the best dish is the simplest, you know?"

"Why western food, though?" Soun asked as he stared critically at the knife and fork placed in front of him.

"Because you don't cook most sushi. OBVIOUSLY." Ranma said bluntly. "That'd be quite a waste of a nuclear core, now wouldn't it?"

Soun sweatdropped. "I... ah... I suppose... it would?"

"Exactly," agreed the pigtailed boy as he filled everyone's cups with tea. Or at least, it was a hot substance that was being poured from a teapot. Tea didn't usually fizzle rapidly like this liquid did.

Everybody took a moment to reflect upon the entire meal once it was set out, and then shrugged and started serving themselves. The food may not have looked like anything special, but unlike their last supper, it wasn't anything that they'd hesitate to put in their mouths.

As before, it was Genma who took the first bite, tearing off the better part of a chicken drumstick.

_Gulp!_ "Ha! You boys have done your father proud, for once! Good job!" Genma crowed, eagerly vamping up his eating speed.

The others started more slowly, if only because they were unused to western eating utensils.

Appreciative murmurs came from the table as everyone began eating.

Nabiki, who was the taking this contest the most seriously of everyone at the table - beyond Akane and Lum, even - frowned.

The meal was good. Very good, in fact. Not great, though. The chicken, though it looked rather burnt and dry, held a hidden salty moisture within that made it much better than it looked. The rice pilaf was zesty with just the right amount of bitterness. And the tea... was all right. Good, but not great.

Akane was already looking victorious as she ate, but Nabiki was confused. This was not a world-class, five-star meal. Honestly, this wasn't even as good as some of Kasumi's best cooking.

And yet Ranma and Ataru were sitting near the vault entrance, looking utterly unconcerned as they chatted with each other and ate some soup.

'They were both there last night. They have to know this food doesn't stack up with Koppa's bugs. Maybe they messed up and didn't realize it? No... any real chef would taste-test their food and notice any problems... What am I missing here?'

As the gears turned in her head, the mercenary decided to investigate a little.

"You know boys, there's enough food here for you too," Nabiki said casually in the midst of nibbling on some asparagus, "you don't have to sit off on your own and eat soup."

The Saotome twins stopped talking and looked at her.

"The chef must not partake in the Dragon's Six Tongues," Ranma said. From his tone, it sounded like he was quoting someone else.

"Huh? So, what, you don't try the food before you serve it?" Nabiki asked. That would make sense, if their cooking had been complicated by some stupid arbitrary code they were sworn to ahead of time.

"Oh, no, we taste-test it first," Ataru corrected, "I mean, what kind of worthless, idiot cook doesn't taste their food before serving it?"

Akane and Lum both flushed slightly and started eating faster.

Ranma continued. "But actually sitting down and eating the meal with the client is strictly forbidden." Coughing into his hand briefly, he went on. "This meal was designed to be made for royalty and for wedding feasts to cement important political marriages, so tradition dictates that the cook must never join the meal."

"It's said that if the Dragon's Six Tongues is served at your wedding, the couple are guaranteed a long and exciting wedding night!" Ataru piped up cheerfully, winking.

"Thank you for that crude and utterly useless fact," Ranma deadpanned. "Now shut up."

"Well, you're not serving lords or royalty now, so why don't you have a taste?" Nabiki asked.

Ataru blinked. "That's an excellent point. I think I'll-" he started to get up, only to have his legs kicked out from under him.

Ranma glared at his twin brother. "The chef must not partake in the Dragon's Six Tongues!" He repeated firmly. "Don't dishonor our dear, departed master!"

"But he isn't dead!" Ataru protested.

Ranma's answer was to simply swat the lecher upside the head. "Silence! Shut up and eat your soup!"

'Hmph. Stupid, worthless outdated customs,' Nabiki thought to herself as she tore off some more chicken and put it in her mouth.

She had to admit, though, the chicken was very good. Great, even.

'Wow... this stuff kind of grows on you,' she considered as she finished off the thigh she had taken and washed it down with some tea.

"Well now, this is very good indeed," Soun said as he scooped up some rice, "though I'm not sure it quite measures up to that frog man's dish."

Nabiki's eyes snapped toward the Saotome brothers, and she felt her frustration rise in concert with her curiosity as she saw that Ranma and Ataru continued eating their soup as if nothing was wrong.

"Ha! This isn't anything special at all!" Akane said happily, picking up a drumstick. "Koppa's food was way better than this!"

Nabiki turned toward the Tendo homemaker, who was enjoying her meal in appreciative silence. "So sis..." she began, licking her lips gingerly, "as a cook, what do you think of it?"

Kasumi quashed the sigh that threatened to bubble up on reflex; she really didn't want to have to make a judgment that would only make Ranma and Akane's fighting worse, but she felt obliged to give her honest opinion on the meal.

"Well Nabiki, I was thinking that the flavor seems unremarkable at first, but it might be because I'm not used to the seasonings. I deal mostly with Japanese food, after all," Kasumi explained, pausing to eat a sliver of chicken. "But I find that the more I eat, the tastier the food becomes."

"You're right!" Lum agreed, speaking around a mouthful of rice. "I thought it was strange at first, but it does get better as you eat more!"

"Such is the mastery of the Sakumon-Go!" Cherry said gravely, gulping down some tea before he continued. "You must never let your guard down, for even the most humble dish contains hidden delights! Truly this is the epitome of all mortal meals!"

_Boot! CRASH!_

Akane winced as pieces of ceiling fell down onto her head from Cherry's painful departure. "Why'd you do that? He was complimenting you."

Ranma blinked as he sat back down. "Oh. You're right... sorry, force of habit."

"It IS a useful habit, though," Ataru admitted, putting aside his empty bowl.

Nabiki paused briefly in shoveling down more rice to take another survey of the reactions around the table.

Soun was trying to keep a very sober expression, but his pace of eating and the occasional expression of contentment that slipped through revealed his satisfaction with the meal.

Kasumi was the opposite, in that she was outwardly very pleased, but the occasional hint of dissatisfaction would appear every once in a while. Nabiki doubted that it had anything to do with the food, though.

Lum looked far too happy with the meal, considering that she was heartily enjoying her opponent's food, though Nabiki suspected that whatever determination the space oni had entered the contest with had long ago abated. Lum didn't have the greatest attention span, and wasn't really one for holding grudges.

Akane... was looking steadily more upset. Her expression was starkly opposite that of everyone else at the table; the better the food got, the more her smug, victorious smile deteriorated. Nabiki guessed that if the food got much tastier, Akane would soon snap and attack the Saotome boys in an indignant rage.

Genma's eating pace hadn't changed at all, nor had his expression. Either the elder Saotome's sense of taste had been severely damaged by decades of survivalist cooking, or the cursed man was eating too fast to properly taste the food, but either way Genma seemed unaffected by the meal's strange, unnaturally delicious qualities.

Either that, or Genma's pace of eating was permanently stuck on a "garbage disposal" speed setting. It was entirely possible that he **always** ate as if his meal was a gift of divine ambrosia.

Nabiki was still observing Genma critically when he reached for one of the extra roasted chickens.

"Saotome," Soun choked out, quickly downing his current mouthful to speak. "I say, restrain yourself, would you? At this rate we'll lose the entire meal to your insatiable stomach!"

Genma frowned, his hand hovering over the untouched morsel. "What's the problem, Tendo? There's plenty of food left!"

"No thanks to you!" Soun said harshly, wagging a drumstick at his houseguest. "You've already had twice as much as anyone else here! Save some for everyone else!"

"But there IS enough for everyone else!" Genma protested.

Before the argument progressed further, Nabiki snuck in and snatched up a chicken leg from under Genma's gluttonous fingers. "Well, some of us wouldn't mind leftovers, Uncle Saotome," she said smartly.

Akane frowned. "Leftovers? Nabiki, at the rate you're going, you'll be catching up to Uncle Saotome soon."

"So what?" The mercenary said dismissively. "I skipped lunch because everyone was sure this meal was going to be great, you know."

"I'm just saying," Akane continued tactlessly, "you don't get as much exercise as you used to, so you shouldn't be gorging yourself like that."

Nabiki's eyebrow twitched. "Who appointed you my personal trainer? Mind your own business!"

"It's not good for you! I'm just trying to help!" Akane protested as she reached for the serving bowl that held the rice.

Nabiki promptly snatched it away, much to her sisters' surprise. "What's good for YOU is if you shut your trap and stop trying to take all the food for yourself!"

"Try saying that when you're not shoveling food onto your plate!" Akane snapped back, gritting her teeth.

Soun frowned deeply as the two girls glared at each other, and then shook his head. "Now girls, really, calm down. If you really can't share a meal like civilized people, I'll just have to take it myself."

So saying, the Tendo elder reached for the bowl, only to have Nabiki raise it up over her head. "Fat chance! I had dibs!"

"Since when?" Akane demanded.

"Since now!" Nabiki retorted.

Her vigilant defense of the rice was thwarted when it was suddenly lifted straight up out of her hand, and the mercenary looked up to see that Lum was hovering close to the ceiling, cradling the serving bowl to her scantily-clothed chest while grinning.

"Well, since apparently you can't eat without fighting, I'll just have to eat all this to remove the temptation!" The alien princess said smugly, raising her chopsticks.

Genma immediately stood up. "That's my line!" the elder Saotome growled indignantly at seeing his false righteousness imitated by another. "Also, gimme that!" He immediately leapt to seize the food from Lum's hands, only to have the alien dart backward away from him.

Ranma and Ataru watched the rapid breakdown of the dinner into a childish chase in grim silence, each of them sporting unusually serious expressions as they glanced at each other.

No one seemed to notice. The majority of the family and guests were completely engaged in trying to secure the leftovers, and the only one that hadn't deigned to participate - Kasumi - seemed to be in a state of uncharacteristic concentration as she finished the last scraps on her plate.

Kasumi was, generally speaking, someone who stayed in the background most of the time. Though an indisputably vital part of the household, she rarely brought much attention to herself, preferring to let others take center stage and waiting close by, ready to clean up the fallout. Though some considered her role to be quite thankless, the Tendo homemaker definitely commanded a deal of unspoken gratitude and respect that she could call on whenever the whim struck her, rare as that was.

Evidentally one of those times had come, as Kasumi stood up regally and cleared her throat. Immediately, all the ruckus that had consumed the household ceased, and everyone riveted their attention onto her.

"Excuse me, but I think everyone's had plenty to eat by now, don't you think?" She asked bluntly, her expression unusually neutral, though not unpleasant.

The question wasn't directed at anyone in particular, but then, even the most alien of the present individuals recognized that it wasn't really a question. Lum immediately surrendered the leg of one of the remaining whole chickens to Soun, who quickly placed it down in its serving dish. Akane and Genma stopped grappling and put down the leftover rice, and Nabiki backed away from where she had been preparing to swipe it away from both of them.

"So, is there dessert?" Genma asked a bit uneasily.

"Rocky Road with our special chocolate sauce," Ataru piped up, suddenly all smiles. "Is everyone ready?"

"Hold on, Ataru-kun," Kasumi said gently, still facing the rest of the family. "I really think that we're ready for the judging now, aren't we?"

Akane blanched. "What? W-Wait! Dinner isn't over yet! We can't judge an incomplete meal, right?" She asked desperately.

"Why not?" Nabiki said straight-forwardly. "No point in delaying my vote. Assuming they didn't totally screw up dessert - pretty unlikely at this point, I'd say - the Saotome dinner is **beyond** top-notch. I vote for this meal."

Akane growled, and her gaze shifted to Soun, who immediately flinched back as he became the center of attention.

"Ah... well, I... well, no reason for me to go next, is there? Tell me, Saotome, what do you think?" Soun asked nervously.

"He's not a judge," Ranma said immediately, hand crossed over his chest. "Only the Tendos other than Akane get votes."

Genma nodded, looking regretful. "Ah, yes, it seems that even after all I've done for these children, they still don't completely trust me. It's too bad, but I'll respect their wishes, ungrateful brats that they are." Inwardly he was smiling, of course. He had no desire to have to make a choice between the two violent, short-tempered teenagers; neither of which would have any compunctions about beating him to a pulp.

Soun gulped, and decided to go the political route rather than try to impose on Kasumi to vote next. "Well, although this is a delightful meal, I have to say I was very impressed with the... **exotic** nature of the food Akane's chef presented. My vote goes to her, then."

Akane nodded firmly, and Ranma shook his head.

Once again, Kasumi held the room's attention.

"While Koppa's food was of excellent quality, and certainly unique..." the Tendo homemaker began, and Akane felt her heart sink. "I have to admit that I've always had a great fondness for more traditional food, and something about this classic Western meal struck a chord with me. It was not only delicious, but comforting, and as I continued to eat I felt my entire body react in a way that I could only call... transcendent. I'm sorry Akane, but I have to vote for the Saotomes."

Akane's expression was ashen as she stared down at her plate, and the delectable flavors that still clung to her tongue turned sour. A suspiciously delicious kind of sour, but still.

Everyone else was rather impressed at how soberly Ranma and Ataru took the news, their expressions utterly serious as they turned to one another.

"Victory dance?" Ranma asked, his face perfectly straight.

"Victory dance," Ataru replied, looking as grim as anyone had ever seen him.

Their favorable impression was soon lost as the fraternal twins spaced their legs out and started swaying back and forther, their arms held high.

"WEEEEE ARE THE CHAAAAMPIOOOONS!! WEEEEE ARE THE CHAAAAMPIOOOONS!!"

"So much for being good winners," Nabiki muttered, still glancing longingly at the leftover food as Kasumi took it away into the kitchen to be packed up.

"NOOOOOOO ROOM FOR LOOOSERRRRS, 'CAUSE WEEEEE ARE THE CHAAAAMPIOOOONS... OF THE WOOOOOOORLD!!"

* * *

The chirping of crickets penetrated the dark stillness of the night, their incessant symphony masking hushed footsteps as a lone figure crept down the stairs.

The figure stopped once it reached the bottom floor, its heart racing as the floorboards at the base of the stairs gave off a slight creak; it was a sound that most people wouldn't be able to hear from more than two feet away, and would easily dismiss it, but the house presently contained several people with unnaturally fine senses, and sloppiness would no doubt be rewarded with failure.

After ensuring that it hadn't attracted any attention, the figure crept further into the first floor, turning in the living room to head toward the kitchen.

_Clink!_

The figure's eyes widened, and then narrowed in tightly controlled rage.

"Who's there?" Akane shouted, rounding the corner and practically diving into the kitchen, her eyes wild.

Soun immediately flinched back, his hair jumping straight up and his body illuminated only by the light from the refrigerator that was open in front of him. "A-Akane! Th-This isn't, I mean, I was just-"

The youngest Tendo fumed. "Dad! You were going to eat all the leftovers, weren't you?"

Soun's mouth worked soundlessly as his brain tried to assemble a working alibi in short order. It was hard to deny, though; he had a plate of chicken out and bits of pilaf were stuck to his chin.

After a few tense seconds, Soun shook his head and regained his bearings. "Yes, I was eating the leftovers," he admitted, suddenly looking stern. "Is that a problem?"

Akane's expression grew even more heated. "So you liked their food THAT much, huh? So, what, did you vote for my meal out of sympathy or pity?"

"Fear, mostly," Soun said immediately before he shook his head, "I mean, no, that has nothing to do with any of this! I was hungry and came down for a late-night snack. I fail to see why I have to be subjected to an interrogation!" Then his eyes narrowed. "Especially since it seems you're here for the same reason."

Akane flinched, her cold, angry front cracking. "I j-just came down for some milk, that's all!"

"Then I don't see a problem here," Soun said simply, turning away from his stuttering daughter and back toward his delicious prize.

"Well **I** see a problem, Daddy."

Soun flinched again, this time with more dread than surprise. Against Akane he could use her pride to his advantage. Against Kasumi he could use his parental authority to get his way. Against Nabiki all he could do was give up early so that she wouldn't charge "punishment fees" for her trouble.

"Ah... Nabiki... don't you have school tomorrow?" He said gently, his voice cracking as tears dribbled down his cheeks.

"Why yes, I do," Nabiki said cheerfully, walking up to the plate of chicken Soun was trying to filch. "But if I'm going to get a good night's sleep, I have to make sure my belly is nice and full! Hunger-based insomnia is the worst kind, you know?"

"I call B.S. on that," Akane said, snorting. "You ate more than I did at dinner. This sounds more like **glutton**-based insomnia to me."

"Whatever. It's all the same as long as I get to sleep, right?" Nabiki said shamelessly, reaching for the plate of food.

Just before her hand made contact, the plate suddenly slipped away from her.

Nabiki blinked, stunned, before realizing that Genma was holding up the food out of reach, a victorious smile on his face. 'How the hell does someone that size move so stealthily?' She wondered, grinding her teeth together in annoyance. Sure, it was still relatively dark in the kitchen, but the man was wearing all white; he shouldn't have been that hard to spot. Stupid martial artists.

"Now, now, let's be fair about this," Genma admonished the others, frowning as the Tendos each started to protest, only to trail off into silence, waiting for Genma to elaborate.

Seeing that no-one was trying to attack him or refute his claim to the food for the moment, Genma took a deep breath.

And then he bolted for the kitchen window. "Yoink!"

"HEY!!" The Tendos yelled in tandem, all of them hesitating briefly at the surprising retreat and missing their chance as Genma cleared the window and landed on the ground outside.

Genma took a moment to secure his prize, and then looked up toward the roof. "Now where can I-"

_ZAK! ZAK! ZAK!_ The rest of his rhetorical question remained unasked as he was suddenly pounded with lightning, and the Saotome elder cried out weakly before collapsing in a heap by the koi pond, his body spasming painfully.

In true Saotome fashion, though, he had landed so that the food he was carrying was all but undisturbed, a trick for which Lum was quite grateful as she dove down through the cool night air and scooped up the plate.

"Lum? What do you think you're doing?" Akane asked as she rounded the corner, followed soonafter by Soun and Nabiki. Of course, she and Soun could have leapt through the window after Genma if they really wanted to, but saw no reason to stoop to such uncivilized behavior over a few leftovers. Honest!

"Hm? I'm just taking the leftover food," Lum said honestly, holding up the dish as she rose a few meters into the air for safety. She was pretty sure she could fend off any of the people present if they wanted to press the issue, but after fighting Ranma, she'd decided that a little paranoia might do her good.

"You can't just take it! You're not even a houseguest!" Akane growled out. Bad enough that Genma was considered entitled to room and board, but there was no way she was going to let the annoying alien steal from her home!

"What does that have to do with anything?" Lum asked, looking annoyed. "This is Darling's home cooking! You can't tell me that I can't have any!"

"You already had plenty," Nabiki snapped. "Save the leftovers for those of us who **can't** afford gourmet chefs from space."

"Take it from me if you can!" Lum challenged, holding the plate over her head with one hand as her other hand crackled with electricity.

"AHEM!"

Everybody present in the backyard, including Genma who had just recovered basic muscle control, turned sharply to see Kasumi standing at the edge of the house in her purple night gown, a rather bemused expression on her face as she folded her arms under her breasts.

"May I ask what's going on?" Kasumi asked. She was calm, but her voice held none of the airheadedness or senseless cheer that normally suffused the young woman.

"Ah... this is..." Nabiki began, staring up at the alien holding a few pieces of chicken. "This is... really stupid, now that I stop and think about it." She glanced around at the others. "I mean, there's more food in the fridge and everything."

The others winced, thinking over their situation and how ridiculous they must have looked.

"I won't say I'm disappointed; frankly, I've come to expect this sort of behavior," Kasumi admonished, "but you're all making a tremendous racket! Between all the yelling and the thunder, it's a wonder we don't have the police showing up."

Nabiki couldn't help but snort at that. Any citizen that asked the police to investigate the Tendo dojo was just going to get laughed at.

"Lum, please give me that," Kasumi requested firmly, holding up her hand.

A brief mental war raged between Lum's gluttonous urges and the strange, foreign urge to obey the gentle human. The older girl gave off an aura that one could almost consider... saintly (not that she really knew what that meant, being a space ogre and all), and even her alien sensibilities were not immune.

"Oh, fine," Lum mumbled, lowering herself to the ground and handing over the plate.

Kasumi took it in her hands and then swept a firm gaze over everyone else. "I'm going to put this away. I suggest you all return to bed at once."

"But, what about-" Genma began, trailing off as Kasumi turned and blinked innocently at him.

"I'm sorry, is something wrong, Saotome-san?" She asked in a bewildered tone.

Genma grumbled under his breath as he shook his head. The others, knowing better than to oppose Kasumi's "suggestions", all trudged back into the house, with Lum flying back to her UFO dejectedly.

Kasumi followed Genma into the house, standing wordlessly at the base of the stairs until she heard the last of the doors upstairs close.

And then she hurried into the kitchen, a gleeful smile on her face.

* * *

"Ah, good morning everyone," Soun said cheerfully as he sat down at the head of the table, almost glowing as he pulled open the morning paper.

"Morning Daddy," Nabiki said, her smile somehow seeming far more natural and relaxed than the normal apathetic expression or the smug smirk she usually had.

"And how are you this morning, Darling?" Lum cooed as she cuddled Ataru and drew little circles on his chest. Her behavior wasn't very different, as the space oni usually seemed cheerful and happy, although she was being a bit more forward than usual.

Ranma and Ataru glanced about warily at the people that surrounded them, a bit unnerved at how... satisfied everyone seemed. They were used to spending mornings being tossed around in the midst of bitter arguments and verbal duels while deflecting insults, but for the moment the rest of the household seemed to be in Happy Land.

Even Akane, who was glancing around the kitchen, seemed pleasant and affable, though she obviously didn't take to it as well as the others. Being unable to summon rage and disgust at the sight of Ataru had left her uncertain how to deal with the boy; every time she tried to address him as "that pervert" she would inevitably feel the name "Ataru-kun" mysteriously slip out of her mouth. Honestly, it was rather creepy.

"Well, I don't see Kasumi anywhere," Akane said, clasping her hands behind her back. "Weird, she's usually up before anyone else."

"Well, hey, if anyone deserves a day or two off, it's big sis," Nabiki reasoned, shrugging. "Besides, it's not like we need her to cook breakfast anyway."

Ranma blinked. "We don't? Why?"

Soun chuckled. "Why, we have your leftovers, son! We'll just reheat them! No need to bother Kasumi over something like that!" Akane nodded happily and skipped into the kitchen toward the refrigerator.

The Saotome twins glanced at each other.

"Uh... like I said last night, we're not actually allowed to eat that stuff," Ranma explained.

Ataru scratched his head. "Aside from that, it's not really... you know... breakfast food."

"Oh well. More for us then," Nabiki said, her old victorious smirk momentarily breaking through the genuine happiness that had surrounded her.

"EEEEEK!!" Everyone immediately jerked their heads toward the kitchen at hearing Akane's scream, and Ranma promptly covered his head, expecting an explosion of some sort.

Nabiki stood up immediately, her happy demeanor gone instantly. "What is it? Tell me you didn't just burn the leftovers, Akane." Her voice held a dangerous edge to it, and would have surely chilled Akane to the bone were she not so busy panicking.

"The leftovers! They're gone!" Akane cried, her eyes wide and fearful as she emerged from the kitchen.

"Oh. Well, if Kasumi's not around, then I guess we can make-" Ranma started to stand up when Soun suddenly stood upright, his gaze hard and grim.

"Saotome," Soun said firmly, "you check the back yard. I'll take the front yard." Then he turned toward the girls. "Nabiki, you search the house. Akane, please go wake Kasumi so she can help. Lum, please fly a circuit around the neighborhood and search for anything suspicious."

Finally, he turned toward the bewildered Saotome boys. "You boys are most familiar with the meal, so you can search the kitchen for clues as to its disappearance."

Ranma blinked, taken completely off-guard by the suddenly assertive Tendo patriarch. "Hey, wait a minute-" even as he protested, however, he could see everyone else except Ataru was moving to obey the man.

"It's true," Ataru said nervously. "See? I told you so! We shouldn't have done it! We're toying with powers beyond the ken of mere mortal cooks!"

"Oh, shut up you drama queen," Ranma snapped. "I'm going to go check the fridge. I don't know why they're freaking out like this, but maybe Akane made a mistake or something."

A few minutes later, everybody but Lum and Akane had returned from their search, shaking their heads. Soun, Genma, and Nabiki all seemed grim and a bit fearful at the turn of events, while Ranma looked annoyed.

"Well, I don't know what the big deal is, but the food's gone for sure," Ranma said, shrugging. "Do any of you have a confession to make?"

The others besides Ataru flinched.

"Don't get uppity Saotome, you don't have a shred of evidence," Nabiki said, almost growling.

"Besides, none of us managed to get away with it," Genma mumbled.

Ranma raised an eyebrow, and Soun sighed.

"Well, let's just say that everyone here had their chance to be the culprit, and failed," Soun explained awkwardly.

"Whatever. Doesn't matter. What DOES matter is getting breakfast," Ranma said standing up.

"Boy, what do you think you're doing? You're not going anywhere until this mystery is solved!" Genma shouted.

"What's wrong with all of you?" Ranma demanded, throwing his arms up in the air. "Yeah, the food was great, I'm glad, but you're acting like someone just stole your life's savings or something!"

"This is about more than food, moron," Nabiki growled. She was about to continue, but had to stop and think about what to say. This WAS about more than food, wasn't it? She would never lose it so badly over some roast chicken.

"It's about... It's about somebody having the gall to steal from this house!" Nabiki suddenly snapped. "You think I'm just going to turn my back as some stranger rifles through our things at his leisure?"

Ranma had to consider that the middle Tendo had a point, although he found it strange that the Tendos took things like property damage and alien appearances so easily but got so worked up over theft.

Everyone's thoughts were interrupted as Akane finally emerged from upstairs, looking halfway between frightened and enraged. "K-Kasumi... she's gone!"

A dreadful hush descended over the room as everyone took the time to contemplate this and consider the ramifications.

"Are..." Soun swallowed noisily and licked his lips before continuing. "Are you... sure?"

Akane nodded. "I checked all over the house! She's not here!"

"So that means that whoever stole the leftovers also kidnapped Kasumi?" Ranma said, suddenly far more serious about the whole ordeal.

"No, you idiot! It means that Kasumi took the leftovers!" Nabiki snapped. 'How could we have been so foolish, just walking off to bed and leaving her alone like that? Stupid, stupid, stupid!'

Ranma blinked. That did make more sense, now that he thought about it; it was simply his natural inclination to assume that Kasumi was innocent that had led him to the other conclusion.

Of course, now that he knew that she was the culprit rather than the victim, that meant he no longer cared. "Oh. Well, then that's that. Should we make eggs or waffles?"

"What do you mean, boy?" Genma growled. "We have to find her!"

Ataru raised an eyebrow. "Why? If she wants the food that badly, let her have it. At least we know you weren't robbed."

"Who says we weren't robbed?" Akane growled. "I can't believe she told us off like that and then went and took everything from right under our noses!"

"Wait, maybe we're looking at this the wrong way," Nabiki said, shaking head. "Kasumi may have gotten the leftovers, but she left the real prize here."

"What real prize? The food's all gone!" Akane complained.

"Yeah, but we have the cooks right here!" Nabiki said triumphantly. "Forget about those crusty leftovers; we can just have the twins cook us a fresh meal!"

Ranma and Ataru glanced at each other uneasily.

"Yeah, not happening," Ranma said firmly, ignoring the series of manic glares he got after saying so. "That meal takes all day to cook. I'm not skipping out on school again without a good reason."

"Is keeping all your bones intact a good enough reason?" Akane asked menacingly, hefting a mallet.

"It's impossible anyway," Ataru said, shaking his head. "We're completely out of fissionable material."

"I'm sure Lum can accommodate us," Nabiki said. Really, she wasn't sure of that at all, but she was determined to beat down every obstacle standing between her and the unnaturally delicious delicacies she craved, one by one if she needed to.

"And what would we do with it? The reactor's already been used," Ranma explained, rolling his eyes as if this explanation made sense to anyone but him.

"So?" Nabiki asked, raising an eyebrow. "Can't you use it more than once?"

"Of course not. The flimsy thing barely lasted long enough for a single meal," Ataru groused, crossing his arms over his chest. "On an unrelated note, none of us have to worry about North Korea nuking anyone. I swear they must contract Playskool for their nuclear technology. Just FYI."

Nobody had much to say to that, especially as the majority of those present were desperately trying to move the conversation back onto a track that might produce another Dragon's Six Tongues meal.

Akane, being far more paranoid (some would say sensible) than the rest of her family, gave Ataru a worried glance. "That reminds me... I didn't see the reactor when I was in the kitchen... what did you do with all the used materials?"

"I disposed of them in a completely safe and totally legal manner according to the very highest environmental standards," Ataru said immediately, nodding.

* * *

Tatewaki Kuno frowned as he stared at the twisted mass of scarred and partially melted wreckage sticking out of the pond that decorated the Kuno estate's front yard. The water had turned a brackish dark color, and one section of the pond adjacent to the mass of junk was constantly bubbling and releasing some sort of foul-smelling steam into the air.

"Although I admit to being skeptical at first Sister, it seems you spoke truth. Yet you have no recollection of how this... eyesore came to decorate our impeccable abode?" Kuno asked, his arms crossed over his chest.

Next to him, Tatewaki's sister Kodachi shook her head, causing her dark ponytail to whip about in the air. "I haven't the slightest idea, Brother. I assumed this might have to do with this silly 'blood feud' you seem to have dragged our clan into."

Kuno snorted. "Ridiculous. Even waste such as this is far beyond the financial reach of the Saotomes. They live like vagrants, feeding off of the naive kindness of families much wealthier and worthier than their own."

"Well, regardless, I expect you to see to that... thing's removal," Kodachi snapped, turning on her heel and walking toward the front gate to leave for school. "That's Mister Green Turtle's favorite spot, you know, and I detest the very idea of him swimming about in such filth."

Kuno turned away from his sister as Kodachi left the premises to leave for school.

"Although I hesitate to give credence to the idea, my dear sister may yet be correct," Kuno mumbled to himself, rubbing his chin. "The foul Saotomes are just twisted and petty enough to attempt such a feat as this, and no other cause springs readily to mind. Yet if this was their doing, why do I see no attempt to claim responsibility? A trifling blow such as this is meaningless if the victim does not know who struck it."

"GEEEEOOOOUGH!" A feral roar came from within the pond, and after a moment, Mister Green Turtle broke the surface of the pond, the crocodile's massive jaws snapping restlessly in the air.

Or at least, Kuno THOUGHT it was Mister Green Turtle. Last time he had seen the creature, it had sported only two eyes, not the single giant one it boasted now. The curved, bony spikes that now adorned the reptile's back were also new, and the beast seemed even larger than usual.

After the creature thrashed about a bit, it eventually sank back beneath the water, leaving a much confused and slightly stunned Tatewaki standing before the pond.

"I think... I think I may have to see to the rental of some heavy equipment," Kuno mumbled, turning rigidly and walking back to the house.

* * *

Nabiki chewed on her lip for a moment. "Couldn't you... I don't know... cook the food **without** using a nuclear furnace?"

"That's crazy talk," Ataru said immediately, shaking his head.

"Much like this whole discussion, actually" Ranma growled. "Look, I'm sick of this. The leftovers are gone, and I'm leaving for school. Bye."

Genma promptly shot to his feet. "Boy, don't think you can-groof growf!"

The panda blinked at the water gun in Ranma's hand as the pigtailed boy walked past him, looking bored.

Before the Tendos could think of anything useful to say, Ranma had closed the door behind him, departing the Tendo homestead.

"Well, that's just great," Nabiki groused. "Now we've lost our food and one of our cooks. Ataru, I don't suppose you could whip up a Dragon's Six Tongues without Ranma even if you had all the materials you needed, could you?"

Ataru shook his head. "I only have knowledge of half the meal. Ranma has the other half of the recipe, to make sure that one of us cannot make it without the other."

Akane gave him an odd look. "Why? What would that matter?"

Ataru sighed, rubbing his head. "I was hoping this wouldn't come up, but the Dragon's Six Tongues is... well... it's forbidden."

"Forbidden? Why would such a delightful dish be forbidden?" Soun asked, shaking his head.

"For the same reason martial arts techniques are forbidden. It's just too good," Ataru said sadly.

"That makes NO sense," Nabiki deadpanned.

"Oh yeah? Look around you! After one meal you're driving yourselves mad trying to get more!" Ataru said, throwing up his arms. "The meal is cursed. It was usually used as a wedding meal for important people, right? That's not just 'cause it tastes great. It was said that only those deeply in love or of iron will could resist fighting with their spouse over the leftovers. Oh, how many happy couples have been torn apart by the Six Tongues?" Ataru sobbed melodramatically.

"If this dish was really so dangerous, why did you serve it?" Akane asked angrily.

Ataru gulped. "I thought that the bonds of love and companionship that you all shared would prove stronger than the curse!"

Everyone present immediately snorted, not buying that one at all.

"Okay, fine, we only did it because Ranma was intent on winning the cooking challenge," Ataru admitted. "But how were we supposed to expect you'd throw such a fuss over some stupid leftovers?"

"Akane, if you would?" Nabiki asked, handing her younger sister a wooden mallet.

"Eh?" Ataru, not having personally done anything to warrant punishment was caught completely off-guard as the hammer descended onto his skull, driving him into unconsciousness.

"Now tie him up Akane, I'll need him in a bit," Nabiki ordered, rubbing her chin. "Okay, priority one is finding Kasumi. Where does she usually go when she leaves the house?"

Silence greeted her question.

"Oh... kay... I suppose she doesn't actually get out much," Nabiki admitted. She couldn't remember the last time Kasumi spent a night away from her family. "Well, other than shopping, I guess. Oh! Do any of you know what route she usually takes to buy groceries?"

Once again no one spoke, although Genma started scratching himself under his arm.

"Does anybody know ANYTHING about Kasumi's personal life?" Nabiki asked, scowling.

Akane looked uncertain. "Kasumi has a personal life?"

Nabiki turned toward her father, her expression a bit manic. "Daddy, you're around all day, right? Kasumi HAS to occasionally do something other than cleaning. Or maybe she has some friends that you know of?"

Soun hung his head. "I'm sorry to say that, well, I really have no idea. If she does have any hobbies or friends, I certainly don't know of them."

"Are you serious? Kasumi basically keeps this place in one piece all by herself and we don't even know what she does for fun or the people she talks to? This is unbelievable! We're the worst family EVER!" Nabiki moaned, slumping down onto the table.

"Growf?" #Really?# Genma asked, raising a sign in the air.

"I meant besides yours," Nabiki mumbled half-heartedly.

"Growf..." Genma-panda lowered the sign, looking sad.

* * *

It should be said that, out of the Tendos, Akane at least knew of one relationship Kasumi had outside of the home, if only because that relationship was of personal importance to her. In fact, Nabiki was nominally aware of it too, although she had completely forgotten about it in the morning's panic and didn't know many of the details besides.

If one should wonder why Akane didn't mention that Kasumi often visited Doctor Tofu in order to provide a lead on finding the departed homemaker, the reason was simple: Akane's knowledge of the relationship was centered around Doctor Tofu, not Kasumi. While she knew, and in fact many people knew, that the Doctor was madly in love with the eldest Tendo daughter, she had hardly given a moment's thought as to how Kasumi felt about Tofu. Perhaps it was apathy or her clinging to hope, but so long as Kasumi had never acknowledged Tofu's feelings or stated her own, as far as Akane was concerned Kasumi had no particular attachment to the good doctor.

Of course, after that little drama had been sorted out in Akane's mind, she dismissed Kasumi entirely. The idea that she had a particular reason for frequently borrowing Tofu's books, either as part of a hobby or a platonic friendship, had never occurred to her. And certainly she had never considered that if the oldest sister needed a place to stay outside the home and away from her family that she'd choose Tofu's clinic.

"Man, I swear that old lady was aiming for me," Ranma groused, wringing out her shirt. At least she had been able to dash away before anybody could have noticed the change.

Ranma took a fair bit of pride in how well she had hidden her curse so far, and didn't want it to become public knowledge just yet. Not so much due to embarrassment, but rather because there were strategic advantages in people thinking that male Ranma and female Ranma were different people. While trouble seemed intent on seeking her out no matter what, keeping the trouble neatly divided between genders was very helpful to her.

"Don't feel like going through school as a girl today," she mumbled to herself. "The guys at school were getting a little too aggressive for my taste." Sure, it helped stave off her annoyingly hyper-charged libido, but she was starting to feel the effects of Kurama's brainwashing diminish to a more manageable level anyway. Besides, if the crow princess abided by her promise, she would be (more or less) rid of that problem in a few days.

Such was the train of thought that led Ranma to stroll into Tofu's clinic early in the morning to request some hot water, just as Akane had done before the Saotomes' first day at school.

"Hey, Doc? You here?" Ranma asked, noticing that the clinic was completely empty. Not totally unexpected for this time of day, but the place also seemed a bit... out of sorts. Some of the chairs had been knocked over, and there were a few cracks in the wall that she could recognize as being the sort that appeared when a man's face was smashed into drywall (Ranma had extensive experience creating such marks using Ataru's head).

"Was there a fight or something?" Ranma asked to herself as she cautiously stepped further into the clinic. Although the area looked somewhat damaged, many of the signs that indicated an all-out brawl were missing.

"Why hello there!" Tofu greeted Ranma, finally emerging from his back office. "Betty, look, we have a guest!"

Ranma frowned as she looked at the doctor. Tofu looked strangely out of sorts; his clothing was in disarray, his glasses were fogged up, and his body swung back and forth as he sauntered through the waiting room. He looked happy as can be though, which Ranma guessed would not have been the case if someone had attacked his clinic.

"Yeah, hi Doc. Can I get-"

"Wait! Wait just a moment!" Tofu said cheerfully, pulling his skeleton along next to his desk. "Let's see if we can find your appointment!" He promptly sat the skeleton down in the chair behind the front desk and then dropped an Ikea catalog in front of it.

Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Uh... I don't have an appointment, all I need is-"

"Found it!" Doctor Tofu exclaimed suddenly, despite not looking at the document that was not his appointment ledger. "You must be Minami-san! How is your rheumatism doing?"

Ranma's eyebrow started twitching. While she wasn't particularly upset at being forgotten since her last visit, she was way too young to possibly suffer from rheumatism. "My name is Ranma Saotome."

"No, I'm pretty sure you're Minami-san," Tofu disagreed.

"What? I'm Ranma!" Ranma protested.

"Minami-san," Tofu insisted.

"Ranma!"

"Minami-san."

"Ranma!"

"All right, all right," Tofu finally said, sighing as he approached the redhead. "You can call yourself whatever you want. Now let's take care of that rheumatism."

"Wait, what are you-GYAAAAH!!"

* * *

"Princess, princess! It arrived!"

The diminutive occupants of Kurama's ship parted ways as a single crow man rushed through the hallways, shouting excitedly as he held a box over his head that was slightly bigger than he was.

Kurama, who was sitting on her throne in the control room, smirked at the bearded crow man that fluttered above her shoulder. "Ahead of schedule, I see. Excellent."

"And it was on sale, too! We got free next-day shipping!" The old crow boasted. "I tell ya, the economy's in the pits everywhere!"

"Open it," Kurama demanded, steepling her fingers.

The crow aliens promptly moved to comply, tearing open the top of the package. Then two of them dove into the exposed pool of packing peanuts, throwing about a small burst of styrofoam before they emerged with what appeared to be a Super Soaker pistol and a user's manual.

"Ah ha! Excellent!" Kurama said gleefully, picking up the gun and stroking the bloated pill-shaped section on top. "With this amnesia blaster, I should be able to safely remove Ranma's memory of his experience within the mirror."

"It's a shame that didn't work out," the old crow sighed. "I don't think there's any way we'll get him to agree to be your mate without that experience in mind."

"Oh, I wouldn't be too sure of that," Kurama said, grinning. "Don't forget, much of the mirror's effects are subconscious. The amnesia blaster's effects work solely on conscious memory. It's too much to hope for that Ranma would suddenly turn around and embrace me after simply erasing his knowledge of my actions, but I do believe we've made some gains in this matter."

The bearded crow rolled his eyes. 'Gains my tail feathers. If she'd just get over herself and mate with the other brother, we could be home by now preparing the nests.'

"You!" Kurama pointed to the crow with the instruction booklet. "What is the mechanism for determining the period of time erased?"

"Let's see, let's see..." the crow man started flipping through the manual. "Stage three AKME brand amnesia blaster. Warning: This product is not intended for medical use, and does not meet intergalactic technical standards for medical and/or psychiatric devices. Avoid using on children, non-sentients, or people with a history of ordinary memory loss or psychosis. Common side effects include dizziness, nausea, and bouts of trippy transcendentalist nonsense. If target suffers memory loss beyond the extent intended by user, contact your psychiatrist immediately, and then let them examine you, since you're the idiot that decided to shoot somebody with an amnesia blaster."

Kurama tapped her foot impatiently. "The instructions, fool! Explain to me how to work this device!"

"Right, gotcha," the crow alien skipped a few pages. "There are two main controls to the amnesia blaster aside from the trigger. The dial on the left controls the extent of the memories to be erased. Select the number of days' worth of memories you wish to erase by turning the dial, and that much time before the point of getting shot will be erased from the target's memory, though it will not erase the incident of getting shot itself. In order to give the target full-blown amnesia, turn the dial all the way past the timer settings to the X at the end."

Kurama nodded and moved the dial to the number four. "What is the other dial for?" It looked exactly like the first dial, which made her wonder. Perhaps it was for erasing memories in the past without erasing everything up to the point of getting hit with the blaster? It would certainly come in handy if she could make Ranma forget the mirror but remember how she had taken responsibility and fixed her mistake.

"The dial on the right controls the length of time that the amnesia lasts. It uses day controls just like the other dial. In order to make the amnesia permanent, turn the dial all the way to the X."

Kurama frowned, disappointed. "Why would they intend to make the effects temporary?"

"Honestly, the amnesia blaster is more of a prank tool than a proper memory manipulation device," the elder crow explained. "Why, there was this one time back in crow college when we made Duke, the head squawker of the featherball team forget about his championship match right after he won it! He thought he had missed the game and that some other crow had..."

Kurama and the others tuned out the elder as the crow princess made the necessary adjustment to the amnesia blaster, turning the right-hand dial all the way to the big X to make the effect permanent. "Excellent. We leave immediately! After this incident I may have to go back to trying to seduce the boy, but better that he oppose my advances rather than me." She turned toward a crow man at a computer console. "How is the Ran-dar functioning?"

"We have a contact in sector N-19!" The alien shouted back with far too much excitement for everyone else's tastes.

"Good. We depart at once!" Kurama shouted, marching up to the exit with amnesia blaster in hand and dozens of crow aliens following her in formation.

"... of course, after the moons demolished most of the city, we could hardly go to any more games anyway," the elder crow continued rambling, stroking his beard, "although the lawsuit that resulted essentially provided the financial capital that birthed our fair empire and eventually... hello?" The bearded crow glanced around the bridge of the ship, noting with great annoyance that it was mostly empty except for a few crows working the instruments that monitored the ship's status. "Where'd everybody go?"

"Sir! The princess has entered level two and is approaching perimeter seven-seven-one-zero!" The crow that was manning the ships various sensors shouted. "We'll have a full exit breach in approximately fourteen seconds! We have no time! It's over! It's all over!"

The bearded crow winced. "Why are you yelling?"

"Sir! Helping man the bridge of a royal cruiser isn't nearly as exciting as I thought it would be, Sir! I'm being especially exuberant to compensate for the boredom!"

'Hmph. If you ask me we've had more than our fair share of excitement recently,' the elder thought grumpily, flying toward the exit. 'Oh well. At least the boy will be back to normal soon. And it's not like things can get any worse.'

* * *

"Stop that! That does NOT need to be-ow! Ow! Ow!" Ranma growled as Doctor Tofu started twisting her leg back and forth as the older man sat on her back, whistling obliviously.

This situation was quickly degrading from weird and inconvenient to bizarre and dangerous. Ranma had no idea what had gotten into the doctor, but Tofu had pinned her down and started trying to rearrange her skeleton in a manner that seemed inappropriate to ordinary human biology.

"So much for the Hippocratic oath," Ranma growled, grasping the floor with her hands as she fed strength to the rest of her body.

With one powerful, leverage-defying motion, Ranma suddenly snapped her body upwards into a hand stand, catapulting Tofu off of her and slamming the doctor into the wall.

Ranma flipped up to land on her feet, only to stumble to the floor the moment she landed, discovering that her leg was paralyzed.

Luckily for her, Doctor Tofu wasn't a very persistent adversary. After the older man shook his head briefly and adjusted his glasses, he immediately went to work adjusting a painting on the wall that had been jarred loose from the earlier impact.

"Oh no, oh no, so messy, so messy," Tofu mumbled, slowly turning the picture more and more clockwise until it was fully on one side. "There we go!" He let go, and the painting promptly dropped from the wall and onto the floor.

'What the hell is wrong with him? He get into some bad herbs or something?' Ranma let her fingers crawl up and down her leg tenderly, wincing as she noted everything that was out of place. "This is gonna hurt..."

Clenching her eyes shut, she grabbed her calf near the knee and then used her other hand to twist.

_Crack!_ "Gurk!"

Doctor Toju immediately whirled toward the redhead, his face a mask of grim concern. "Another patient! And this one looks serious. Betty, clear my next appointment! I have work to do!" His glasses gleamed in the light as the doctor wiggled his fingers in preparation.

"You'd better take the whole rest of the day off, Doc, 'cause you're gonna need more medical help than any of your patients after I'm through with you," Ranma growled, standing up and feeling pain shooting up and down her leg. The leg worked though, and that was enough; pain Ranma could deal with.

"Now, now, stay still and cooperate," Tofu said as he advanced menacingly. "If you're good I'll give you a lollipop!"

Ranma wasn't sure if it was because Doctor Tofu was currently crazy, or because he primarily used his martial arts training for practicing exotic medicine, but whatever the reason the doctor didn't even attempt to dodge or defend as Ranma launched forward with a vicious kick that sent the man flying painfully through the door and into the next room, causing the old, flimsy hinges on the door jam to shatter instantly.

"Oh my!"

Ranma blinked in surprise at the voice, momentarily distracted from the throbbing in her leg. She hadn't expected the doctor to take the full brunt of the attack; if she'd known the doctor was such a poor fighter, she would've used less strength, or at least stuck to his uninjured leg.

"Kasumi?" Ranma hobbled through the doorway, blinking repeatedly when she stuck his head into the next room.

Kasumi was indeed in the next room, sitting in front of a large table and looking worriedly at Doctor Tofu, who was groaning on the floor in front of the entrance. Ranma couldn't help but notice that the table was covered with dishes bearing the remains of last night's dinner, fully reheated.

"Oh! Ranma! What are you doing here?" Kasumi asked, putting down her fork next to the nearly-empty plate in front of her.

"I'm here for hot water," Ranma said slowly. "Uh... I'd ask what you're doing here, but really, I don't think it's any of my business."

Doctor Tofu started to get up, and Ranma promptly stomped on the man's forehead, slamming his skull deep enough into the floor to relieve the doctor of consciousness.

Kasumi put a finger to her lip thoughtfully. She had been worried when Ranma emerged from the office, especially given the violent manner in which she'd emerged, but she seemed sincere in her wishes to avoid getting involved in any squabble over leftover food.

Ranma glanced around the room after ensuring that the doctor was down for the count, noting that she was in a kitchen that seemed to be part of the living area of Tofu's clinic. Finding the sink quickly, she walked over to it and turned on the hot water tap, sticking her hands under the flow of water and waiting patiently for it to warm to the point of changing her.

There were many questions burning within Ranma's mind that demanded answers, held at bay by his firm determination not to start caring about the ridiculous squabble the Tendos had ended up in. What was so great about his food that even Kasumi would resort to theft and flight to keep it from the others? What was her relationship with Doctor Tofu, that she could waltz in and ask for sanctuary from her own family? Why did Tofu attack him the moment he stepped into the clinic? Did Tofu's actions even qualify as an actual attack? What color lingerie was Kasumi wearing today?

Ranma promptly lurched his head to one side at the thought, striking his skull against a cabinet at the same time the change from female to male took place. 'I hope Kurama gets that stupid amnesia thing soon,' he thought irritably, turning off the water and wiping his hands on a dish towel.

"Oh, Ranma, wait a moment," Kasumi said as she stood up and walked over the martial artist. "How was everyone when they got up? I didn't want to leave without making breakfast, but it was an emergency."

"An emergency?" Ranma asked, immediately perking up. "What do you mean? Everybody was pretty upset when they saw the food gone, Kasumi."

"Oh, I was afraid of that," Kasumi said sadly, walking up next to Ranma with her hands clasped together. "It was just so unpleasant, seeing them all fighting like that over something so silly as some leftover food. I simply **had** to do something to make things better."

Ranma was no stranger to this argument. The old and battered "I had to take it to prevent others from fighting over it" line was a favorite of Genma's when relieving Ranma and Ataru of money and food that Ranma usually earned and Ataru usually wanted.

Yet, somehow, hearing the twisted logic come from Kasumi was making his brain tie itself in knots trying to trust her. "I... I guess I can see your point. That's very... thoughtful of you," Ranma said nervously, moving for the exit. For some reason his instincts - those that weren't busy inquiring as to the particular details of Kasumi's private regions, anyway - were telling him to vacate the area, and quickly.

Kasumi put a hand on his shoulder suddenly, causing a tingling sensation to race through his body that he could only compare to one of Lum's lightning attacks, just without the pain.

"I'm worried, though. I wouldn't want them to take it the wrong way, and start searching for me," the Tendo homemaker said, idly moving close enough that her body was touching his without actively pressing herself into him. "That would cause an awful lot of trouble, don't you think?"

"That... That... yes. Y-Yes it would," Ranma said, uncertain whether or not he should be panicking. Kasumi wasn't throwing herself at him, which was the response he was used to and the one that prompted immediate and forceful protest. She was, however, giving him just enough bodily contact to kick-start his libido something fierce. In such a confused state, he could barely think about what she was actually saying, much less disagree with it.

"I was hoping that Tofu-sensei would take care of things, but..." Kasumi cast a worried glance at the insensate doctor, and Ranma winced.

"Uh... well... he tried his best?" He guessed. It did explain why the doctor had attacked him. Well, sort of. "Anyway, I really have to get to school, so-"

"Oh my, you do have school today, don't you?" Kasumi said sadly, squeezing Ranma's shoulder ever so slightly. "I... see. I suppose I'll have to face them on my own, then."

Ranma flinched as he felt a bolt of hot, seething guilt rip into his chest, despite all logic that he had absolutely no responsibility here. 'Well, I suppose I did make the food... no, wait, that doesn't matter! ... Does it?'

"W-Well... if they do find you, what are they gonna do, anyway? Beat you up and take the leftovers?" Ranma asked, trying hard to chuckle at how absurd the idea was. "I'm sure you can set 'em straight if... uh... what's that noise?"

Kasumi blinked as a powerful humming noise originating from above the clinic got louder and louder, and looked around at the ceiling for any devices that might have suddenly been activated.

"Wait... I know that sound," Ranma said eventually, his eyebrow twitching in annoyance. "Lum."

_CRACK!_ Kasumi barely got out an "Oh my!" before the roof of the clinic was pulled upward and torn off the rest of the building.

Kasumi promptly felt herself tucked into an embrace as Ranma did his best to shield her against falling debris, and surrendered herself fully to his expertise in matters of sudden and intense destruction.

"Damn it, Lum! What the hell are you doing?!" Ranma screamed as the roof was moved aside in mid-air and then dropped haphazardly in the street.

Ranma was about to pick up Kasumi and make a run for the exit when he suddenly felt the constant, comforting pull of gravity leave him, and his eyes widened as he floated off the ground and up through the hole in the ceiling.

'Ah, dammit. I just knew something like this was gonna happen,' he groused, holding Kasumi tightly. He had to hand it to the girl; she was handling the sudden abduction like a pro, and hadn't made a peep or struggled against him at all as he held her tightly. It was almost pleasant...

'No! Bad thoughts!'

Looking upward, Ranma could see the bottom of Lum's UFO above him, with a small opening in the middle that was slowly drawing them up. Looking around, Ranma could also see Doctor Tofu's body, much of his furniture, and of course, the contested leftover food all floating upward into the same receptacle.

After a few more seconds, they had been sucked into the main hull of the spacecraft, and Ranma watched as the opening slid shut underneath them.

At once, whatever effect that was nullifying gravity ceased, and Ranma quickly moved his arms about so that he landed with Kasumi being held bridal-style.

"Augh!" The pigtailed boy growled as his injured leg objected to the sudden pressure, though the throbbing pain quickly retreated to the back of his mind.

"Ranma-kun, are you okay?" Kasumi asked, her breath grazing his ear in a manner that made it very difficult to stay serious and angry about the most recent turn of events.

"F-Fine! I'm fine!" Ranma said quickly, scanning their surroundings. It was taking every scrap of willpower he had to keep his mind in "battle mode" and ignore the soft, shapely body in his arms. "Lum, where the hell are you? You'd better have a damn good explanation for this!"

They had landed in what Ranma could only imagine to be the UFO's cargo bay. There were a few scattered crates about, some opened and some not, but on the whole the room seemed poorly maintained and organized.

"Ranma-kun, you don't have to keep carrying me like this," Kasumi offered, seeing that, for the moment at least, there was no danger about them.

"It's safer this way," Ranma said immediately. "I have no idea what Lum will try next. I might have to get us out quickly." It wasn't because he wanted to keep holding her. Nope. Of course not. Totally legit.

Suddenly a door on the far end of the room slid open, and Ranma turned to glare angrily at Lum as the space ogre walked into the cargo bay.

Lum winced at the gaze, well aware that she had been a bit hasty in her retrieval of the delectable human foodstuffs. It was times like these that she really wished she had asked her father for the deluxe invader UFO kit upgrade. It would have been nice to be able to pick up small, individual objects with the tractor beam, even if she had no idea what she'd do with all those probing stations.

"Ah... hi there! It seems like I accidentally-GAH!" Lum shouted suddenly in distress, her face darkening.

Ranma glanced around, trying to figure out what had happened to upset her. "What? What's wrong?"

Kasumi sighed. "I think she just noticed the state of the food."

Up until that point, Ranma hadn't really concerned himself with the cause of this whole mess, and so he finally looked at the mess of furniture, debris, food, and Tofu that littered the floor.

"Littered" was a very appropriate description, as everything had been spilled out haphazardly once gravity had returned, mixing the prized leftovers on the floor with dust and rubble from the damaged roof, as well as random objects from around Tofu's kitchen. Tofu himself was slowly regaining consciousness, his hair covered in creamed corn.

"The leftovers! They're ruined!" Lum shouted in distress, slumping down to her knees.

"And whose fault is-hold on," Ranma said, hooking a foot under a chair and flipping it up into the air.

_Crack!_ The chair fell squarely on Doctor Tofu's head just as the man started to open his eyes, swiftly returning him to unconsciousness.

"Where was I? Oh, right. Whose fault is it that MY MEAL is now decorating the floor of your stupid ship?" Ranma growled. Granted, he was rather relieved that the food that had caused so much trouble was beyond consumption now, but he was still quite upset over everything else Lum had done, and wasn't going to pull any punches as far as blame was concerned.

Lum, for her part, shot to her feet angrily and pointed to the girl nestled in Ranma's arms. "You! This is all YOUR fault!"

"How do you figure that, idiot!" Ranma shouted back.

"You tricked me out of that food, and now it's gone!" Lum snarled, stalking forward.

Kasumi didn't even get a chance to respond before Ranma shouted back first. "Don't you dare try and blame her! This is all YOUR fault!"

"Why are you taking her side?" Lum demanded, stomping her feet and causing sparks to shoot up from the floor.

"Because Kasumi's never ripped the roof off a house and abducted me before," Ranma answered through clenched teeth.

Lum's horns lengthened into points, and she started to raise a hand toward her victims when Ranma spoke again.

"If you so much as THINK about shooting Kasumi with a lightning bolt, I can't guarantee you'll live to regret it," Ranma warned. Unlike a moment before, when his voice had been loud and angry, the warning was delivered with a perfectly cold, deadly tone that seemed to preclude, in Lum's mind at least, the possibility that he was bluffing.

The space oni froze, and then her hands dropped. "I-I wasn't going to do something like that!"

Kasumi blinked in surprise, having mostly been a silent spectator during the conversation so far. Which suited her just fine, though she was shocked by how readily Ranma had put himself out to defend her. To say nothing of whether or not the pigtailed boy might actually kill someone who harmed her.

"Good," Ranma snapped, his voice heated again. "What you were GOING to do was take us back to the surface, fly away, and then tell everyone else that you screwed up and all the food is gone, RIGHT?"

Lum hesitated for a moment. "Nah. I was thinking something more like THIS!" She pushed a button on the control panel next to the door, and Ranma's pigtail stood on end as he felt some sort of energy surround him.

He started moving immediately, but felt his movement slow to a crawl, as if the air itself was suddenly turning into water, and then sand. Within moments, he felt some gentle but irresistible force squeezing around him.

"Oh my! What's happening?" Kasumi asked, feeling her body shift in Ranma's arms as some force squeezed them together.

After a few seconds, both Ranma and Kasumi were trapped inside a narrow cylinder of energy. Lum couldn't help but snicker at the way that Kasumi had been squeezed against Ranma's body in the tube, with his arms still wrapped around her. The force barrier was made to be a tight fit for one person, to limit their leverage and make escape harder. The results of squishing two people in one were... amusing. And hopefully nothing that would push Ranma into a homicidal fury later.

"Oh... Oh my... this is... uhm... well, it's not uncomfortable, actually, but quite improper," Kasumi admitted, her face flushed. "Ranma-kun, are you okay?"

Ranma, meanwhile, was staring straight at Kasumi's throat, as his chin had ended up just above her breasts. Her arms, meanwhile, were wrapped around his head and back, while one of Kasumi's legs was stuck against his groin and was sliding about every once in a while as the eldest Tendo daughter tried to find a less embarrassing position for it.

'Do not talk. Do not move. Do not think. Do not even BREATHE.' Ranma repeated the mantra over and over again in his head, willing his body to remain motionless and unresponsive.

"Don't worry, I'm just keeping you two out of trouble until we get back to the house," Lum said smugly, crossing her arms under her breasts. "We can talk about who's responsible for what in front of everyone else, right?"

"Lum, really, this is unnecessary," Kasumi protested, seeing how Ranma seemed to have gone catatonic. "I don't mind being returned home, but this is a bit..."

"It's not you I need to restrain," Lum said simply, turning on her heel. "So if you want to blame someone, blame the idiot with his face in your chest. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go-"

A slight rumbling noise filled the air, and then Lum slipped as the entire room tilted to one side unexpectedly.

"Whoa!" Lum took to the air before she hit the floor, and then started panicking. "What's going on? What's happening?"

_Vrrr..._ A monitor attached to a metal tentacle crept down from the ceiling, and then activated.

"Wh-What? That's Kurama's ship!" Lum said as she saw the conch-shaped vessel floating above her UFO and sucking it into a wind tunnel. "What is she doing, abducting my ship?"

"Serves you right!" Ranma said suddenly, breaking out of his mantra for the purposes of spite. "See how you like it!"

"R-Ranma-kun," Kasumi said breathlessly. "Th-That tickles..."

Ranma froze at the realization that he was more or less talking into Kasumi's cleavage, and his face started to glow red.

_BLAM!_

Lum turned toward the other end of the cargo bay at the sound of a door being blasted open, and her eyes narrowed as she beheld the crow princess standing across from her, giant leaf in hand and a cadre of crows all around her.

"Finally. After all the trouble that... we... went..." she slowly stopped talking as she caught sight of her target, nestled snugly in a force prison with some woman she vaguely remembered before who had been cooking for the Tendos. "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!"

"That's my line!" Lum snarled. "What do you think you're doing, abducting my UFO?"

"I'm here for Ranma, of course," Kurama snapped. "Would you care to explain why he's being crushed against some middle-aged Terran wench?"

Kasumi - and by proximity, Ranma - felt a twitch run through her entire body, and her worried expression came dangerously close to a frown. "Middle-aged?"

Lum, for her part, clenched her teeth irritably as she massaged her forehead. "You know what? Fine! I don't need him anyway! Take him!" She turned and hit a button on the console.

Immediately the force pressing Ranma and Kasumi together vanished, and they fell onto the floor. Ranma, naturally, moved so that he would hit the floor first, with Kasumi on top of him, and he let out a strangled cry as once again his injured leg was jarred painfully.

"Ranma-kun! Are you all right?" Kasumi asked in concern, sliding off the martial artist and sitting next to him. "Your leg! Is it... uh... your... leg?" the eldest Tendo daughter trailed off as she observed her impromtu landing pad, her face turning from a light flush to a full-on cherry red.

Kurama's face colored just as badly, although it was hard to tell if the cause was embarrassment, desire, or jealous fury.

Lum just raised an eyebrow.

"Well, whaddya know," said one of the crow aliens, snickering. "Looks like his plumbing works after all. I owe Kena sixty credits."

Another crow let out a wolf whistle and gave Kurama a thumbs-up. She promptly kicked him, although it was obvious her heart wasn't in it.

Ranma simply stared straight up as he stewed in humiliation, wishing that Lum's UFO would just open up and drop him to his death then and there.

Lum got bored of the awkward silence after a few seconds, and then cleared her throat. "Well? Did you have something to do, or were you just checking to make sure your beloved wasn't in a steamy embrace with another woman?"

Then the oni frowned. 'Actually, that reminds me. I have to check up on Darling soon...'

Kurama growled deeply as she took the amnesia blaster from the crow attendants behind her. "Silence, cretin. This will... just take a moment."

Kasumi blinked as she saw the crow princess pick up a Super Soaker and aim it at Ranma, and her heart seized up in her chest.

The Tendo homemaker had realized quite early on that she was completely out of her element here. Actually, any place outside of the Tendo household and parts of the shopping district were out of her element, but nothing about her was prepared or equipped to handle the violence, abductions, and bizarre alien technologies that practically bombarded her one after another since she left the house that morning. Heck, Ranma **was** fairly used to this sort of thing, and it seemed to be all he could do to keep her from being knocked around like a pinball.

Kasumi had no idea what Kurama was trying to do by shooting Ranma with a water gun, besides maybe activate his curse, but what little she had picked up about the woman, in addition to her VERY rude assumptions regarding her age, indicated that the crow princess was not one to be trusted and that Ranma was her primary target.

So, naturally, feeling that poor Ranma had suffered enough abuse for one day, Kasumi shifted over into the line of fire of the amnesia blaster just as Kurama pulled the trigger.

_ZZAP!_ Kasumi's eyes widened as a brilliant golden ray of light suddenly enveloped her, and she experienced a somewhat pleasant light-headed feeling before falling over onto her back dizzily.

Ranma, Lum, and Kurama all stared wide-eyed at the scene, each one gaping silently as Kasumi pushed herself back up slowly.

Finally, the pigtailed boy shot to his feet, turning a wrathful gaze on Kurama. "What did you DO?!"

Kurama flinched back immediately, all of her attendants immediately retreating behind her back. "No! That was NOT my fault! She deliberately got in the way!"

Lum scratched her head. "What is that thing, anyway? Doesn't look like it did anything..."

"It's an amnesia blaster, its effects aren't visible," Kurama quickly snapped at the other alien before turning back to Ranma, who was still fuming angrily. "Wait, no! This is okay! It's set for just four days! It doesn't matter if she loses four days of memories, does it?"

Ranma simmered for a moment longer, but finally turned away and went back to Kasumi. Kurama was right; it wasn't her fault, and as far as he knew, the Tendo homemaker hadn't done anything important so recently. On the whole, a harmless accident. Having been involved with so many dangerous accidents, he could live with it.

"Kasumi, are you feeling okay?" He asked, gently taking the bewildered girl's arm to help her up.

Kasumi nodded as she rose, looking grateful. "Yes, thank you... uh... what... just happened? I was shot with an... amnesia blaster?"

"Yeah, sorry about that," Ranma mumbled, shooting Kurama a dark look. "If Kura had been THINKING, I'm sure she would have used it when there were no other people around to get in the way. But anyhow, you'll be fine."

"Oh, that's a relief," Kasumi said happily, smiling. "So, you said my name was Kasumi? What's yours?"

Ranma stared. "What?"

The Tendo homemaker flushed slightly at the martial artist. "Well, the first thing I remember is moving in the way of that beam to protect you... I can't remember exactly why, but I believe I was thinking about repaying you for protecting me... so I would at least like to know your name..."

In actuality, that was a lie, but Kasumi didn't feel that the young man in front of her needed to know that her earliest memory was of staring down at the bulge in his pants.

Kurama sweated heavily as she slowly tip-toed back toward the exit, hoping that once she got on the other side the blast doors would slow Ranma down long enough for her to get to her ship and fly off to safety.

_CLANG!_ That plan went out of the viewport as Ranma's fist sailed over her shoulder and smashed into the wall, creating a huge dent in the thick metal surface.

Kurama gulped as she turned around, seeing Ranma looming over her while surrounded by an aura of raging crimson. "There's... uh... a perfectly logical explanation for this, I assure you."

"I'm listening..." Ranma said, his calm voice contrasting perfectly with the level of power that was pouring out of him.

Kurama quickly plucked a crow man out of the group that was huddled around her ankles. "You! You read the instructions on how to use the blaster! What went wrong?"

The crow shook in terror as she held him up in front of Ranma, who gazed down at the tiny alien like it was of as little importance and worth as its mundane Earth counterparts. "I don't know! We made sure to set it ahead of time! She should have lost just four days of memories permanently!"

Kasumi scratched her cheek doubtfully. "I don't remember anything, though. So what happened?"

"I don't know!" The crow man insisted, pointing to the gun frantically. "As you can see, the settings are... uh... the... settings are..." he trailed off weakly as he stared at the device.

Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Yes?" It was not lost on anybody that his aura hadn't lost a bit of its power or intensity.

"P-Princess Kurama?" the crow said timidly. "When you were setting the dials, did you have the gun pointing **away** from you, or **toward** you?"

The crow princess blinked. "What difference does that make?"

There was a brief moment of silence before the crows all groaned, and Kurama winced. "Oh. I... see."

"I don't," Ranma said suddenly, reminding the aliens that he was still there, and still very close to savagely beating them. "Explain it to me, please."

"Well, this situation is... not as harmless, but still temporary," Kurama said quickly. "It seems I accidentally had the device set to erase all memories for a period of four days."

"And you were gonna shoot me with that?" Ranma demanded, his fist grinding back and forth in the indentation in the wall.

"It was an honest mistake! And it still wasn't my fault that she got hit!" Kurama insisted in a panic.

Ranma was about to continue when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and his aura winked out as he saw Kasumi behind him, shaking her head.

"Please... it's okay. She made a mistake, but I forgive her. She's not really at fault, here," Kasumi said gently, smiling serenely.

Ranma was silent for a moment as he pulled his fist out of the wall. "She called you a middle-aged wench, you know."

A vein promptly popped up on Kasumi's head, and her eyebrow twitched. "I see... how old am I, exactly?"

"Nineteen. And you've already had a birthday this year."

Kasumi's eyes narrowed, and Kurama cringed in response before she started fiddling with the dials on the amnesia blaster again.

"Ah, well, if you don't mind, I'll just do what I came here for and-"

"Wait," Ranma grabbed hold of the amnesia blaster and held the barrel down. "I'm not letting you use that on me until Kasumi's memories come back," he said firmly.

"Wh-What? But that's four days from now! You said you wanted to be rid of... **that** as soon as possible!" Kurama protested.

"If I let you use it on me now, I'll forget all about how you used it on Kasumi, and that could put her in danger," Ranma insisted. "Her memories take priority over... **that**."

Lum and Kasumi shared a confused glance and a shrug, indicating that they had no idea what the others were talking about.

"I see..." Kurama said hesitantly, chewing on her lip. "Very well then, it is your choice. Although the more memories I must erase, the more complicated this procedure could become."

"Whatever it is, I'll deal with it. But Kasumi isn't going to suffer for your stupid mistakes if I can help it."

Kurama nodded sadly, feeling quite envious at the lengths her chosen mate was going to in order to help some elderly house servant. "I understand. I will return in four days. Farewell, my chosen!"

The crow princess blew Ranma a kiss as she walked out the door, her attendants scrambling around her to get as far from the scary pigtailed human as possible. After a few more seconds, a loud grinding noise could be heard, and the floor shifted as Kurama's ship finally departed.

Lum, who had been largely forgotten during the fiasco, yawned from where she was floating in the air leisurely. "Finally, she's gone. Crazy bird."

"Shaddup. I still haven't forgiven you for your part in this mess," Ranma growled. "Now hurry up and-just a sec."

Turning around, he crouched down over Doctor Tofu's twitching body and pulled back a fist.

_Pow! Wham! Smack! Thud!_

Satisfied that the doctor was once again comatose, Ranma stood and turned back to Lum. "Hurry up and take us back to the Tendos. I guess I'll be skipping school after all."

Lum rolled her eyes but nodded wearily. "Right, right. I'll have us on our way in a sec."

As the door closed behind the space oni, Ranma turned a regretful look toward Kasumi, who was staring at him hopefully.

"Well, I know this has been really crazy for you, but I suppose I should give an introduction, at least. I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."

Kasumi nodded happily. "It's nice to meet you, Ranma-kun." She bowed, and then her smile got even wider. "So, are you my boyfriend?"

"Urk."

* * *

"You know, I've wanted to come to your room for a long time, Nabiki-chan, but I was hoping for SLIGHTLY fewer restraints," Ataru said conversationally from where he was thoroughly wrapped in ropes and lying on the floor. "I mean, a little bit is fine, I'm a pretty open-minded guy, but this-"

_Thud!_ Nabiki idly kicked Ataru in the side as she paced the length of her room scratching her chin the whole time.

Ataru groaned and rolled to the side, wishing that he had possessed the foresight to go ahead and leave for school along with Ranma.

Not that sitting in class was much better than being bound hand and foot and occasionally being kicked around, but at least he could've caught up on sleep in class.

"All right Ataru, I have a question," Nabiki said suddenly. "What's in the Dragon's Six Tongues? What makes it so... addictive?"

Nabiki could admit by now that what she was experiencing, and what had driven her family crazy, was too powerful to be anything less than a full-blown addiction. At least it was if one didn't accept Ataru's idiotic story about it being a cursed meal. While Nabiki could accept that curses did exist, that didn't mean she was going to call everything she didn't understand "magic" and leave it at that.

Ataru sighed. "I don't know. Like I told you, I only have half the recipe."

Nabiki grit her teeth. "Than tell me your half. I don't care how little you know, just start listing ingredients!"

The lecher snorted. "Yeah, right! Did you think a true master of Sakumon-Go would just blurt out their secrets to-"

"I'll take off my shirt if you do it," Nabiki interrupted.

"Do want that in alphabetical order or order of preparation?" Ataru said, his nostrils flaring.

"Surprise me," the mercenary Tendo said, pulling up her shirt and tossing it to the side.

Staring up at the bra-clad woman, Ataru swallowed the drool in his mouth and then recalled the recipe in his head. "Well, there's some bell pepper, cayenne, cinnamon, cumin, garlic..."

Nabiki nodded absently as Ataru continued listing ingredients, promptly deciding that the information was pretty much useless. She wasn't a cook nor a food critic, and wouldn't have known a particularly tasty or spectacular ingredient if she heard it. So unless Ataru were to name an ingredient that was obviously out of place...

"Wait a minte. Say that last one again," Nabiki demanded suddenly.

Ataru, who had been spouting them off automatically as he stared at Nabiki's breasts, took several seconds to recall where he was. "Uh... methylene?"

Nabiki blinked. "What kind of ingredient is 'methylene'?"

Ataru shrugged. "It's a less common spice, I guess. Really modern, high-tech stuff. I think the full name was... uh... methylenedioxymethamphetamine."

Nabiki's eyebrow started to twitch. "Did you say... 'methamphetamine'?"

"That's the scientific name, mind you," Ataru explained, perfectly happy to appear smart and knowledgeable in one of his few areas of expertise. "Apparently these new modern spices get special 'mainstream' names, but I don't like them. I mean, who names a spice 'Ecstasy'? It's a seasoning, not a perfume!"

Nabiki clutched the sides of her head, almost tearing her hair out. "Ataru, you... you... YOU IDIOT! You DRUGGED us!"

"Drugged on the what now?"

"That's a drug! A recreational pill for lowlifes and junkies!" Nabiki growled, glaring down at the lecher angrily. "The secret of your 'ultimate dish' is that it gives the people who eat it a chemical high! And now thanks to you, my entire family is addicted!"

Ataru blinked repeatedly, trying to push aside the image of Nabiki's angrily bouncing boobies to process what she was saying. "I... wow, that's... I had no idea..."

Then he frowned. "We still win the contest, right?"

_Thwack!_

"Ow!"

* * *

  
End Chapter 9 


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